traveling and thoughts post-Japan

ok--my travel partner, Will was good to me--in that we *did* have hours of good conversation and he (sometimes unnecessarily) kept a close eye out on me. he also was pretty well-informed about Japan, and seemed serious about studying the language and culture--a respectable venture. however, let me take a moment to vent my spleen about him.

i will NEVER AGAIN travel w/ someone i am not SURE is a good travel-match w/ me.
it is a buzz kill. and i don't want to resent anyone after being on the Road w/ them. here were some of the crazy annoyances:
1) Will clutched onto his GPS like it was a life preserver and he didn't know how to swim--(he actually doesn't know how to swim. hehe~). he was so dependent upon it that he didn't realize that it actually hindered us from getting from A to B.
i like having a map to find things, but wandering randomly and stumbling across interesting people and sights is fun for me. the freedom of being off-schedule and off-obligation is lovely, and something that should be experienced fully. there is very little opportunity to do this during the daily grind. if i'm feeling sketched out or it's getting dark, i'll check the map and see if i can walk to where i need to go.

2) along w/ this, Will wanted to plan everything out to the enth degree and he hated asking people for help.
one of the major joys i have in life is PEOPLE. i find it especially sweet to meet people from different backgrounds and cultures. so, after the first few days of witnessing how Will avoided interpersonal interaction, i decided i would just initiate w/ the Japanese people whenever i felt like it/needed to--despite my non-existent linguistic skills. a funny side bar is that whenever we entered into a social situation, the Japanese people would always jabber at me endlessly, despite my helpless smiles and gesturing. they would refuse to believe i didn't speak the language. Will would then have to swoop in to translate as best as he could.

3) Will kept on leaving me in charge of all of the activity choosing (which is an important responsibility) citing, "it's YOUR vacation".
ARGH! when you're traveling w/ another, both should contribute to the activity planning. that way you might end up doing something that might be a little off-color from your taste, but could be an awesome experience.
anyway, w/ Will being as indecisive as he was, i ended up choosing pretty rigorous physical activities (much to his chagrin). he continually pissed and winged about being sweaty. DAMNIT. i wanted to baby shake him and yell: "grow a pair and just gut it out!" or, "would you please get away from me and go do whatever the hell you want?"

so, those were the annoyances.

but inevitably, the trip was a good one for me--for both of us, in fact. i think i helped Will to see that there is a better way to move through the world than being so self-contained/controlled. he actually complained about how much he planned but saw how things often didn't clock-work out.
i smirked and shot @ him: "really? things usually seem to work out alright when i DON'T plan." (yes, i know. i was being a little salty w/ him by that point.)
Will: "huh... well, you gotta show me how you do that."
me: "the problem with planning is that you think too much about reaching some concrete objective, rather than just experiencing and enjoying the Road."
Will: "but if you don't plan, you don't know what to do or where you're going."
me: "part of the nice thing about 'vacation' and travelling is that you don't necessarily have to know all of that stuff. AND, there are always *people*. i would say that 80% of the people out there at any given time will welcome a moment of connection w/ another human being, you know? and, if there's no one around, you just gotta problem solve."
Will: "i suppose..."

as i mentioned before, Will was a great conversationalist and we had many interesting discussions. though i am now more thoroughly disgusted w/ men, i also have a grudging acceptance of them. this is partly b/c i feel much better informed.
i love being friends w/ men, b/c when you're actually friends, men will just 'say it how it is'. no sugar. they are basic creatures. i like that.

i love to laugh. and God loves it when i do.

i am easily alarmed and will laugh easily as well, but there aren't many things that'll really really tickle my funny bone.

SO, when my funny bone has been titulated in this way, i will randomly laugh about the humorous incident for days after. this makes people nervous b/c i am usually unwilling to disclose the foolishness that is making me giggle.

i went to the 3pm church service today, and it was actually a little better than i expected. my church attendance has been spotty in Korea--(for plenty of personal and institutional reasons) thus, i don't really know any of the church members but the sweetie senior Pastor Bill.

anyway, i've been more intentional about trying to live a little more quietly and engage in healthier activities that make me happier and calmer and et cetera.
i've realized:
i DON'T have to hit every party i'm invited to.
i DON'T have to go out every time someone is trying to get my attention.
missing out on the "action" might feel a little crazy--this morning, i got 2 urgent phone calls informing me of the theft and the fight that happened last night. nutty. however, i observed the the insanity of the previous day's party w/ virtually no personal fall-out. (i hope that doesn't sound selfish. i don't mean it that way.)

i've been spending my Sundays at the jimjilbahng and then heading to church. afterwards, i've been either meeting a few people, hitting a cafe/bookstore, or just chilling out. it's been a nice rhythm i've gotten into.

given these factors, today: i had a nice time of introspection during the service, and felt like i had a chance to actually chat w/ God. towards the end of the service, there was communion and a closing song that i knew the words to. i closed my eyes as i sang and felt peace. during one of the choruses, someone sat right night to me. i didn't move or acknowledge him/her, though i certainly wondered why this person chose to sit so closely to me when there were so many other seats available.
following the song, there was a prayer--so i kept my eyes closed. at the final "amen", i felt the person's hand slowly brush the top of mine and i blanched. i swiftly turned to the offender in order to punch some lights out. i was greeted to the mirthful expression of my friend, Michelle, and i nearly burst into uncontrollable giggles.

from the podium, P Bill's mouth was twitching w/ a chuckle as i threw my arms around her. i loudly whispered "CREEPY!!" into her ear. Michelle kept on trying to calm me down and act like nothing had just happened, but my giggles could not be mustered.

i don't know why, but this incident has made me laugh forever.
it is grand to have some levity in the middle of a church service. God can be pretty serious business at times, but i'm pretty sure He thought the whole incident was pretty hilarious as well.

my naughty, indulgent Wednesday

wow, i wonder if i'm going to make it a habit to write this often. it feels good. i know how stumbly-bumbly-unedited it all sounds, but i don't care. i've just gotta get back into the swing of things.

anyway, i had to make a comment about today. it was FANTASTIC.

yesterday evening, i went to the dentist and had several cavities filled--and i had an enormous one filled with a temporary filling. indeed, it was *temporary* because it promptly fell out when i got home. bah, humbug. it was painful--and i couldn't deal w/ the exhausting idea of commuting back-and-forth for 3 hours in between Wednesday classes.
i began reasoning: it would be an exorbitant waste of time to just get a temporary filling replaced... not w/ all the additional dental work i need to get done... and i have so many errands to run in the City...
it didn't take long to convince myself to call in sick this morning.

maybe it was the wrong move--i know Koreans never take time off for any reason and i would not be viewed favorably for making this decision. but: i had a painful gaping hole in the middle of my mouth! and 3 more cavities to get taken care of! and i technically have 10 allotted sick days/year.
SO, maybe i'm not *supposed* to take them, but hell!--it's in my contract, and sometimes eschewing responsibilities for the sake of preserving health (mental and otherwise) is the right choice.

anyway, i went off to the dentist and got the rest of my dental work done. my dentist is a really quirky Korean woman who looks Japanese and talked my ear off while i mentally prepared myself for the unhappy prospect of getting the hell drilled out of my teeth. she told me about her trip to Chicago a few years back in a strange accent that she claimed was Bostonian.
while she worked, i blasted new music into my ears to drown out the high-pitched whizzing of the saws and drills. the music comforted me.
after the horrors of the dental process, i felt accomplished that i was cavity free and even got a doctor's note to explain my dilemma to my school.

as i spent an hour on the train all the way to the 찜질방, i spent some time talking to God. we had an interesting conversation.
what is a relationship w/ God exactly?--i keep on confusing what that means. undoubtedly, i engage in obligatory relational responses to my friends and loved ones, but usually, my actions are based upon my feelings for them. it's a natural, organic process.
i don't want to engage w/ God in an obligatory way--that leads to me 'trying to be good' and then feeling guilty when i am not.
people might argue that we have an inherent goodness in us. i would agree w/ that, but i do not believe that those reserves are bottomless/never-ending. i can more palpably feel my selfish and impatient nature.
[Scott Boren: 'as we engage naturally, honestly, authentically w/ God, we enter into the joyful, divine dance of life on this earth'.]
doesn't that sound lovely? today felt like a dance.

at the 찜질방, i had a rigorous, body-blowing work out that made my muscles pleasantly achy. i then treated myself to the spa (the salt fomentation room!) and 3 different baths. i pampered my skin and took my time getting dressed.
there is something *absolutely wonderful* about taking my time to do such methodical, practical things.

when i left the 찜질방, the sky looked angry and the air threatened rain. i needed to go buy a gift for my friend in Japan, but getting to Insadong to buy his gift would be at least a 1/2 hour walk. i figured that i would walk until the rain stopped me--however, for the first time in weeks, the threat of rain was an empty threat, and i was simply treated to cool breezes and a smattering of sprinkles.

i was immediately able to find the gift that i was looking for.

on an uncharacteristic impulse, i took out about $200 from my account and made a bee-line for the building that sold 1000s of instruments. i've been dying to get musical, but the beaten up guitar i have just wasn't cutting it.
i bargained and got a Kamaloa ukulele with a cute little case that i could sling over my shoulder.

when i got home, i made myself an unexpectedly delicious and healthy dinner, and have been practicing my new uke for the past few hours. it is surprisingly easy! and i'm already feeling the burn in my fingertips! i believe i'll have calluses w/in a week.
and! i'm already 1/2way through mastering one of my favorite songs (Elephant Gun) by Beirut.

being naughty was... well... naughty. but today's naughtiness felt exactly right.
i must do this more often.

thoughts pre-Japan

how odd is the way life unfolds?
when i was 28 years old, i was 3 years married and moving into my first home in the Monopoly suburb of Schaumburg, IL. if you had told me that w/in 3 years i would be considering a week-long trip to Japan as a casual occurrence, i would never have believed you.

i spent much of my down-time today doing research on Japan and getting thoroughly excited about the prospect of seeing another landscape, a new skyline, and a different sub-set of people of a foreign culture.

in photos, the Japanese vistas look sometimes similar to Korea's. they also look amazing and bright at different angles.
i've got the stereotype of exacting, prepackaged, shrink-wrapped, super clean, robotic trees and Lego cities/people floating about in my head. these prospects are actually very unpalatable to me--but i'm assuming these pictographs are probably inaccurate. i can only use my imagination to shape my notions of what it will be like when i get there.

to be honest, Japan was not on my list of places i wanted to visit, but w/ my friend out there and only a week to vacation, the two hour flight seemed that it was the right choice.
maybe i will surprise myself w/ how much i enjoy the Land of the Rising Sun? all i know is that i want a chance to get away. and really rest. and be emotionally pampered a little bit.

it might be terrible to say, but i know i'll be able to count on my friend to emotionally pamper me.
we've known each other for about 3 years. he was the 2nd man in the course of my marriage that i had to actively avoid in order to circumvent the possibility of infidelity unwrapping itself. when i realized that i was looking forward to flirting w/ him when i got to work, i had to protect my marriage by cutting off contact w/ him.
and he immediately knew that the tone had changed between us. he immediately respected those boundaries.

when i separated from my ex-husband, he definitely had the opportunity to 'comfort' me--an indulgence that i would've both welcomed and seriously turmoiled over. he was a decent enough guy to not engage me in that way, but that tension been established between us.
so, to avoid the possibility of Japanese shenanigans, i've already told him the white lie that i've recently started seeing someone.

anyway, outside of this one little factor, i'm curious to see what Japan might bring... the miniature deer, the mountains, the islands, the blue sky, the fresh air!

it could be disturbingly robotic or it could be beautiful and romantic and bohemian and/or the perfect storm of all of these elements. who knows?! but this is the wonderful thing about seeing every-places in the world. you always get to be surprised. even if by slight boredom.

September 2010

i feel like a fuck up. it hurts to feel this way.

well, i have these ideals about absolutes and standards and how things "should be", but inevitably, those are personal and subjective.
this still hurts though.

i've always known i can't be perfect. the Lord knows that i've tried and the Lord knows that i cannot succeed, despite my unrelenting attempts.
i sometimes wonder if i've been made as imperfect as i have been, in order to stumble enough in life to keep me attached to the ground.
yes.
there's the gritty ground.
and there's another bloody knee.
i'm clumsy. i have nothing to be arrogant about.

i get beautiful compliments about various things, but those come from people who don't see how badly i fail. i hide myself.
i actually get freaked when people say nice things to me b/c i wonder: "if you really knew me...what would you say...?"
the only person who can clearly see my failings are me. and Jesus. of course.

this comes down to something i was talking about w/ a birthday girl yesterday. as we exist in this world among other people, we just want to be *known*. fully.
without reservation or judgment.
and loved.
fully.
without reservation.
without judgment.
though we may be hell raising neurotics.
though we maybe dirty, intense, crazy, selfish, and only sometimes-sweet

sigh.
i want to be good... i try so hard to be good, but inevitably, it is impossible--not on my own. not by what i can figure out.

things are picking up again--(did they ever slow down?!)
here i am, ready to pack up to Japan in less than 2 weeks, to visit a boy that i believe i 'got away' from. i know it might be extremely arrogant to say that, but when a woman has intuition about something like this...

decisions decisions

i may be a pig. in a cage. on antibiotics, but at least i'm trying to get healthy.

this is weekend #1 of my non-smoking life. for the rest of my life.
this isn't to say that i will never smoke another cigarette in my life--in fact, i am sure that i will. but i've gotten so sick of seeing my skin deteriorate, my energy level dip below what a 31 year old woman's should, and smelling like an ashtray after coming inside from my smoke breaks during monsoon season.

so many people have guffawed at me for "attempting" to quit smoking.
1st of all, that's a bullshit way to encourage someone who is trying to get healthy.
2nd: FUCK YOU. i'm doing it.
this has a lot to do w/ my resolve. there are plenty of times that i say that i'm going to do something, but deep (and not-so-deep) below, i'm not really certain that i'm set on doing those things. sometimes i wax and wane philosophical about my standards and ideals, but know that i'm not really prepared to make the changes that would be good for me.
BUT, when i'm absolutely resolved about an issue, i deal w/ the hell and high water that come w/ making that decision and then grit my teeth for the gut-wrenching ride.

SIGH.
such comes along w/ the drastic, life-changing choice to be a non-smoker.
shit. it's a choice that many make every day--and stick w/ it, i'm sure--but, true resolve against a very tasty and lusty habit is not only a discipline, it needs to be a shift in thinking--sometimes a moment-to-moment choice. often, this is not palatable during transition, but inevitably, it brings along w/ it peace, joy, and a sense of refreshment and redemption.
i say these things, in part, to convince myself as i've been fighting against the waves of panic that i've been feeling when struck w/ the damning realization: "oh no. i CAN'T have a cigarette"--when encountering bullshit from a co-worker... or after a frustrating situation, the perfect meal, a long movie, or great work-out.

in the end, i'm feeling sick to death of feeling sick to death. i want to be healthy again. i want to engage in healthy activities, healthy relationships, and a healthy view of myself.
on these scores: i've been running, hiking, rafting, and rock-climbing this summer.
i've also been cutting down on all of the random drunken soirees (i just had my 2nd fabulous Saturday in a row, where i've just spent the whole day engaging in personal one-on-one time w/ good friends).
and, i've decided to non-literally "fuck men" until i meet someone decent. i've resigned to just deal w/ the annoying fall-out of unsatiated animal urges. i know i'm kinda pretty, have a decent head on my shoulders, and don't need man's opinion to sway the thoughts that i have about who i am.
i am a crazy-intense-opinionated-intelligent-loving-sometimes forlorn and damaged little girl. but i'm finding my way. and beginning to like who i am again. i am worth something and have forever-value beyond the above-mentioned.
i know that these are revelations that i have about once or twice a year, but they feel new every time i have them. i'm hitting 'reset'.

well, it's 2:30am on a late-Saturday and i'm home alone. happy. at peace. and sleepy.
g'nite World. i've got a lovely Sunday planned ahead of me.

back in Seoul

i am back in Korea and the new semester has begun.
i have to say, i was frightened and wearied about the prospect of teaching again.

2 weekends ago, i was in Chicago.
Praise's wedding: exciting and exhausting at the same time. i was running around like a madwoman, arranging things, politely barking orders, moving food, et cetera--all in a very short dress. at the after party, i was chagrined to hear that a number of people had caught sight of my fuchsia undies.
after the craziness of the wedding and reception, we rode in a limo to the Holiday Bar. the limo ride was super fun because i was sitting between one of my best friends and an ex. we toasted to the newlyweds, drinking beer from champagne glasses.
it was a helter-skelter evening of drinking, dancing, and flirting, and then somehow ended w/ me kissing my ex several times. this was bizarre--something that i had specifically been intending to avoid, but in the cacophony of the love-soaked evening, touching lips w/ him was nice.

b/c normalcy in our relationship was important to me, in emails the following week, i decided to ascertain that we were on the same page about the whole business. his somewhat dismissive but sweet response about 'kissing an old lover' made me grin. so, in the end, i was able to chalk it up to a pleasant experience: kissed by someone i care about, rather than one of the random flirtatious fools i was dancing w/. (i am actually moving out of this zone.)

anyway, i got back to my girlfriend's place at 2am, then stayed up till around 4am, packing and talking to the lovers of Belle Plaine. my best friend showed up after 3 hours of heavy, wine-soaked sleep, and then i boarded 2 planes and a bus that took me home to my apartment back in Seoul. it was a tortuous 22 hours of travel and when i arrived home at 8pm, i felt raw with exhaustion. and i was feeling anxious at the prospect of having to get up to start a new semester of classes, barely 10 hours later.

but as the semester began, the students were excited to see me and were engaged with me. i felt relieved and grateful for my job and that they were so interested in me and what i had to say. it's been a lovely 2 weeks back, tho i just quit smoking about 48 hours ago. urgh. but that's a whole other story...