decisions decisions

i may be a pig. in a cage. on antibiotics, but at least i'm trying to get healthy.

this is weekend #1 of my non-smoking life. for the rest of my life.
this isn't to say that i will never smoke another cigarette in my life--in fact, i am sure that i will. but i've gotten so sick of seeing my skin deteriorate, my energy level dip below what a 31 year old woman's should, and smelling like an ashtray after coming inside from my smoke breaks during monsoon season.

so many people have guffawed at me for "attempting" to quit smoking.
1st of all, that's a bullshit way to encourage someone who is trying to get healthy.
2nd: FUCK YOU. i'm doing it.
this has a lot to do w/ my resolve. there are plenty of times that i say that i'm going to do something, but deep (and not-so-deep) below, i'm not really certain that i'm set on doing those things. sometimes i wax and wane philosophical about my standards and ideals, but know that i'm not really prepared to make the changes that would be good for me.
BUT, when i'm absolutely resolved about an issue, i deal w/ the hell and high water that come w/ making that decision and then grit my teeth for the gut-wrenching ride.

SIGH.
such comes along w/ the drastic, life-changing choice to be a non-smoker.
shit. it's a choice that many make every day--and stick w/ it, i'm sure--but, true resolve against a very tasty and lusty habit is not only a discipline, it needs to be a shift in thinking--sometimes a moment-to-moment choice. often, this is not palatable during transition, but inevitably, it brings along w/ it peace, joy, and a sense of refreshment and redemption.
i say these things, in part, to convince myself as i've been fighting against the waves of panic that i've been feeling when struck w/ the damning realization: "oh no. i CAN'T have a cigarette"--when encountering bullshit from a co-worker... or after a frustrating situation, the perfect meal, a long movie, or great work-out.

in the end, i'm feeling sick to death of feeling sick to death. i want to be healthy again. i want to engage in healthy activities, healthy relationships, and a healthy view of myself.
on these scores: i've been running, hiking, rafting, and rock-climbing this summer.
i've also been cutting down on all of the random drunken soirees (i just had my 2nd fabulous Saturday in a row, where i've just spent the whole day engaging in personal one-on-one time w/ good friends).
and, i've decided to non-literally "fuck men" until i meet someone decent. i've resigned to just deal w/ the annoying fall-out of unsatiated animal urges. i know i'm kinda pretty, have a decent head on my shoulders, and don't need man's opinion to sway the thoughts that i have about who i am.
i am a crazy-intense-opinionated-intelligent-loving-sometimes forlorn and damaged little girl. but i'm finding my way. and beginning to like who i am again. i am worth something and have forever-value beyond the above-mentioned.
i know that these are revelations that i have about once or twice a year, but they feel new every time i have them. i'm hitting 'reset'.

well, it's 2:30am on a late-Saturday and i'm home alone. happy. at peace. and sleepy.
g'nite World. i've got a lovely Sunday planned ahead of me.