well, i've thrown myself from the wagon at the advent of my Chicago girlfriend coming into Seoul. she now sleeps next to me on this (her last) night in town. it might have been stupid for me to forfeit my choice of "clean living" during her sojourn here, but at the same time, i'm a realist and i'm working towards a sustainable lifestyle--and not just one of austere "purity".
i feel messed up though. this week, i eschewed all of the healthy behavior i had committed myself to and i am left feeling a little empty, now that all of my lusts have been indulged in. my girlfriend knew that i had made these commitments--moreover, she attempted to curtail my behavior--but, that is nonsense.
i mean: what is an indulgence if you only go 1/2-way? if i'm going to indulge, i'm going to fully enjoy the experience. [maybe this is why i need to fully stop indulging.]
additionally, i do not do or not do anything for someone else. i make decisions for me. otherwise, the choices don't stick because they aren't significant to ME. duh.
anyway, i kinda knew it would come down to this again. i'm kinda glad i had a chance to wildly run around in this dirty playground again because it reminded me how fruitless it is to play on all of this rusting equipment.
frankly: the idea of doing another cleanse this week gives me a headache, but i know i should do it. i need to refocus and recenter myself. i need to get back to the heart of what i want my life to be about. i can't be there if i'm feeling unhealthy and/or out of control.
there is something beautiful that happens when you deny yourself something you want. often, what you are denying yourself has some delicious aspect of unhealthy (which makes the self-denial worth anything to begin with).
also, through the slight panicky moments of desire, there is a strange sense peace that you experience as you realize that you ARE the master of your lusts.
you CAN be strong.
you can be BRAVE.
YOU can do things that are hard.
your state of being can be BETTER than before.
it might be stupid to be so dramatic about denying myself certain foods and a few other indulgences this week--but this is part of a spiritual journey for me. outside of the foods, this week, i'm going to workout everyday, start a painting i have in mind, daily practice my uke, and read a few chapters of a few books.
all of that might sound a little ambitious, i know--but in my state of weary, it actually makes me hope and feel excited for some of that Rest i've been craving.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Sunday, October 10, 2010
inked for the 7th time
i now have a fairly substantial back piece covering about a 1/3 of my back.
the 2.5 hour experience was intense, and i still have to go back to get the color filled in. EJ (my tattoo artist) and i conferenced extensively about her proposed designs before she finally set up the needles and the ink.
the tension built in my muscles as i waited for the process to begin. i knew it would not be pleasant. when i lay facedown onto the tattoo bed, i took a few deep breaths to calm/prepare myself for the pain.
EJ smirked, "you ready?"
i groaned and gave her a sad face, "i'm never ready."
she buzzed the ink gun at me a few times, "ok. well, i'm starting."
as the needle began puncturing the skin of my lower back, it was almost a relief. EJ is a perfectionist and a great artist. she pressed the needle in carefully so it wasn't *so* bad for about the first 1/2 hour. however, when she began working on the shading on my side, the pain suddenly spiked.
"oh Mary," EJ paused in her work when a little squeak escaped my throat, "this part is probably really sensitive, isn't it?"
i took a deep breath, "yes. 갑짜기 신각헤졋어." (literal translation: 'it suddenly got serious').
she laughed kindly, "well, i don't want to make things too hard for you. so, now that i've started on this part, i should do this all in one pass... do you think you can handle it?"
i nodded and laughed helplessly, "the way that i see it, i figure that i'll have this ink in my skin for life... feeling this sharp, intense pain seems right to me."
"i agree," she smiled, "ok... get ready..."
the next 45 minutes was excruciating as she pulled burning fishhooks through my skin. internally, i squirmed and screamed. i felt trapped. tortured. i wanted to push her the fuck off of me and run. but i held my breath and grit my teeth.
getting this tattoo was pretty spontaneous, but it wasn't at random. i've recently been feeling quite refreshed and happy in life. i've quit smoking, drinking, and staying out until the early morning hours (for now). i'm sure these factors play a major role in moving me into this good place. i don't feel any compusion to be at this or that party anymore. i just don't feel like i'm missing out. i'm investing in my closer friends, i'm getting involved in fruitful activities, i'm exercising regularly, and i'm eating healthy.
i feel fabulous.
i'm also done with random sexual encounters. not that i've had that many, but 2010 had a string of months where i succumbed to my lusty appetites whenever i was in the mood. all i needed was a decent-looking guy who was confident enough to flirt and proposition me to a casual introduction to his penis.
sure, there was a temporal pleasure i experienced (sometimes) while getting naked and sweaty with him or him or what's-his-name, but i either felt disgusted with myself or some shade of dark the following day. i got stuck in that pattern for several months, despite those dark feelings.
so, as i gritted my teeth against the searing, raking of needle against my skin, i blasted the tribal beats of one of my favorite bands into my ears and reflected on why i was putting myself through this pain...
it is for the pleasure of Life.
for the fact that--even though it took me a while to get here, i am here.
it is for the purpose of permanently marking myself and my commitment to this: the act of trying to be the best of exactly who i am with my bizarre brains. this is what God intended, sometime before the dinosaurs were duking it out.
He's always wanted ME to break free. to fully be who i am. He's always been drawing me out, sometimes whispering, sometimes yelling--agape love and unconditional acceptance.
i've always heard these messages, but never received them--throughout my sheltered youth, my sometimes troubled drugged/drunken adolescence and adulthood, my angsty married years, and the past two years in my post-divorce playground.
this history--my history, may describe me, but it doesn't define me. i sometimes get so wrapped up in my failures and Flaws that i forget that i am inherently valuable. to Someone.
SO, here's the ridiculously obvious conclusion: i don't need to be anything or anybody. i can simply be Myself. somehow, that is good enough. and *that* is lovely.
thus, the form of my 7th tattoo:
i chose the main subject to be flora, because it is living and organic. towards the base of the piece (which, ironically is the highest point of the tatt) is the symbol for love. along the branches are the symbols for joy and peace among cherry blossoms.
to be honest, the cherry blossoms weren't exactly *my* idea, but EJ really thought they would look good in the design, so i consented. afterall, i figured that getting a tattoo is a dynamic, artistic process for both artist and canvas.
why love, joy, and peace?
a few weeks ago, i asked a guy i just met: "what do you want to be when you grow up?" he expounded upon his future plans at some length. his ideas were somewhat specific and elaborated. what struck me was that he was able to name things; he seemed pretty clear about what direction he would *like* for his path to take.
though he never reflected the question back to me, i still thought about how i am very unsure about what the future will bring. moreover, i do not have any concrete idea about what i would like it to bring.
but, i still know what i want to be when i grow up.
i want to be someone who really loves people. i want my life and my actions to be reflective of Love. i also want to be a person who regularly experiences joy and peace. those kinds that are Real. those secret kinds that are not reliant upon purpose or possessions or circumstance.
these are the pretensions that got me through the waves of panic that hit me while EJ pressed that blazing, inky needle to my side.
the 2.5 hour experience was intense, and i still have to go back to get the color filled in. EJ (my tattoo artist) and i conferenced extensively about her proposed designs before she finally set up the needles and the ink.
the tension built in my muscles as i waited for the process to begin. i knew it would not be pleasant. when i lay facedown onto the tattoo bed, i took a few deep breaths to calm/prepare myself for the pain.
EJ smirked, "you ready?"
i groaned and gave her a sad face, "i'm never ready."
she buzzed the ink gun at me a few times, "ok. well, i'm starting."
as the needle began puncturing the skin of my lower back, it was almost a relief. EJ is a perfectionist and a great artist. she pressed the needle in carefully so it wasn't *so* bad for about the first 1/2 hour. however, when she began working on the shading on my side, the pain suddenly spiked.
"oh Mary," EJ paused in her work when a little squeak escaped my throat, "this part is probably really sensitive, isn't it?"
i took a deep breath, "yes. 갑짜기 신각헤졋어." (literal translation: 'it suddenly got serious').
she laughed kindly, "well, i don't want to make things too hard for you. so, now that i've started on this part, i should do this all in one pass... do you think you can handle it?"
i nodded and laughed helplessly, "the way that i see it, i figure that i'll have this ink in my skin for life... feeling this sharp, intense pain seems right to me."
"i agree," she smiled, "ok... get ready..."
the next 45 minutes was excruciating as she pulled burning fishhooks through my skin. internally, i squirmed and screamed. i felt trapped. tortured. i wanted to push her the fuck off of me and run. but i held my breath and grit my teeth.
getting this tattoo was pretty spontaneous, but it wasn't at random. i've recently been feeling quite refreshed and happy in life. i've quit smoking, drinking, and staying out until the early morning hours (for now). i'm sure these factors play a major role in moving me into this good place. i don't feel any compusion to be at this or that party anymore. i just don't feel like i'm missing out. i'm investing in my closer friends, i'm getting involved in fruitful activities, i'm exercising regularly, and i'm eating healthy.
i feel fabulous.
i'm also done with random sexual encounters. not that i've had that many, but 2010 had a string of months where i succumbed to my lusty appetites whenever i was in the mood. all i needed was a decent-looking guy who was confident enough to flirt and proposition me to a casual introduction to his penis.
sure, there was a temporal pleasure i experienced (sometimes) while getting naked and sweaty with him or him or what's-his-name, but i either felt disgusted with myself or some shade of dark the following day. i got stuck in that pattern for several months, despite those dark feelings.
so, as i gritted my teeth against the searing, raking of needle against my skin, i blasted the tribal beats of one of my favorite bands into my ears and reflected on why i was putting myself through this pain...
it is for the pleasure of Life.
for the fact that--even though it took me a while to get here, i am here.
it is for the purpose of permanently marking myself and my commitment to this: the act of trying to be the best of exactly who i am with my bizarre brains. this is what God intended, sometime before the dinosaurs were duking it out.
He's always wanted ME to break free. to fully be who i am. He's always been drawing me out, sometimes whispering, sometimes yelling--agape love and unconditional acceptance.
i've always heard these messages, but never received them--throughout my sheltered youth, my sometimes troubled drugged/drunken adolescence and adulthood, my angsty married years, and the past two years in my post-divorce playground.
this history--my history, may describe me, but it doesn't define me. i sometimes get so wrapped up in my failures and Flaws that i forget that i am inherently valuable. to Someone.
SO, here's the ridiculously obvious conclusion: i don't need to be anything or anybody. i can simply be Myself. somehow, that is good enough. and *that* is lovely.
thus, the form of my 7th tattoo:
i chose the main subject to be flora, because it is living and organic. towards the base of the piece (which, ironically is the highest point of the tatt) is the symbol for love. along the branches are the symbols for joy and peace among cherry blossoms.
to be honest, the cherry blossoms weren't exactly *my* idea, but EJ really thought they would look good in the design, so i consented. afterall, i figured that getting a tattoo is a dynamic, artistic process for both artist and canvas.
why love, joy, and peace?
a few weeks ago, i asked a guy i just met: "what do you want to be when you grow up?" he expounded upon his future plans at some length. his ideas were somewhat specific and elaborated. what struck me was that he was able to name things; he seemed pretty clear about what direction he would *like* for his path to take.
though he never reflected the question back to me, i still thought about how i am very unsure about what the future will bring. moreover, i do not have any concrete idea about what i would like it to bring.
but, i still know what i want to be when i grow up.
i want to be someone who really loves people. i want my life and my actions to be reflective of Love. i also want to be a person who regularly experiences joy and peace. those kinds that are Real. those secret kinds that are not reliant upon purpose or possessions or circumstance.
these are the pretensions that got me through the waves of panic that hit me while EJ pressed that blazing, inky needle to my side.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Monday mania and the Korean man
another day, another round.
i was awoken to my phone ringing. i dazedly looked at the name and thought, "Melissa? who the hell is Melissa?"
"hello?"
"Mary?" said an anxious voice.
"yes?"
"Mary, where are you?"
i squinted at the clock and groggily tried to tap into the voice recognition portion of my brain, "i'm at home." and then it dawned on me. MELISSA. oh shit. it's MONDAY! i sat up and shook the cobwebs loose from my synapses.
"Mary, are you sick?"
"no, no! i'm not sick. i just didn't hear my alarm. i'll be at work as soon as possible."
she sounded nervous, "the vice principal was asking about you."
*that* was ominous.
it's mid-terms week, and actually, there is no real reason for me to be at work, sans the Korean work culture that lends to the notion that one's physical *presence* in the office is important. i smirked as i made my bed and sauntered into my bathroom. i hoped that i wasn't in too much trouble, but i dunno--i've been fighting the indifference that seems to come with this SMOE job.
the school itself has minimized the importance of the work that i do, and though i put in all of my efforts while in the classroom, outside of the classroom, i have just done my best to keep my head bowed and my eyes trained on my computer screen.
i don't listen to the announcements during the teachers' meetings anymore--not because i'm lazy or do not care--it's because i only understand about 80% of what is going on. that last 20% of comprehension is crucial to actually receiving a message, so i've taken to writing or reading or checking my email during that time.
well this morning, i got to the office about 45 minutes late, and i made a bee-line for the VP's desk. i was a little surprised at how it went down. Korean office politics severely highlights my problem with the Korean man.
my VP's voice was unnecessarily loud and boomed through the teachers room, "you didn't have class yesterday. you didn't have tests yesterday. why were you late today?" i cringed because i could sense that the entire staff was waiting for my response.
"yes. i'm really really sorry--"
"you're really very sorry?" he chuckled mockingly--imitating my bad Korean grammar.
i grit my teeth, but kept my voice in a submissive half-curtsy, "yes, i just didn't hear my alarm this morning."
"no? why not? why did you go to bed late?" is that your business?
"well, i was volunteering."
"what do you mean?" he leaned forward. a glimmer of curiosity interrupted his gleeful spanking.
"i do volunteer work on Sundays."
"tell me about this. what kind of volunteer work?" his voice shifted down to a normal volume.
"i go to Seoul Station with some friends--you know how there are a lot of homeless people there?"
he nodded slowly, "yes--there are many homeless people in that area."
i folded my hands in front of me,"my friends and i buy food and then distribute it until late at night."
the VP gave me a penetrating look, "and so that's what you did last night?"
i tried not to roll my eyes, "yes. i was very busy yesterday."
he leaned back in his chair. i could see that he was trying to decide whether/not he was done toying with me.
he was.
i returned to my desk.
however, all day, i had people coming up to me asking me if i was "ok". it was a little confusing. about half-way through the day, i discovered that at precisely 8:13am, the VP made a huge racket throughout the teacher's office about my absence. he ran up to Melissa and loudly questioned her about where i was, as if i were intentionally taking advantage of the system. he made sure that all of the employees could hear him.
the teachers who knew me felt compelled to ask what had happened because the VP had made such a scene about it. when i realized what a production was made out of my tardiness, i was a little embarrassed--but, actually more amused than anything.
i know i'm probably pointing this gun at my own foot, but this Korean 눈치 ("noon-chi") bullshit is just not working for me. and i think it's ridiculous for the Koreans to expect for me to *get it* when they themselves don't even get it.
the VP has been hinting that he wants me to be the editor-in-chief of the high school's English newspaper (ermm. who's going to read this?) but he hasn't clearly stated what he expects of me.
it's funny because when he alludes to tasks like translating pages of complex Korean into English, i giggle and cock my head to the side and politely explain the limitations of my linguistic abilities--MUCH to his exasperation. he's getting a little pissed that i'm not just DOING what he wants, no matter what the sacrifice (like his other employees). BUT i am not his bitch. he's not my boss--the Korean government is.
i know this is obnoxious to say, but despite my Korean face, i'm an American. i'm not going to guess what he wants. that shit's confusing.
so, here i am: wide-eyed innocence and fast, precise articulation in English. he gives up eventually, in frustration.
*giggles*
bang BANG! ouch! that's my foot!
i was awoken to my phone ringing. i dazedly looked at the name and thought, "Melissa? who the hell is Melissa?"
"hello?"
"Mary?" said an anxious voice.
"yes?"
"Mary, where are you?"
i squinted at the clock and groggily tried to tap into the voice recognition portion of my brain, "i'm at home." and then it dawned on me. MELISSA. oh shit. it's MONDAY! i sat up and shook the cobwebs loose from my synapses.
"Mary, are you sick?"
"no, no! i'm not sick. i just didn't hear my alarm. i'll be at work as soon as possible."
she sounded nervous, "the vice principal was asking about you."
*that* was ominous.
it's mid-terms week, and actually, there is no real reason for me to be at work, sans the Korean work culture that lends to the notion that one's physical *presence* in the office is important. i smirked as i made my bed and sauntered into my bathroom. i hoped that i wasn't in too much trouble, but i dunno--i've been fighting the indifference that seems to come with this SMOE job.
the school itself has minimized the importance of the work that i do, and though i put in all of my efforts while in the classroom, outside of the classroom, i have just done my best to keep my head bowed and my eyes trained on my computer screen.
i don't listen to the announcements during the teachers' meetings anymore--not because i'm lazy or do not care--it's because i only understand about 80% of what is going on. that last 20% of comprehension is crucial to actually receiving a message, so i've taken to writing or reading or checking my email during that time.
well this morning, i got to the office about 45 minutes late, and i made a bee-line for the VP's desk. i was a little surprised at how it went down. Korean office politics severely highlights my problem with the Korean man.
my VP's voice was unnecessarily loud and boomed through the teachers room, "you didn't have class yesterday. you didn't have tests yesterday. why were you late today?" i cringed because i could sense that the entire staff was waiting for my response.
"yes. i'm really really sorry--"
"you're really very sorry?" he chuckled mockingly--imitating my bad Korean grammar.
i grit my teeth, but kept my voice in a submissive half-curtsy, "yes, i just didn't hear my alarm this morning."
"no? why not? why did you go to bed late?" is that your business?
"well, i was volunteering."
"what do you mean?" he leaned forward. a glimmer of curiosity interrupted his gleeful spanking.
"i do volunteer work on Sundays."
"tell me about this. what kind of volunteer work?" his voice shifted down to a normal volume.
"i go to Seoul Station with some friends--you know how there are a lot of homeless people there?"
he nodded slowly, "yes--there are many homeless people in that area."
i folded my hands in front of me,"my friends and i buy food and then distribute it until late at night."
the VP gave me a penetrating look, "and so that's what you did last night?"
i tried not to roll my eyes, "yes. i was very busy yesterday."
he leaned back in his chair. i could see that he was trying to decide whether/not he was done toying with me.
he was.
i returned to my desk.
however, all day, i had people coming up to me asking me if i was "ok". it was a little confusing. about half-way through the day, i discovered that at precisely 8:13am, the VP made a huge racket throughout the teacher's office about my absence. he ran up to Melissa and loudly questioned her about where i was, as if i were intentionally taking advantage of the system. he made sure that all of the employees could hear him.
the teachers who knew me felt compelled to ask what had happened because the VP had made such a scene about it. when i realized what a production was made out of my tardiness, i was a little embarrassed--but, actually more amused than anything.
i know i'm probably pointing this gun at my own foot, but this Korean 눈치 ("noon-chi") bullshit is just not working for me. and i think it's ridiculous for the Koreans to expect for me to *get it* when they themselves don't even get it.
the VP has been hinting that he wants me to be the editor-in-chief of the high school's English newspaper (ermm. who's going to read this?) but he hasn't clearly stated what he expects of me.
it's funny because when he alludes to tasks like translating pages of complex Korean into English, i giggle and cock my head to the side and politely explain the limitations of my linguistic abilities--MUCH to his exasperation. he's getting a little pissed that i'm not just DOING what he wants, no matter what the sacrifice (like his other employees). BUT i am not his bitch. he's not my boss--the Korean government is.
i know this is obnoxious to say, but despite my Korean face, i'm an American. i'm not going to guess what he wants. that shit's confusing.
so, here i am: wide-eyed innocence and fast, precise articulation in English. he gives up eventually, in frustration.
*giggles*
bang BANG! ouch! that's my foot!
happy
i'm in the middle of writing a quick itinerary of my comings and going in Japan, but i had to pause instead and write:
i'm extremely happy right now.
life is so good. phew! i can't remember feeling *this* happy and optimistic about my journey.
i know i feel this good b/c this isn't just a 'high' that'll fade. and hey--i'm realistic. life'll definitely bring me things that'll make me cringe and cry. inevitably, life is full of intense pain and well--shit happens to everyone. but i'm actively talking to God again--and He's doing something mysterious in my insides.
i am experiencing an impossible feeling. there is no other way to describe it.
let me put this into some context.
the phrase: "relationship with God" is such an overused phrase that it has lost meaning. and honestly, it sometimes sounds like something a crazy, over-spiritualized, self-righteous Bible bangin' jerk would be haranguing about. but hell, i must speak of this--and i suppose you could call me one of those jerks.
i'm not going to be as arrogant to say that i've figured out what a "relationship with God" is, but i feel like i've suddenly found myself in a place where i'm experiencing it.
for many years i was lost in the land of the "do's" and "don'ts".
this wasn't it.
then, for a while, i was lost in the opposing jungle of eschewing all of the rules. i figured, if God loves me with an agape love, my actions ("good" or "bad") were unimportant.
this also, wasn't it.
finally, i have found myself in a place where i'm not thinking about any of that stuff, and i'm simply focused upon just getting to know Him. i've been trying to live inside this framework for the past few months--just doing my best to talk to God. i've been trying to *really* love people and learn what it means to be content.
somehow, this has spontaneously lead me into falling in step w/ the "do's" and "don'ts"--(BIZARRE!) i have not been trying to be *good*, but suddenly i find myself naturally being *good*.
I KNOW: the idea of "GOODness" is a very confusing and controversial concept--but it IS there. it floats around dynamically, nebulously--but it is a real thing. i would contend that most people--irrespective of belief system--can see and feel what "good" is, even if they cannot define it. even if they don't know where it comes from.
i have been startled by these random avalanches of joy. i know it sounds like hyperbole--but WOW--i have rediscovered the secret again, and it feels amazing.
i know that there is a plan for my life, and it's a good one. and it will make me happy. God likes me to be happy.
i know that there is a purpose for my existence on this planet, even though i'm not sure what it is. i'll figure it out at the right time.
and i know that whichever direction i go in these worn sneakers, God is holding my hand, walking with me. it is this--exactly this--that floods my insides with a crazy peace.
i'm extremely happy right now.
life is so good. phew! i can't remember feeling *this* happy and optimistic about my journey.
i know i feel this good b/c this isn't just a 'high' that'll fade. and hey--i'm realistic. life'll definitely bring me things that'll make me cringe and cry. inevitably, life is full of intense pain and well--shit happens to everyone. but i'm actively talking to God again--and He's doing something mysterious in my insides.
i am experiencing an impossible feeling. there is no other way to describe it.
let me put this into some context.
the phrase: "relationship with God" is such an overused phrase that it has lost meaning. and honestly, it sometimes sounds like something a crazy, over-spiritualized, self-righteous Bible bangin' jerk would be haranguing about. but hell, i must speak of this--and i suppose you could call me one of those jerks.
i'm not going to be as arrogant to say that i've figured out what a "relationship with God" is, but i feel like i've suddenly found myself in a place where i'm experiencing it.
for many years i was lost in the land of the "do's" and "don'ts".
this wasn't it.
then, for a while, i was lost in the opposing jungle of eschewing all of the rules. i figured, if God loves me with an agape love, my actions ("good" or "bad") were unimportant.
this also, wasn't it.
finally, i have found myself in a place where i'm not thinking about any of that stuff, and i'm simply focused upon just getting to know Him. i've been trying to live inside this framework for the past few months--just doing my best to talk to God. i've been trying to *really* love people and learn what it means to be content.
somehow, this has spontaneously lead me into falling in step w/ the "do's" and "don'ts"--(BIZARRE!) i have not been trying to be *good*, but suddenly i find myself naturally being *good*.
I KNOW: the idea of "GOODness" is a very confusing and controversial concept--but it IS there. it floats around dynamically, nebulously--but it is a real thing. i would contend that most people--irrespective of belief system--can see and feel what "good" is, even if they cannot define it. even if they don't know where it comes from.
i have been startled by these random avalanches of joy. i know it sounds like hyperbole--but WOW--i have rediscovered the secret again, and it feels amazing.
i know that there is a plan for my life, and it's a good one. and it will make me happy. God likes me to be happy.
i know that there is a purpose for my existence on this planet, even though i'm not sure what it is. i'll figure it out at the right time.
and i know that whichever direction i go in these worn sneakers, God is holding my hand, walking with me. it is this--exactly this--that floods my insides with a crazy peace.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
traveling and thoughts post-Japan
ok--my travel partner, Will was good to me--in that we *did* have hours of good conversation and he (sometimes unnecessarily) kept a close eye out on me. he also was pretty well-informed about Japan, and seemed serious about studying the language and culture--a respectable venture. however, let me take a moment to vent my spleen about him.
i will NEVER AGAIN travel w/ someone i am not SURE is a good travel-match w/ me.
it is a buzz kill. and i don't want to resent anyone after being on the Road w/ them. here were some of the crazy annoyances:
1) Will clutched onto his GPS like it was a life preserver and he didn't know how to swim--(he actually doesn't know how to swim. hehe~). he was so dependent upon it that he didn't realize that it actually hindered us from getting from A to B.
i like having a map to find things, but wandering randomly and stumbling across interesting people and sights is fun for me. the freedom of being off-schedule and off-obligation is lovely, and something that should be experienced fully. there is very little opportunity to do this during the daily grind. if i'm feeling sketched out or it's getting dark, i'll check the map and see if i can walk to where i need to go.
2) along w/ this, Will wanted to plan everything out to the enth degree and he hated asking people for help.
one of the major joys i have in life is PEOPLE. i find it especially sweet to meet people from different backgrounds and cultures. so, after the first few days of witnessing how Will avoided interpersonal interaction, i decided i would just initiate w/ the Japanese people whenever i felt like it/needed to--despite my non-existent linguistic skills. a funny side bar is that whenever we entered into a social situation, the Japanese people would always jabber at me endlessly, despite my helpless smiles and gesturing. they would refuse to believe i didn't speak the language. Will would then have to swoop in to translate as best as he could.
3) Will kept on leaving me in charge of all of the activity choosing (which is an important responsibility) citing, "it's YOUR vacation".
ARGH! when you're traveling w/ another, both should contribute to the activity planning. that way you might end up doing something that might be a little off-color from your taste, but could be an awesome experience.
anyway, w/ Will being as indecisive as he was, i ended up choosing pretty rigorous physical activities (much to his chagrin). he continually pissed and winged about being sweaty. DAMNIT. i wanted to baby shake him and yell: "grow a pair and just gut it out!" or, "would you please get away from me and go do whatever the hell you want?"
so, those were the annoyances.
but inevitably, the trip was a good one for me--for both of us, in fact. i think i helped Will to see that there is a better way to move through the world than being so self-contained/controlled. he actually complained about how much he planned but saw how things often didn't clock-work out.
i smirked and shot @ him: "really? things usually seem to work out alright when i DON'T plan." (yes, i know. i was being a little salty w/ him by that point.)
Will: "huh... well, you gotta show me how you do that."
me: "the problem with planning is that you think too much about reaching some concrete objective, rather than just experiencing and enjoying the Road."
Will: "but if you don't plan, you don't know what to do or where you're going."
me: "part of the nice thing about 'vacation' and travelling is that you don't necessarily have to know all of that stuff. AND, there are always *people*. i would say that 80% of the people out there at any given time will welcome a moment of connection w/ another human being, you know? and, if there's no one around, you just gotta problem solve."
Will: "i suppose..."
as i mentioned before, Will was a great conversationalist and we had many interesting discussions. though i am now more thoroughly disgusted w/ men, i also have a grudging acceptance of them. this is partly b/c i feel much better informed.
i love being friends w/ men, b/c when you're actually friends, men will just 'say it how it is'. no sugar. they are basic creatures. i like that.
i will NEVER AGAIN travel w/ someone i am not SURE is a good travel-match w/ me.
it is a buzz kill. and i don't want to resent anyone after being on the Road w/ them. here were some of the crazy annoyances:
1) Will clutched onto his GPS like it was a life preserver and he didn't know how to swim--(he actually doesn't know how to swim. hehe~). he was so dependent upon it that he didn't realize that it actually hindered us from getting from A to B.
i like having a map to find things, but wandering randomly and stumbling across interesting people and sights is fun for me. the freedom of being off-schedule and off-obligation is lovely, and something that should be experienced fully. there is very little opportunity to do this during the daily grind. if i'm feeling sketched out or it's getting dark, i'll check the map and see if i can walk to where i need to go.
2) along w/ this, Will wanted to plan everything out to the enth degree and he hated asking people for help.
one of the major joys i have in life is PEOPLE. i find it especially sweet to meet people from different backgrounds and cultures. so, after the first few days of witnessing how Will avoided interpersonal interaction, i decided i would just initiate w/ the Japanese people whenever i felt like it/needed to--despite my non-existent linguistic skills. a funny side bar is that whenever we entered into a social situation, the Japanese people would always jabber at me endlessly, despite my helpless smiles and gesturing. they would refuse to believe i didn't speak the language. Will would then have to swoop in to translate as best as he could.
3) Will kept on leaving me in charge of all of the activity choosing (which is an important responsibility) citing, "it's YOUR vacation".
ARGH! when you're traveling w/ another, both should contribute to the activity planning. that way you might end up doing something that might be a little off-color from your taste, but could be an awesome experience.
anyway, w/ Will being as indecisive as he was, i ended up choosing pretty rigorous physical activities (much to his chagrin). he continually pissed and winged about being sweaty. DAMNIT. i wanted to baby shake him and yell: "grow a pair and just gut it out!" or, "would you please get away from me and go do whatever the hell you want?"
so, those were the annoyances.
but inevitably, the trip was a good one for me--for both of us, in fact. i think i helped Will to see that there is a better way to move through the world than being so self-contained/controlled. he actually complained about how much he planned but saw how things often didn't clock-work out.
i smirked and shot @ him: "really? things usually seem to work out alright when i DON'T plan." (yes, i know. i was being a little salty w/ him by that point.)
Will: "huh... well, you gotta show me how you do that."
me: "the problem with planning is that you think too much about reaching some concrete objective, rather than just experiencing and enjoying the Road."
Will: "but if you don't plan, you don't know what to do or where you're going."
me: "part of the nice thing about 'vacation' and travelling is that you don't necessarily have to know all of that stuff. AND, there are always *people*. i would say that 80% of the people out there at any given time will welcome a moment of connection w/ another human being, you know? and, if there's no one around, you just gotta problem solve."
Will: "i suppose..."
as i mentioned before, Will was a great conversationalist and we had many interesting discussions. though i am now more thoroughly disgusted w/ men, i also have a grudging acceptance of them. this is partly b/c i feel much better informed.
i love being friends w/ men, b/c when you're actually friends, men will just 'say it how it is'. no sugar. they are basic creatures. i like that.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
i love to laugh. and God loves it when i do.
i am easily alarmed and will laugh easily as well, but there aren't many things that'll really really tickle my funny bone.
SO, when my funny bone has been titulated in this way, i will randomly laugh about the humorous incident for days after. this makes people nervous b/c i am usually unwilling to disclose the foolishness that is making me giggle.
i went to the 3pm church service today, and it was actually a little better than i expected. my church attendance has been spotty in Korea--(for plenty of personal and institutional reasons) thus, i don't really know any of the church members but the sweetie senior Pastor Bill.
anyway, i've been more intentional about trying to live a little more quietly and engage in healthier activities that make me happier and calmer and et cetera.
i've realized:
i DON'T have to hit every party i'm invited to.
i DON'T have to go out every time someone is trying to get my attention.
missing out on the "action" might feel a little crazy--this morning, i got 2 urgent phone calls informing me of the theft and the fight that happened last night. nutty. however, i observed the the insanity of the previous day's party w/ virtually no personal fall-out. (i hope that doesn't sound selfish. i don't mean it that way.)
i've been spending my Sundays at the jimjilbahng and then heading to church. afterwards, i've been either meeting a few people, hitting a cafe/bookstore, or just chilling out. it's been a nice rhythm i've gotten into.
given these factors, today: i had a nice time of introspection during the service, and felt like i had a chance to actually chat w/ God. towards the end of the service, there was communion and a closing song that i knew the words to. i closed my eyes as i sang and felt peace. during one of the choruses, someone sat right night to me. i didn't move or acknowledge him/her, though i certainly wondered why this person chose to sit so closely to me when there were so many other seats available.
following the song, there was a prayer--so i kept my eyes closed. at the final "amen", i felt the person's hand slowly brush the top of mine and i blanched. i swiftly turned to the offender in order to punch some lights out. i was greeted to the mirthful expression of my friend, Michelle, and i nearly burst into uncontrollable giggles.
from the podium, P Bill's mouth was twitching w/ a chuckle as i threw my arms around her. i loudly whispered "CREEPY!!" into her ear. Michelle kept on trying to calm me down and act like nothing had just happened, but my giggles could not be mustered.
i don't know why, but this incident has made me laugh forever.
it is grand to have some levity in the middle of a church service. God can be pretty serious business at times, but i'm pretty sure He thought the whole incident was pretty hilarious as well.
SO, when my funny bone has been titulated in this way, i will randomly laugh about the humorous incident for days after. this makes people nervous b/c i am usually unwilling to disclose the foolishness that is making me giggle.
i went to the 3pm church service today, and it was actually a little better than i expected. my church attendance has been spotty in Korea--(for plenty of personal and institutional reasons) thus, i don't really know any of the church members but the sweetie senior Pastor Bill.
anyway, i've been more intentional about trying to live a little more quietly and engage in healthier activities that make me happier and calmer and et cetera.
i've realized:
i DON'T have to hit every party i'm invited to.
i DON'T have to go out every time someone is trying to get my attention.
missing out on the "action" might feel a little crazy--this morning, i got 2 urgent phone calls informing me of the theft and the fight that happened last night. nutty. however, i observed the the insanity of the previous day's party w/ virtually no personal fall-out. (i hope that doesn't sound selfish. i don't mean it that way.)
i've been spending my Sundays at the jimjilbahng and then heading to church. afterwards, i've been either meeting a few people, hitting a cafe/bookstore, or just chilling out. it's been a nice rhythm i've gotten into.
given these factors, today: i had a nice time of introspection during the service, and felt like i had a chance to actually chat w/ God. towards the end of the service, there was communion and a closing song that i knew the words to. i closed my eyes as i sang and felt peace. during one of the choruses, someone sat right night to me. i didn't move or acknowledge him/her, though i certainly wondered why this person chose to sit so closely to me when there were so many other seats available.
following the song, there was a prayer--so i kept my eyes closed. at the final "amen", i felt the person's hand slowly brush the top of mine and i blanched. i swiftly turned to the offender in order to punch some lights out. i was greeted to the mirthful expression of my friend, Michelle, and i nearly burst into uncontrollable giggles.
from the podium, P Bill's mouth was twitching w/ a chuckle as i threw my arms around her. i loudly whispered "CREEPY!!" into her ear. Michelle kept on trying to calm me down and act like nothing had just happened, but my giggles could not be mustered.
i don't know why, but this incident has made me laugh forever.
it is grand to have some levity in the middle of a church service. God can be pretty serious business at times, but i'm pretty sure He thought the whole incident was pretty hilarious as well.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
my naughty, indulgent Wednesday
wow, i wonder if i'm going to make it a habit to write this often. it feels good. i know how stumbly-bumbly-unedited it all sounds, but i don't care. i've just gotta get back into the swing of things.
anyway, i had to make a comment about today. it was FANTASTIC.
yesterday evening, i went to the dentist and had several cavities filled--and i had an enormous one filled with a temporary filling. indeed, it was *temporary* because it promptly fell out when i got home. bah, humbug. it was painful--and i couldn't deal w/ the exhausting idea of commuting back-and-forth for 3 hours in between Wednesday classes.
i began reasoning: it would be an exorbitant waste of time to just get a temporary filling replaced... not w/ all the additional dental work i need to get done... and i have so many errands to run in the City...
it didn't take long to convince myself to call in sick this morning.
maybe it was the wrong move--i know Koreans never take time off for any reason and i would not be viewed favorably for making this decision. but: i had a painful gaping hole in the middle of my mouth! and 3 more cavities to get taken care of! and i technically have 10 allotted sick days/year.
SO, maybe i'm not *supposed* to take them, but hell!--it's in my contract, and sometimes eschewing responsibilities for the sake of preserving health (mental and otherwise) is the right choice.
anyway, i went off to the dentist and got the rest of my dental work done. my dentist is a really quirky Korean woman who looks Japanese and talked my ear off while i mentally prepared myself for the unhappy prospect of getting the hell drilled out of my teeth. she told me about her trip to Chicago a few years back in a strange accent that she claimed was Bostonian.
while she worked, i blasted new music into my ears to drown out the high-pitched whizzing of the saws and drills. the music comforted me.
after the horrors of the dental process, i felt accomplished that i was cavity free and even got a doctor's note to explain my dilemma to my school.
as i spent an hour on the train all the way to the 찜질방, i spent some time talking to God. we had an interesting conversation.
what is a relationship w/ God exactly?--i keep on confusing what that means. undoubtedly, i engage in obligatory relational responses to my friends and loved ones, but usually, my actions are based upon my feelings for them. it's a natural, organic process.
i don't want to engage w/ God in an obligatory way--that leads to me 'trying to be good' and then feeling guilty when i am not.
people might argue that we have an inherent goodness in us. i would agree w/ that, but i do not believe that those reserves are bottomless/never-ending. i can more palpably feel my selfish and impatient nature.
[Scott Boren: 'as we engage naturally, honestly, authentically w/ God, we enter into the joyful, divine dance of life on this earth'.]
doesn't that sound lovely? today felt like a dance.
at the 찜질방, i had a rigorous, body-blowing work out that made my muscles pleasantly achy. i then treated myself to the spa (the salt fomentation room!) and 3 different baths. i pampered my skin and took my time getting dressed.
there is something *absolutely wonderful* about taking my time to do such methodical, practical things.
when i left the 찜질방, the sky looked angry and the air threatened rain. i needed to go buy a gift for my friend in Japan, but getting to Insadong to buy his gift would be at least a 1/2 hour walk. i figured that i would walk until the rain stopped me--however, for the first time in weeks, the threat of rain was an empty threat, and i was simply treated to cool breezes and a smattering of sprinkles.
i was immediately able to find the gift that i was looking for.
on an uncharacteristic impulse, i took out about $200 from my account and made a bee-line for the building that sold 1000s of instruments. i've been dying to get musical, but the beaten up guitar i have just wasn't cutting it.
i bargained and got a Kamaloa ukulele with a cute little case that i could sling over my shoulder.
when i got home, i made myself an unexpectedly delicious and healthy dinner, and have been practicing my new uke for the past few hours. it is surprisingly easy! and i'm already feeling the burn in my fingertips! i believe i'll have calluses w/in a week.
and! i'm already 1/2way through mastering one of my favorite songs (Elephant Gun) by Beirut.
being naughty was... well... naughty. but today's naughtiness felt exactly right.
i must do this more often.
anyway, i had to make a comment about today. it was FANTASTIC.
yesterday evening, i went to the dentist and had several cavities filled--and i had an enormous one filled with a temporary filling. indeed, it was *temporary* because it promptly fell out when i got home. bah, humbug. it was painful--and i couldn't deal w/ the exhausting idea of commuting back-and-forth for 3 hours in between Wednesday classes.
i began reasoning: it would be an exorbitant waste of time to just get a temporary filling replaced... not w/ all the additional dental work i need to get done... and i have so many errands to run in the City...
it didn't take long to convince myself to call in sick this morning.
maybe it was the wrong move--i know Koreans never take time off for any reason and i would not be viewed favorably for making this decision. but: i had a painful gaping hole in the middle of my mouth! and 3 more cavities to get taken care of! and i technically have 10 allotted sick days/year.
SO, maybe i'm not *supposed* to take them, but hell!--it's in my contract, and sometimes eschewing responsibilities for the sake of preserving health (mental and otherwise) is the right choice.
anyway, i went off to the dentist and got the rest of my dental work done. my dentist is a really quirky Korean woman who looks Japanese and talked my ear off while i mentally prepared myself for the unhappy prospect of getting the hell drilled out of my teeth. she told me about her trip to Chicago a few years back in a strange accent that she claimed was Bostonian.
while she worked, i blasted new music into my ears to drown out the high-pitched whizzing of the saws and drills. the music comforted me.
after the horrors of the dental process, i felt accomplished that i was cavity free and even got a doctor's note to explain my dilemma to my school.
as i spent an hour on the train all the way to the 찜질방, i spent some time talking to God. we had an interesting conversation.
what is a relationship w/ God exactly?--i keep on confusing what that means. undoubtedly, i engage in obligatory relational responses to my friends and loved ones, but usually, my actions are based upon my feelings for them. it's a natural, organic process.
i don't want to engage w/ God in an obligatory way--that leads to me 'trying to be good' and then feeling guilty when i am not.
people might argue that we have an inherent goodness in us. i would agree w/ that, but i do not believe that those reserves are bottomless/never-ending. i can more palpably feel my selfish and impatient nature.
[Scott Boren: 'as we engage naturally, honestly, authentically w/ God, we enter into the joyful, divine dance of life on this earth'.]
doesn't that sound lovely? today felt like a dance.
at the 찜질방, i had a rigorous, body-blowing work out that made my muscles pleasantly achy. i then treated myself to the spa (the salt fomentation room!) and 3 different baths. i pampered my skin and took my time getting dressed.
there is something *absolutely wonderful* about taking my time to do such methodical, practical things.
when i left the 찜질방, the sky looked angry and the air threatened rain. i needed to go buy a gift for my friend in Japan, but getting to Insadong to buy his gift would be at least a 1/2 hour walk. i figured that i would walk until the rain stopped me--however, for the first time in weeks, the threat of rain was an empty threat, and i was simply treated to cool breezes and a smattering of sprinkles.
i was immediately able to find the gift that i was looking for.
on an uncharacteristic impulse, i took out about $200 from my account and made a bee-line for the building that sold 1000s of instruments. i've been dying to get musical, but the beaten up guitar i have just wasn't cutting it.
i bargained and got a Kamaloa ukulele with a cute little case that i could sling over my shoulder.
when i got home, i made myself an unexpectedly delicious and healthy dinner, and have been practicing my new uke for the past few hours. it is surprisingly easy! and i'm already feeling the burn in my fingertips! i believe i'll have calluses w/in a week.
and! i'm already 1/2way through mastering one of my favorite songs (Elephant Gun) by Beirut.
being naughty was... well... naughty. but today's naughtiness felt exactly right.
i must do this more often.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
thoughts pre-Japan
how odd is the way life unfolds?
when i was 28 years old, i was 3 years married and moving into my first home in the Monopoly suburb of Schaumburg, IL. if you had told me that w/in 3 years i would be considering a week-long trip to Japan as a casual occurrence, i would never have believed you.
i spent much of my down-time today doing research on Japan and getting thoroughly excited about the prospect of seeing another landscape, a new skyline, and a different sub-set of people of a foreign culture.
in photos, the Japanese vistas look sometimes similar to Korea's. they also look amazing and bright at different angles.
i've got the stereotype of exacting, prepackaged, shrink-wrapped, super clean, robotic trees and Lego cities/people floating about in my head. these prospects are actually very unpalatable to me--but i'm assuming these pictographs are probably inaccurate. i can only use my imagination to shape my notions of what it will be like when i get there.
to be honest, Japan was not on my list of places i wanted to visit, but w/ my friend out there and only a week to vacation, the two hour flight seemed that it was the right choice.
maybe i will surprise myself w/ how much i enjoy the Land of the Rising Sun? all i know is that i want a chance to get away. and really rest. and be emotionally pampered a little bit.
it might be terrible to say, but i know i'll be able to count on my friend to emotionally pamper me.
we've known each other for about 3 years. he was the 2nd man in the course of my marriage that i had to actively avoid in order to circumvent the possibility of infidelity unwrapping itself. when i realized that i was looking forward to flirting w/ him when i got to work, i had to protect my marriage by cutting off contact w/ him.
and he immediately knew that the tone had changed between us. he immediately respected those boundaries.
when i separated from my ex-husband, he definitely had the opportunity to 'comfort' me--an indulgence that i would've both welcomed and seriously turmoiled over. he was a decent enough guy to not engage me in that way, but that tension been established between us.
so, to avoid the possibility of Japanese shenanigans, i've already told him the white lie that i've recently started seeing someone.
anyway, outside of this one little factor, i'm curious to see what Japan might bring... the miniature deer, the mountains, the islands, the blue sky, the fresh air!
it could be disturbingly robotic or it could be beautiful and romantic and bohemian and/or the perfect storm of all of these elements. who knows?! but this is the wonderful thing about seeing every-places in the world. you always get to be surprised. even if by slight boredom.
when i was 28 years old, i was 3 years married and moving into my first home in the Monopoly suburb of Schaumburg, IL. if you had told me that w/in 3 years i would be considering a week-long trip to Japan as a casual occurrence, i would never have believed you.
i spent much of my down-time today doing research on Japan and getting thoroughly excited about the prospect of seeing another landscape, a new skyline, and a different sub-set of people of a foreign culture.
in photos, the Japanese vistas look sometimes similar to Korea's. they also look amazing and bright at different angles.
i've got the stereotype of exacting, prepackaged, shrink-wrapped, super clean, robotic trees and Lego cities/people floating about in my head. these prospects are actually very unpalatable to me--but i'm assuming these pictographs are probably inaccurate. i can only use my imagination to shape my notions of what it will be like when i get there.
to be honest, Japan was not on my list of places i wanted to visit, but w/ my friend out there and only a week to vacation, the two hour flight seemed that it was the right choice.
maybe i will surprise myself w/ how much i enjoy the Land of the Rising Sun? all i know is that i want a chance to get away. and really rest. and be emotionally pampered a little bit.
it might be terrible to say, but i know i'll be able to count on my friend to emotionally pamper me.
we've known each other for about 3 years. he was the 2nd man in the course of my marriage that i had to actively avoid in order to circumvent the possibility of infidelity unwrapping itself. when i realized that i was looking forward to flirting w/ him when i got to work, i had to protect my marriage by cutting off contact w/ him.
and he immediately knew that the tone had changed between us. he immediately respected those boundaries.
when i separated from my ex-husband, he definitely had the opportunity to 'comfort' me--an indulgence that i would've both welcomed and seriously turmoiled over. he was a decent enough guy to not engage me in that way, but that tension been established between us.
so, to avoid the possibility of Japanese shenanigans, i've already told him the white lie that i've recently started seeing someone.
anyway, outside of this one little factor, i'm curious to see what Japan might bring... the miniature deer, the mountains, the islands, the blue sky, the fresh air!
it could be disturbingly robotic or it could be beautiful and romantic and bohemian and/or the perfect storm of all of these elements. who knows?! but this is the wonderful thing about seeing every-places in the world. you always get to be surprised. even if by slight boredom.
Monday, September 6, 2010
September 2010
i feel like a fuck up. it hurts to feel this way.
well, i have these ideals about absolutes and standards and how things "should be", but inevitably, those are personal and subjective.
this still hurts though.
i've always known i can't be perfect. the Lord knows that i've tried and the Lord knows that i cannot succeed, despite my unrelenting attempts.
i sometimes wonder if i've been made as imperfect as i have been, in order to stumble enough in life to keep me attached to the ground.
yes.
there's the gritty ground.
and there's another bloody knee.
i'm clumsy. i have nothing to be arrogant about.
i get beautiful compliments about various things, but those come from people who don't see how badly i fail. i hide myself.
i actually get freaked when people say nice things to me b/c i wonder: "if you really knew me...what would you say...?"
the only person who can clearly see my failings are me. and Jesus. of course.
this comes down to something i was talking about w/ a birthday girl yesterday. as we exist in this world among other people, we just want to be *known*. fully.
without reservation or judgment.
and loved.
fully.
without reservation.
without judgment.
though we may be hell raising neurotics.
though we maybe dirty, intense, crazy, selfish, and only sometimes-sweet
sigh.
i want to be good... i try so hard to be good, but inevitably, it is impossible--not on my own. not by what i can figure out.
things are picking up again--(did they ever slow down?!)
here i am, ready to pack up to Japan in less than 2 weeks, to visit a boy that i believe i 'got away' from. i know it might be extremely arrogant to say that, but when a woman has intuition about something like this...
well, i have these ideals about absolutes and standards and how things "should be", but inevitably, those are personal and subjective.
this still hurts though.
i've always known i can't be perfect. the Lord knows that i've tried and the Lord knows that i cannot succeed, despite my unrelenting attempts.
i sometimes wonder if i've been made as imperfect as i have been, in order to stumble enough in life to keep me attached to the ground.
yes.
there's the gritty ground.
and there's another bloody knee.
i'm clumsy. i have nothing to be arrogant about.
i get beautiful compliments about various things, but those come from people who don't see how badly i fail. i hide myself.
i actually get freaked when people say nice things to me b/c i wonder: "if you really knew me...what would you say...?"
the only person who can clearly see my failings are me. and Jesus. of course.
this comes down to something i was talking about w/ a birthday girl yesterday. as we exist in this world among other people, we just want to be *known*. fully.
without reservation or judgment.
and loved.
fully.
without reservation.
without judgment.
though we may be hell raising neurotics.
though we maybe dirty, intense, crazy, selfish, and only sometimes-sweet
sigh.
i want to be good... i try so hard to be good, but inevitably, it is impossible--not on my own. not by what i can figure out.
things are picking up again--(did they ever slow down?!)
here i am, ready to pack up to Japan in less than 2 weeks, to visit a boy that i believe i 'got away' from. i know it might be extremely arrogant to say that, but when a woman has intuition about something like this...
Sunday, September 5, 2010
decisions decisions
i may be a pig. in a cage. on antibiotics, but at least i'm trying to get healthy.
this is weekend #1 of my non-smoking life. for the rest of my life.
this isn't to say that i will never smoke another cigarette in my life--in fact, i am sure that i will. but i've gotten so sick of seeing my skin deteriorate, my energy level dip below what a 31 year old woman's should, and smelling like an ashtray after coming inside from my smoke breaks during monsoon season.
so many people have guffawed at me for "attempting" to quit smoking.
1st of all, that's a bullshit way to encourage someone who is trying to get healthy.
2nd: FUCK YOU. i'm doing it.
this has a lot to do w/ my resolve. there are plenty of times that i say that i'm going to do something, but deep (and not-so-deep) below, i'm not really certain that i'm set on doing those things. sometimes i wax and wane philosophical about my standards and ideals, but know that i'm not really prepared to make the changes that would be good for me.
BUT, when i'm absolutely resolved about an issue, i deal w/ the hell and high water that come w/ making that decision and then grit my teeth for the gut-wrenching ride.
SIGH.
such comes along w/ the drastic, life-changing choice to be a non-smoker.
shit. it's a choice that many make every day--and stick w/ it, i'm sure--but, true resolve against a very tasty and lusty habit is not only a discipline, it needs to be a shift in thinking--sometimes a moment-to-moment choice. often, this is not palatable during transition, but inevitably, it brings along w/ it peace, joy, and a sense of refreshment and redemption.
i say these things, in part, to convince myself as i've been fighting against the waves of panic that i've been feeling when struck w/ the damning realization: "oh no. i CAN'T have a cigarette"--when encountering bullshit from a co-worker... or after a frustrating situation, the perfect meal, a long movie, or great work-out.
in the end, i'm feeling sick to death of feeling sick to death. i want to be healthy again. i want to engage in healthy activities, healthy relationships, and a healthy view of myself.
on these scores: i've been running, hiking, rafting, and rock-climbing this summer.
i've also been cutting down on all of the random drunken soirees (i just had my 2nd fabulous Saturday in a row, where i've just spent the whole day engaging in personal one-on-one time w/ good friends).
and, i've decided to non-literally "fuck men" until i meet someone decent. i've resigned to just deal w/ the annoying fall-out of unsatiated animal urges. i know i'm kinda pretty, have a decent head on my shoulders, and don't need man's opinion to sway the thoughts that i have about who i am.
i am a crazy-intense-opinionated-intelligent-loving-sometimes forlorn and damaged little girl. but i'm finding my way. and beginning to like who i am again. i am worth something and have forever-value beyond the above-mentioned.
i know that these are revelations that i have about once or twice a year, but they feel new every time i have them. i'm hitting 'reset'.
well, it's 2:30am on a late-Saturday and i'm home alone. happy. at peace. and sleepy.
g'nite World. i've got a lovely Sunday planned ahead of me.
this is weekend #1 of my non-smoking life. for the rest of my life.
this isn't to say that i will never smoke another cigarette in my life--in fact, i am sure that i will. but i've gotten so sick of seeing my skin deteriorate, my energy level dip below what a 31 year old woman's should, and smelling like an ashtray after coming inside from my smoke breaks during monsoon season.
so many people have guffawed at me for "attempting" to quit smoking.
1st of all, that's a bullshit way to encourage someone who is trying to get healthy.
2nd: FUCK YOU. i'm doing it.
this has a lot to do w/ my resolve. there are plenty of times that i say that i'm going to do something, but deep (and not-so-deep) below, i'm not really certain that i'm set on doing those things. sometimes i wax and wane philosophical about my standards and ideals, but know that i'm not really prepared to make the changes that would be good for me.
BUT, when i'm absolutely resolved about an issue, i deal w/ the hell and high water that come w/ making that decision and then grit my teeth for the gut-wrenching ride.
SIGH.
such comes along w/ the drastic, life-changing choice to be a non-smoker.
shit. it's a choice that many make every day--and stick w/ it, i'm sure--but, true resolve against a very tasty and lusty habit is not only a discipline, it needs to be a shift in thinking--sometimes a moment-to-moment choice. often, this is not palatable during transition, but inevitably, it brings along w/ it peace, joy, and a sense of refreshment and redemption.
i say these things, in part, to convince myself as i've been fighting against the waves of panic that i've been feeling when struck w/ the damning realization: "oh no. i CAN'T have a cigarette"--when encountering bullshit from a co-worker... or after a frustrating situation, the perfect meal, a long movie, or great work-out.
in the end, i'm feeling sick to death of feeling sick to death. i want to be healthy again. i want to engage in healthy activities, healthy relationships, and a healthy view of myself.
on these scores: i've been running, hiking, rafting, and rock-climbing this summer.
i've also been cutting down on all of the random drunken soirees (i just had my 2nd fabulous Saturday in a row, where i've just spent the whole day engaging in personal one-on-one time w/ good friends).
and, i've decided to non-literally "fuck men" until i meet someone decent. i've resigned to just deal w/ the annoying fall-out of unsatiated animal urges. i know i'm kinda pretty, have a decent head on my shoulders, and don't need man's opinion to sway the thoughts that i have about who i am.
i am a crazy-intense-opinionated-intelligent-loving-sometimes forlorn and damaged little girl. but i'm finding my way. and beginning to like who i am again. i am worth something and have forever-value beyond the above-mentioned.
i know that these are revelations that i have about once or twice a year, but they feel new every time i have them. i'm hitting 'reset'.
well, it's 2:30am on a late-Saturday and i'm home alone. happy. at peace. and sleepy.
g'nite World. i've got a lovely Sunday planned ahead of me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)