specialty friends

So, with my 3 of 4 classes canceled, I will now move onto a different subject.
f-buddies.
I’m going to skip dropping the f-bomb in this grouping of words because random widgets or whatever-you-call-ems will pick up on the phrases and then start leaving lascivious comments on my post. I suppose I might deserve that.

I am definitely cognizant that engaging in a purely physical relationship is probably not a great idea, but I’m out of ideas right now. I don’t really want a serious relationship because I’m a bit of a hot mess. I’ve got some serious issues with men and trust and don’t want to be pinned down or have to answer to anyone else. Plus, my neurosis is my neurosis! I don't need anyone judging any of that without really knowing me.

But hell!—I don’t know when exactly it happened, but I’ve definitely entered into my sexual peak. Well, maybe it's not the peak, but I can't imagine an even higher peak than this? I suppose this is partly what compelled me to end up in bed with the young German fellow that first time, and now for the past 2 weeks. There is some grime and grit in those details, but I think I’ll save them for the book.

So, maybe it’s an Americanism to have to DTR, but I was beginning to feel confused about what the German and I were doing. Repeat meetings smack of something more personal/intimate--which presently, is not for me.
However, even though having a *talk* was perhaps a bit overanalytical, I didn’t like feeling so awkward-footed when gauging my interactions with him, particularly because there was sex involved. As is typical fashion for me, I just chose my moment and asked directly. I was met with some knowing chagrin. But, we had an honest conversation.
Though not all of this was explicated, there are way too many problems that would make a relationship between him and I tenable: we’re 7 years apart; I am clearly and adult and he is not quite there; he wants to sow his wild oats and I’m trying to rein in this propensity; neither of us want anything serious.

So, what’s the problem? Here’s some of the shite inside my concerns about getting into a f-buddy relationship: inevitably, things will fall apart. At some point, being sexy and getting the gratification of making a man extremely excited will wear thin. Especially if I’m feeling that he does not respect me. Which will happen, right?
Correct me if I’m wrong, but men are generally pretty simple: "If it feels good, why question it?"
And, now that we’ve made it clear that this is simply a physical relationship, the little sweet considerations will probably disappear. After having *the* talk, there was a sense of relief mixed with a little nervousness (for me). I could feel myself wanting to shut down—to shut him out, but at the same time, wanting some kind of affirmation. Urgh—so what the hell am I doing?

On Saturday morning, I felt that I needed a quick get-away, so I called a friend who lives within a few minutes walking distance from him. He gave me a sheepish look when I was leaving, “so, no coffee this morning, huh?”

Confusion. Always the confusion. I had no idea if he was being ironic or sarcastic. This time, I quickly walked myself out.