women all have the same body

so, for my third weekend in Korea, Praise, Denise, and I wanted to get out of the busy craziness of Seoul for a little. we decided that we'd go to Boreong--which is where they have this Mardi-Gras-esque Mud Festival in the summer. because it's the dead of winter, we just planned to pamper ourselves by going to a chim-jil-bahng (an elaborate Korean day spa) and get a massage or something. Boreong is a coastal city, so we knew we'd get to see the ocean. seeing a winter beach sounded amazing to me, so we were excited to head on down there right after work on Friday.

it was actually the coldest weekend yet this winter, and we were warned by a co-worker that a snowstorm had just passed through Boreong. we shrugged our shoulders and slipped the straps of our backpack on... whatever will be... we needed to get outta Seoul.

there was about zero real planning that went into this trip. we were going to get to Boreong by 1am, so a fleeting worry crossed our minds about possibly finding a cab or a place to sleep for the night. when we pulled into the Boreong bus station, the town was asleep. it seemed still compared to the hustling bustling of the neon-lit big city. the people from the bus were all scrambling for their cell phones to get into contact with their rides.

we laughed and sneered at each other inelegantly, then Praise ran out to an occupied cab to ask the driver if we could get the number to call someone to pick us up. Denise wrapped her arms around me b/c my layers of jackets didn't really defend me from the winter chill.

minutes later, a young cabbie picked us up and asked us:
where do you want to go?
we laughed uproariously and asked: "we're in Boreong, right?"
he chucked: yes!
"oh, thank God." more laughter: "we don't really have a place where we wanted to go, but we wanted to be by the beach. can you take us to a cheap, but decent place to crash for the night?"
sure sure.

snow covered countryside. open spaces and blinking street lights and haphazard electrical lines--we passed through a backwoodsy type of area and came into the beach town which was lit up prettily. our cabbie had been amiably chatting with us about the town and brought us to a small motel.

we hopefully hopped out of the cab onto the snowy street and shivered into the darkened lobby. the cabbie came with us and knocked on a little window at the front desk. an ah-jimah (40-ish matron) opened the window and blinked at us sleepily.

"can we get a room for the night?"
yes. $25 won.
"$25 won?!" we giddily handed her the money and accepted the key. when we entered the tiny room, our cold feet were warmed by the heated floors and we danced about cheerily examining everything. we laughed and jumped on the bed. happy to be alive. we all felt like such adults to have been able to travel three hours away from Seoul, arrive in the middle of the night, and get a room for next to nothing. life is grand.

we decided to trudge around town for a minute to get the lay of the land. though i was freezing in my thin layers, i still slung my arm around a snowman with rubber glove hands for a pic. people kept propositioning us on the street to come into their restaurants for dinner. this was a little confusing for us because there were very few people walking around and it was nearly 2:30 in the morning. we just slipped into a slapdash little any-mart and picked up a few bowls of instant ramen noodles to munch on for the evening.

again, the freezing snowy streets, but again, the delightful relief of heated floors and giddy laughter.

time runs strangely out here in Korea. i had only known Denise for about 2 weeks when we went on this trip, but i already feel like i've known her for months. it's amazing and wonderful to be able to find people that you can feel connected to--even moreso in my place in life where i've felt so lost and disconnected from people for a long time. i know God is being really gracious to me, and i know i'm incredibly blessed for the connections that i've made. i'm being healed. i'm becoming who i really am again. i love to laugh, to make others laugh, and to talk and to love and to share my heart. i love to give and trust and hold someone's arm while i tell them that they're beautiful.

i awoke to the late morning sun, and read Psalm 73 while Praise and Denise were still languidly dosing in and out of REM. v 28--"but as for me, how good it is to be near God! i have made the Sovereign Lord my shelter, and i will tell everyone about the wonderful things that you do."

after resting until we actually all felt rested, we lounged around in our pjs for a while.
Praise: i think women are so pretty. even when they're not that pretty, i usually think that they're pretty in some way.
me: true true. people can objectively be good-looking or bad-looking or whatever--but when you actually get to know them, their features seem to take on the characteristics of their personality, you know? so, a really good-looking guy who's an asshole will end up looking really stupid to me.
Denise: i'm a little weirded out about going to that mud sauna. are we going to be naked the whole time?
Praise: you gotta just shrug a shoulder and do it quick. it's like ripping off a bandaid. then it's over and it's not a big deal at all.

we eventually got up and bundled up against the cold. we asked the sleepy eyed ah-jinmah where we could find a good place to get clams. she pointed us through the sparse buildings and across the street.

it was essentially a large tent that had been erected and had grown more and more semi-permanent over time. it was barely warmer inside than it was outside. we shivered, but shed our jackets so we could eat. an 80-something hal-muhni (grandma) haggled with us about the price and what we were going to order. b/c i'm not a huge seafood fan--especially seafood of the mysterious non-fish variety, we stuck to our guns and ordered a smaller portion. i asked for an ashtray and she gave us a dirty paper cup with a quarter inch of water at the bottom.

then she went and got two flaming pieces of coal and placed them into a compartment that was right under the the tabletop. there was a grill that was embedded into the center of the table. we warmed our hands over the coals while the hal-muhni went and brought us a pile of clams that looked like they had just been pulled out of the ocean. she roasted them over the coals, turning and watching them cook with expert eyes. they sizzled and popped and steamed out billows of ocean smells. deftly, she cracked open the shells and placed the meats onto our plates.

i could not examine the clams before i popped them into my mouth because i knew i'd get finnicky. though they didn't taste bad, i had to control my gag reflex at the sinewy sea flavors. Denise and Praise kept ooohing and aaahing while they munched contentedly. oddly, the hal-muhni kept piling the most seafood onto Praise's plate, the medium portions onto mine, and the least onto Denise's:

me: "do you notice how she's doing that?"
Denise: "yeah! why do you think that is?"
Praise: "should we ask her?"
me: "i feel like it's based on how well we can speak Korean--like she's rewarding Praise for being the most proficient."
Denise: "maybe if i really make 'yummy' sounds"--which she proceeded to do so in a very exaggerated manner. to no effect. Praise and i began sharing with Denise across the table. oh well. sharing is ok, right?

the hal-muhni took a break and smoked a skinny about two feet away from our table. our bones were getting chilled so we shrugged back into our jackets and asked for directions to the ocean. it was about a block and a half away.

i've never been to the beach in the winter, so i'm not sure what i expected to see, but the clash of snow and snowy mountains and sand with the darkest blue water is not something that can fully be described with words. the brisk winter winds whipped and ceased and whipped while we carefully made our way towards the edge between the sand and the sea.
breathing in the crisp salty air, i stared into the deep blue depths and watched the troubled bursts and splashes among the tossing waves. my cheeks were flushed quickly by the winter and i wondered how deep it was out there--what kinds of roiling life was roiling beneath all of that.

we snapped a dozen shots of these freezing moments of time and then grabbed each others arms for warmth as we trudged toward the mud sauna. it was conveniently located about half a block away. Praise made us pose for a pic outside and then we quickly moved into the warmth of the building.

"how much is it to go in?"
$3 man won.

i really can't remember the last time it felt this gratifying to let money slip out of my pockets. i felt like i was passing out nickels and dimes for these unforgettable experiences.

we gingerly stepped out of our sodden boots and then entered the women's locker room. ah. heated floors. they blessed our cold toes and we paused blissfully for a moment. naked women of all sizes and proportions were casually sauntering about, drying their hair, and jabbering in Korean. the ladies at the counter handed us hand towels and Denise and i glanced at each other with sheepish trepidation as we claimed lockers and began peeling off our winter-wear.

me: "i'm going to have to pee before i do this".
Denise: "me too".
Praise: "guys! you just gotta do it like a bandaid! trust me. it's nothing after about a minute."
"we know. we know"

i crouched by my locker in mid-undress and then tried to empty my head of the foolish hang-ups i had about nudity. steeling my nerves, i quickly unrobed and then placed the tiny towel in front of my body. i walked swiftly into the steamy bathing room, completely conscious of my exposed backside and then paused again. there were about a dozen naked women talking, scrubbing each others backs, wading in the pools, and completely ignoring me. ah. Korea. oh well.

flipping the towel away from my body and onto the bench holding everyone's toiletries, i finally let go of those insecurities i have about my imperfect body. Denise followed in suit. the three of us looked at each other for a brief, diminutive moment of shock. and then it was over. we all have the same body. there are breasts, nipples, some pubes, and an ass, but that's it.

Praise: "see! it's no big deal."
me: "we all have the exact same body."
Praise: "this is what i'm saying. there's a little more here, a little more there, but in the end, it's all the same. i had to deal w/ my own shock the first time i went to a chim-jil-bahng."
Denise: "kinda liberating actually."
me: "i concur."

we sat in the sauna and soaked the heat into our bones and showed each other Pilates moves while we giggled about our nakedness. we covered our bodies in mud. a random woman actually began painting my back in mud in places i couldn't reach. i thanked her and reciprocated.

Praise: "you look like body art!"

we soaked pleasurably in the various heated jacuzzis.

life is grand. but, i'm telling you. time is moving in dog years out here.

people are beautiful (part I)

i've always been a night owl. i have few clear memories of childhood, but there are these flickers of the time from back before--when i had no real conception of the difference between boys and girls, and my baby brother and i shared a room. i distinctly remember being awake in the quietness of the night, my brother's round cheeks lit with the blue-white rays of the moon. i think i was around 4 years old at the time.
i remember thinking about how still it all was and wondered if anyone else in the world was awake. i enjoyed those moments of quiet. tip-toeing to the window to stare at the moon. but i also had ebbs and flows of unease about being alone in my consciousness.

this tendency to stare at the moon and speculate about any other awake, alert people in the world, has followed me throughout life. i've gazed at others who've slept, listened to their even breathing, and contemplated what dreams were unfolding and eddying about behind their closed eyelids. not two weeks ago, i was having these similar thoughts as i habitually fell asleep around 4am--usually right before the dawn touches the horizon.

it's strange because i was actually waking before the dawn my first week in Korea. there was that same stillness. that same cold light forming on the edges. the same pondering about waking people, but the silence was usually lightly cracked by the distant sound of a scooter or motorcycle. have i become a morning person?
(i haven't by the way.)

one morning, i moved slowly through the early morning shadows in my studio. i had an amazing sense of peace as i thought about how grateful i am about having food, having a bed, having my own kitchen, and all manner of those tangibles--those things that you forget to be thankful for with the busyness of life as an adult. i saw those things everyday, but... how to describe what happened this morning?
a translucent sheet was tugged slowly away from my eyes--so slowly that i didn't readily perceive it being pulled. and then things shifted into a kind of simplicity and clarity.

i heard something in between the beats of my languid blood and sleepiness.
people are beautiful. people are truly beautiful.

and i had these flashes of the people i love in my life--those that i love, those that i am beginning to love, all of those that are helping me to heal as we pour our lives into each other. some of these people don't even know that they're helping me to unfurl. i hate overstatement, but there was this inexplicable joy as i contemplated these people. Peter, Dave, Praise, Denise, my Umma, my Appa, SuJung, Dan, Danica, my Oppa, Cheryl, Lin, Cindy, Nina, Mia, Thad, and more. everyday there are more.

fuck-me boots and green ponys

so, in the midst of being in a foreign country with a billion new and confusing things to adjust to, i'm also feeling crazy and awkward and all kinds of insecure. i've forgotten what it means to be single, what it's like to feel attractive and desirable. you can be with someone for what seems like forever--and completely forget what life is like w/o them. i walked through life for 10 years of my youth--probably the "best" and prettiest years of my life--feeling unattractive and undesirable. boring. blue. blah.

God. i'm 29 years old and an emotional train wreck. even though my wounds have been healing and i'm feeling more and more like a person everyday, i know i'm still pretty fucked up. i'm a little too old and a little too smart to succumb to the temptation of hopping into the closest warm bed.
it sucks that i'm experienced enough in life to actually have to admit things like that to myself. that sleeping around will only temporarily repair and then destroy my self-esteem. that getting sexy and sweaty and eventually naked w/--whomever--will only leave me in ruins. and probably knocked up with some sticky sweet cocktail of STDS. but damnit! i'm also in my sexual prime w/o a partner. i haven't had sex in 6 months--albeit, pretty shitty sex, but still. sigh. unpacking all that is for another time... if ever.

so, that's all the bullshit background that i'm setting so that i can kinda explain away my ludicrous behavior last weekend. i know that i said that i would be saving the juiciness of the my first weekend in Seoul, but my second weekend was probably a little juicier and more worthy of story-telling.

as i mentioned…
i've been hyperstimulated and overwhelmed by all the new everything of being in this foreign country. sure i can speak my pidgin version of this language, but did you know that Korea has no sensible road system? there are "street names" but, no one goes by them. it's ridiculous. cab drivers aren't even privy to the names of the streets--it seems completely insane compared to the ordered gridwork of the Chicago street system. people around here go by landmarks. my first weekend here, we were meeting people in the middle of Hongdae (a neighborhood in Seoul) in front of the KFC.
no joke.

on Saturday night, we were in front of this KFC with hundreds of people milling around it--who were all meeting their respectives as well: cell ring ring.
where are you?
---
i'm in front of the KFC
---
you are? where are you i don't--oh! there you are!

like i said. it's an adjustment. it's bizarre.

anyway, i've been on shaky legs and w/o a cell phone--trying to understand the crazy bus system and the crazy streets and sophisticated subway system. as a kyopo (Korean foreign national) i knew i was at a serious advantage compared to the non-Korean foreigners. but i'm in a place of transition and confusion--born, raised, and educated for the past 29 years on the flatlands of good ol' Illinois, USA. i've been suddenly thrust into a cacophony of lights and high heels and silly looking hair-cuts. my friend Praise had been holding my hand for the past week, but she was out of town for the weekend, so i was really on my own--for the first time in this questionable, but amazing landscape.

i found myself in Myeong-Dong (shopping district) at 6pm on a Saturday night, having just parted ways w/ a super sweet Chinese Canadian chick i've met (Denise). a minor monster of worry was growling in my stomach.
ok. landmarks. think landmarks.

Denise and i had made tentative plans to go out to a club to celebrate a birthday around 10-11pm, but w/o a phone and only a small subway map in my pocket, i was intimidated to think that it would be possible to connect with her, much less figure out how to get home. so what did i do? i shopped. and shopped. and smoked and shopped in the street market. i enjoyed the bustle of people heading this way and that, eating dried octopus, dduk-booki, and a variety of meats on chopsticks.

suddenly it was 10pm and i hesitantly hopped on the subway to somehow meet Denise by the first carousel, five stops away. when i boarded the train, everyone was all up on everyone--packed in uncomfortably tight. people pressing up on me on all sides--but i was feeling very alone and unsure if i was heading in the right direction.

then i heard the Korean announcements over the loudspeaker and i realized:
hey, i can understand them. and... i can read the signs for the stops. whoa. this is just like the Chicago eL.
i'm telling you w/o hyperbole--i had a liberating sense of victorious independence.

it should be no surprise at this point that i connected with Denise and that we found our way to the club. like last week, we got into the club VIP, no cover. of course when we get inside, these Korean women are in all their plastic glory--perfect makeup, sexy boots, short skirts, long legs, intricate hair--and me in my jeans and sneakers.
damnit. fuck it. oh well. i'm really just out to have fun. being admired for my looks is gratifying, but obviously this is not my night for that.

so, we sat down, met some of the guys that paid for the table for the birthday girl, had a few shots, and then hit the dance floor. the music was loud, the dj was pretty good, and i threw my body into it like i always do. there is something so freeing and cathartic to move and sweat and just feel the beat in your limbs and feet. i know i was being stared at--i always am. it's either disgust or curiosity that compels them--but actually, neither sentiment bothers me. it's hard enough to enjoy life w/o having to worry about shit like that. it feels powerful and amazing to really feel the beat and move when you're feeling it in your bones.

so, i'm in the process of emerging from a place where i'm feeling unattractive and undesirable. dancing really pushes those negative feelings to the netherland of wherever those feelings go. it's exhilarating. probably a control thing--i know i can move and i know that no high-heeled sexy boots can substitute for feeling happy because i'm enjoying being me.

so, it all started off pretty appropriately--a so-so guy in a leather coat--who actually followed my lead and we had a ton of fun. that is, until he told me that he was attending the school i'm currently working at... and that his friend thought i was cute. i turned and saw a young 18-something boy shyly give me the head nod.
”i'm too old for him”
what? how old are you?
”uh. this conversation's over.”
i danced away. then took a break.

the next time i was stomping and twirling on the floor, i felt someone behind me tentatively take my hips and move w/ me. i turned my head to peek and make sure he was at least semi-attractive. tall, kinda cute--sure, i'm superficial, but i'm trying to repair my self-esteem here, you know?
he was pulling me kinda close, holding my hand, pressing his body against mine--and it felt nice. the warmth. the hard muscles. i'm in my green Ponys, but he still wanted me. i could feel him on my back.
but inevitably it was only some physical chemistry, because when i began talking to him and only Korean words exited his mouth, i decided i wasn't up for the challenge.
broken Korean: “i'm going to go find my friends.”

the last time i got back on the floor, i was moving and swinging and swaying when i felt someone firmly grab my waist and pull me towards him. again, i had to check him out--nice body, why not face--sure, i'll dance with you.
our bodies moved in pretty good rhythm and he was able to keep up better than the other two. but his hands felt--possessive somehow, as they moved around my waist and stomach. i was definitely reveling in the feeling of his tight grip as he pressed me close--feeling a little dirty dumb, but damnit--he was making me feel desired and hot. i got into it.
he swung me around and said in Korean: face me--dance facing me
he kept on trying to wrap my arms around his neck, which i just wasn't going to do. my arms limply draped over his shoulders when he began gyrating really persistently against me. i began laughing and laughing and he began whooping in my face. i couldn't stop giggling, but he kept on moving against my body, his hands rubbing against the small of my back trying to force my breasts against his chest. he kissed my forehead a few times and i laughed even more because i knew how salty sweaty i was.
”too close.” i giggled incredulously and kept on saying. “too close”.
he finally released me but spun me and pulled me back into his chest. as we moved again, i could feel his hands moving up my sides and towards my breasts. i swatted his hands several times, but then i felt his hands on my bare stomach. i wish i could say that i just left him on the dance floor at that point, but it felt really good to have his hands touch my body in that way.
i didn't allow him to keep on keeping on all over my body, but i still danced with him. when i finally felt gratified enough by the whole situation to walk away, i high-fived him for good measure, and then left him with his friends.

i went back to the table and waited for my friends. i laid down on the u-shaped couch, lit a smoke, and then tapped my foot to the beat. i was ready for the night to be over. ___, the guy who paid for the table, slid next to me. now, there's a little back-story to this guy.
hours earlier, as soon as we showed up to the club, he slid really close and swung his arm around me.
”uh. hello. what's your name?”
___. what's your name? where you from?
”Mary. from Chicago. i've been in Seoul for 8 days now.”
welcome to Seoul!
i blandly noticed that he was all over the birthday girl and kissed Denise's ear during a photo-opp.
later, during one of my breaks from the dance floor, he came up behind me and we danced a little. he was dancing a little inappropriately close, but i didn't really mind until i had to say:
”get your hand off my ass.”
to which he politely obliged.

so, i was unsure what he was thinking when he came to sit by me. he kissed my sweaty forehead.
”how many girls have you been kissing on tonight?” his lips moved against my cheek and towards my lips. his lips were really soft and felt amazing on my skin.
just one

but i squirmed. i don't even know what i said. i had a million thoughts flash through my mind. not guilt or disgust or anything like that. mainly confusion and a little insecurity in the brain fluid mix: what? is he hitting on me? why would he be hitting on me? there are dozens and dozens of pretty girls around here. why me?
i think my confusion protected me from fumbling kisses and who-knows-what, that would be exposed in the light of the day. but after i rejected him, i began to regret it. slightly. soft lips. sweet objectification.

ah. but a dime for a dozen.

and so ended my second Saturday night in Seoul.

1st post in the Motherland

i don't even know where to begin. so, i'll just begin where i'm sitting: in my own studio.
i have my own bed.
my own "kitchenette".
my computer is sitting on my own desk.
in the Motherland.

God. it feels really great to have my own bed again.
being unemployed, homeless, and sleeping on a couch sucked a little after the first few weeks. not that i'm complaining. i had the most supportive, random-laidback, and loving roomies a gal could ever wish for. but there's a kind of confusion sets in when you miss 1/2 the day b/c you'd been going to bed around 4am every night.

it was really disconcerting to daily wake to the late morning sun with no particular thing to do, and no particular place to go. maybe i'm not enough of a free spirit/something--whatever that means. i know how dumb it might sound to say how taxing it is to do nothing--but it really was/is for me--not sure where to place that in time.
and i had a sore back constantly reminding me that i was sleeping on that wonderfully squishy couch. and then it got cold--really cold. like three blankets cold. every night my body was snuggled fetal position under heavy blankets. but my face was frozen--as were my fingers that were curled around whatever book i was into. i could practically see my breath.
i can't believe that was only about a week ago.

so, i'm in Korea: where the weather's slightly milder than Chicago, the lights are blurry flashy bright, and you can buy some of the yummiest food served on the street, on a plastic plate that is wrapped in a plastic bag.



*part of an email:
it's been an amazing AMAZING adventure already. things are so different out here. i really needed to decompress and just figure out how to do life again. and in so many ways, i have... i lost a lot of things about myself, but i'm beginning to rediscover them--and feeling pretty good about it. beginning to feel like i'm waking up from a bad dream and remembering how happy and excited i can be, just by being alive.
**

yesterday, in the midst of wondering about the intricacies of the Korean culture and figuring i was misstepping @ every turn, i cracked a dozen jokes w/ my new bosses and lit up a smoke:

"so i've noticed that women in Korea don't really smoke, huh?"
no, not really
"but there are a lot of men that smoke" flicking ash. big smile.
yeah yeah. that's true.
"well. i quit about 8 years ago, but i started again about 6 months ago."
oh really? what happened 6 months ago?
"a lot of crazy things." change topic. "this city's amazing. it's really busy and there seems like there's so much going on ~everywhere~ all the time."
yes. it's really busy. what did you do last weekend?
"oh, we just went out. we went to a bar in Sinchon on Friday, and then went dancing in Hongdae on Saturday. it was pretty wild. i love dancing. i really had a lot of fun. but i don't want to be too crazy while i'm here. i mean, i'm planning to quit smoking before i'm 30."
oh! when are you going to be 30?
"next month. the 20th."
oh. what're you going to drink when you're 30? semi-weird question.
"hmmm. i don't know... i know that it's a pretty party atmosphere, but like i said, i really don't want to get too overboard while i'm out here. i'm trying to keep my wits about me."
that's what your friend said when she got out here.
"really? i don't know. she's said that she's been keeping it pretty low key since she's been here."

well. i know i haven't been keeping to too low key so far. but everything has felt like chaos for the last 6 days.
the cacophony of the first night after 21 hours of traveling, 42 hours of sleeplessness, and then running out to a restaurant with the shouting, running, jovial waiters--herking and jerking around the room. yelling, smoking, and stirring up this amazing feast on the burner in the middle of our table. dahk-bulgogi and noodles and veggies and Go-cho-jang and beer and lots of bahn-chan. we were all wearing bibs around a tiny table bursting w/ food.
it really felt like some kind of ridiculous dream.



and then the cacophony of the next night. Saturday... but i'm sleepy and want give justice to those juicy tangerine bits for the next blog. maybe.

i know that this blog probably makes absolutely no kind of sense to anyone but me, but this is how i've been feeling today.