Journal: 5.31.11

God. i'm pretty bi-polar. i just spent the past 10 minutes glancing at my entries since the beginning of the year of 2011, and wow--i sound completely psycho. i suppose i only blog when i'm super full of those boring feelings--happySADguiltyOVERLYoverly... but maybe i should balance this space with some of the more normal things that fall outside of my impending emotional apocalypse.


there isn't a whole lot to say, except that i feel down these days. i have come to realize how much i need my alone time.
my brother was here for almost 3 weeks--and though i love my baby brother, he drove me up every goddamn wall in my apartment. it's a terrible thing--the regressive patterns we fall into while we're with our family. you think you've moved past all of that reactionary childishness, but then you realize that noooo--that button is still, very much in existence and it will always be pressable by those close people you love to/hate to/have to love.


but, then the time for them to go draws near, and there are all kind of emotions and regrets you might have about time not spent as well as it should've or 'maybe we should've taken that road trip' or 'damnit. i wish we hadn't fought about' et cetera. i've been thinking about how we're not getting any younger--in fact, every time i now see any of my dear friends and family, there are more wrinkles and grays and less innocence.
[this is how it appears it will go, from here forward, huh? even my parents have said/admitted things to me that have blown my hair back. hearing certain revelations have made me gasp, but then resignedly shake my head. nothing is *really* very surprising anymore. we are all frail and imperfect and falling apart, no?]


anyway, my brother's departure caused me both relief and melancholia. his presence was a warm, comfortable old blanket fort--awesome, but eventually hard to breathe in because there isn't adequate ventilation. not having personal time for nearly a month really threw me off-kilter, and then the social obligations i had back-burnered suddenly started caught fire.
everyone around me has been demanding and demanding something. i've been feeling like a bad person because either: i just won't. or when i do, my half-hearted enthusiasm gets noticed and i get strange advice about how sun-lamps can help with moodiness. i've begun to wonder if my only value is being the life of the party or the road trip or the fucking cafe we're sipping our chai lattes in.
my reticence apparently concerns people. on one hand: it's nice to be thought of.
but on the other hand: do i always have to be interesting? or provocative? or have a funny anecdote to share?


i feel like i've i've had PMS for the past 2 months. today, i had a late lunch with a close friend i haven't seen in a while. (as i reflect on that conversation now, it's occurring to me that i've gotta toss a monkey wrench into this.) though we both had things to vent about, i am ashamed to say that i complained a LOT about some of the friends i spend a lot of time with. though i know that some of my plaints are justified, i have to stop and shake my head. what the hell is my problem?


last year, when i was feeling like this, i packed my backpack, went to the bus station, and took the first bus out of Seoul. i think taking another retreat'll do me some good. i need some distance and space and sun. i need to sit for hours on a bus and read a book. maybe this weekend.

May storm

i'll do anything to avoid dealing with myself.

today, i had an extensive conversation with God, which really moved my soul back into Reality.
but, i came home and watched a bunch of TV as a way to get my mind away from the painful arenas that have been causing me guilt and sadness. i know i'm not the worst person in the world, but i feel pretty terrible and pathetic at times. i look at the past 32 years of my life and it looks ridiculous. i have been through so many spiritual ups and downs and recidivism is the norm for me. my prevailing worry is that i cannot make another choice.

today, i sat in the pews feeling distant from God and detached from myself. i could patently see all of the broken promises and the lies that have ruled my life. i didn't expect anything to happen.
i know what i'm supposed to "know", but really living in *that* reality takes some discipline. this means that i can't always choose the path of least resistance. i can't always give into my urges. and i need to make healthier choices. unfortunately, the healthy choice is very often a difficult one to make. plus, this requires maturity and premeditation.

but, as i sat there in the overly charismatic service (for my taste), my icicle heart began to melt. i realized: i am making it too complicated. i just need to trust. and love.
i had to resist the emotionality of the experience. i blocked out the swelling music and the people praying around me. i just closed my eyes and bit my lip. Lord, i'm listening. and, i'm sorry for forgetting every single time.
you are not the culmination of your mistakes.

your past does not determine your future.

you are of unsurpassable worth.

you are loved.

none of this is new. and i didn't have a sudden rush of the warm-fuzzies. however, i felt like i could, once again, understand these truths.

since i've moved out of the US, every Spring, i end up in a bad place. i've got some awful anniversary dates that come up and then i'm usually pretty fucked until the Fall. my vigor is usually renewed around that time, but then the holidays bring me back down. come January, i fall apart, but am refreshed when i travel.
this means i spent about a 1/3 of the year in depression, anxiety, and guilt.

i want to make a different choice this year. i want to hit the reset button earlier. i want to end my vicious repeat of self-destruction. i need quit making increasingly horrific mistakes.
this is the storm raging inside of me.

i am guilty

i feel messed up these days.

i've fallen from grace, i suppose. it's a slick slope, once you start slipping.
it's an angry, vicious, exhausting cycle. and i don't know how to break free. well, actually--i do know. but when you live inside a certain cardboard box for so long, it's hard to consider climbing out of it.

i feel so happy sometimes. i get such joy in developing who i am. i've discovered that i'm really into being active. i love that i've learned how to salsa dance, surf, and snowboard. i've become a good hiker, traveled to about 10 countries in the past 2 years, met some amazing people, and have seen and done some incredible things i never would've imagined was possible 3 years ago.
but, i get so swept up and then lost when i get excited about things. and then i end up making bad decisions and hurting myself and others. i feel LOST these days. and i feel kind of helpless inside these directionless, hyperactive wanderings.

i mentioned making a huge mistake that i felt bad about, but then justified.
but tonight, as i reflect on the nature of my fucked up decision, the guilt of it is overwhelming me. sigh. i'm a dirty, terrible person.

away from the dark and into the night

alright. i feel pretty unstable, but i've leveled out some.

yes. i am a totally fucked up human being. i have made unspeakable mistakes that have not only hurt myself, but have also hurt others. it's horrible to think of what i am--that i can no longer say: "i've never..."

in some ways i wonder if these crazy life paths that i've ended up on have the greater design of forcing me to let go of any possible judgmentalism. everyone has a story. everyone who commits any kind of "anything" has done it because they were coming from *some*place. this is NO justification for doing wrong--but, i'm chagrined to admit that i've looked down upon people who've done "this" and "that".
how could they...?! i've asked/exclaimed. and now... i understand. i have been understanding.

will/should i beat myself up for my sins? well, i have been--but, it's really a waste of time. i can't make different choices. time cannot be reversed.
i know that this is in no way a new concept, but hell--the inexorable movement forward is a reality that we tend to face when we're at our ends. the extremely amazing and extremely terrible things that happen--to us and because of us.
i can only try to rectify the damage i've caused to myself and others, and pray for forgiveness. and NEVER EVER do "that" again.

this all being said: i feel incredibly fortunate right now for Life. rhythm and sweaty-all-night-dancing is keeping me sane. it's oh-so-good that i can learn something new, get good at it, and revel and enjoy how amazing it makes me feel.

so, current life assessment: i have dancing. and Jesus. and i'm just starting my weekend.

i am really fucking fortunate.

versus

so, i know where the paths lead me, but hell... i'm feeling a little self-destructive now.

i did this last year as well. i made a mistake and then dove into the dirt of the rabbit hole.
and reveled in the pathetic-dark-oozing pleasures of selfish gratification.
this is because i felt like: i've completely fucked up. i might as well dance out these morbid-beautiful patterns and satiate my desires. then try something different after the waaaay-after the fallout has settled.

i'm conflicted. the dam has burst, and sealing up the hole and cleaning up the hill of devastation seems too painful and humiliating and exhausting to consider. so do i begin sliding down this slope? that easy, slick, quick, exciting fairy-tale fall downdowndowndown....

down?

knowing me. probably not. but, i'm beginning to get to that place.
where i forget who
me is.

a vague map

lost.
how quickly and how suddenly that can happen. and how scary and disorienting this is.

i've spent another week at the office working my arse off, and then another weekend dancing into the early morning hours. while the sun hits the horizon, i make that exhausted trudge up to the top of Veggie Hill. my current place of Seoul residence.

this morning, after i was awoken by a friend's phone call in the near afternoon, i felt dizzy and confused. slowly rising and moving around my apartment... i found dishes piled in the sink and bits of detritus all over the floor--i haven't swept it in a few weeks. the garbage cans were overflowing. my shoes were in a haphazard pile of disarray at the front door. my clothes from Thursday and Friday nights were crumpled into a sweat-stiffened pile at the foot of my bed.
i felt unbalanced.

i should've noticed this happening, but i always notice too late.

whenever my place gets to this point of chaos, *something* is off. i let too much happen in certain arenas and then i end up neglecting others. and then i fuck something up. and i literally get *sick* because i'm physically spent.
if i could just catch myself...
if i could just notice that i need a day off and be realistic about my limitations.
if i just decided to stay in and reorganize/reevaluate, REFLECT, and take care of myself--i wouldn't be forced to by my bad decisions.

Spring fever did me in last year as well--and i ended up being pretty messed up by the heart of the summer, and then thru the end of the Fall. come Winter, i shut myself away from people for about 2 months until i went to Indonesia and got recharged. i don't want to do that again. i don't want to live in this vicious spin of super highs/lows.

so here it is. a cross-roads. and this time i have a vague sense of what the map looks like.
now for the hard part.

flawed.

holy shit.
i am a flawed human being.

it's crazy. the longer you live, the more likely you are to commit that action that you swore you'd never do. at least that seems true to me. i can't believe myself.
it's always this crazy cycle: i'm doing ok. better than ok. and what is Real is clear. and doing what is Right is easy. and happiness ensues. as does hyper-dom. and then i stop paying attention. i get pulled into the blurry land of compromise--which isn't so bad at first. but then, i make a wildly inappropriate mistake. FREAKS ME OUT. and then i feel lost.
i feel lost again right now.
i know i'll be ok eventually--this is life. there are very few irrevocable mistakes... but... i've been trying not to think about my sins, 36 hours prior to this moment, but damnit. it's a pretty big mistake.
this is something that i feel like i must take with me to my grave. no more details on this for now, except that i am a fucked up, selfish person.

photos from Bali

this video doesn't have any kind of continuity b/c i didn't have time--but, i realized how close i was to finishing it when i got home yesterday and decided it was time to just put it out there. there were too many awesome things that happened during my time on this island to be explicated in a blog post--but here are some pictures that tell some kind of story.
anyway, it was amazing.

Bali photos

the hours in a day

if not at 11:41pm on the eve of yet another FULL day of teaching, then when?

it's been an incredibly long time since i've last written anything here. well, it might not actually be, but it certainly feels that way. i've been teaching university students and i ABSOLUTELY loveLOVElove it.
and i'm completely consumed by it.
and i'm utterly wasted, dead tired almost all the time.

time moves too fast on this job. though i'm only teaching 16 hours (Monday thru Thursdays), i easily spend 40 hours at the office. this is not to mention the homework i grade when i get home and the lesson planning i do on the weekends. there is always *something* to do. somethingsomethinganythingeverything--and i can't seem to turn off my brain until at least 3am.
four to five hours later, i resentfully hit my alarm clock and chase down the tasks that seem to race just a little ahead of me. i can barely catch sight of those tasks by 11pm--and THEN, my Type A personality makes me ponder the wisdom of just pushing forward through those last 120 quizzes to pass/fail so i don't have to grade them--*sometime later*. like while i'm sitting next to that sleeping ahjusshi on the subway tomorrow morning. or on the slightly greasy table of the ddukboki place in my neighborhood while eating a late dinner.
i'm hit by intermittent waves of dizzy-weary sometimes-satisfaction.

why the hell would i enjoy this?

i love seeing that suddenly light go off in his/her eyes when i explain something in a way that makes sense. this seems to happen at least once in a class. it's really pretty great.
but, you need the perfect storm of factors to all coalesce to make that moment happen: fairly bright students. a relatively calm classroom where most students are attending to you. an interesting explanation/example/conceptual explication of *some* point. some investment. the right blend of humor, charm, personality, and intimidation--and then *bing*. those two girls in the fourth row get it. and so does that row of guys sitting behind them--[or are they just pretending to get it because those two girls are wearing ultra short skirts?]

i also love that i'm *doing* something. that the students give a damn--if solely for the dangling carrot that is an A or A+.
i relish that fact that i feel exhausted after a day of working. i feel exhausted because something is getting accomplished.

HOWEVER, time is a slippery, mossy rope--and i worry that i'm letting it all pass too quickly. it's already the end of March--which is a quarter through the year. how did that happen? there were so many things i wanted to do this year.

well, i'm doing some of them. i did quit smoking. i'm taking a salsa class (i'm going to get good by summer!). i'm only spending time with people i reallyREALLY like and care about.

i've gotta get back on the writing.
and the ukulele playing.
and the sleeping.

9 weeks in

most of the time i feel calm and chilled out, but occasionally i am pummeled by waves of manic annoyance.

i want to rip my hair out. or bite through my cheek. or put my fist through a door.

yes. it's been a week and i've stayed smoke-free.

i know i've been gaining weight because my appetite is no longer being suppressed by nicotine. SIGH. i deserve this, i suppose. but, this is worth it. i'm so tired of being tired--physically, emotionally, spiritually--and quitting those fuckers is part of the cleansing process.

this is not to say that i've been a pristine saint, but this does mean that my determination for *another way* has been retained. these new shoes are no longer so new and the shine has been scuffed--but they are beginning to feel more comfortable as i'm wearing them in.

the Lord is my Shepherd, and hell, i do fucking WANT, but He's leading me by those quiet, still waters.

for once, there is some longevity in this season of restoration. i finally have some measure of peace.

i've been getting used to my new apartment, my new job, and this new perspective. i feel infinitely grateful for where i'm at.

i've been reading Psalms since the beginning of the year, and i've been seeing date markings in the margins. these pen scratches are from right before i came to Seoul in 2008. seeing those dates has made me smile; i can clearly remember my homeless crashing period on my friends' plush green couch and how uncertain and chaotic (though lovely) that time was. i remember my studious markings on that onion skin while curling up under a panoply of blankets.

this is nutty for me to consider, but, there it is: my 29 year old finger dipping into the soft, wet concrete of 2008. what a different person i was back then. what a completely different place in life. my expectations and sensibilities were completely unaware of this person that i would become. the places i would go to. the many lifetimes i would live while i began etching out a place for myself on this planet. or maybe i was finally letting myself be etched. i'm not sure.

it's not that i wasn't a person before i came to Seoul, but my development was undoubtedly stunted by the paths i chose to walk on when i was still a very young adult. i've looked at these past (nearly) 3 years since my separation from my ex, and it's incredible how much my direction has been altered.

again. i am infinitely grateful.

i am grateful that i am out of a relationship that made me passionless and exhausted. i am grateful for the many travel opportunities that i've had during my sojourn outside of the States. i am grateful for the chance to grow and develop in some profound ways (to me) and being able to see specific, positive changes. i am grateful that i'm finally beginning to taste and feel and hear and smell and touch Real things.

God is amazing. He truly is. since i began following Him in an authentic way, i haven't had any regrets. sure, there have been difficulties and mistakes and heartbreaks. there has been disease, poverty, and all manner of delicious pleasures that left me feeling empty. but the process of trusting and loving God has led me to a place where i can always find contentment. isn't that actually what the elusive "Fountain of Life" is? not-so-much the water that keeps you forever-happy and young; but, despite bruised and bleeding knuckles and a broken body, you can hoist yourself onto the Rock and actually find peace and rest.

i'm tired and it's only around 11pm. i've been unable to get my brain to stop working before 3-4am since Christmas Eve. i am ready to sleep at a decent hour. and also for this, i am grateful.