write it down

i've not written in ages--i feel like this is the general way i start or (try to start) any new blog post. i've been hyper busy with my job and had been trying to write a book, so i stopped posting for a while. but today i realized that i've done NO writing in a while, so i have no excuses. i've just gotta write it down, huh?

Life has been crazy and awesome and unimaginable for the past 11 months. it was right around that point that i stopped posting on this blog. there were so many changes that had happened to me around that time that i just couldn't keep up with the evolution of feelings and philosophies.

i've decided that i need to consciously write something every day (if possible) until i leave for my next trip this winter. it is my goal to write a book, but i keep losing the thread. i wonder if it'll ever get out of my head and onto paper. it's a little disheartening to keep writing and writing with no specified product. perhaps writing short stories would be better? i am simply unsure. however, i know i just need to put stuff out there as a way of getting my brain to function in that way again.

this winter... i'm going on yet another trip with my backpack. where am i going? i don't know. perhaps India, Vietnam, Indonesia, and/or the Philippines? South America was also on the radar, but i don't think this is tenable because the flight is so damn expensive. and i'm not ready to go there yet--i've gotta spend a few months learning Spanish before venturing in that direction.
something that came to mind while i have been considering this trip is the fact that i really prefer to travel alone. there are the practical aspects of this, however, i have also been wondering if something is a little wrong with me. why is it that i do not want to hit the Road with others?
is it because i prefer the spontaneity of the solo trip?
is it because i need solitude?

is it because i am simply a selfish bitch who needs it to always have it HER way all the time?
is it because i am afraid of rejection? this last one is a new thought that came to mind while i've been sitting at this random/cute/new cafe in my neighborhood while watching the Seoul September rain pour down. odd thought, huh? i wondered if i just don't like the idea of spending too much time with someone because if they get too close and reject me, it will be an even greater affront to my personhood.

but, MEH--that is a very small part of the reason, if any part. i have gotten to the point in my adult life that i really feel that i can't appease everyone. i usually give it a really strong go and love and love and love, however, at some point, if you don't like me, i can't help you.

so, it's this random stuff i'm writing down for now.

it's been a long time...

i think i'll occasionally check back here in the summer when i need a place to get my thoughts out, but things have been absolutely NUTS. but in the BEST POSSIBLE WAY.

i had been using this blog to emotionally vomit on when i felt particularly angsty. but MAN, as i've been walking in greater and greater levels of Joy, i've not had the need to release my emotionality in such a way. i've not experienced ONE DAY of depression or sadness since the last time i wrote. this is not to say that shit things haven't happened here and there, but they just don't affect me the same way anymore. i've experienced the kind of Freedom and Peace that can only be discovered by *revelation*.

the crazy things that're happening this summer are as follows:
*i'm writing a book. this time for real. God dropped an idea in my head that i know that i know that i know that i'm supposed to write. i'm giving myself until the end of August (before Semester 2) to write it.
*i'm going on a missions trip to Australia. does that sound nuts? YES, on a dozen levels that sounds nuts to me as well. but, well--there it is. in the recent months, something has BURST in me that has created a rushing tide of crazy, amazing, beautiful things. i am seeing things i shouldn't be able to see. hearing things i shouldn't be able to hear. praying healing over people who then experience healing. going on this trip has convicted me about taking some preparatory measures in order to increase my faith for these unbelievable, supernatural, but very REAL occurrences. a few things that i've been convicted about is:
     -finishing the my reading of the Old Testament.
     -praying into healing and words of knowledge and understanding for people.
     -investing into my health (eating/sleeping properly, continuing to run more days than not)
*i'm getting baptized next Sunday. i can't believe i'm finally getting this done. i have been baptized as a child, but never as an adult. i have had a few opportunities, but it never felt right b/c i never felt like it *meant* anything. Today, i INDEED know it does.

process process

it's difficult to make a different choice than the one that you have always been making.

tonight, i was sitting across from a man i was feeling attracted to. there were so many things that we had in common--and we both shared stories that were engaging and interesting to each other. and i thought he was pretty good-looking, and am pretty certain he felt the same about me. but damnit. i had to make a different decision.

everything in my body wanted to make the suggestion that would land us in a sweaty embrace, but it felt wrong. as we talked, my eyes opened more and more to how  precious and eternal his personhood was. beautiful, intelligent, somewhat troubled, and vulnerable. considering the idea of sex made me feel sad because it would have felt so objectifying. he needed love, not sex, and the most loving thing was to equivocate.

how foolish it is to sigh over the missed opportunity of what would likely have been really good sex, but it was the right decision. people can soak in more of their own value when others show them that they are valuable. i am uncertain if he had any idea that those were my thoughts when i shied away from the common denominator, but, i know that He saw everything.

i miss the warm

wow. it's been a while since i've written on this blog, but i've been busybusy--and i'm writing on 2 others, so i'll just come here to process the random thoughts that don't necessarily fit into the other ones. this blog is the messiest and least formed anyway, so it seems to be the most appropriate place for a blog about another random night out.

so, i've been pretty antisocial for the past few months--i've been hyper busy with work and i've been going through a crazy transition figuring out who i am.
it's been a profound process leading to a simple answer i knew, but didn't know. i've been absolutely astounded with how this shift in my identity has radically changed my perspective on things. having this solid foundation has brought me into a different kind of hope that has literally rocked my world. i feel different. lighter. happier. i have peace. it's been amazing.

concurrently, i've gone in and out of appreciating my singlehood. there have been times that i've felt awesome about it and times that i feel sad. it's winter in Seoul now and my bed has been feeling a little cold.
i decided against getting the HPV vaccine a few days ago because i've decided that i will not have sex again before i get married. this will be an incredibly difficult thing for me to do, but i need to draw a line somewhere. i'm really sick of only half-living and need to make this sacrifice for now.
as i've been going through my larger transition, i've been feeling a renewed happy about being single. i'm finally a good place where i can get healthy. i know that any relationship i could be in right now would be destroyed by my issues. i'm actually very excited about getting healthy now.

all this being said, it's been a long long time since i've been to a friendly-fun party with a large group of people i know. and i had a lot of fun smiling, laughing, and exchanging stories and philosophies with people. and then i met a handsome guy who was really interesting, fun to talk to, and seemed to be interested in me.
seemed like it--his compliments on the fact that he thought i was in great shape and that i had a charming personality seemed to be forward enough. it was actually just enough to make me feel flattered and not creeped out.
ugh.
i was tempted to spend more time with him and 'see where the night might go'. it's been a while since i've gotten attention from a guy that i connected with so well. plus, he was good looking and sincere and interesting--but i had to put myself in check. i'm trying to get to the place of health right now. naturally he shows up at exactly the point in time when that validation felt good. damn. it sucked to pass over this potential opportunity. sigh.
well, i gave him my number. a girl can only resist so far.

self hate

i can't sleep. i'm pretty sure i know why. so, i will attempt to write myself asleep.

years and years and years. of absolutely hating myself.
that crazy, all-consuming anger that made me cry frustrated tears
bite through my lip
slam my fists as hard as i could against the bed as soon as i opened my eyes
my soundless screams. endless.
violent smash
shattered glass of the wildly tossed glass bottle
deep, desperate hate

do you know this feeling?

i reflect on these years--these decades of slow, rotting death. but today, i feel peace. i am actually laughing at myself. i am dead exhausted with my life responsibilities, but i feel joy. i don't hate myself anymore. i can't believe i spent so much time in that place. i didn't need to. but i was in a self-imposed cage and couldn't deal with the lie of the bloody pain that escape might cause. i didn't understand how easy it was to unlock the door.
i know--it's not always going to be smooth sailing. clearly. but i don't see the many mistakes i've made in the recent months preceding this entry as failures.
i have mentioned a gradual unlocking of my mind. it's been eons of my demons owning that space between my ears. things really needed to be cleaned up in there.
as i have begun to experience Truth upon Truth, there has been an exponential, cumulative cleansing that has led me into this place. my hard core slips to the brink and back while i've been undergoing this cleansing process makes it all the more powerful that i've finally gotten here.

unfailing Love. i don't always need to question it--because there is no definable answer. it's one of those beautiful mysteries. if there were a clear *reason* for this Love, maybe it wouldn't be so astounding.
and this is true of us humans too. sometimes we just love. we don't know why we do--and we might have every reason not to, but we can't help our hearts from stirring over that person. (this can be unhealthy/twisted, of course, but that's an entirely different matter.) however, i say that this is a glimmer reflection of that huge, metaphysical Love bomb that is continuously exploding around us.
even if you don't hold to the same ideology as i do, don't you wonder why it is possible for us to sometimes love the most unlovable people in our lives?

i don't hate myself anymore. for anyone who can fathom the depth and longevity of that loathing, you would know that this is a miracle.

a leap of faith

i'm overwhelmed.God really really loves me.
i haven't written in almost exactly a month b/c i've been in a state of confusion. my mind has been filled with chaos and crazy thoughts. they have been scattered and illogical and completely schizophrenic. i've been feeling absolutely, completely nuts.

i had the weirdest night last night. i don't want to get into all of the scandalous details, but it was more of the same of my tales of sordid. when i slip, i slip hard. and i stay there for a while b/c i can't stop myself.
but even through this time of slippery mistakes, i kept on getting reminders of God. in the randomly dropped email. or hearing something *specifically* directed towards me in a sermon. i've literally had thoughts roaming my head and had that thought addressed out loud. i got little jolts, and then i've moved on in my cloud of scattered thoughts. but i could sense that He was keeping me in mind.

this morning, i awoke feeling exhausted from my crazy night, but suddenly i was on auto-pilot. i just knew i was supposed to go and pray before church started. i didn't allow myself to think about it too hard about it b/c i knew that i would rethink it and not go. i just set my mind in agreement, even though i didn't understand.
and so i went. and God quietly spoke into my ear, "come. rest. in Me there is freedom. and love."
i couldn't stop the tears. not the weepy kind, but the kind that comes when you hear the voice of someone you deeply deeply love that you've been separated from for a while.

now, i dislike the church body. i have so many issues with church people b/c they seem so crazy. in my experience, they react really strange to anything controversial.
i once mentioned feeling slightly suicidal among a group of Christians. i could hear the crickets. i felt horrified that i exposed myself to people who couldn't even express sympathy.
when i got divorced, most of the Christians i knew avoided talking to me. or if they did, they completely skirted the issue. i was in a ton of pain and felt like a pariah on top of it. granted, they didn't know me very well and had no idea what to say, but it really sucked.
AGAIN: these are my problems as well as those peoples'. but today, i'm choosing to reject the walls i've put up around myself. i feel willing to be vulnerable again.

the people at the church i've been attending these days are wild. every Sunday, i came in quietly and waved away the name tag that they tried to stick on me, but every week they smiled. real smiles. there was an irrepressible joy and i could see it was authentic.
so, this afternoon, i went to pray. and i could feel God moving. and there were a few key moments--a few key interactions that God made happen. and i finally got pushed over the edge.

God wants me here in this church body. when i made that leap of faith--that decision to join this body, i suddenly was overwhelmed by love from all around. i know how strange that sounds, but i was literally covered in a blanket of love. i made eye contact with a few familiars and they just knew something had shifted in my spirit. they marched up and hugged me. God was there. it felt right.

i am at the top of a slide.

God loves the ladies

i really really hate men. i despise them. not all of them, of course, but wow--those roots go deep.
however, i'm beginning to get some healing about that.

i'm kind of on an amazing ride with the Truth. i realize that as we become more aware of what the Truth actually is, we can receive healing because of the confidence we can have in what Reality is.

for ages, i've felt so completely subjugated by men and have had 2 specific inflammatory Biblical passages about women keeping their mouths shut tossed into my face. now intuitively, i knew that God didn't actually want to keep us ladies muzzled, but how can i argue with the Bible? either i trust in its contents or i don't.
and i do trust in the contents of the Bible. God is so real to me and has undeniably met me so many times, i can't turn my back on Him. and it's nonsense to me to simply pick and choose the things that i don't like.

thus, i've always looked at those inflammatory passages as something i didn't really understand, but knew that there was something more. there had to be more. my heart pounds with His call to raise my voice. God loves women and wants to hear ALL of our voices. He wants to hear us sing, and absolutely delights in us as we fully come into our identities as His kids. only then can we use our talents to their fullest potential.

the pastor of the church i go to these days seemed to be a man's man. when i first started going, i was pretty turned off by him because he came off kinda bull-headed at times. he reminded me a lot of the men who have stepped on me in ages past, and i had a hard time sitting through his sermons. however, because God had been so loudly talking to me during the services at that church, i felt too hungry to hear His voice so i HAD TO continue to attend.
it was this pastor--this "man's man" that preached a sermon today about those inflammatory passages and gave them depth and context. and actually, at the end of the sermon, he ended up honoring women, and it brought tears to my eyes. to hear a man--a Korean American man--speak against the silencing of women in the church was powerful for me.

anyway, it's extremely difficult to change a first impression. it's a psychological improbability. however, when the Truth is spoken, healing can occur. so, wow--though i don't agree with everything that the guy says, God has totally been using him to open my eyes to things i only had a vague sense of before.

yes. i absolutely despise men. they fucking suck. but, i'm realizing how this is not right and is absolutely problematic as i live another day, another week, another year. this hate degrades me--it should not be a part of me. the hurts and wounds of the past do not have to define me. inevitably, it doesn't matter what men have done to me. what matters is that i have worth because my Creator has given it to me. as i am trying to embrace my identity and the source of my hope, i feel like i can emerge from this cage of my hate. it seems like a better way to live.

freedom

again. on the verge of tears.
what does it mean to truly be free?
tonight, i met up with a friend and we talked and talked and talked.
i have dark, hidden places that i have allowed almost no one into for years. decades, even. these are things that have caused serious anguish and an endless flow of tears.

why do we hide?
guilt. shame. humiliation.
i'm dirty.

but, this is not true.

my mind is being unlocked. i am becoming more conscious of the Truth. i am realizing what lies have led me to stay hidden for so many years. i am not a total fuck up. i have worth, simply in virtue of my creation.
as revelations have been dawning on me, i feel like i have been awakening. i do not have to keep my head down to avoid judgment. there is no judgment or condemnation, despite my failures.

my Purpose is not at all about any action or inaction. my Purpose is simply to allow myself to be Loved by my Creator--this is much harder than you would think. how strange/broken/corrupted is it that i struggle with allowing myself to be loved?
but i conjecture that many many many people struggle with allowing themselves to be loved. we don't let people in because we are insecure. in a way, we hate ourselves--and being honest about those things is dangerous. vulnerability is risky has hell. we've all been burned. however, the more vulnerable we are, the greater the depth of love we can receive. the life question becomes: just how vulnerable will we allow ourselves to be?
the Life question for me has become: will i agree with God that i am actually lovable to Him?

as i have been moving more in alignment with my Purpose, i have come to understand that i can be honest about my struggles with my loved ones. i can now do this for 2 major reasons:
1) i can see the top of the rabbit hole. i may fail in the process of exiting, but i absolutely know now that i WILL emerge.
2) i am much more than the resume of my misdeeds. and anyway, the opinions of others really does not affect the inherent worth of my being.

i was exhausted by myself this morning, but as i meditated on these principles, my heart lightened. i have begun opening up to the people around me and i am achieving a depth of relief that i never knew was possible. this in turn has made others open up and suddenly i have been glimpsing their cages of pain and wounding.
complete healing is not only possible, we need this healing in order to be free to fully live.
i have pondered the notion of freedom for many years and it seemed a vague impossibility for me. this is simply untrue. i don't have to live in this cage anymore. i have great anticipation that this journey that i've begun will finally kick the shit out of my demons. they deserve a beating.

Day Two

i've taken a step that i didn't think i'd ever do. i've begun confessing out loud. not just in the privacy of my own prayers and in the cover of silence. to a real person--that i don't even know very well.

if it wasn't already clear, i Love Jesus. i know that is confusing to some. and controversial to some. and really cliche to many. but Jesus is really fucking rad. and i'm continuously amazed by what having a relationship with Him means.
the amazing thing Today is how being bonded to Him bonds me to others who know Him as well.
there i was, over slices of pizza with a girl i only met a month ago, and had only exchanged about 3-4 emails with. we kept our conversation light, at first, but suddenly we were at the edge of the precipice of some of my deepest and darkest.
i took a deep breath, put my foot out and have begun falling.

for anyone who's held onto deep, hidden things--for years and years and years... you should know how frightening it is to finally admit things out loud. i've avoided this because of the implications. because of how my life will have to change.
it's hard to say how i got Here. not how i ended up in my personal Hell--that should be obvious. we are all animals that are subject to our instincts for our own forms of *pleasure* and tumbling so far down the rabbit hole that we can no longer fathom where the blue sky is.
i too, have long dreamed of fresh air and singing birds and golden sunlight warming my skin. and i have had moments of Truly tasting and hearing these things, but they always fade into murky memories. losing hold of the edge and sinking back into the mire. forgetting which way is up. time passes quickly.

the "Here" that i'm finding surprising is the soft unlocking of my mind to Real possibilities. yesterday, i said i've been on the verge of tears for the past few weeks. i've made some pretty crazy mistakes that have driven me deeply back into my dark places. but somehow, the sunlight has been reaching me.
it's strange because i have been pretty passive about my approach to God, saving for the conversations i have with Him on my commute and going to Sunday service.
however, i keep on getting that hot undefinable buzzing that covers my head and fills my ears and quickens my heartbeat. and suddenly those words, those memories, and sharp profound Truths surface. and it been filling my eyes with tears. of pain. of gratitude. of wonder.

for decades, i have been an island with a rabbit hole. sinking in and out and rejoicing and weeping. i am so tired of weeping over the same problems. this is not working. so, making those crazy mistakes--crossing that line once last time has finally driven me to this point of confession. out loud.
this is already someplace new. and i believe that there will be more.

Day One

i'm trying not to beat myself up. but, i've been a pretty fallen person for the past few weeks. i am a decidedly weak person who easily succumbs. i've got urges and i'm always responding to them. i generally don't rise above. i am an animal.
i'm a little averse to posting my continual history of failures on the Net, but i've gotta put this out someplace. keeping things in the dark is dangerous.

i've been on the verge of tears for the past 8 days. isn't that strange? why do people intentionally live in a way that causes pain? i'm sure i'm not the only one.

but inside of these failures--some of these tears have not been about pain. some of these tears have been shed because of fresh understandings i have begun to have about the important Things. some powerful God lessons. i realized that when i screw up, God is not disappointed in me. He grieves with me, but He doesn't think any less of me.

i have struggled with this lie for years. it has always taken me a while to come back and approach God after i've made mistakes because i feel so riddled with guilt. i hang my head in shame and feel like i can't come back until i've 'done my time'. when we fuck up with the human beings in our lives, we generally have to give them a cool-down period. we give each other space so that the sting of the mistake can fade. but God is not like that.

He gave me this image: i can see myself as a little girl, with wispy black hair and chubby cheeks. i am sitting on my Father's lap. my focus is on the toy i am inexpertly fiddling with. He is cuddling me really close and kisses my sweaty forehead.
the thing about this image that moves me is the utter tenderness i can see in His eyes. He absolutely adores the little girl in His arms. and even when she squirms and pushes Him away or screams at Him, He is still hopelessly in love with this little girl.

He is NEVER disappointed. even though He knows everything about me. every good and evil thought that crosses my mind. He knows how little patience i have with people. He knows all about my lusts and premeditated bad choices. He understands my chaos and turmoil. He is fully aware of my past and present. He knows exactly what will happen in my future.
if i actually Believe God--if everything in the Word is Truth--if i really am that wispy-haired little girl sitting on His lap, it would IMPOSSIBLE for Him to be disappointed in me. knowing what He knows makes disappointment existentially impossible for God. He can already see me fully restored. i'll be just like Jesus. He already sees me that way.

God knows the course i've been taking in these limited days--making mistakes and constantly returning to my vomit--but He still looks at me with that utter utter love. He's always cuddling that little squirming girl on His lap. no matter what i've done, He always will want to bend down and kiss my sweaty forehead.
why? i have no clue. His love is absolutely ridiculous. but everything inside of me knows that it is the most Real thing in the world.

a blog about nothing

i need to sleep soon. i've got an early Sunday morning hike to get to. it's been a while since i've been on one of these, but my friend from the UK has been in town for the past week--and Sunday hikes were something special we used to do together. plus, it's finally beginning to cool down and the idea of getting out into the clearer air of the mountains is extremely appealing to me.

today will mark Day 5 of my life of asceticism. i made it to Day 16, but then my friend came into town and i decided to throw it out of the window--it was my own excuse and i splurged in grand style. but i paid the piper. you always have to pay the piper, huh?
i've wondered if there's any point for me to be an ascetic--and if i'd ever make it out of the double digits of days, but, there *does* seem to be a point. i feel better, healthier... my mind is clearer, i feel less guilt about ruining my physical body and i have a *somewhat* saner flow to my life. it's 10pm and i feel tired. this seems like it's a good thing. particularly because tomorrow, i'll wake with the sun--and there is something absolutely lovely about the morning.

i counted days. i wondered if i'd make it into the triple digits of ascetic days, and ironically, Day 100 will be my 33rd birthday. on Day 102 i'll be in Malaysia. or Northern Thailand.
i'm currently considering how unwise it is to write about this, particularly because i'm a weak individual who is terrible at keeping commitments--but... well, who gives a shit? these promises are to myself. and possibly God.
i guess i'm writing because it's just nice for me to keep a record someplace. eventually i read these archives over, and sometimes i learn something from them. or i get to cringe at my childish meanderings and then shrug--simply happy to be a little 'further along'.

i'm reading Murakami's running book right now and it's exactly the right book for my state of mind. pain is inevitable, but suffering is not.
i'm definitely feeling some pain.
i've had a headache for the past 21 days. i can't be sure if it's the acute bronchitis i contracted, the strange sleep i've been getting, the fact that i've quit smoking, or any of the other lifestyle changes i've made. but, more and more i'm realizing the distinct limitations of this frail form. i'm patently sensing how stability and structure and order really produces/increases/encourages longevity in my physical, spiritual, and emotional health. i'm a fucking robot, huh?
but, there it is.
though there is something constraining about regular sleep, diet, exercise, and socialization/scheduling--this seems like it should create more flexibility during my waking hours in some ways? though lately, i've been feeling like i'm in a box--socially, intellectually, and spiritually:
socially, i've really just gotten sick to death of people and have not been going out at all. i'm just not up for dealing with demands or trying to look pretty or flatter someone. but also, you can't be an ascetic and be social. it makes people uncomfortable. plus, i personally can't stand being around cigarette smoke right now. this puts a hedge around my options.
i'm also worried about the intellectual side of my mind these days. i feel like my brain has been addled by a misspent youth and i literally have trouble recalling simple things, much less keep track of my schedule. i've been absent-minded and very laissez faire about things that used to cause me much more issue. at the same time, i've rediscovered my love for books and have been burning through an average of 2-3/week--so, i'm not sure if that means my brains are ok? or... maybe it's a problem with my sleep... i've been falling sleep when "normal" people normally do, but i have been waking up at 2-3-4 in the morning for no reason. whenever i awake these days, even if i'm tired, i yearn for the sunlight. the sunlight makes it more likely for it to be the time i should sit up and begin moving. there is something unsettling about wide-awaking at 3am.
on the spiritual side... i've just got a lot of questions. i'm not questioning the larger cosmological/existential issues, but rather, i've been teasing through the questions of: so, what now? and how?


anyway, that's enough of nothing for now.

relate to me

it's nearly 2:30am on a Friday night. i just finished inputting about 50% of the progress reports that i had to finish for my 30 students, and i'm wide awake. my dear friend is sleeping on the floor beside me, completely knocked out from all the academic hurdles we've had to bound over for the past 3 weeks. we're nearly to the end of this crazy Summer camp and hell--we're counting down the days for this to be OVER.
i'm ready for the Summer to come to a conclusion so that i can regain a semblance of normalcy. but actually, i have no idea what that is. in fact, once this Summer's over, i expect that my world might feel like it's been turned inside out.

a lot of things have happened in the past few weeks that've tested the limits of my patience in addition to stretching me out as a person. i'm realizing what a selfish person i can be, concurrently with realizing that i've become an overly(?) independent person. this has been highlighted to me as i've been living with one of my closest friends in close quarters. it's been odd having her here--always having another's presence to mind, never feeling fully *alone*.
i realize that even though i've craved the alone time, actually having someone to come home to (or with, rather--because we work in the same office) hasn't been as wildly suffocating as i thought it would be. i still don't relish the idea of ever having to live with anyone, but i'm not as staunchly against the idea as i was before her arrival.

but there has been a relational break-down with another close friend, who i just didn't have the energy or fortitude to fight with. last week, i had felt pretty put off by her and scratched our conflict's surface the following day, but i never finished addressing it because there hadn't been adequate time/opportunity to do so. i just figured that we'd work it out when i had some time to think and breathe.
unfortunately, when i scratched the surface, she felt wounded and the sore grew into a festering pus-filled mess for her. i should've realized that she would be thusly affected, but my busyness and exhaustion and angst made me feel more selfishly invested in taking care of myself, rather than looking to her needs. it's a bit of a no-win situation for one of us--and i realize that maybe it should be me. i know i shouldn't have to cow-tow to anyone, but given that i'm probably more emotionally and socially aware than she is, it's more my responsibility to try to be loving and more forgiving and self-sacrificial than she.
she's been driving me nuts these days, but i think it's because we have both become more emotionally invested in our (newer) friendship--along with this type of scenario, conflicts will/must arise. it's odd though, because i usually do not have these kinds of conflicts with my friends. usually my friendships are much more even-keeled. conflicts are reasonably discussed over coffee or drinks or dinner--and more often than not, things are talked out before they actually become a full-blown conflict.
sigh. why are some people so complicated?

this Summer, both of these relationships have highlighted how *overly* independent i've become. i dunno--i've become a pretty damn independent person. i like to do most things alone. i need hours by myself a day otherwise i begin to feel demanded upon. i don't like to travel with people. i've stopped making new friends in Seoul because i'm sick of the 'getting to know you' conversations and dealing with fucked up personalities or the disappointment of losing someone back to their home country.
whenever i meet someone with even the slightest hint of neediness, i back way the hell back and hope to blend into the wallpaper when they're around. i've got a messed up contemptuous attitude towards neediness--i figure that if: ME, of all people, can learn emotional and social independence, why can't everyone else?
however, i'm beginning to wonder if my "independence" is more of a self-protective measure so that i can never feel disappointed by people. i just stay away from those whom i can sense will probably let me down (in some way or another) and keep things light and surface level with the other amicable people i meet. if you're a new person to me and happen to do something sloppy or shady: i don't really give a shit. i couldn't really count on you because i didn't really have any expectations for you anyway... and, you have no right to expect anything from me either.

is this selfishness?
is there a such a thing as "overly" independent?

i'm worried that i've developed some fucked up ideas about how to relate to people.

well, i'm staring at this computer screen through my smudged glasses, and my friend has just complained about me keeping the light on. because i love her, i will sign off for now.
i've got many things to ponder on. for now, in the dark, i suppose.

bloody Sunday

at what point can a person claim the title "Fool"?
[yes, i know... i too hate my own self-deprecation and wholeheartedly see the irony of that]
i am pondering: how many times can a person can learn something and then forget it and then re-learn it and then forget it--before truly deserving the title of Master of Foolishness?

but, here it is again, something that i've learned before, forgotten, then relearned again today. i don't know how many times i've learned this particular lesson. but well, to err is human, but to forgive, divine, yes? i must apply this forgiveness to the forgiveness of myself as well.
i don't give up. i can't. won't. for me, it is far better to bite my lip in humiliation, brush the detritus from my bleeding wounds, then rise back to my feet.
forgiving one's self is extremely difficult for a certain population of us humans, isn't it? i know this is an obvious question, but Self-Loathing is a very real experience for me. she has been one of my very favorite demons for decades. but i hope, for myself and the other Fools out there, when we re-learn--when we re-forgive--we also integrate a little something extra.

thus, i am sitting here, uncomfortable, with a headache and itchy skin. i feel weak and fidgety. this is a terrible combination of physical discomforts. i am also experiencing waves of peace and panic as i consider the unknown. it is a scary place.
but the common, the unchanged, the gaze upon my own reflection in the mirror and immediately forgetting what i look like--this is much worse than my trepidation and achy flesh. i am going pray while i continue to sit here, the Master that i am, hoping to push through my jitters and finally have this title fall from my shoulders.

better to run. scream. dance. tear at my hair. breathe. laugh. rest. sing. cry.

lather. rinse.
but this time, let me reel clean off the edge.

Taw

i've been pushed to the limit and have coped in pretty unhealthy ways...
the Spring transitioned into Summery monsoon and we are now moving into late Summer. i'm now officially halfway through a Summer camp as head teacher/coordinator, and of course, i'm utterly *exhausted*.

i'm sure it's annoying to continue to read my repetitive plaint: ugh! i'm a fucking mess. i feel especially bad today because i recently got reallyREALLY good news, but nullified the goodness of that news within 164 hours of receiving it.
but, that's not what i want to talk about tonight. i'm a mess, but God is really good to me.  He still meets me, and chooses to call me His daughter. i don't understand this. why does God give me chance upon chance upon chance?

despite the fact that i have once again made a bad choice that has put me right back into peril--despite the fact that i dodged a bullet, only to run back into the gunfire, i know my Redeemer lives. and He is active in my life.
this makes me feel weak. with gratitude and a hope for something better.

i had arduously plodded through chapter 119--the longest chapter in the longest book of the collection. i've been pretty lazy (avoidant?) about keeping up with my reading and reflection. i have a hard time reading upbeat exclamations of praise when i'm not doing so well. i know that's shitty and speaks to how messed up i am as a person. however, the thought that the writer closes up this helluva long chapter with is: "I have gone astray like a lost sheep; seek your servant, for I do not forget your commandments."

this was very comforting for me to read. i felt a little less alone in my astray-ness. i know i'm crazy. and neurotic. and tend to be insecure about the value of my personhood for much of my waking existence.
and the next part is also that i never forget Him. i can't. not after knowing what i know. and experiencing what i've experienced.
i also know i can't actually bring lasting change to these things without God's help.
i had a moment of thankfulness as i read that verse. God used that writer to speak to me when s/he put quill to paper--or whatever they used back in those days.
these glimmers of Grace, despite the brokenness of my existence remind me about what Love is. and there is nothing more True or Real about Who i really am. This is what gives me value.

splatter

my foot has been pressing hard against the accelerator.
gaining momentum
racingblurringstumbletopple correction
speedingspeeding hope i don't die.
or do i care about that?

as badly as i want to slow down--as much as i want to take my foot off the gas, i just can't. there isn't time. there's only responsibility. and obligation. and love and laughter and must do's.
dizzy with exhaustion
sometimes happy
sometimes angry
completely spent
and i feel so selfish because i feel like i can barely keep on doing anything. for anyone.
and i hate myself for it. and i hate everything because i just want to get some rest.
why can't i just have 2 full days where no one asks anything of me? and i can just sit in the sun and sip some tea and read a book?

it's been like this since the beginning of March.
the craziest, busiest job. that i love. then my brother came to visit right at the cusp of midterms. he left right when my finals prep began. right away i was slammed with a grueling month of end-of-semester tasks that spilled into an ever-growing pile. i was finally done on a Friday.

but summer school began the following Monday. and then came another fast paced month of 10 hour days, 70 quizzes to daily grade, lessons to plan, feedback to give, students and administration to please--all while mentally preparing for a month-long guest and her friend to stay with me in my apartment.
[i am always excited to spend time with loved ones, but, my apartment had been my only sanctuary for peace. where i could shut everything and everybody OUT. and i didn't have to emotionally cater or move or breathe or listen or speak.]

i thought i had a week to rest before my friend arrived. the finish line was in sight. but on the second to last day of summer school, i came home, hungry and tired. i had with a heavy bag of finals to grade and a mountain of administrative task to complete.
but there was a monster in my apartment.
dark green tendrils soaked into the very bed i had been sleeping on. it rotted into all of my furniture and clothes and began to eat away at all the surfaces--the walls, the counters, into my refrigerator and coffee maker--every place my hands and feet touched were infected. infested.
from one corner to another to the next and all around--growing, creeping inward, sealing me into the center of the room, choking me and making my skin crawl with revulsion. billions of spores were tossed into the air, invisible, but stinking my nostrils and sinking into my bronchioles. while it crazy-monsooned outside.
there was no place to run. i couldn't even go outside for a breath of fresh air because it would be just another rain-soaked task to deal with.
i cried. in helpless frustration. but mostly weariness.
and then, i grit my teeth, turned on some music, and graded those damn finals. i used a black pen to pass 'em, a red one to fail 'em, used my bag as a pillow and fell asleep at 4am. my eyes popped open 3 hours later, i taught my last 2 classes, then rushed back and searched for an apartment. in the monsoon. 12 hours from the beginning of that day, i shakily selected an apartment, then went back home to pack so that i could move the next day.
again, i stayed up until 4am tossing out heavy loads of disintegrating furniture, my body smeared with sweat and mold and dirt and spiders while it rained on me.
8am, the mover came, and we moved the contents of that god-forsaken apartment into the next one. i cringed at the thought of all of the spores that were still embedded into the fibers of every last piece of cloth i owned.

which finally brings me to this week.

i've been a zombie as i've methodically moved. i've done 16 loads of laundry and unpacked and wiped down surfaces. the air's filled with toxic disinfectants while the skin of my hands have chapped--but i washed them, hung up clothing to dry on anything available and have continued on and on.
and on and on.
i couldn't let myself think too hard about the fact that my hope for rest was shrinking because time moves inexorably forward. and my minutes are limited. because i would have to cry.

and now, it's 1am, i have to be up in 7 hours, and i've got yet another hectic month in front of me.
i don't know what to feel.
am i allowed to feel?
yes. i feel tired.


and extremely confused.
all of these awful things have happened concurrently with some strange and incredible things. while my head throbs from weariness, i'm also feeling perplexed.
against all odds, i've gotten some perfectly good news about the fall, my health, and was suddenly stirred out of some terrible complacencies i've been locked into for a long time.

there's too much to explicated, but there are some horrible and good things flooding my life at precisely this time.
what the hell is going on? will i ever have a chance for peace? am i just not built to attain any?

is life just a mother fucker or is there something else happening that i can't understand?

Journal: 7.11.11

i'm losing time these days.
i don't know if it's age or depression or angst or busyness. but i'm beginning to forget things. things that seem like they should be important to me. or even the unimportant thing i went into my bedroom to get before i leave the house. shit. declining mental acuity is concerning.
so, is this it? have i already peaked and now steadily making my way downward into mediocrity... and then worse?

i'm also feeling like a turtle. not the Teenage Mutant Ninja kind, but the 300 pound overgrown kind that accidentally made my way up the sand dune instead of back down into the ocean. i'm blistering in the sun while nasty little kids are squealing with horror at the novelty of my being. they're poking me with sharp sticks and i'm retracted, sick of all of the noise and chaos, wondering if there is any hope of escape.

i'm feeling super angry with everything and everyone these days. damnit.
i'm good at pasting on a plastic smile, making jovial the setting i'm twirling my hair in, or saying something inappropriate for a snicker. only the nearest to me can sense something's wrong. but even they aren't privy to what's actually going on. inside.
sigh.

when will this pass? i don't know. i'm longing for that lasting happiness. the stuff that sticks.

Daleth

Saturday morning.
gloomy skies.
occasional voices murmur against concrete.
a hammer banging on a construction project is echoing.
it's sticky. humidity.

Daleth:
"my soul clings to the dust.
give me Life according to Your Word.
when i told of my ways, You answered me; teach me Your statutes.
make me understand the way of Your precepts, and i will meditate on Your wondrous works.
my soul melts for sorrow; strengthen me according to Your Word.
put false ways far from me and graciously teach me Your law.
i have chosen the way of faithfulness; i set Your rules before me.
i cling to Your testimonies, O Lord; let me not be put to shame!
i will run in the way of your commandments when you enlarge my heart."

this is not very lyrical, but it stopped me on the train this week. so i memorized it.
there's a lot about feeling like shit, which i can relate to of course.
but i'm getting stuck on the 'law/rules' part. there's something about those verses that sound so abrupt. plus, i'm not exactly sure which/what precepts are being referred to. anyway, for some reason, understanding this passage seems important to me.
i'm leaving this crazy metropolis for the day to spend some time talking to God. i absolutely know that i can do that anyplace, but i feel so rushed/tired/busy/cloudy while i'm here. i need to get into an environment away from my computer, books, work, phone, people--where it's just me and God. i have no option but to confront Him. or have Him confront me.

to be honest, i feel a little worried. not-so-much in anticipation that i might get struck by lightening/something--but i worry about feeling bored. doesn't that feel like a sacrilege?--God should be offended by such a statement, huh? but prayer can feel pretty damn boring sometimes.
today, i assign myself several hours to talk and think and wait. leave the clutter behind.

existential crisis: 2011

i'm exhausted and angsty.
it's only Monday night and i feel like i've been run over by a freight train.

i had an emotionally cathartic conversation with one of the few people in Korea that i dearly Dearly Love, and HELL. this was about as close as i've gotten to finally breaking through.
i don't know what got into me, but all of the pain and anguish i've been feeling about the recent months came spilling out. she could see how roiled i felt and as i shared, i was able to share more.

i have a lot of metaphysical questions that i haven't examined closely in a while, but as i am due for my quarterly existential crisis, the pressure blew up into near tears.

i wonder about God sometimes. His existence and Love and Reality are all irrefutable to me. but it is too macroscopic and unbelievable and completely insane to fathom at times. i feel this way when God becomes secondary in my daily wanderings and then, He becomes impersonal. undoubtedly, this is my fault. i choose the temporary over the eternal with the majority of my choices in life--and it is only His  profound, severe, unrelenting Grace that keeps me hanging on. or rather, i'm dangling, on the unbreakable thread.

despite the fact that God met me so powerfully nearly 12 years to date, i've been a shadow of what i should be. despite violence and blood and broken bones and terror, i kept pieces of myself back. i wanted to keep those pieces for myself. my refusal to just give it ALL has resulted in the tragedy of a dozen wasted years.
for most of the year, i'm a miserable slave to the pieces i refused to surrender. however, for several weeks, maybe a month--of every given year, i get so sick of being sick of myself and just walk with God. and it's amazing. and i feel alive. and the universe makes complete fucking sense to me.
my time in Indonesia was the most recent of these episodes, and i KNEW who i was. and had absolutely no fears or insecurities or questions about... anything.
but then, whenever i'm presented with the same life, the same temptations, the same habits, i stumble again. and again. and eventually, i find myself in that familiar  filthy puddle of my own shit. wishing i could just eschew mortality. wishing i could just curl up against His ankles next to His throne. and just cry. and sleep.

here's the scarier thing. as the years have passed, not only have those lusts become deeper, but worse and worse lusts have accompanied the original. i'm crossing lines that i would've thought completely unimaginable, three years ago. five years ago. ten years ago.
i've cried myself awake with the ridiculously cliched question: who am i?

as i poured out this anguish to my friend, i read her wide eyes to communicate concern. but actually she said, "i'm experiencing exactly the same thing." there was encouragement in these words. she asked, "but do you think we would have to share everything?"

here's the thing about secrets. they're dirty. if we keep things hidden, they will grow and fester because there is no one to stop it. to call you on it. humans are greedy as hell. this manifests differently for every person, but in the end, we are slaves to our indulgences.
we have voracious, insatiable appetites for *whatever*--whether it is for seemingly innocuous things like relationships or our standards or adulation from others; or the more apparently destructive things like drugs or alcohol or random sex.

where does this leave me?

tonight, i was about one breath away from sharing my dirty little secrets with my dear friend. this is the closest i've come to doing that with anyone in Korea. this is monumental for me.
we both got teary and she gave me the hug that i'd been needing for the past few months. we have decided to retreat away, specifically to pray, for hours this weekend. hell. i MUST be desperate. but i feel hungry and dessicated and at the end of myself. in reality, i know that i don't need to eschew my mortality in order to curl up at His ankles at His throne.
i need to weep. and find some rest.

dancing. walking.

it's 3am on Friday night/Saturday morn, and i just got home.
i'm WIDE awake.

i just bought my first pair of high heels in five years.
i hated high heels. i thought of them as somewhat degrading and ridiculous. why the hell should women have to titter tip-toe around on those tiny little spikes? plus, i've got notoriously bad balance, so i found them downright dangerous. but women abound attest that 'you just get used to them'.  PSHAW. i shouldn't have to "get used to" pain and hazardous missteps for the sake of sex appeal.

however, i can admit the problematic nature of my unwillingness to see outside of my perspective at times.
my friend R__n has got the sweetest face and disposition, and it's hard not to get pulled into every earnest word that passes her lips. she had a pair of dancing heels custom made for her and asked me to go pick them up with her. i shrugged, giggled at her exuberant enthusiasm, and agreed to meet her on the cusp of this monsoon season.

and then: sigh. what can i say? i'm a bit of a sucker for shoes. i generally go for comfort with a little flare, but when i was surrounded by hundreds of pretty, strappy heels and everyone was buying a pair, i couldn't help but examine the electric blue ones. and the red ones.
i tried them on. and fingered the suede base. and oohed and aah-ed over my friend's custom made ones.

"they'll totally help me on the dance floor!" she exclaimed.
i examined my feet in those sexy heels in the mirror, "i don't know, R__n. i can hardly walk a straight line."
"they're half the price of the all the other ones we've been looking at!"
i gingerly tested my weight against those spikes. i was shocked to hear very little complaint from my toes. i did a quick inside turn and realized how balanced i felt.
"i'm sold."

so, tonight was my first test run of them. i actually danced with more balance than i do in my flats. and i suppose i looked sexier--which was strange.
i'm feeling pretty bad about myself these days, so i find it mysterious that guy'll still hit on me in this sea of skinny frilly beautiful easy women. albeit, the men hitting on me are generally pretty gross, but hey--sometimes superficial affirmation can get you to the next gas station.

plus, there was this British guy who insisted on buying me a drink... we like the same music/books/movies and have the same philosophies about traveling. which is important. and he was pretty cute. and i'm a sucker for European accents. (shame on me!!--it's so fucking cliche.)
and then there was this Korean guy, who got really cute with sharing his sweet ideas about... everything. we danced and talked and shared a smoke. and talked some more. and he was quite liberal about being friendly about being inside my personal space.
we talked about culture. and language.
he shared about his grandparents.
and Love. of course.
these Koreans!!

here's the problem. they both played it exactly right. though i was clearly a tad standoffish, they led the conversations to reveal where they might likely find me this weekend and beyond. i was definitely sending the "no-go" signals about giving out my number--and they abided by my unspoken request.
(thank goodness. i would've been creeped out.)
but damnit, this made me curious about both of them. why couldn't they both have been overbearing and creepy? now i'm inclined to flirt.

while we were in the middle of some talk about *something*, Seong-ju randomly grabbed me and twirled
me into a bachata number. i laughed in delight.
this is fun. i have no responsibilities to anyone. i can just enjoy the music. and moving my body. and our sweat.

here's the reality: i don't want a relationship. i don't even think sex is a good idea for me at this point...
but i did like his hands pulling and turning me into the beat of the bongo drum.

workingworking

Sunday night.
i just finished my Spring semester on Thursday, but i had to prep for summer school which starts... tomorrow.
phew. i'm exhausted. it feels surreal to have completed such an enormous task, only to be thrown into another. i'm also kinda stressed, but still looking forward to teaching a new set of students. it'll be another interesting challenge.

"do you think your job is too stressful for you?" one of my friends asked me this today. i'm not exactly sure what drove her inquiry, but it gave me a moment of pause.
"no. not really."
"but you're always so busy and stressed out all the time," she protested.
"but i really enjoy what i do... and actually, it's not so much the job that creates the stress--i create my own extra busyness when i'm at work."

i'm a psycho perfectionist when it comes down to things that matter to me. thus, when i get invested in something, i will absolutely lose sleep over it. in fact, that's probably a good gauge for assessing how much anything matters to my person. if i'm not losing any sleep over it, it probably doesn't have much intrinsic value to me.

that's probably pretty bad for my health. i am in constant need of stimulation. i can see the effects of this on my body. i know i'm aging--probably more quickly than before. i've got handfuls of grays sprouting, and this makes me wonder if i should try to "relax" more. but, relaxing seems boring to me.

well, tomorrow's a new thing. a month of crazy lesson planning and meeting people and trying to get my life/head together. following that, i'll have a week off, then i'll work a summer camp, have another week off and then, the Fall semester begins. 16 weeks later, i'll have 10 weeks to "relax". i think i'll be going back to Indonesia. or... Vietnam and Malaysia. or all three... i've gotta start thinking on that.