a blog about nothing

i need to sleep soon. i've got an early Sunday morning hike to get to. it's been a while since i've been on one of these, but my friend from the UK has been in town for the past week--and Sunday hikes were something special we used to do together. plus, it's finally beginning to cool down and the idea of getting out into the clearer air of the mountains is extremely appealing to me.

today will mark Day 5 of my life of asceticism. i made it to Day 16, but then my friend came into town and i decided to throw it out of the window--it was my own excuse and i splurged in grand style. but i paid the piper. you always have to pay the piper, huh?
i've wondered if there's any point for me to be an ascetic--and if i'd ever make it out of the double digits of days, but, there *does* seem to be a point. i feel better, healthier... my mind is clearer, i feel less guilt about ruining my physical body and i have a *somewhat* saner flow to my life. it's 10pm and i feel tired. this seems like it's a good thing. particularly because tomorrow, i'll wake with the sun--and there is something absolutely lovely about the morning.

i counted days. i wondered if i'd make it into the triple digits of ascetic days, and ironically, Day 100 will be my 33rd birthday. on Day 102 i'll be in Malaysia. or Northern Thailand.
i'm currently considering how unwise it is to write about this, particularly because i'm a weak individual who is terrible at keeping commitments--but... well, who gives a shit? these promises are to myself. and possibly God.
i guess i'm writing because it's just nice for me to keep a record someplace. eventually i read these archives over, and sometimes i learn something from them. or i get to cringe at my childish meanderings and then shrug--simply happy to be a little 'further along'.

i'm reading Murakami's running book right now and it's exactly the right book for my state of mind. pain is inevitable, but suffering is not.
i'm definitely feeling some pain.
i've had a headache for the past 21 days. i can't be sure if it's the acute bronchitis i contracted, the strange sleep i've been getting, the fact that i've quit smoking, or any of the other lifestyle changes i've made. but, more and more i'm realizing the distinct limitations of this frail form. i'm patently sensing how stability and structure and order really produces/increases/encourages longevity in my physical, spiritual, and emotional health. i'm a fucking robot, huh?
but, there it is.
though there is something constraining about regular sleep, diet, exercise, and socialization/scheduling--this seems like it should create more flexibility during my waking hours in some ways? though lately, i've been feeling like i'm in a box--socially, intellectually, and spiritually:
socially, i've really just gotten sick to death of people and have not been going out at all. i'm just not up for dealing with demands or trying to look pretty or flatter someone. but also, you can't be an ascetic and be social. it makes people uncomfortable. plus, i personally can't stand being around cigarette smoke right now. this puts a hedge around my options.
i'm also worried about the intellectual side of my mind these days. i feel like my brain has been addled by a misspent youth and i literally have trouble recalling simple things, much less keep track of my schedule. i've been absent-minded and very laissez faire about things that used to cause me much more issue. at the same time, i've rediscovered my love for books and have been burning through an average of 2-3/week--so, i'm not sure if that means my brains are ok? or... maybe it's a problem with my sleep... i've been falling sleep when "normal" people normally do, but i have been waking up at 2-3-4 in the morning for no reason. whenever i awake these days, even if i'm tired, i yearn for the sunlight. the sunlight makes it more likely for it to be the time i should sit up and begin moving. there is something unsettling about wide-awaking at 3am.
on the spiritual side... i've just got a lot of questions. i'm not questioning the larger cosmological/existential issues, but rather, i've been teasing through the questions of: so, what now? and how?


anyway, that's enough of nothing for now.