good morning

hit snooze twice,
rolled outta bed,
thought begrudgingly about the 120 speaking tests to administer while brushing teeth,
drinking coffee, and brushing cobwebs outta my brain.


then, opened the door and
*breeze*
that perfectly cool morning breeze that smells exactly like Spring.
there is always something good. my finals begin today. i really hope they don't kill me, because life is good.
even when it sucks it is so good.

feel that yummy burn

i've felt a little forlorn for the past few days--and i have the dumbest thing that triggered it: i was at the no-rae-bang and my friend sang a song about losing innocence. it wasn't a sad song/anything--in fact, it was upbeat and playful, but the song spun me out a little bit.

i wonder how different my life would be if i had just NOT...

sure, the sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll have shaped a big part of who i am. and my lifelong immersion into those  experiences have granted me perspectives outside of the (UGH) church. but, i have long-since admitted that *maybe* it would have been better if i just didn't have certain bits of information. i have the tendency to become an utter slave to my lusts/wants/desires--and hell--this is not a good thing. obviously.
i lose sight of all else and just WANT. i'm so greedy. and i'm fairly resourceful. i can usually satiate those starved beasts that i've made my best friends.

i hate burning. you know--that consuming burn for those special, delicious vices that just aren't good for you. i hate having to consciously make the choice not to engage. ugh. it's there right in front of me. inviting me with those bedroom eyes.
and then comes the typical rationalization: i'll i say 'yes' this time and 'no' next time.
damnit. i'm just a fucking human. animal.

a better mood

it's 4:30am, but i'm in a good mood and wanted to record it.

although, i am finding it slightly disconcerting that there is a direct correlation between the elevation of my mood and the number of hours i spend salsa dancing.

at the beginning of the night, i was exhausted. i just wasn't having it. i was tired, cranky, and felt extremely reticent. i think accidentally kinda went on a 'date' with a random guy and i felt annoyed by that. and i think he just friended me on FB. SIGH. i know how bitchy that sounds, but, i just don't want unnecessary people getting into my social/emotional space these days.
anyway, when i got to the club, the friends i salsa with gave me a big shake and bowled me over with questions about where i've been for the past 3 weeks. i threw out some vague answers about busyness and expected to go home early. however, come midnight, i remembered that Friday is Ladies Night at Caliente--it only made sense to drop by. and i'm super glad i did. i danced. and danced and danced and danced. one of the friends i've salsa-ed with since the beginning kept commenting his surprise that i was being so vigorous on the dance floor.
"i'm surprised you're dancing to this regatone."
"why?"
"well, it's kinda like hip hop--and you said you don't like hip hop."
"well, the misogyny bugs me--you know that. but, i've just gotta be in the right mood. when i'm just feeling the music and not listening to lyrics, i don't stop dancing for any reason."
he gave me a hug, "and you shouldn't ever stop dancing."
"aw. and neither should you.... let's stop this--feels a little too emo."
"hey, i'm a sensitive guy."
this made me smile.

i've been feeling kinda bad about myself these days, but, tonight reminded me that my feelings about myself is a state of mind i choose. i'm certainly aware that i'm not the prettiest. or the sexiest. and i realize that i come off like a snob sometimes.
i know i've said this before: but i guess, when i'm dancing, i look like i'm super fun and approachable--and random people are attracted to me--(both men and women). it's pleasant that people notice this, and it's a great, low commitment way to meet people.

i met this fun Finnish girl who's traveling the world right now. she's super sweet and i figure i'll hang with her a few more times during her sojourn in Seoul.
there was this African American guy who was a great dancer, but he was coming on really strong. he asked those typical things like if i had a boyfriend and blah blah, but he totally respected that i didn't want to take his number.
these two Korean ladies i met in my salsa class were also at the club and they were really excited to see me for some reason. they seem like they might be a little older, and all-out-dancing until dawn doesn't seem like par for the course for them. anyway, we had a ton of fun shaking our bodies to the music and i figure they'll be people i end up calling up to hit the dance floor in the future.
and finally, there was this Korean guy i danced a bunch of the merengue, bachata, and salsa numbers with. we closed out the club together, ate some noodles in a tent on the street, and then he drove me home. in his really nice BMW. and then tried to kiss me. ugh.
the attention was gratifying and hell, i miss having someone touching my skin, but i can't handle those kind of complications right now.
all of these male encounters today were a little much--but, at least all of them were sober when they hit on me. it seems like it's been a while since a sober guy hit on me.

all in all, seeing my friends and the hours of dancing elevated my mood. the night feels like a success.

Journal: 5.31.11

God. i'm pretty bi-polar. i just spent the past 10 minutes glancing at my entries since the beginning of the year of 2011, and wow--i sound completely psycho. i suppose i only blog when i'm super full of those boring feelings--happySADguiltyOVERLYoverly... but maybe i should balance this space with some of the more normal things that fall outside of my impending emotional apocalypse.


there isn't a whole lot to say, except that i feel down these days. i have come to realize how much i need my alone time.
my brother was here for almost 3 weeks--and though i love my baby brother, he drove me up every goddamn wall in my apartment. it's a terrible thing--the regressive patterns we fall into while we're with our family. you think you've moved past all of that reactionary childishness, but then you realize that noooo--that button is still, very much in existence and it will always be pressable by those close people you love to/hate to/have to love.


but, then the time for them to go draws near, and there are all kind of emotions and regrets you might have about time not spent as well as it should've or 'maybe we should've taken that road trip' or 'damnit. i wish we hadn't fought about' et cetera. i've been thinking about how we're not getting any younger--in fact, every time i now see any of my dear friends and family, there are more wrinkles and grays and less innocence.
[this is how it appears it will go, from here forward, huh? even my parents have said/admitted things to me that have blown my hair back. hearing certain revelations have made me gasp, but then resignedly shake my head. nothing is *really* very surprising anymore. we are all frail and imperfect and falling apart, no?]


anyway, my brother's departure caused me both relief and melancholia. his presence was a warm, comfortable old blanket fort--awesome, but eventually hard to breathe in because there isn't adequate ventilation. not having personal time for nearly a month really threw me off-kilter, and then the social obligations i had back-burnered suddenly started caught fire.
everyone around me has been demanding and demanding something. i've been feeling like a bad person because either: i just won't. or when i do, my half-hearted enthusiasm gets noticed and i get strange advice about how sun-lamps can help with moodiness. i've begun to wonder if my only value is being the life of the party or the road trip or the fucking cafe we're sipping our chai lattes in.
my reticence apparently concerns people. on one hand: it's nice to be thought of.
but on the other hand: do i always have to be interesting? or provocative? or have a funny anecdote to share?


i feel like i've i've had PMS for the past 2 months. today, i had a late lunch with a close friend i haven't seen in a while. (as i reflect on that conversation now, it's occurring to me that i've gotta toss a monkey wrench into this.) though we both had things to vent about, i am ashamed to say that i complained a LOT about some of the friends i spend a lot of time with. though i know that some of my plaints are justified, i have to stop and shake my head. what the hell is my problem?


last year, when i was feeling like this, i packed my backpack, went to the bus station, and took the first bus out of Seoul. i think taking another retreat'll do me some good. i need some distance and space and sun. i need to sit for hours on a bus and read a book. maybe this weekend.

May storm

i'll do anything to avoid dealing with myself.

today, i had an extensive conversation with God, which really moved my soul back into Reality.
but, i came home and watched a bunch of TV as a way to get my mind away from the painful arenas that have been causing me guilt and sadness. i know i'm not the worst person in the world, but i feel pretty terrible and pathetic at times. i look at the past 32 years of my life and it looks ridiculous. i have been through so many spiritual ups and downs and recidivism is the norm for me. my prevailing worry is that i cannot make another choice.

today, i sat in the pews feeling distant from God and detached from myself. i could patently see all of the broken promises and the lies that have ruled my life. i didn't expect anything to happen.
i know what i'm supposed to "know", but really living in *that* reality takes some discipline. this means that i can't always choose the path of least resistance. i can't always give into my urges. and i need to make healthier choices. unfortunately, the healthy choice is very often a difficult one to make. plus, this requires maturity and premeditation.

but, as i sat there in the overly charismatic service (for my taste), my icicle heart began to melt. i realized: i am making it too complicated. i just need to trust. and love.
i had to resist the emotionality of the experience. i blocked out the swelling music and the people praying around me. i just closed my eyes and bit my lip. Lord, i'm listening. and, i'm sorry for forgetting every single time.
you are not the culmination of your mistakes.

your past does not determine your future.

you are of unsurpassable worth.

you are loved.

none of this is new. and i didn't have a sudden rush of the warm-fuzzies. however, i felt like i could, once again, understand these truths.

since i've moved out of the US, every Spring, i end up in a bad place. i've got some awful anniversary dates that come up and then i'm usually pretty fucked until the Fall. my vigor is usually renewed around that time, but then the holidays bring me back down. come January, i fall apart, but am refreshed when i travel.
this means i spent about a 1/3 of the year in depression, anxiety, and guilt.

i want to make a different choice this year. i want to hit the reset button earlier. i want to end my vicious repeat of self-destruction. i need quit making increasingly horrific mistakes.
this is the storm raging inside of me.

i am guilty

i feel messed up these days.

i've fallen from grace, i suppose. it's a slick slope, once you start slipping.
it's an angry, vicious, exhausting cycle. and i don't know how to break free. well, actually--i do know. but when you live inside a certain cardboard box for so long, it's hard to consider climbing out of it.

i feel so happy sometimes. i get such joy in developing who i am. i've discovered that i'm really into being active. i love that i've learned how to salsa dance, surf, and snowboard. i've become a good hiker, traveled to about 10 countries in the past 2 years, met some amazing people, and have seen and done some incredible things i never would've imagined was possible 3 years ago.
but, i get so swept up and then lost when i get excited about things. and then i end up making bad decisions and hurting myself and others. i feel LOST these days. and i feel kind of helpless inside these directionless, hyperactive wanderings.

i mentioned making a huge mistake that i felt bad about, but then justified.
but tonight, as i reflect on the nature of my fucked up decision, the guilt of it is overwhelming me. sigh. i'm a dirty, terrible person.

away from the dark and into the night

alright. i feel pretty unstable, but i've leveled out some.

yes. i am a totally fucked up human being. i have made unspeakable mistakes that have not only hurt myself, but have also hurt others. it's horrible to think of what i am--that i can no longer say: "i've never..."

in some ways i wonder if these crazy life paths that i've ended up on have the greater design of forcing me to let go of any possible judgmentalism. everyone has a story. everyone who commits any kind of "anything" has done it because they were coming from *some*place. this is NO justification for doing wrong--but, i'm chagrined to admit that i've looked down upon people who've done "this" and "that".
how could they...?! i've asked/exclaimed. and now... i understand. i have been understanding.

will/should i beat myself up for my sins? well, i have been--but, it's really a waste of time. i can't make different choices. time cannot be reversed.
i know that this is in no way a new concept, but hell--the inexorable movement forward is a reality that we tend to face when we're at our ends. the extremely amazing and extremely terrible things that happen--to us and because of us.
i can only try to rectify the damage i've caused to myself and others, and pray for forgiveness. and NEVER EVER do "that" again.

this all being said: i feel incredibly fortunate right now for Life. rhythm and sweaty-all-night-dancing is keeping me sane. it's oh-so-good that i can learn something new, get good at it, and revel and enjoy how amazing it makes me feel.

so, current life assessment: i have dancing. and Jesus. and i'm just starting my weekend.

i am really fucking fortunate.

versus

so, i know where the paths lead me, but hell... i'm feeling a little self-destructive now.

i did this last year as well. i made a mistake and then dove into the dirt of the rabbit hole.
and reveled in the pathetic-dark-oozing pleasures of selfish gratification.
this is because i felt like: i've completely fucked up. i might as well dance out these morbid-beautiful patterns and satiate my desires. then try something different after the waaaay-after the fallout has settled.

i'm conflicted. the dam has burst, and sealing up the hole and cleaning up the hill of devastation seems too painful and humiliating and exhausting to consider. so do i begin sliding down this slope? that easy, slick, quick, exciting fairy-tale fall downdowndowndown....

down?

knowing me. probably not. but, i'm beginning to get to that place.
where i forget who
me is.

a vague map

lost.
how quickly and how suddenly that can happen. and how scary and disorienting this is.

i've spent another week at the office working my arse off, and then another weekend dancing into the early morning hours. while the sun hits the horizon, i make that exhausted trudge up to the top of Veggie Hill. my current place of Seoul residence.

this morning, after i was awoken by a friend's phone call in the near afternoon, i felt dizzy and confused. slowly rising and moving around my apartment... i found dishes piled in the sink and bits of detritus all over the floor--i haven't swept it in a few weeks. the garbage cans were overflowing. my shoes were in a haphazard pile of disarray at the front door. my clothes from Thursday and Friday nights were crumpled into a sweat-stiffened pile at the foot of my bed.
i felt unbalanced.

i should've noticed this happening, but i always notice too late.

whenever my place gets to this point of chaos, *something* is off. i let too much happen in certain arenas and then i end up neglecting others. and then i fuck something up. and i literally get *sick* because i'm physically spent.
if i could just catch myself...
if i could just notice that i need a day off and be realistic about my limitations.
if i just decided to stay in and reorganize/reevaluate, REFLECT, and take care of myself--i wouldn't be forced to by my bad decisions.

Spring fever did me in last year as well--and i ended up being pretty messed up by the heart of the summer, and then thru the end of the Fall. come Winter, i shut myself away from people for about 2 months until i went to Indonesia and got recharged. i don't want to do that again. i don't want to live in this vicious spin of super highs/lows.

so here it is. a cross-roads. and this time i have a vague sense of what the map looks like.
now for the hard part.

flawed.

holy shit.
i am a flawed human being.

it's crazy. the longer you live, the more likely you are to commit that action that you swore you'd never do. at least that seems true to me. i can't believe myself.
it's always this crazy cycle: i'm doing ok. better than ok. and what is Real is clear. and doing what is Right is easy. and happiness ensues. as does hyper-dom. and then i stop paying attention. i get pulled into the blurry land of compromise--which isn't so bad at first. but then, i make a wildly inappropriate mistake. FREAKS ME OUT. and then i feel lost.
i feel lost again right now.
i know i'll be ok eventually--this is life. there are very few irrevocable mistakes... but... i've been trying not to think about my sins, 36 hours prior to this moment, but damnit. it's a pretty big mistake.
this is something that i feel like i must take with me to my grave. no more details on this for now, except that i am a fucked up, selfish person.