write it down

i've not written in ages--i feel like this is the general way i start or (try to start) any new blog post. i've been hyper busy with my job and had been trying to write a book, so i stopped posting for a while. but today i realized that i've done NO writing in a while, so i have no excuses. i've just gotta write it down, huh?

Life has been crazy and awesome and unimaginable for the past 11 months. it was right around that point that i stopped posting on this blog. there were so many changes that had happened to me around that time that i just couldn't keep up with the evolution of feelings and philosophies.

i've decided that i need to consciously write something every day (if possible) until i leave for my next trip this winter. it is my goal to write a book, but i keep losing the thread. i wonder if it'll ever get out of my head and onto paper. it's a little disheartening to keep writing and writing with no specified product. perhaps writing short stories would be better? i am simply unsure. however, i know i just need to put stuff out there as a way of getting my brain to function in that way again.

this winter... i'm going on yet another trip with my backpack. where am i going? i don't know. perhaps India, Vietnam, Indonesia, and/or the Philippines? South America was also on the radar, but i don't think this is tenable because the flight is so damn expensive. and i'm not ready to go there yet--i've gotta spend a few months learning Spanish before venturing in that direction.
something that came to mind while i have been considering this trip is the fact that i really prefer to travel alone. there are the practical aspects of this, however, i have also been wondering if something is a little wrong with me. why is it that i do not want to hit the Road with others?
is it because i prefer the spontaneity of the solo trip?
is it because i need solitude?

is it because i am simply a selfish bitch who needs it to always have it HER way all the time?
is it because i am afraid of rejection? this last one is a new thought that came to mind while i've been sitting at this random/cute/new cafe in my neighborhood while watching the Seoul September rain pour down. odd thought, huh? i wondered if i just don't like the idea of spending too much time with someone because if they get too close and reject me, it will be an even greater affront to my personhood.

but, MEH--that is a very small part of the reason, if any part. i have gotten to the point in my adult life that i really feel that i can't appease everyone. i usually give it a really strong go and love and love and love, however, at some point, if you don't like me, i can't help you.

so, it's this random stuff i'm writing down for now.

it's been a long time...

i think i'll occasionally check back here in the summer when i need a place to get my thoughts out, but things have been absolutely NUTS. but in the BEST POSSIBLE WAY.

i had been using this blog to emotionally vomit on when i felt particularly angsty. but MAN, as i've been walking in greater and greater levels of Joy, i've not had the need to release my emotionality in such a way. i've not experienced ONE DAY of depression or sadness since the last time i wrote. this is not to say that shit things haven't happened here and there, but they just don't affect me the same way anymore. i've experienced the kind of Freedom and Peace that can only be discovered by *revelation*.

the crazy things that're happening this summer are as follows:
*i'm writing a book. this time for real. God dropped an idea in my head that i know that i know that i know that i'm supposed to write. i'm giving myself until the end of August (before Semester 2) to write it.
*i'm going on a missions trip to Australia. does that sound nuts? YES, on a dozen levels that sounds nuts to me as well. but, well--there it is. in the recent months, something has BURST in me that has created a rushing tide of crazy, amazing, beautiful things. i am seeing things i shouldn't be able to see. hearing things i shouldn't be able to hear. praying healing over people who then experience healing. going on this trip has convicted me about taking some preparatory measures in order to increase my faith for these unbelievable, supernatural, but very REAL occurrences. a few things that i've been convicted about is:
     -finishing the my reading of the Old Testament.
     -praying into healing and words of knowledge and understanding for people.
     -investing into my health (eating/sleeping properly, continuing to run more days than not)
*i'm getting baptized next Sunday. i can't believe i'm finally getting this done. i have been baptized as a child, but never as an adult. i have had a few opportunities, but it never felt right b/c i never felt like it *meant* anything. Today, i INDEED know it does.

process process

it's difficult to make a different choice than the one that you have always been making.

tonight, i was sitting across from a man i was feeling attracted to. there were so many things that we had in common--and we both shared stories that were engaging and interesting to each other. and i thought he was pretty good-looking, and am pretty certain he felt the same about me. but damnit. i had to make a different decision.

everything in my body wanted to make the suggestion that would land us in a sweaty embrace, but it felt wrong. as we talked, my eyes opened more and more to how  precious and eternal his personhood was. beautiful, intelligent, somewhat troubled, and vulnerable. considering the idea of sex made me feel sad because it would have felt so objectifying. he needed love, not sex, and the most loving thing was to equivocate.

how foolish it is to sigh over the missed opportunity of what would likely have been really good sex, but it was the right decision. people can soak in more of their own value when others show them that they are valuable. i am uncertain if he had any idea that those were my thoughts when i shied away from the common denominator, but, i know that He saw everything.

i miss the warm

wow. it's been a while since i've written on this blog, but i've been busybusy--and i'm writing on 2 others, so i'll just come here to process the random thoughts that don't necessarily fit into the other ones. this blog is the messiest and least formed anyway, so it seems to be the most appropriate place for a blog about another random night out.

so, i've been pretty antisocial for the past few months--i've been hyper busy with work and i've been going through a crazy transition figuring out who i am.
it's been a profound process leading to a simple answer i knew, but didn't know. i've been absolutely astounded with how this shift in my identity has radically changed my perspective on things. having this solid foundation has brought me into a different kind of hope that has literally rocked my world. i feel different. lighter. happier. i have peace. it's been amazing.

concurrently, i've gone in and out of appreciating my singlehood. there have been times that i've felt awesome about it and times that i feel sad. it's winter in Seoul now and my bed has been feeling a little cold.
i decided against getting the HPV vaccine a few days ago because i've decided that i will not have sex again before i get married. this will be an incredibly difficult thing for me to do, but i need to draw a line somewhere. i'm really sick of only half-living and need to make this sacrifice for now.
as i've been going through my larger transition, i've been feeling a renewed happy about being single. i'm finally a good place where i can get healthy. i know that any relationship i could be in right now would be destroyed by my issues. i'm actually very excited about getting healthy now.

all this being said, it's been a long long time since i've been to a friendly-fun party with a large group of people i know. and i had a lot of fun smiling, laughing, and exchanging stories and philosophies with people. and then i met a handsome guy who was really interesting, fun to talk to, and seemed to be interested in me.
seemed like it--his compliments on the fact that he thought i was in great shape and that i had a charming personality seemed to be forward enough. it was actually just enough to make me feel flattered and not creeped out.
ugh.
i was tempted to spend more time with him and 'see where the night might go'. it's been a while since i've gotten attention from a guy that i connected with so well. plus, he was good looking and sincere and interesting--but i had to put myself in check. i'm trying to get to the place of health right now. naturally he shows up at exactly the point in time when that validation felt good. damn. it sucked to pass over this potential opportunity. sigh.
well, i gave him my number. a girl can only resist so far.

self hate

i can't sleep. i'm pretty sure i know why. so, i will attempt to write myself asleep.

years and years and years. of absolutely hating myself.
that crazy, all-consuming anger that made me cry frustrated tears
bite through my lip
slam my fists as hard as i could against the bed as soon as i opened my eyes
my soundless screams. endless.
violent smash
shattered glass of the wildly tossed glass bottle
deep, desperate hate

do you know this feeling?

i reflect on these years--these decades of slow, rotting death. but today, i feel peace. i am actually laughing at myself. i am dead exhausted with my life responsibilities, but i feel joy. i don't hate myself anymore. i can't believe i spent so much time in that place. i didn't need to. but i was in a self-imposed cage and couldn't deal with the lie of the bloody pain that escape might cause. i didn't understand how easy it was to unlock the door.
i know--it's not always going to be smooth sailing. clearly. but i don't see the many mistakes i've made in the recent months preceding this entry as failures.
i have mentioned a gradual unlocking of my mind. it's been eons of my demons owning that space between my ears. things really needed to be cleaned up in there.
as i have begun to experience Truth upon Truth, there has been an exponential, cumulative cleansing that has led me into this place. my hard core slips to the brink and back while i've been undergoing this cleansing process makes it all the more powerful that i've finally gotten here.

unfailing Love. i don't always need to question it--because there is no definable answer. it's one of those beautiful mysteries. if there were a clear *reason* for this Love, maybe it wouldn't be so astounding.
and this is true of us humans too. sometimes we just love. we don't know why we do--and we might have every reason not to, but we can't help our hearts from stirring over that person. (this can be unhealthy/twisted, of course, but that's an entirely different matter.) however, i say that this is a glimmer reflection of that huge, metaphysical Love bomb that is continuously exploding around us.
even if you don't hold to the same ideology as i do, don't you wonder why it is possible for us to sometimes love the most unlovable people in our lives?

i don't hate myself anymore. for anyone who can fathom the depth and longevity of that loathing, you would know that this is a miracle.

a leap of faith

i'm overwhelmed.God really really loves me.
i haven't written in almost exactly a month b/c i've been in a state of confusion. my mind has been filled with chaos and crazy thoughts. they have been scattered and illogical and completely schizophrenic. i've been feeling absolutely, completely nuts.

i had the weirdest night last night. i don't want to get into all of the scandalous details, but it was more of the same of my tales of sordid. when i slip, i slip hard. and i stay there for a while b/c i can't stop myself.
but even through this time of slippery mistakes, i kept on getting reminders of God. in the randomly dropped email. or hearing something *specifically* directed towards me in a sermon. i've literally had thoughts roaming my head and had that thought addressed out loud. i got little jolts, and then i've moved on in my cloud of scattered thoughts. but i could sense that He was keeping me in mind.

this morning, i awoke feeling exhausted from my crazy night, but suddenly i was on auto-pilot. i just knew i was supposed to go and pray before church started. i didn't allow myself to think about it too hard about it b/c i knew that i would rethink it and not go. i just set my mind in agreement, even though i didn't understand.
and so i went. and God quietly spoke into my ear, "come. rest. in Me there is freedom. and love."
i couldn't stop the tears. not the weepy kind, but the kind that comes when you hear the voice of someone you deeply deeply love that you've been separated from for a while.

now, i dislike the church body. i have so many issues with church people b/c they seem so crazy. in my experience, they react really strange to anything controversial.
i once mentioned feeling slightly suicidal among a group of Christians. i could hear the crickets. i felt horrified that i exposed myself to people who couldn't even express sympathy.
when i got divorced, most of the Christians i knew avoided talking to me. or if they did, they completely skirted the issue. i was in a ton of pain and felt like a pariah on top of it. granted, they didn't know me very well and had no idea what to say, but it really sucked.
AGAIN: these are my problems as well as those peoples'. but today, i'm choosing to reject the walls i've put up around myself. i feel willing to be vulnerable again.

the people at the church i've been attending these days are wild. every Sunday, i came in quietly and waved away the name tag that they tried to stick on me, but every week they smiled. real smiles. there was an irrepressible joy and i could see it was authentic.
so, this afternoon, i went to pray. and i could feel God moving. and there were a few key moments--a few key interactions that God made happen. and i finally got pushed over the edge.

God wants me here in this church body. when i made that leap of faith--that decision to join this body, i suddenly was overwhelmed by love from all around. i know how strange that sounds, but i was literally covered in a blanket of love. i made eye contact with a few familiars and they just knew something had shifted in my spirit. they marched up and hugged me. God was there. it felt right.

i am at the top of a slide.

God loves the ladies

i really really hate men. i despise them. not all of them, of course, but wow--those roots go deep.
however, i'm beginning to get some healing about that.

i'm kind of on an amazing ride with the Truth. i realize that as we become more aware of what the Truth actually is, we can receive healing because of the confidence we can have in what Reality is.

for ages, i've felt so completely subjugated by men and have had 2 specific inflammatory Biblical passages about women keeping their mouths shut tossed into my face. now intuitively, i knew that God didn't actually want to keep us ladies muzzled, but how can i argue with the Bible? either i trust in its contents or i don't.
and i do trust in the contents of the Bible. God is so real to me and has undeniably met me so many times, i can't turn my back on Him. and it's nonsense to me to simply pick and choose the things that i don't like.

thus, i've always looked at those inflammatory passages as something i didn't really understand, but knew that there was something more. there had to be more. my heart pounds with His call to raise my voice. God loves women and wants to hear ALL of our voices. He wants to hear us sing, and absolutely delights in us as we fully come into our identities as His kids. only then can we use our talents to their fullest potential.

the pastor of the church i go to these days seemed to be a man's man. when i first started going, i was pretty turned off by him because he came off kinda bull-headed at times. he reminded me a lot of the men who have stepped on me in ages past, and i had a hard time sitting through his sermons. however, because God had been so loudly talking to me during the services at that church, i felt too hungry to hear His voice so i HAD TO continue to attend.
it was this pastor--this "man's man" that preached a sermon today about those inflammatory passages and gave them depth and context. and actually, at the end of the sermon, he ended up honoring women, and it brought tears to my eyes. to hear a man--a Korean American man--speak against the silencing of women in the church was powerful for me.

anyway, it's extremely difficult to change a first impression. it's a psychological improbability. however, when the Truth is spoken, healing can occur. so, wow--though i don't agree with everything that the guy says, God has totally been using him to open my eyes to things i only had a vague sense of before.

yes. i absolutely despise men. they fucking suck. but, i'm realizing how this is not right and is absolutely problematic as i live another day, another week, another year. this hate degrades me--it should not be a part of me. the hurts and wounds of the past do not have to define me. inevitably, it doesn't matter what men have done to me. what matters is that i have worth because my Creator has given it to me. as i am trying to embrace my identity and the source of my hope, i feel like i can emerge from this cage of my hate. it seems like a better way to live.

freedom

again. on the verge of tears.
what does it mean to truly be free?
tonight, i met up with a friend and we talked and talked and talked.
i have dark, hidden places that i have allowed almost no one into for years. decades, even. these are things that have caused serious anguish and an endless flow of tears.

why do we hide?
guilt. shame. humiliation.
i'm dirty.

but, this is not true.

my mind is being unlocked. i am becoming more conscious of the Truth. i am realizing what lies have led me to stay hidden for so many years. i am not a total fuck up. i have worth, simply in virtue of my creation.
as revelations have been dawning on me, i feel like i have been awakening. i do not have to keep my head down to avoid judgment. there is no judgment or condemnation, despite my failures.

my Purpose is not at all about any action or inaction. my Purpose is simply to allow myself to be Loved by my Creator--this is much harder than you would think. how strange/broken/corrupted is it that i struggle with allowing myself to be loved?
but i conjecture that many many many people struggle with allowing themselves to be loved. we don't let people in because we are insecure. in a way, we hate ourselves--and being honest about those things is dangerous. vulnerability is risky has hell. we've all been burned. however, the more vulnerable we are, the greater the depth of love we can receive. the life question becomes: just how vulnerable will we allow ourselves to be?
the Life question for me has become: will i agree with God that i am actually lovable to Him?

as i have been moving more in alignment with my Purpose, i have come to understand that i can be honest about my struggles with my loved ones. i can now do this for 2 major reasons:
1) i can see the top of the rabbit hole. i may fail in the process of exiting, but i absolutely know now that i WILL emerge.
2) i am much more than the resume of my misdeeds. and anyway, the opinions of others really does not affect the inherent worth of my being.

i was exhausted by myself this morning, but as i meditated on these principles, my heart lightened. i have begun opening up to the people around me and i am achieving a depth of relief that i never knew was possible. this in turn has made others open up and suddenly i have been glimpsing their cages of pain and wounding.
complete healing is not only possible, we need this healing in order to be free to fully live.
i have pondered the notion of freedom for many years and it seemed a vague impossibility for me. this is simply untrue. i don't have to live in this cage anymore. i have great anticipation that this journey that i've begun will finally kick the shit out of my demons. they deserve a beating.

Day Two

i've taken a step that i didn't think i'd ever do. i've begun confessing out loud. not just in the privacy of my own prayers and in the cover of silence. to a real person--that i don't even know very well.

if it wasn't already clear, i Love Jesus. i know that is confusing to some. and controversial to some. and really cliche to many. but Jesus is really fucking rad. and i'm continuously amazed by what having a relationship with Him means.
the amazing thing Today is how being bonded to Him bonds me to others who know Him as well.
there i was, over slices of pizza with a girl i only met a month ago, and had only exchanged about 3-4 emails with. we kept our conversation light, at first, but suddenly we were at the edge of the precipice of some of my deepest and darkest.
i took a deep breath, put my foot out and have begun falling.

for anyone who's held onto deep, hidden things--for years and years and years... you should know how frightening it is to finally admit things out loud. i've avoided this because of the implications. because of how my life will have to change.
it's hard to say how i got Here. not how i ended up in my personal Hell--that should be obvious. we are all animals that are subject to our instincts for our own forms of *pleasure* and tumbling so far down the rabbit hole that we can no longer fathom where the blue sky is.
i too, have long dreamed of fresh air and singing birds and golden sunlight warming my skin. and i have had moments of Truly tasting and hearing these things, but they always fade into murky memories. losing hold of the edge and sinking back into the mire. forgetting which way is up. time passes quickly.

the "Here" that i'm finding surprising is the soft unlocking of my mind to Real possibilities. yesterday, i said i've been on the verge of tears for the past few weeks. i've made some pretty crazy mistakes that have driven me deeply back into my dark places. but somehow, the sunlight has been reaching me.
it's strange because i have been pretty passive about my approach to God, saving for the conversations i have with Him on my commute and going to Sunday service.
however, i keep on getting that hot undefinable buzzing that covers my head and fills my ears and quickens my heartbeat. and suddenly those words, those memories, and sharp profound Truths surface. and it been filling my eyes with tears. of pain. of gratitude. of wonder.

for decades, i have been an island with a rabbit hole. sinking in and out and rejoicing and weeping. i am so tired of weeping over the same problems. this is not working. so, making those crazy mistakes--crossing that line once last time has finally driven me to this point of confession. out loud.
this is already someplace new. and i believe that there will be more.

Day One

i'm trying not to beat myself up. but, i've been a pretty fallen person for the past few weeks. i am a decidedly weak person who easily succumbs. i've got urges and i'm always responding to them. i generally don't rise above. i am an animal.
i'm a little averse to posting my continual history of failures on the Net, but i've gotta put this out someplace. keeping things in the dark is dangerous.

i've been on the verge of tears for the past 8 days. isn't that strange? why do people intentionally live in a way that causes pain? i'm sure i'm not the only one.

but inside of these failures--some of these tears have not been about pain. some of these tears have been shed because of fresh understandings i have begun to have about the important Things. some powerful God lessons. i realized that when i screw up, God is not disappointed in me. He grieves with me, but He doesn't think any less of me.

i have struggled with this lie for years. it has always taken me a while to come back and approach God after i've made mistakes because i feel so riddled with guilt. i hang my head in shame and feel like i can't come back until i've 'done my time'. when we fuck up with the human beings in our lives, we generally have to give them a cool-down period. we give each other space so that the sting of the mistake can fade. but God is not like that.

He gave me this image: i can see myself as a little girl, with wispy black hair and chubby cheeks. i am sitting on my Father's lap. my focus is on the toy i am inexpertly fiddling with. He is cuddling me really close and kisses my sweaty forehead.
the thing about this image that moves me is the utter tenderness i can see in His eyes. He absolutely adores the little girl in His arms. and even when she squirms and pushes Him away or screams at Him, He is still hopelessly in love with this little girl.

He is NEVER disappointed. even though He knows everything about me. every good and evil thought that crosses my mind. He knows how little patience i have with people. He knows all about my lusts and premeditated bad choices. He understands my chaos and turmoil. He is fully aware of my past and present. He knows exactly what will happen in my future.
if i actually Believe God--if everything in the Word is Truth--if i really am that wispy-haired little girl sitting on His lap, it would IMPOSSIBLE for Him to be disappointed in me. knowing what He knows makes disappointment existentially impossible for God. He can already see me fully restored. i'll be just like Jesus. He already sees me that way.

God knows the course i've been taking in these limited days--making mistakes and constantly returning to my vomit--but He still looks at me with that utter utter love. He's always cuddling that little squirming girl on His lap. no matter what i've done, He always will want to bend down and kiss my sweaty forehead.
why? i have no clue. His love is absolutely ridiculous. but everything inside of me knows that it is the most Real thing in the world.