hiatus

this'll be a messy blog entry--i'm not even going to edit.

i've printed out my blog and it's over 200 pages of text. insane. anyway, in the past two weeks i've gone and begun reading about all the craziness and have finally formulated an idea of what i'm writing and where it's going to end.

so, for those of you who keep up w/ what i'm writing, i'll let you know when i'm starting back up--i imagine in about 2 weeks from now.

it was extraordinarily exciting to read and read and read the stuff i've written this year. it's incredible the insanity have i've gone thru from the emotional to the situational. i realize so much more about myself and have come to a strange sense of philosophy about why i'm on this earth. finally. i think that this is why i can start this book--b/c now i've figured *something* out, no matter how paltry.

some missteps and mistakes to record for today. it took me a ridiculous situation w/ a Korean boy, who had one of the sweetest of dispositions (tho he stalked me a little) to fully fully get to the point of feeling settled in my singlehood.
i don't want to hurt nice boys. and i don't want to be hurt either. this will definitely happen if i engage w/ any of them right now. particularly if they aren't longer-term material (which would also frighten me).
and hell! i don't want to have to answer to anyone right now. i love the freedom of being involved in all of the activities i'm involved in and meeting different people every night. i'm investing in some new and wonderful friendships (tho i won't be able to keep pace forever... it is burning me out a little). i don't have to feel bad that i'm leaving anyone behind @ home--as i did w/ my ex-husband.

last week, over smokes and crisp Fall weather, i said to Praise: you know, i'm really happy these days. i know i've done some stupid and crazy shit in the past few months, but i am actually beginning to feel more stable.
pause. thoughtful look @ the curling smoke from her cigarette: "i can see that you're actually happy. a few months ago, you were saying the same thing--and emotionally, you seemed happy in the moment, but you were subject to be shaken by an awful thought or memory. today, you're actually doing it. it seems like you're getting your identity together and doing things that you want to do."
i feel like i'm chasing myself down. and finally figuring out who that is and who that is not.

this is a spoiler for the end of my book.
today, i'm really living happy.