her name is April
i met her today
she's 62
i'm half her age
i shared
she shared
she's beautiful
she reminded me
i'm not alone
we're not alone
she fights like me
we fight together
she said some things--things that sound completely crazy
but i completely agreed
how can this happen?
how can these outlandish notions be so real for both of us?
we're separated by oceans
time
generations
colors and trees and culture and
the sun, it has blazed
over lifetimes
but our spirits touched
and we could both rely upon Knowing
we know that we'll meet
and laugh in giddiness
we'll hold hands
i'll kiss her cheek
we'll sing as we run
never out of breath
we'll race through the City
together
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Monday, August 3, 2009
redundant. trivialities.
convictions. why are they so fleeting?
you really can feel like you believe something--you may still bear the scars from the lesson you learned, but then you forget. or you fool yourself into thinking that maybe the conviction you felt was just not that big of a deal. you don't allow the conviction to take hold b/c you're so used to continuing along the grooves you've been ambling down. and then there's guilt about that, and often shame. the cycle perpetuates.
how do you change? how can you move forward into a brand new thing? the old way of doing things is your version of 'normal' and your body just moves in that direction b/c that's what feels natural. but you hurt yourself and often hurt people around you. and then sometimes you cry about it. sometimes you need to make apologies. sometimes you promise yourself that you won't put yourself through it all over again.
conviction.
a lie.
the same lie
over and over.
the same mistake
over and again
tears, conviction
but then, there it is again
the same lie
i need to believe that these trivialities won't continue to cycle. i need to trust that change is possible and that a hundred years from now, things will be different. the incremental steps forward--no matter how subtle, they mean something.
subtle steps at a one degree angle may look like nothing to some, but they can feel like miles to the one walking that way. no one may believe you--no one may be able to trust that your trajectory has shifted, but inevitably, these choices are personal and valuable.
i've got to keep stretching upwards, even if i don't look any taller.
you really can feel like you believe something--you may still bear the scars from the lesson you learned, but then you forget. or you fool yourself into thinking that maybe the conviction you felt was just not that big of a deal. you don't allow the conviction to take hold b/c you're so used to continuing along the grooves you've been ambling down. and then there's guilt about that, and often shame. the cycle perpetuates.
how do you change? how can you move forward into a brand new thing? the old way of doing things is your version of 'normal' and your body just moves in that direction b/c that's what feels natural. but you hurt yourself and often hurt people around you. and then sometimes you cry about it. sometimes you need to make apologies. sometimes you promise yourself that you won't put yourself through it all over again.
conviction.
a lie.
the same lie
over and over.
the same mistake
over and again
tears, conviction
but then, there it is again
the same lie
i need to believe that these trivialities won't continue to cycle. i need to trust that change is possible and that a hundred years from now, things will be different. the incremental steps forward--no matter how subtle, they mean something.
subtle steps at a one degree angle may look like nothing to some, but they can feel like miles to the one walking that way. no one may believe you--no one may be able to trust that your trajectory has shifted, but inevitably, these choices are personal and valuable.
i've got to keep stretching upwards, even if i don't look any taller.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
scattered thoughts on June the 9th, 2009
1:26am
damnit. i'm going to pay for this one. why am i starting this now? damnit. i think i'm doing the insomnia thing again. all the running around and travel had fooled my body into a normal circadian rhythm for about a month, but, ugh. i think that normalcy has come to an end.
tonight, i tried to read, but my mind just couldn't focus on the words. i decided i might try turning out the lights and closing my eyes and breathing deeply and letting my mind wander... but thoughts kept on enveloping me. all of these scenarios about what the next 6 months could end up looking like--where i might be in a year. is it insane that i have a hard time enjoying just *being* today?
but, i feel that i've been lazing around for the past 6 months. well, "lazing" isn't a fair estimation. i've grown and healed and developed a renewed sense of myself. i've walked w/ the Lord in a sweet and different way. i've gotten back in touch w/ who i am and who i am not--though, this is surely going to be a lifelong journey. my pulse has begun feeling more matched to the beat of Seoul, but, i'm spinning around in my summer flip flops wondering: 'what am i doing here? and what is next?'
i'm always concerned about time. i hate inefficiency like a lot of my fellow 'Perfect-Mes', though this manifests very differently for each one of us insaniees. i know it's not reasonable, but i like to know 'what the point' is. i'm sure that sounds incredibly dull and leaves no room for sponteneity or mess, but maybe i really am just boring as hell?
in my world, i feel fine w/ fluttering along aimlessly for a while, just for the sake of feeling the gentle Summer whispers on my skin or the touch of someone's lips or the hard cement under rubber soles. haphazard wandering and experience is amazing for some seasons--maybe a wonderful part of every season, but in the eventual eventualities of it all, i'd like to be able to have a cup of coffee w/ a beloved one and be able to make any kind of sense out of it.
obviously, sometimes you can't explain every messy or beautiful instance but, still... i want to be able to reflect on what it is that happened, or happens, or is happening right now.
a friend said something very encouraging to me last week that i'm trying to hold in my heart. as i was deliberating on a less formulated version of the above, she said:
"Mary, i feel like you're going to have such an amazing life"
how narcissistic is it that this is what encourages me and that i want to hold tightly onto this idea? but already, i feel that the life i've lived to date has already been incredibly chaotic and amazing and bright and dark and an overwhelming flood of events. but the road ahead is full of shifting shadows and the idea of venturing forward, as alone as i feel sometimes, is scary.
being w/ someone in general and in my case, for almost a decade, provided a fictious, though protective film of comfort. as long as it was his hand that held mine while we stumbled into the junkyard of life, the rusty twisted metal and the sharp edges could be admired, rather than feel so dangerous. now i'm worrying about tetanus shots or tripping into a rotating blade or just feeling bored in a Swiss city, population 3,000.
i just don't want to waste my time, my life. i know i know: "none of it's a waste", but my mind doesn't always work that way when contemplating the present and the future. i can always describe the fruits of the past, but sometimes i didn't actually taste them. this is unfortunate. yes. but the aftertaste isn't always so bad.
this would be easier for me if i had a home base. so when things get too confusing and life just feels like it's too much, that i could just say fuck it all and buy the next plane ticket. home.
i guess i can always skype. and email. and gchat.
maybe this 'amazing life' will be so b/c i don't have a home base. that the adventures i embark upon and the opportunities that get put in front of me will be in part b/c i don't have that precious safety net.
i can't picture myself being an 80 year old lady anywhere in the world. or even a 40 year old one. there's nothing that *i* want. this could be all backlash and reactionary railing against the status quo prison i found myself in for the past few years.
truly truly, i feel like i'm regressing back. when i was younger, i didn't want to be committed to anyone or any one thing when i was younger. i commited and it disastrously failed.
so now i'm really trying to figure out: well, what is it that i really want? i mean, hell!--that could fall apart too, but at least that would be a conscious life decision that i made, right? and i suppose i could cry and cry and then write about it all.
i'm flooded w/ the lust to just go go go and see and taste and feel and gasp and exploding scream at the top of a snow capped hike.
phew. 2:29am. i'm never going to get to sleep tonight.
damnit. i'm going to pay for this one. why am i starting this now? damnit. i think i'm doing the insomnia thing again. all the running around and travel had fooled my body into a normal circadian rhythm for about a month, but, ugh. i think that normalcy has come to an end.
tonight, i tried to read, but my mind just couldn't focus on the words. i decided i might try turning out the lights and closing my eyes and breathing deeply and letting my mind wander... but thoughts kept on enveloping me. all of these scenarios about what the next 6 months could end up looking like--where i might be in a year. is it insane that i have a hard time enjoying just *being* today?
but, i feel that i've been lazing around for the past 6 months. well, "lazing" isn't a fair estimation. i've grown and healed and developed a renewed sense of myself. i've walked w/ the Lord in a sweet and different way. i've gotten back in touch w/ who i am and who i am not--though, this is surely going to be a lifelong journey. my pulse has begun feeling more matched to the beat of Seoul, but, i'm spinning around in my summer flip flops wondering: 'what am i doing here? and what is next?'
i'm always concerned about time. i hate inefficiency like a lot of my fellow 'Perfect-Mes', though this manifests very differently for each one of us insaniees. i know it's not reasonable, but i like to know 'what the point' is. i'm sure that sounds incredibly dull and leaves no room for sponteneity or mess, but maybe i really am just boring as hell?
in my world, i feel fine w/ fluttering along aimlessly for a while, just for the sake of feeling the gentle Summer whispers on my skin or the touch of someone's lips or the hard cement under rubber soles. haphazard wandering and experience is amazing for some seasons--maybe a wonderful part of every season, but in the eventual eventualities of it all, i'd like to be able to have a cup of coffee w/ a beloved one and be able to make any kind of sense out of it.
obviously, sometimes you can't explain every messy or beautiful instance but, still... i want to be able to reflect on what it is that happened, or happens, or is happening right now.
a friend said something very encouraging to me last week that i'm trying to hold in my heart. as i was deliberating on a less formulated version of the above, she said:
"Mary, i feel like you're going to have such an amazing life"
how narcissistic is it that this is what encourages me and that i want to hold tightly onto this idea? but already, i feel that the life i've lived to date has already been incredibly chaotic and amazing and bright and dark and an overwhelming flood of events. but the road ahead is full of shifting shadows and the idea of venturing forward, as alone as i feel sometimes, is scary.
being w/ someone in general and in my case, for almost a decade, provided a fictious, though protective film of comfort. as long as it was his hand that held mine while we stumbled into the junkyard of life, the rusty twisted metal and the sharp edges could be admired, rather than feel so dangerous. now i'm worrying about tetanus shots or tripping into a rotating blade or just feeling bored in a Swiss city, population 3,000.
i just don't want to waste my time, my life. i know i know: "none of it's a waste", but my mind doesn't always work that way when contemplating the present and the future. i can always describe the fruits of the past, but sometimes i didn't actually taste them. this is unfortunate. yes. but the aftertaste isn't always so bad.
this would be easier for me if i had a home base. so when things get too confusing and life just feels like it's too much, that i could just say fuck it all and buy the next plane ticket. home.
i guess i can always skype. and email. and gchat.
maybe this 'amazing life' will be so b/c i don't have a home base. that the adventures i embark upon and the opportunities that get put in front of me will be in part b/c i don't have that precious safety net.
i can't picture myself being an 80 year old lady anywhere in the world. or even a 40 year old one. there's nothing that *i* want. this could be all backlash and reactionary railing against the status quo prison i found myself in for the past few years.
truly truly, i feel like i'm regressing back. when i was younger, i didn't want to be committed to anyone or any one thing when i was younger. i commited and it disastrously failed.
so now i'm really trying to figure out: well, what is it that i really want? i mean, hell!--that could fall apart too, but at least that would be a conscious life decision that i made, right? and i suppose i could cry and cry and then write about it all.
i'm flooded w/ the lust to just go go go and see and taste and feel and gasp and exploding scream at the top of a snow capped hike.
phew. 2:29am. i'm never going to get to sleep tonight.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
these crazy relationships
talked to my folk last night. there was such a comfort in hearing their voices--knowing that there were people in this world that care deeply about me, beyond conventional care and concern. those deep deep bonds that i share w/ my close friends are amazing as well, but family... there's something special about them, no?
my family--they've stuck w/ me, irrespective of how crazy i've been and despite what worldly anything i could offer them. in this life, i know i have frustrated them to no end (and they i) and have made them want to tear their hair out.
there's always been a disconnect. their crazy Korean conventions. their high-minded Christian ideals. the absurd generational differences. i got pretty damn good at pointing out their fallacious thinking and hypocritical behavior at times. i've raised my voice to piercing decibels at them.
how awful. but i have also been brought to the brink w/ enraged words that were quickly regretted, but never forgotten. i am old enough now to feel ashamed about how i have contributed to my family's dysfunction. but i know that they love me through all of this. i know i'm lucky to have a family like mine.
though my family is scattered across the planet, they're out there thinking of me. this makes me a little less anxious about the world.
my brothers often find me online knowing when i'll be on. sometimes they just bounce life news my way or ask me for advice. it's strange that they trust my judgment considering all of the horrendous mistakes i've made. but they know i'll give it to them straight. it's amazing that they have enough background about what's important to me *today*, and they make specific inquiries about those things.
my little brother often hails me w/ a "hi noona!", which endears the hell out of me.
he spent some time admonishing me about the direction i was going to take at a certain fork in the road. my plan was to take the more controversial path, and i could see him getting alarmed while still typing agitated words of love at me.
Peter. we know what we know and we generally agree on this issue, but i'm still probably not going to make the same choices you would.
"Noona. why would you do something you know isn't right for you?"
i don't know that it's not right. God's been talking to me differently these days. things are a bit more nebulous...
"c'mon. you have a pretty good idea."
meh. dunno... but... you'll still love me when it all blows up in my face, right? and not get into all the 'i told you so's'?
"of course!"
hee hee. my 동생.
"love you"
every morning, my parents rise while God purples the Arizona horizon and they climb up to a high point on a hillside to pray. they pray about a lot of different things, but i know i'm daily included.
because of this, i've taken to abject honesty about most elements my life. this is to the point where they'll avoid certain topics or change the subject if the content of my updates are a little too much for them. some of my friends are bewildered at my high level of disclosure, but i figure that if my parents are interceding for me, they should know what's going on.
my parents might have their insane qualities, but they are amazing people. i can't understand the depth of their love for people and for their three little ones. there really is a sense of stability in knowing that as the sun rises over the Arizona valleys and mountains, their voices are reaching the heavens.
i really don't know where life is going. a few years ago, i had all kinds of seemingly impossible fantasies about country hopping w/ a backpack. today, this has become a very tenable possibility, and i have to bite my lip in anxiety at this prospect. for about the past 2 weeks, i've been praying about direction and guidance for my life's path, now that my close friends are beginning to make plans to leave Korea and this chapter of my life. i pray, knowing that God will answer me at some point--but not until He knows that i'm damn well ready to be informed of His plans.
today, i randomly searched and have found there are a few ideal jobs (career-wise) in Egypt, Germany, and Saudi Arabia. (and California, but i don't want anything to do w/ the States right now.) it is surreal that i am even naming these countries as places that i might go to live. i really didn't expect any kind of answer from God so soon. i know, i know. this might not be some kind of divine answer, but i don't think these things are random.
i worry about loneliness in yet another foreign land, and i prayed about this as well. His answer for this came pretty quickly, and not in the form i expected. i've been dragging my feet w/ reading the Bible for the past few months--the proverbial "desert" i've heard too many sermons about. but this past week, i really felt like i should start "In the beginning" again.
and something has shifted in me. i've been falling into peaceful deep deep sleep as i've devoured most of Genesis. i can feel something different and alive coursing quietly through.
it seems that i need to learn this lesson from my Creator every few months, but it's rich and enervating every time.
He was telling me that He's still here. w/ me. wherever i go. that He affectionately loves the hell out of me. and that there *is* a Plan for my life. i feel like i can hear His warm laughter even as type these words. i am loved. i am blessed.
and i'm laughing a little w/ Him.
my family--they've stuck w/ me, irrespective of how crazy i've been and despite what worldly anything i could offer them. in this life, i know i have frustrated them to no end (and they i) and have made them want to tear their hair out.
there's always been a disconnect. their crazy Korean conventions. their high-minded Christian ideals. the absurd generational differences. i got pretty damn good at pointing out their fallacious thinking and hypocritical behavior at times. i've raised my voice to piercing decibels at them.
how awful. but i have also been brought to the brink w/ enraged words that were quickly regretted, but never forgotten. i am old enough now to feel ashamed about how i have contributed to my family's dysfunction. but i know that they love me through all of this. i know i'm lucky to have a family like mine.
though my family is scattered across the planet, they're out there thinking of me. this makes me a little less anxious about the world.
my brothers often find me online knowing when i'll be on. sometimes they just bounce life news my way or ask me for advice. it's strange that they trust my judgment considering all of the horrendous mistakes i've made. but they know i'll give it to them straight. it's amazing that they have enough background about what's important to me *today*, and they make specific inquiries about those things.
my little brother often hails me w/ a "hi noona!", which endears the hell out of me.
he spent some time admonishing me about the direction i was going to take at a certain fork in the road. my plan was to take the more controversial path, and i could see him getting alarmed while still typing agitated words of love at me.
Peter. we know what we know and we generally agree on this issue, but i'm still probably not going to make the same choices you would.
"Noona. why would you do something you know isn't right for you?"
i don't know that it's not right. God's been talking to me differently these days. things are a bit more nebulous...
"c'mon. you have a pretty good idea."
meh. dunno... but... you'll still love me when it all blows up in my face, right? and not get into all the 'i told you so's'?
"of course!"
hee hee. my 동생.
"love you"
every morning, my parents rise while God purples the Arizona horizon and they climb up to a high point on a hillside to pray. they pray about a lot of different things, but i know i'm daily included.
because of this, i've taken to abject honesty about most elements my life. this is to the point where they'll avoid certain topics or change the subject if the content of my updates are a little too much for them. some of my friends are bewildered at my high level of disclosure, but i figure that if my parents are interceding for me, they should know what's going on.
my parents might have their insane qualities, but they are amazing people. i can't understand the depth of their love for people and for their three little ones. there really is a sense of stability in knowing that as the sun rises over the Arizona valleys and mountains, their voices are reaching the heavens.
i really don't know where life is going. a few years ago, i had all kinds of seemingly impossible fantasies about country hopping w/ a backpack. today, this has become a very tenable possibility, and i have to bite my lip in anxiety at this prospect. for about the past 2 weeks, i've been praying about direction and guidance for my life's path, now that my close friends are beginning to make plans to leave Korea and this chapter of my life. i pray, knowing that God will answer me at some point--but not until He knows that i'm damn well ready to be informed of His plans.
today, i randomly searched and have found there are a few ideal jobs (career-wise) in Egypt, Germany, and Saudi Arabia. (and California, but i don't want anything to do w/ the States right now.) it is surreal that i am even naming these countries as places that i might go to live. i really didn't expect any kind of answer from God so soon. i know, i know. this might not be some kind of divine answer, but i don't think these things are random.
i worry about loneliness in yet another foreign land, and i prayed about this as well. His answer for this came pretty quickly, and not in the form i expected. i've been dragging my feet w/ reading the Bible for the past few months--the proverbial "desert" i've heard too many sermons about. but this past week, i really felt like i should start "In the beginning" again.
and something has shifted in me. i've been falling into peaceful deep deep sleep as i've devoured most of Genesis. i can feel something different and alive coursing quietly through.
it seems that i need to learn this lesson from my Creator every few months, but it's rich and enervating every time.
He was telling me that He's still here. w/ me. wherever i go. that He affectionately loves the hell out of me. and that there *is* a Plan for my life. i feel like i can hear His warm laughter even as type these words. i am loved. i am blessed.
and i'm laughing a little w/ Him.
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