balancing those lemons

it is way too late on the eve of my first set of school meetings for my new job, but i am writing now because i cannot foresee the next time i'll get a chance to.

it's been a wild ride, these past 27 months in Korea. i can't believe how much i've lived since i've gotten here. there have been so many shifts and tweaks and changes in direction.

one of my closest friends from Chicago has come to Seoul 3 times since i've been living here--and of course, we have long discourses about *everything* whenever she's around. there are significant changes each time i get to discuss the important things with her. i know that she longs for us (me and other close friends who've moved here) to come back "home", but, with each of her visits, there is an increasing amount of permanence and stability in our Seoul lives. i am now the grudging owner of washing machine, refrigerator, and stove top. i've got a bed, a couch, bookshelves, and a heavy dining table in my ownership. i just signed a 3 year contract for internet services. sigh. i have mixed feelings about all of this. i didn't necessarily want this. i certainly didn't expect this.

owning appliances was where i came from, and i had made a semi-promise to myself that i wouldn't go back to *that* place... however, this time, it just felt right to head into this direction. i actually made these choices.

i'm 32, going on 33 in December. it's a weird place to be. there are things i'm told i should be thinking about--like investing into my future: career, retirement, romantic relationship, and what-have-you. but all i can think about is investing in my personal growth and my relationship with God. no doubt, there is a twinge of loneliness when i think about the fact that i don't have a warm body to sleep next to, or someone who thinks *of* me all the time...

as it is, i wonder how many days i would have to go missing before anyone would notice--and then how many days without me before people would actually become concerned. i'd say... a week and a half?

it's funny, because the person i'm probably in the most consistent contact with is my younger brother--and he's all the way on the other side of the world in Washington, D.C. in the past week since i've been moving into this apartment, i didn't have a Net connection and was too busy/tired to go find one at a cafe during all the packing and unpacking and rearranging. blah.

there were 2 people who sent me inquiries because they know how well-connected i usually am to the Net and were confused because they hadn't seen me. it warmed me to be thought of--that my absence left an idiosyncratic gap in their lives that only my *person* could fill. this love from my loved ones and my Lord feels like it's completely enough, for now.

let me examine this romance thing, yet again.

why the hell can't people believe that i actually like to being single?

i've spoken of singlehood often in the past 27 months, and i've had my waves of dis/comfort with this status.

however, for the past 3-4 months, i've felt steadfast in my joy as a single woman.

my mind gets all jumbled/confused and my volatility becomes even more intense when i'm dating or putting myself on the market. plus, i become a nympho when i'm actually getting sex, and that isn't a healthy place for me to be. i realize that i can't pull back (physically, emotionally, and spiritually) once i've gotten to a certain point, and i really can't afford to waste myself on just anyone anymore. sooo, because it seems fairly unlikely i'll find someone to fit my unrealistic list of 'must-bes', i just want to hold onto my satisfaction with my life as it is.

additionally, i know i'm a mess. i've got some serious existential and emotional problems to work through. i can't imagine bringing someone into that insanity. i've been able to bat down the typical desires that come along with being a relationship and my libido has finally responded to all of the cold showers. i just need to work on *myself* right now.

i bring this up because while i was traveling, i had propositions from 4 different men who were interested in me--it was pretty flattering. 3 of them understood what i was getting at when i started talking about being divorced and not wanting to be involved with anyone. the 4th, however, just sent me another strange email that alluded to some kind of future for us. DAMNIT. that really kind of ticked me off. how many times does a woman have to say 'i just want to be friends' before she has to cut him off? i don't want to hurt his feelings, but HELL.

is it impossible for a woman and a man to have a deep, platonic friendship? of the 4 men, i really connected with 3 of the 4 of them. however, when i started sensing that they were beginning 'think' something, i put up a detour and things cooled down quickly--even on the platonic level.

however, this last guy... i wonder if i'm being unrealistic to think that we might be able to be friends. in response to his email saying something about the 'future', i sent him one last email using capital letters. we'll see if our tenuous friendship can survive that. then, i suppose we'll see.

it's hard to believe how unstable i was when i first got to Seoul, but it's good that i've finally achieved a small measure of grounding.

it's hard to believe how many fucking mistakes i've had to make to learn a few, obvious lessons. i am one stubborn bitch. this is a terrible quality while i'm feeling self-destructive. however, my stubbornness doesn't seem so bad now. at least my feet have found something to balance on, you know?

2011 is a good year

it's 1am and my last night in this apartment. i'm surrounded by boxes and dust bunnies and filled with lots of contemplation about these past few years and the uncertain future.

a childhood friend died of cancer last month. i felt a deep sense of grief when i received the news. Seung was survived by a wife and two kids--the youngest was only 6 months of age when he was buried. his passing made my own health issues seem ever-more real and slightly more frightening. i had a chance to look at pictures of him and his family and my heart ached when i saw how gaunt Seung's face and body had become in his last few months.
it doesn't seem "fair", i guess. he was such a kind-hearted person. and i can say that he was truly a person that was made out of integrity. i grew up with Seung from elementary school through high school and intermittently saw him while i was at university. i remember his sardonic wit and no-nonsense attitude. he used to tease me about my bad perms and rough-house with me and the other kids on the 2-acre lot of our home church. he was my brother.
my mouth got dry when the pictures reflected his suddenly skeletal face, and i wondered if all of my joking around about my personal mortality would eventually become a self-fulfilling prophesy.

i'm reflecting upon this today because i've committed this year, 2011, to change and development. growth. i've stumbled and fucked up a few times already, but, i won't be dissuaded by failures this time. we're coming towards the end of the 2nd month of this year, and i can't believe that i'm still feeling locked into the commitments i've made to myself and God.
in the past, if i had been sentimental enough to make New Year's resolutions, i'd have already been exhausted by working SO hard to maintain them by the end of week 2. by month 2, i'd already be drowning in a pool of broken promises and eschew changes/development for another, more realistic time.

but, i've wasted so many years saying "next time", and now, i'm *through*. i'm certainly not through making mistakes--but, i'm through being dragged down by them. i'm still inordinately excited about what is to come. i *don't* know what that is, but i feel very reassured by my identity these days.

i can pursue my passions and interests and not necessarily need to see a return in them to feel satisfied--*that* kind of satisfaction is so temporal, anyway. it's nice to know that i can receive joy in simply being who i am. i want to more fully be who i was created to be.
i'm still figuring that out, but today--this day of boxes and dust bunnies--is a gift that was granted me to live and try to fulfill that purpose a little more. there is a reason i still breathe.

Seung, i don't know if you can read blogs in heaven, but if you can, your awesome example encourages me to keep on keeping on.

into 2011 and into Indonesia

so far, 2011 has been absolutely amazing.
there is something a little bizarre about me feeling this way, because i recently got some crazy health news--ironically, this news came just days after i had definitively made the lifestyle choices that would've made the testing unnecessary, had i chosen to be wiser sooner. however, it is what it is. pretty severe. pretty serious. but, pretty meaningless.
i'm through the erratic emotions phase of this bad News and i only occasionally stumble into the depression pit about it all. at the end of the day, i feel pretty awesome.


yesterday, i had a sleep-over with one of my girlfriends--a night filled with some deep conversation, junk food, laughter, tears, and story-telling. here's a moment that brought brought on a chagrined smirk:


me: you know my stories, M___. i sometimes feel a little pissed about the path of my life. really... why the hell do these things happen to me?
M___: i know. i don't know. but you're handling it all pretty well.
me: (half-smile) well, i've calmed down and gotten some perspective... it's funny because the few people i've talked to about this keep on telling me "you'll be ok. you'll be ok."--i know i'll be ok. (laughing) i'm pretty sure that they're mostly saying that so that *they'll* feel ok.
M___ laughed with me. then after a pause: do you mean you think you'll get better? or are you being more philosophical?
me: philosophical, of course... i've had 3 pretty fucked up things happen to me in my life--and i personally don't know many people who've been through one, if not more than one of these things... but it's not like my life is bad--i cannot complain about anything. sure, i've experienced pain, but i've received a ton of blessings.
M___: well, people get scared when you get too philosophical about permanent things.
me: like cancer and dying and all that shit?
M___: (shrugging) that scares people.
me: i know. but i'm not scared--i haven't been scared of that kind of thing in the more recent years... because really: who can number their days anyway?
M___ broke off a piece of an oatmeal cookie and handed it to me: well, i'm ready to go, whenever. well... not whenever--but whenever i'm done doing whatever i'm supposed to be doing on Earth.
me: that's exactly how i feel. who can know what happens tomorrow? or the next day? or the next month? (i nibbled on the cookie. it was good.) really, the DPRK could bomb us tonight. or, i could slip down the stairs and bust my head open. or, i could get hit by a car or something.
M___: (she burst out laughing) Mary, you've already been hit by a car.
me: (eyes widened, i shook my head) you're right. exactly right. i had forgotten about that.


so, what the hell can i do about anything? my destiny is not within my control. not really.


i can certainly make certain choices that results in a list of givens. i can choose to ride my bike, rather than walk. i can choose to stay on this side of the street, rather than crossing; i can ride slowly or quickly or ring the little bell that alerts that old man that i'm about to pass.
but, i can't control how fast that car was speeding down the alley, nor the direction the driver was looking when i was crossing his path. i can control that his mind was distracted by the argument he had with his wife that morning, nor the fact that he was late for work for the 2nd time that week.
i could not force my will upon how hard he pressed the gas pedal as he accelerated into my bike, nor how far it tossed me into the busy street. i couldn't stop from gasping when i hit the ground or stop the asphalt from biting into my hand.

however, i was able to stand up, brush the grit from my jeans and hands, and glare reproachfully at him because my shin had been bruised. i was able to grasp his shoulders and roughly tell him to be more careful when driving his shiny Benz.

i was able to ride my bike away from him to school, before i was late for my first class.

i can't control where my life goes, but i can try to connect and love people while i'm wandering the planet. traveling isn't easy, per se, but not having to daily grind helps me to be more aware/appreciative of the infinite value of the people who're breathing the same air as me.

while sitting on the sunny, smoky bus from the Ijen Volcanic Complex to Banuangi, Java--i felt a measure of sadness at the many people who begged for rupiah at every stop we took. the poverty is too pervasive for one person to change, but i bought some overpriced oranges from a gal who plopped onto the seat next to me, smiled, and coquettishly implored me in Bahasa. the uniformed school kids laughed because i could only speak from 1-10 in their tongue. an older woman looked at me suspiciously while i peeled an orange, but then smiled widely when i offered her some. sometime after this exchange, a young man and i spoke about what i should see and eat while i was on Bali for the following 9 days; we shared a clove cigarette while we talked.

beginning in on Indonesia

 this is what i did at work on Monday & Tuesday:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mLebPgy0KKE

i will begin going into depth on some of the things that impacted me on my trip to Indonesia as the memories begin to crowd. one of the most startling things i had to deal with was my privilege and wealth.
i said this already on my public blog, but HOLY SHIT. i don't know why the terrible depths of poverty wasn't more clear to me before. it's not like i haven't had exposure to low SES--in fact, my parents immigrated to America with $200, $100 of which my father gave to the church. i grew up in a pretty rough neighborhood, in a rodent infested apartment, eating government cheese and drinking powdered milk.
while i was counseling, most of my clients came from similar situations.
so little money, so few resources. life was hard. life IS hard.

but, the depths of poverty i saw in Indonesia... damn.
even the poorest people in the States are fairly wealthy compared to the low SES population i hung with on Java and Bali. my heart clenches and my breath feels constricted when i think about the hunger i witnessed. certainly not the worst of the worst, but these hungry people i came to call my *friends*.

this trip really opened my eyes a little bit more to what the world is: a fucked up and unfair place. but it's also a beautiful place, with beautiful people who are generous despite the fact that there is so little food.

midnight again.

it's coming to the end of my week of Winter Camp and i've got mixed emotions about hitting up planes, trains, buses, and taxis over to Indonesia tomorrow.
on one hand, the warm weather and adventures that i always meet on the Road are exciting to contemplate, but the stunning news from the past few days has left me feeling restive and exhausted. i don't know if the sun will chase away these negative feelings or if i'll feel haunted by questions and insecurities as i begin to wander. i want to be around people who are *close* and not random merry-makers while i'm feeling so subdued.

though i have been quite fortunate in life, i feel forlorn and i have to ask: why the hell do i alway have to fall into those fucked-up, tragic, statistics?
i know it's dramatic to say "always", but shit. in my general demographic, i'm the only one who's experienced "x", "y", AND now "z". i know i'm certainly not the only person in the world with a closet full of painful experiences--the Net is full of all of those examples of that girl who... or that guy that... but having to experience the top #2, #3, and #6 of the most difficult challenges that are faced by modern-day Western people (according to psychological studies) feels a little unfair.

what the hell is "fair" though? my life has been more than "fair" and privileged in most ways. i just have the very American attitude of entitlement. we all want freedom from pain. it's a ridiculous notion.

anyway, i'm feeling a little conflicted about the timing of this all. i'd finally gotten to the point where i'd been feeling *ready* to stop with the wholly selfish manner in which i had been living. this was not in a superficial burst of surrender based upon some "high" or experience. i had just felt that i had been coming into the understanding what is actually meaningless and what is *not*.
this was followed by the News.
my heart sank. is sinking. and i'm asking the "why" question--more out of sadness and regret, rather than actually wondering "why?".
i know exactly *why*. i know the principles. i'm talking about the scientific ones.
though, damnit. it sucks to pay for something after the fact like this, huh? and the cost is too fucking high for that paltry, transient product. i have nothing to show for it now but lesions and inevitable, declining health.

UGH. resignation.

this is life. my life.

i will allow these moments of blackness about this for now and for maybe about a week. and then, no more.
i need a chance to grieve--and even if that means i'll be spending part of my travels to a tropical island in rainy cloud,
fuck. this my life that is happening and it's ok to feel sadness when something bad happens.

in the end, it's really really ok, and i know that.

i talked to a girlfriend from Chicago this morning over a piece of toast while i was waiting out the clock to go to class:
me: "so, allow me to be philosophical about this for a moment: even if i get the big "C" and worst comes to worst--even the 'worst' is not a bad thing."
her: "...umm, the phone's cutting out, so i'm not even totally sure what you're saying but, if you're talking about dying..."
me: "aw, c'mon--of course i'm talking about dying--we're all going into that space at some point."
her: "well, philosophy aside, i know that you'll be ok--so, can you stop being philosophical?"
me: "look woman. if there's ever a time for me to indulge in this kind of rant, it is now... i'm just trying to get the tears out--i know i've gotten myself a little screwed here. i need to let myself feel this pain."
her: "i know, Mary. i know."

readers: i'm not dying tomorrow, or the next day, or presumably in the next 20 years--but, who can count on that stuff anyway?

by night-light

damnit.
my life has been fairly consequence-free, despite my free-spirited relationship with danger.
suddenly i'm faced with unexpected consequences due to my wild romping and i have to shake my head at God's bizarre ways.

well, i guess that's bullshit. how can i possibly hold God responsible for the natural fallout of my own misbehavior? if anything, He's been warning me all this time--for many many years. and in fact, i've dodged the bullet a statistically improbable number of times; it's only sensible that some artillery finally ripped through my flesh.

well, nothing has changed. not really.
a few hours ago, i was informed of a potentially serious health problem. a problem that was not really known of, much less tested for 30-40 years ago. sooo... what can i say to this?
in my case, our medical advances have simply gotten better informed of the name of the thing going wrong with my body. there is more knowledgeability on the tactics of the demon that's fucking around in my system--but, to what end? what is the point of knowing said demon's name if the word "untreatable" gets thrown in next to it?

and so, what can i say?
except,
i'm dying. but that's been true since i first opened my eyes to my mother's face.
you're dying too, you know.
**i know that this probably sounds a little histrionic, i apologize. but, i feel like i'm allowed a moment of dramatization after getting the News and then hitting up the Net and reading words like "high-risk" and "no known cure" and... shit. i don't want to put that dirty word up on here.**

i called a friend that i've become close to these days, and her emotional sway was crazier than mine. i'm not sure if it's b/c it doesn't quite feel real?--but i feel pretty calm. maybe a little pissed. and a little regretful--and i hardly experience that emotion anymore.
however, mainly i feel a non-negative form of resignation.

honestly, whenever it's my time to go, it's my time, huh?

she kept saying, "it's going to be ok, i know it's going to be ok."
and i kept saying, "i know i know."
her: "well, Wikipedia says the majority..."
me: "...majority means 51%. plus, it doesn't matter what Wikipedia says. no matter what happens, i'm going to be ok."
her: "i know you will. most people are fine--you'll be fine."
me: "even if my health isn't fine, i know that i'll be ok. i'm not in charge anyway."
her: "if i were a praying person..."
me: "God listens to everyone's prayers, even if we don't know Him very well."
her: "then i'll pray."
me: "i would appreciate that."

my eyes feel kinda watery writing this out. not because i'm afraid of death or disfigurement or the implications that this news could have on my future. i feel emotional because i know that God can see me typing this out, by midnight night-light, surrounded by sleeping travelers, in a Jeju hostel. He can see everything inside my heart and mind and even in my bloodstream. and i can sense just how much He loves me. His daughter.

so, i can still say: 2011, so far, so good.

reflections and pre-travel mental prep

it's Tuesday, January the 11th.
it's hard to believe that i've got 5 days before i'll be on the move again. Jeju Island for a Winter Camp, then landing back in Seoul on Friday at 5:30pm, only to leave for Indonesia on the red eye at 11:20pm that same evening.

i have spent the last week and a 1/2 being a very non-productive agent in the world, and i've been excusing myself by saying how *sick* i've been. i've had a sinus-y head cold since the 1st of the year--my girlfriend gave it to me the night i cooked her dinner. i can't smell anything and my head feels like there's a strange hollow echo in it for most of the day.
all i've done is watch copious amounts of TV, read half-way through a murder-mystery, written in my journal, cooked/ate, and hit the gym 5 of 6 days a week. i've washed ONE load of laundry, vacuumed my floor, and have had brief moments of panic when i've considered the fact that i've got 2 pretty big trips to pack/plan for (and not much time to do it). it's a long list, but really, it's been 11, 24 hour days.

but, it's been a relaxing time. though i feel like a bit of a bump on a lump, this respite has given me a chance to regroup. if laziness is the only thing my neurosis is forcing me to feel guilty about, i'm pretty sure i can live w/ myself.

so, i'm regrouping.
i've completely sequestered myself in my apartment, only emerging for the gym, the grocery store, and the occasional coffee/dinner.
yesterday i met up with the woman whose wallet i had found on the train. there were about 12 different credit cards and nearly $200 in cash in it; though i (of course) felt slightly tempted by all of those green bills, i had to shake my head and think about how many times i've been the benefactor of the "Golden Rule".
and well, even if i hadn't been, i've got more money in this world than a dozen families in the average developing country. i know i'm incredibly fortunate; never have i been served wrong when i've consciously choose to trust in the Source of my blessings/wealth, rather than trying to personally hoard anything.

since the 1st, i've had time to quiet my thoughts and my heart about *me*. i will never ever be perfect, but i'm learning how to be ok with that. who knew that grounding/centering yourself back on the planet was such a process?
i've got a steady handle on things for right now and it feels pretty good. i'm trying to only respond to invitations from people that there can be a healthy mutuality. but, this isn't always possible--even though i've hidden in my warm little cave, i still am getting the occasional call to enter into noisy, smoky, sexy bars. to these obligations, i come out early, steel myself with the choice to be *loving*, then pull out my most recent hi-jinks to get a few laughs. i make a few connections, cough my lungs up around the smokers, then do double kisses on cheeks--pleading some lame excuse (like needing to make it to a booty-call). however, the more i go to these things, the tighter i have to grit my teeth at the apparent uselessness of it all.

shit. i'm being really high-brow, aren't i?

but really--i'm just tired of all of these unsubstantive events that are social just for the sake of being social. i'm not sure what i would presume to be substantive, but i wish for conversations that exist outside of the arena of self-pleasure or aggrandizement. SURE, i'm a arrogant hedonist myself--but can't we get excited about other things?

additionally, i'm done with the whole party scene for now. it's FINALLY happened. i'm tired of the late LATE nights, the boring conversations, and the super grope-y, super trashed 20-somethings that are just hoping to get laid.

i say all this knowing i'll be on 2 different party islands in less than 2 weeks. there'll be dancing and beautiful, moonlit bodies, and plenty of tantalizing opportunities to engage in debauchery.
but, the more research i do, the more opportunities i'm finding to get away from the partying/beaten path and experience nature in outdoor activities. i've been longing to be outside and breathing un-recirculated air since the Winter blues have descended. this'll have to be a conscious choice i make before i land in Yogyakarta, Indonesia.

i am easy prey to hedonism and it's been quite a while since i've engaged in certain carnal gratifications. vacation is nearing and entitlement for satisfaction and avoidance of discomfort always sets in. at the end of the day, i'm not one to feel like it's a personal apocalypse if i make *those* choices, but again: 2011 is my year for doing things differently.

i'm going to remember i've written this blog and re-read it after my trip. i'll give an honest recounting if decide to give one.

change is never easy, but i've gotta allow the process to begin to unfold
some place.
some time.
a celibate, surfing, hiking, teetotaling, snorkeling, maniacal neurotic on the Indonesian Islands in January of Twenty-Eleven? i hope that's as fun as it sounds.

rambling journal: parents, reflections, Week One

relationships are dynamic and ever-changing based upon circumstance and development (or regression). happy moments and tragedies and even the dull, humdrums are constantly influencing the way that we interact with our various *others*. i'm generally not one to cut anyone out of my life, but, it happens--sometimes on accident, sometimes on purpose.

that can't really happen with our parents though, can it?
ok, sure--we can cut our parents out of our lives and not allow them to have access to our comings and goings. we can stop them from talking to their grandkids or disregard anything they have to say about our financial decisions or romances or religious choices. we can coldly or dramatically vow to never see them again. scream. slam doors. et cetera.
but inevitably, we can never really forget that the genesis of our flesh and blood was from those two people. a man and a woman. there is heavy meaning and gravity when we think about the origin of the shape of our faces, the texture of our skin, the tenor of our voices, and the dys/functionalities in our characters.
for those of us who actually grew up under our parents' care, our relationships with him/her/them are strange things, huh?

whomever we grew up under, we begin those relationships completely dependent upon their care. our frail bodies are dependent on our caretakers to feed us, clothe us, take us into the sunshine, and (hopefully) shelter us from the violent storms that sometimes rage and rumble.
however, even for the most functional and loving of caretakers, they too are erring beings--and one day you're faced with that truth, which is frightening for the young mind to grasp: your "parents" are just as *human* and failure-prone as you are.
following that, you begin to grow and individuate--developing that fierce need to be your *own* person--a terrifying process to most parents (who are generally still more knowledgeable about the evils in the world).
then, the push-pull struggle ensues.

in Western culture, ideally, from this struggle, the youth emerges as an adult; this relationship between caretaker and the once frail, yowling bundle of joy, shifts into one of mutuality and respect.
of course, this is just the ideal. hardly commonplace. however, there is usually *some* semblance of this process for most of us who have made it into adulthood.

***
speaking from my 2nd generation, Korean-American experiences, i would conjecture that the young-adulthood struggle for mutuality with our parents is more complicated. many of our immigrant parents cling tenaciously to the Korean conservatisms they lived by--right before they immigrated (in the 60s-80s). Korean culture is a grandly patriotic culture that (supposedly) staunchly resists external influence and proudly claims all progress as It's own. [i suppose most cultures do that to a degree.]
this is an extremely interesting phenomenon for me see because i now live in a fairly liberal Korea. this not my parents' Korea.

the first generation of Korean immigrants into America experienced a loss of power and disenfranchisement because of racism, a lack of skills (i.e. linguistic, systemic, etc.), among other things. ill-equipped to fight back, they externalized these problems and held the 'screwed up (American) culture' as the culprit. they fondly held on to the memories and tenets of their Motherland--the place where they understood the social rules and had some measure of respect.
as a way of exerting control in the oppressive American system, the first generation attempted to re-gain respect by applying an exaggerated version of the Korean hierarchical rules into the only system that they could conceivably "control": their families.

[i make this major digression simply to point out that in the 70s, when my parents immigrated, Korean culture had more stringent standards for parent-child hierarchical boundaries than it does today. in fact, my parents' models were my Korean grandparents when *they* grew up in the 40-50s. complicated, huh?]

this cultural disconnect caused much dissension and misunderstanding between the first and second generations. i hardly meet Kyopos my age who aren't rife with issues regarding their conservative parents. they all lie about their smoking, drinking, and sexual habits--fearing excommunication and possible disownment.
again, this is fascinating for me as i talk to Koreans my age. these men and women are fairly open with their parents about what they do after they come 'of age' (20 years old). of course, Korean parents might cluck their tongues about their child's unhealthy habits, but as long as no one gets pregnant, it seems that everyone's pretty happy.
***

why do i explicate on this?
i've been told that i had an odd relationship with my Korean parents, and now maybe it has become even odder.
i had the boringly stereotypical conflict-laden-screaming-bloody-war relationship with my parents during my adolescence. they were extreme in their rules for me (my curfew was 9pm as a Junior in high school) and so my rebellion was extreme. the 'internet-safe' rebellions i can post are: sneaking out of my house to go to parties, making out with my boyfriends in their mini-vans parked around the corner from my house, smoking cigarettes, never keeping my curfew, etc.
i was *always* a liar to my parents. that was the only way for me to cope. i felt like honesty with the Mister and the Missus was dangerous--(our EPIC fights often me in tears and feeling self-destructive/suicidal). so, i lied or demurred about everything i did and jumped over their tattered fence of unenforced, unrealistic rules.
this, in fact, was much more dangerous, and i honestly marvel that i made it to age 32, fairly intact.

anyway, eventually, though things were never really hashed out--due to circumstance, my parents grudgingly began treating me as an adult. (i think part of it is because i got married. however,) i think most of it is because they began to see that my stubborn will would get me *far enough* in life.
at some point over the years, i stopped lying to my parents [this is VERY different from most of my Kyopo friends], but i still had built sky-high walls about certain, sensitive arenas... i had gotten so used to let those sleeping dogs lie that i didn't realize the beautiful (though arduous) connection i was giving up.

about 2 and 1/2 years ago, when my life fell apart, there was a huge shift in the way i related to my parents. my heart was so shattered that i just needed the protective blanket of love that only my Umma and Appa could give me. it brings tears to my eyes to think about this time because their reaction to my pain was not what i expected.
at the time, i'm not sure how i expected them to react to my impending divorce, but it certainly was not the amazing support and compassion and non-judgmental care that they covered me with. there was something so wondrously comforting about being able to do the aching, tear-streaming bawl to them.
that summer, my parents took turns sitting quietly with me while i lay crying on the couch in our darkened family room. they listened to my philosophical ramblings and drank pots of tea with me. my mother made me jook (rice porridge), peeled me mangoes, and laughed with me while we watched Korean dramas.

that tragedy broke through some of my distorted misconceptions about who my parents were.
and, on their end, i think this incident helped them to realize that they *really* could not protect their babies from the awful pain that comes with life.

wow, i really didn't mean for this entry to take *that* direction.

anyway, i've been pretty damn honest with my parents since the above-mentioned trial. they know about most of my indiscretions--in fact, i can tell that they've avoided asking me certain questions so that they don't have to know *everything*. (after all, if they knew *for sure* about my adult sleepovers, they'd have to lecture me about it.)
however, outside of the obvious, i've held some pieces of my life in the dark, fearing that they couldn't possibly understand. i feared reprisal. fights... i just didn't want to expose to them. i didn't think they could handle it.

but, this is a year for change. doing things differently.

my Umma is the sweetest, most heart-broken of souls. she has an enormous heart and growing faith that brings me amazing joy as i encounter it.
yesterday, she and i spoke for the second time this new year. while sharing something common, i unexpectedly grew emotional and began spilling some of the burdens i've wanted to share with her for many many months. she was quiet and thoughtful and then said something incredibly wise.
"do today as best as you can, and be grateful for that chance. just one day at a time, Mary. that's how i have to do it."

these moments of sunshine. my darling parents.
my sweet sweet Ummunim. she's wise as hell.

detox

last night was New Year's Eve. and today, suddenly we've crept into another year.
i spent much of the day feeling pretty shitty, but interventions gave me some renewal.

the 1st is always a bit of a wash b/c no one knows what to do w/ themselves. you're supposed to be thinking things through and making resolutions and reflecting on what's to come. i was feeling yucky and a little unhappy. i've been an emotional mess lately for those bigger Questions and worried about what is to come--though i had not externalized/talked about any of it. my shitty emotional state just manifested itself in unhealthy behaviors.
the strange thing about me is that when i repress/refuse to talk through/process that negative stuff that swirls around in my head, i get completely out of touch w/ those feelings. then, that manifests itself in bad behaviors. when i eventually sit down and examine what is actually making me feel uncomfortable, i've already made a mess of myself and then i just want to HIDE.

this is a problematic cycle for me and i *hate* these messes i create for myself.

i had one of my closest girlfriends visit Seoul for the past two weeks. though it was absolutely wonderful to have her here, i felt the pressures of needing to be a good host and keeping on a cheery face. though my smiles and laughter were not disingenuous, the repression of my negative feelings eventually exhausted me. inevitably, when the dam bursts, there's a flood.
on Wednesday, a crack appeared along the dam wall.
over a deep talk about life and friendships and the inconstancy of nearly everything, i started spitting venom over a fairly innocuous issue. the rant wasn't directed towards any one thing, but suddenly i could feel my eyes filling with tears and then i finally felt it. profound sadness.
only for a moment though. my friend only had 2 more days left in town and i couldn't let myself go *there*. it felt too self-centered and i didn't want to add that on top of my many other failings. (i know. i know. that was a quick, but gigantic pity party.) my girlfriend looked concerned, but i just shrugged it off, determined to unpack it at a more opportune time.
i spent Thursday feeling bluesy, but just looked towards the new year as a chance to rest and reflect. but then yesterday, i drank too much whiskey and headed home before the countdown. i didn't even get to really hug my girlfriend goodbye. i'm an idiot.

so, on top of finally facing myself and the things that've been depressing me, i spent the lonely hours of this first day of the year nursing a hangover and feeling the burn of yesterday night's cigarettes. (please note: i "quit" smoking about 3 months ago.)

but, there are mysterious Ways: my best friend in Chicago was available to talk for hours as she approached 2011 on her side of the world. we shared our hearts about our fears and insecurities. i got to admonish her about her unwillingness to tell off the FOB-y creepster that won't stop texting her--("call immigration on him, damnit!") her father jumped on the phone and wished me blessings for the new year. she prayed for me. it was encouraging, but i still felt a little blue. i didn't like that i had started off the year this way. plus, i sorely missed her. i wished she could come over and sit on my bed w/ me while pigging out and giggling about nonsense together.

after hanging up, i puttered around the house for a while and then my phone rang. it was a girlfriend who wanted to fill me in on yesterday's gossip. her stories made me chuckle and brought back a sense of normalcy.
"i wish you could come over so i could cook for you," i sighed--expecting that she would be unwilling to brave the winter to commute to my place.
"what are you cooking?"
i perked up, "anything you want, baby."
"salad? with chicken?"
"and some mac 'n cheese i've been saving for the right opportunity?"
"i'll be over in an hour."
we sat and we munched and talked in my cozy warm apartment, and her presence helped me to level out and gain some perspective. today was not a day for me to sink into self-flaggellation.
God knew that.
not being the overtly sentimental sort, my girlfriend surprised me by asking about new year's resolutions.
"i don't do new year's resolutions."
"you don't? really?"
"nah. i don't like to fool myself with unrealistic expectations that are based upon the turning of the clock."
"you're so jaded," she laughed.
"damnit. maybe," i smiled. "but seriously, i just want to get healthy. spiritually, emotionally, and physically--i've been in a rut lately." i shared my thoughts about my emotional make-up and acting out behavior. i then turned the question back on her.
"me too. i want to get healthy," she nodded at my responses. "also, i just want to spend more time around healthy people with healthy energy." this warmed and encouraged me. she and i had been hanging out a lot more in the recent months; much of this was based upon her initiation. i feel profoundly fortunate for the people in my life.

my girlfriend surprised me again by mentioning that she had lately been thinking about spirituality. this girl always side-steps away from this topic--and i am not a proselytizer. i share about my faith sparingly because it is a very special and intimate thing for me. i blinked and encouraged her to start seeking on her terms.

this year, though inauspicious at it's onset feels exciting, fresh, and terrifying to me. i'm going to try to spend the first 2 months of it seeking w/ my whole heart. that means complete detox, quiet focus, and not responding to the many invitations of Complication. i'm a sucker for those invitations, but hell--2010 was a crazy year that left me w/ a hangover. i have 365 days to do things differently.

the end, the beginning

it's the end of the year. i'm within about 26 hours from the beginning of 2011 and i'm feeling a little melancholia creeping into my sensibilities. on one hand, i've got so many things to look forward to--i've got a one week writing class on Jeju Island, a 2 week excursion to Indonesia, a new apartment, new job...
but on the other hand, i'm *still* just me. the same person with the same failings and issues as i had 365 days ago. it's not that i haven't grown in a lot of ways, i just have a lot of problems. i know i know: it is unrealistic to be "perfect", but it really irks me that i carry some of the same problems with me from year to year.

i wonder if i can change. if i can be different. i wonder if i'll stop having crazy dreams about my ex-husband. i wonder if i'll *do* something this coming year. i wonder if i'll be able get over this apathy that has crept into my sensibilities.

but optimism always bubbles back to the surface. as depressed and dark things are sometimes, i know that the time i have on this planet is precious. that something about Today's passing was valuable, even though i spoke to and interacted with very few people.
this new year is an opportunity for something different to happen, but i'm not fooling myself. true change is not based upon the turning of the calendar pages. it's a stumbly journey of mistakes and development and growth and fuck-ups. for now, new days will continue to dawn and the Hope that warms me when i *really* think about the universe is a mercy that i'm profoundly grateful for.

good-bye 2010. it was an aiight run. but i'm gonna cheat on you with 2011.