i'll be on a *vacation* in less than 24 hours.
i haven't traveled/taken a real break since my trip to Ireland in May, and the pressures from work and my apparently over-active social life has made me distinctly ready to 'watch the world go by' w/ NO demands from overly-needy-everyone. i plan to fade into the scenery as an anonymous nobody w/ my nose in a beach read--(it's pretty embarrassing what simple book i've chosen for my travels.)
how has life gotten like this? so over crowded and demanding? this was apparently my choice, i suppose, but i resent my position, nonetheless.
i just got a call from an acquaintance about a hair salon disaster. when did i become *that* person for this acquaintance? what did i put out there that made her think that i was the one for her to commiserate w/? not that i've got a serious problem w/ this, but sometimes i want to blast Madonna's Immaculate Collection into my ears while riding the bus, undisturbed.
i'm so tired. i love people, but i feel drained. i feel selfish as shit for saying this stuff, but maybe that's why i clearly need a vacation.
holy shit. i can hear someone weeping loudly down the hallway (sounds like a break-up cry) and my heart aches like i should make sure she's not suicidal.
(i've got a problem. but is it a problem to be concerned? i didn't respond one time--to egregious ends. hell. what do you do?)
i need to get the hell outta this country for a minute.
or is it getting the hell outta my head?
Friday, November 20, 2009
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
the frustrations of Single life
so, my blogging is going to be sporadic b/c i'm going to be working on my book, however, taking this little break has reminded me that i need to keep writing here--taking much more than a week off of blogging leaves me unsettled and uncomfortably... full of *something*. i've been treating this blog as a journal, and i've found that not writing here causes me to spew my bad stuff all over people--something that isn't healthy.
so, here is a new, differently painted leaf.
i don't know how many dates i've gone on in the past two months--i think there's been about--5-6 men involved? it's odd. i have no true idea why i've been getting so many propositions.
but, here's one hypothesis:
about two months back, i suddenly decided that i was tired of feeling hung up on men. i just wanted to be free to do what i wanted--i've mentioned this. i just want to be single. this revelation manifested itself in many things: i really threw myself into my friendships and have had many many wonderful moments of closeness w/ new girlfriends--people i want to be friends w/ until i die.
i got involved in a local production where i acted in a few skits that were written by local writers. i participated w/ a fun group of people to do the 48 Hour Film Project--an international contest to complete a film w/in the space of 48 hours.
the realization of liking singlehood gave me the impetus to begin writing my book. every moment of my time was occupied, and frankly i was a little exhausted. exhausted but happy. it would've been ridiculous to complain.
i got involved in a local production where i acted in a few skits that were written by local writers. i participated w/ a fun group of people to do the 48 Hour Film Project--an international contest to complete a film w/in the space of 48 hours.
the realization of liking singlehood gave me the impetus to begin writing my book. every moment of my time was occupied, and frankly i was a little exhausted. exhausted but happy. it would've been ridiculous to complain.
however, amidst this swirling activity, there was man after man asking for my hand in dating. i have the feeling that the "i'm single" pheromones were coming out of my pores. i felt comfortable making myself pretty--just for me and i knew that i would keep things casual--w/... whomever. i figured that it might be a humorous experience i would be willing to engage in.
"Mary. honestly. you're going to end up hating it."
"why? what's so awful about it?""all of those 'getting to know you' conversations. it sucks--you just get tired of doing all of that after a while."
"i don't know. i wouldn't know. i haven't dated for a decade.""well, you're not going to really know how bad it is unless you do it."
"it honestly sounds like fun @ this point.""trust me, you'll remember we had this conversation."
it's come up on a few of these 'dates'. sometimes i mentioned being an ex-wife b/c i hoped it would turn him off. but actually, i've found a surprising lack of judgmentalism regarding this issue. or maybe they just wanted to get into my skirt? i know. i'm really jaded, but i'm also not stupid.
dates were kind of fun @ first: he would by me dinner, pay me some compliments, look attentive while i told stories, sometimes try to make a move... but inevitably, things like this get complicated.
"Mary, you're pretty, you're smart, you're interesting, you're funny--you'll begin to have to explain why you can't keep dating them."
"again, i can't imagine that happening. you've dated people for forever. and you're pretty, smart, et cetera et ceterta... and anyway, are you saying that they'll all want to turn it into something more serious?""this is what i've found. for some reason, the guys are usually more interested than the girl."
"huh."
"at least this is the case w/ me and my girlfriends. but anyway, you will encounter these conversations."
"and? so what do you say?"
"i've learned that i have to make it about me."
"hahahaha! you mean the 'i'm the fucked up one. you don't want to be w/ someone like me' line?"
"precisely."
it began to get exhausting to go on these dates. i remembered how to play the "game" and it surprised me how naturally adept i was at it. there was one interesting man--maybe two--but i never had a strong enough interest to keep on playing. not every man wanted to yank me into his world, but i found that it was *me* choosing to tone down the engagement. i still got texts and messages to go out to spend time w/ him and him and that other guy, but i truthfully regaled them w/ tales of my busyness and they generally backed down.
that is, until the Korean guy. now, there were two Korean men in this messy dating mix. the first one i had met while he was dating a girl--so i thought it was safe to go meet him. but, he surprised me w/ the news that he had just broken up w/ her when he met me for our first coffee. interesting.
i didn't want anything to do w/ that--shady shady. though it's too bad b/c he was pretty cute and smart and funny, despite the linguistic barriers.
J, the Korean guy i'm referring to, is the one that i'm currently avoiding on IM and acting pretty bitchy to when he calls. he is such a nice guy. smart, sweet, looks to have a stable future, really wants to take care of me, is at my every beck and call--even when i don't want him to be. in some ways, this reminded me of my ex-husband's attentiveness, though Chris really got me in way more ways than this Korean.
J and i met about 4 months ago on a group outing. he had asked for my number about 2 months after we had met, but didn't really call/text me, at first. he would drop me a text about once a week or call me to talk for about 3 minutes. it was a little weird/confusing, but i didn't think much of it. it was nice to just have a guy who just wanted friendship.
then, our conversations got deeper, and i found it somewhat enjoyable to converse w/ him in the mother tongue. about a month ago, he called me while i was out on a date w/ another whomever.
"what are you doing?"
"i'm out for wine w/ a friend."
"who?"
"you don't know him."
"how come you never ask me to go out for wine?"
"what do you mean? you never ask me out for wine."
"you always seems so busy."
"well, look--i'm going out for coffee w/ Val and Art tomorrow. do you want to join us?"
"yes."
we made quick plans and then i smiled and laughed and sipped wine w/ another man. the next day, i met J before meeting our mutual friends b/c the plans got too complicated. our conversation was getting pretty deep when Val and Art showed up. the 4 of us had to dial it back to more casual matters b/c of the linguistic issues. when we were ready to call it a night, J offered to walk me towards my home. given that he was pretty good company for the evening, and neither of us were tired, i consented.
we walked and walked and talked and talked. i told him about some of my dating misadventures b/c i felt confident that we were *just* friends. he had given me no indication that he was interested in me in more than that. until:
"i'm getting really tired of dating, J."
"why?"
"i don't know. guys all suck and they only really want to sleep w/ me."
"i don't suck," he reached for my hand.
i hit him hard and laughed, "stop joking w/ me."
he didn't try to do it again, so my alarm bells were silenced. but then, he missed the last subway b/c of our walk. i felt bad b/c he had been gentlemanly enough to walk me home, so i told him he could crash on my floor.
of course, as much of a gentleman that he was, he saw his opportunity and well, i'm weak. there was just some making out and inappropriateness of that sort. he left early the next morning b/c i told him i couldn't sleep and i had a full week of work ahead of me.
i got up groggily the next morning b/c of the lack of REM. there was some chagrin and slight regret. i'll just apologize. he's a nice enough guy. we can still just be friends. i hopped in the shower, washed off the weekend and thought about my upcoming week. as i stepped out of the shower, my phone rang.
"uh. hello?"
"did you get up ok? will you be late to work?"
"oh, yeah. listen J, we need to talk. i don't feel right about last night."
"no. don't worry about it."
"well, i still think we need to talk. can you find me on the Net today? IM w/ me?"
"yes. let's talk. make sure you get to work on time."
"uh, i know J. i'm an adult. you don't need to tell me that."
"i just want to make sure you do."
"ok ok. later." i shut off my phone and checked the time. what? he called me twice and texted me while i was in the shower? what the...?
and then, there were a ridiculous number of text messages and repeated IMs for the next 48 hours. in between an audition and the last subway train, i met him to 'break up' w/ him.
"look. you don't want to be w/ a girl like me. i'm dating about 2-3 other guys right now and i don't want to make you number 4."
"that's ok w/ me."
"what's ok? that i'm dating other men?--probably kissing other men?"
"yes. just look @ me as one of the contenders."
"no. listen. i really like you as a friend. i don't want to end up hurting you."
"you won't hurt me. i'm really thick skinned."
"seriously. there will be hurt feelings."
"i'm promising you there won't be."
"please J. there are already hurt feelings."
"my feelings aren't hurt."
"but it hurts me to have to have this conversation w/ you."
"i promise you that no matter what happens, we'll be able to stay friends."
"you're promising me?"
"yes."
"ok. then let's stay friends."
"ok ok. we're friends."
i wish i could say that the story ended here--w/ an awesome friendship w/ a sweetie pie Korean guy. but he kept on texting me and IMing me. he checked in about daily matters like: did you eat lunch? dinner? was it good? are you feeling tired today? why are you tired?
this sounds crazy, i know, but i've discovered that this is Korean dating culture. J was being extraordinarily attentive and showing me the kind of care that he assumed that i would want in a boyfriend. at first, i was a little charmed by his persistence. i thought after enough rejections he would back down and turn into a flirtatious friend. this resulted in another moment of weakness on my part--which i ended up regretting for days. i regret it even today.
"look, J. i like being single, ok? i like you as a friend, but i can't date you."
"that can change. let's just spend time together."
" i'm in a fucked up place. obviously. i don't want want more than friendship."
"stop calling yourself fucked up. you're fine. just move forward."
"i'm trying to. i just want to make sure that there are no misunderstandings between us."
"stop bringing it up."
"stop bringing what up?"
"stop talking about how you're not interested in a relationship w/ me. i know i know. i understand."
"i'm just afraid that you're not really getting it."
"i do i do! stop bringing it up."
"what??! so you're allowed to say that our relationship has potential to change into something else but i'm not allowed to respond to that?" that shut him up.
this saga has been exhausting to deal w/ and think through for the past month. J is a great guy. he's smart, caring, and would treat me like a queen. i have gotten confused looks from my co-worker for whom this sounds like a dream-come-true. but i'm way too complicated and he's way too simple. and when there's none of that exciting chemistry, why?
there should be some of that heart quickening adrenaline at the nascency of a relationship. no lack of conversational topics. nights that turn into dawn b/c you're so into being awake next to each other.
though i had been saying that i liked being single, this situation w/ J has given me concrete reasons for why a futureless relationship is simply a waste of time. i've got things to do and friendships to really invest in. and let me crass enough to say--i can get my physical needs filled by kissing random boys. there is really no lack of them here in Seoul, Korea. i know. i lack maturity in this department. i just have more important matters to attend to.
that is, until the Korean guy. now, there were two Korean men in this messy dating mix. the first one i had met while he was dating a girl--so i thought it was safe to go meet him. but, he surprised me w/ the news that he had just broken up w/ her when he met me for our first coffee. interesting.
i didn't want anything to do w/ that--shady shady. though it's too bad b/c he was pretty cute and smart and funny, despite the linguistic barriers.
J, the Korean guy i'm referring to, is the one that i'm currently avoiding on IM and acting pretty bitchy to when he calls. he is such a nice guy. smart, sweet, looks to have a stable future, really wants to take care of me, is at my every beck and call--even when i don't want him to be. in some ways, this reminded me of my ex-husband's attentiveness, though Chris really got me in way more ways than this Korean.
J and i met about 4 months ago on a group outing. he had asked for my number about 2 months after we had met, but didn't really call/text me, at first. he would drop me a text about once a week or call me to talk for about 3 minutes. it was a little weird/confusing, but i didn't think much of it. it was nice to just have a guy who just wanted friendship.
then, our conversations got deeper, and i found it somewhat enjoyable to converse w/ him in the mother tongue. about a month ago, he called me while i was out on a date w/ another whomever.
"what are you doing?"
"i'm out for wine w/ a friend."
"who?"
"you don't know him."
"how come you never ask me to go out for wine?"
"what do you mean? you never ask me out for wine."
"you always seems so busy."
"well, look--i'm going out for coffee w/ Val and Art tomorrow. do you want to join us?"
"yes."
we made quick plans and then i smiled and laughed and sipped wine w/ another man. the next day, i met J before meeting our mutual friends b/c the plans got too complicated. our conversation was getting pretty deep when Val and Art showed up. the 4 of us had to dial it back to more casual matters b/c of the linguistic issues. when we were ready to call it a night, J offered to walk me towards my home. given that he was pretty good company for the evening, and neither of us were tired, i consented.
we walked and walked and talked and talked. i told him about some of my dating misadventures b/c i felt confident that we were *just* friends. he had given me no indication that he was interested in me in more than that. until:
"i'm getting really tired of dating, J."
"why?"
"i don't know. guys all suck and they only really want to sleep w/ me."
"i don't suck," he reached for my hand.
i hit him hard and laughed, "stop joking w/ me."
he didn't try to do it again, so my alarm bells were silenced. but then, he missed the last subway b/c of our walk. i felt bad b/c he had been gentlemanly enough to walk me home, so i told him he could crash on my floor.
of course, as much of a gentleman that he was, he saw his opportunity and well, i'm weak. there was just some making out and inappropriateness of that sort. he left early the next morning b/c i told him i couldn't sleep and i had a full week of work ahead of me.
i got up groggily the next morning b/c of the lack of REM. there was some chagrin and slight regret. i'll just apologize. he's a nice enough guy. we can still just be friends. i hopped in the shower, washed off the weekend and thought about my upcoming week. as i stepped out of the shower, my phone rang.
"uh. hello?"
"did you get up ok? will you be late to work?"
"oh, yeah. listen J, we need to talk. i don't feel right about last night."
"no. don't worry about it."
"well, i still think we need to talk. can you find me on the Net today? IM w/ me?"
"yes. let's talk. make sure you get to work on time."
"uh, i know J. i'm an adult. you don't need to tell me that."
"i just want to make sure you do."
"ok ok. later." i shut off my phone and checked the time. what? he called me twice and texted me while i was in the shower? what the...?
and then, there were a ridiculous number of text messages and repeated IMs for the next 48 hours. in between an audition and the last subway train, i met him to 'break up' w/ him.
"look. you don't want to be w/ a girl like me. i'm dating about 2-3 other guys right now and i don't want to make you number 4."
"that's ok w/ me."
"what's ok? that i'm dating other men?--probably kissing other men?"
"yes. just look @ me as one of the contenders."
"no. listen. i really like you as a friend. i don't want to end up hurting you."
"you won't hurt me. i'm really thick skinned."
"seriously. there will be hurt feelings."
"i'm promising you there won't be."
"please J. there are already hurt feelings."
"my feelings aren't hurt."
"but it hurts me to have to have this conversation w/ you."
"i promise you that no matter what happens, we'll be able to stay friends."
"you're promising me?"
"yes."
"ok. then let's stay friends."
"ok ok. we're friends."
i wish i could say that the story ended here--w/ an awesome friendship w/ a sweetie pie Korean guy. but he kept on texting me and IMing me. he checked in about daily matters like: did you eat lunch? dinner? was it good? are you feeling tired today? why are you tired?
this sounds crazy, i know, but i've discovered that this is Korean dating culture. J was being extraordinarily attentive and showing me the kind of care that he assumed that i would want in a boyfriend. at first, i was a little charmed by his persistence. i thought after enough rejections he would back down and turn into a flirtatious friend. this resulted in another moment of weakness on my part--which i ended up regretting for days. i regret it even today.
"look, J. i like being single, ok? i like you as a friend, but i can't date you."
"that can change. let's just spend time together."
" i'm in a fucked up place. obviously. i don't want want more than friendship."
"stop calling yourself fucked up. you're fine. just move forward."
"i'm trying to. i just want to make sure that there are no misunderstandings between us."
"stop bringing it up."
"stop bringing what up?"
"stop talking about how you're not interested in a relationship w/ me. i know i know. i understand."
"i'm just afraid that you're not really getting it."
"i do i do! stop bringing it up."
"what??! so you're allowed to say that our relationship has potential to change into something else but i'm not allowed to respond to that?" that shut him up.
this saga has been exhausting to deal w/ and think through for the past month. J is a great guy. he's smart, caring, and would treat me like a queen. i have gotten confused looks from my co-worker for whom this sounds like a dream-come-true. but i'm way too complicated and he's way too simple. and when there's none of that exciting chemistry, why?
there should be some of that heart quickening adrenaline at the nascency of a relationship. no lack of conversational topics. nights that turn into dawn b/c you're so into being awake next to each other.
though i had been saying that i liked being single, this situation w/ J has given me concrete reasons for why a futureless relationship is simply a waste of time. i've got things to do and friendships to really invest in. and let me crass enough to say--i can get my physical needs filled by kissing random boys. there is really no lack of them here in Seoul, Korea. i know. i lack maturity in this department. i just have more important matters to attend to.
Monday, October 12, 2009
hiatus
this'll be a messy blog entry--i'm not even going to edit.
i've printed out my blog and it's over 200 pages of text. insane. anyway, in the past two weeks i've gone and begun reading about all the craziness and have finally formulated an idea of what i'm writing and where it's going to end.
so, for those of you who keep up w/ what i'm writing, i'll let you know when i'm starting back up--i imagine in about 2 weeks from now.
it was extraordinarily exciting to read and read and read the stuff i've written this year. it's incredible the insanity have i've gone thru from the emotional to the situational. i realize so much more about myself and have come to a strange sense of philosophy about why i'm on this earth. finally. i think that this is why i can start this book--b/c now i've figured *something* out, no matter how paltry.
some missteps and mistakes to record for today. it took me a ridiculous situation w/ a Korean boy, who had one of the sweetest of dispositions (tho he stalked me a little) to fully fully get to the point of feeling settled in my singlehood.
i don't want to hurt nice boys. and i don't want to be hurt either. this will definitely happen if i engage w/ any of them right now. particularly if they aren't longer-term material (which would also frighten me).
and hell! i don't want to have to answer to anyone right now. i love the freedom of being involved in all of the activities i'm involved in and meeting different people every night. i'm investing in some new and wonderful friendships (tho i won't be able to keep pace forever... it is burning me out a little). i don't have to feel bad that i'm leaving anyone behind @ home--as i did w/ my ex-husband.
last week, over smokes and crisp Fall weather, i said to Praise: you know, i'm really happy these days. i know i've done some stupid and crazy shit in the past few months, but i am actually beginning to feel more stable.
pause. thoughtful look @ the curling smoke from her cigarette: "i can see that you're actually happy. a few months ago, you were saying the same thing--and emotionally, you seemed happy in the moment, but you were subject to be shaken by an awful thought or memory. today, you're actually doing it. it seems like you're getting your identity together and doing things that you want to do."
i feel like i'm chasing myself down. and finally figuring out who that is and who that is not.
this is a spoiler for the end of my book.
today, i'm really living happy.
i've printed out my blog and it's over 200 pages of text. insane. anyway, in the past two weeks i've gone and begun reading about all the craziness and have finally formulated an idea of what i'm writing and where it's going to end.
so, for those of you who keep up w/ what i'm writing, i'll let you know when i'm starting back up--i imagine in about 2 weeks from now.
it was extraordinarily exciting to read and read and read the stuff i've written this year. it's incredible the insanity have i've gone thru from the emotional to the situational. i realize so much more about myself and have come to a strange sense of philosophy about why i'm on this earth. finally. i think that this is why i can start this book--b/c now i've figured *something* out, no matter how paltry.
some missteps and mistakes to record for today. it took me a ridiculous situation w/ a Korean boy, who had one of the sweetest of dispositions (tho he stalked me a little) to fully fully get to the point of feeling settled in my singlehood.
i don't want to hurt nice boys. and i don't want to be hurt either. this will definitely happen if i engage w/ any of them right now. particularly if they aren't longer-term material (which would also frighten me).
and hell! i don't want to have to answer to anyone right now. i love the freedom of being involved in all of the activities i'm involved in and meeting different people every night. i'm investing in some new and wonderful friendships (tho i won't be able to keep pace forever... it is burning me out a little). i don't have to feel bad that i'm leaving anyone behind @ home--as i did w/ my ex-husband.
last week, over smokes and crisp Fall weather, i said to Praise: you know, i'm really happy these days. i know i've done some stupid and crazy shit in the past few months, but i am actually beginning to feel more stable.
pause. thoughtful look @ the curling smoke from her cigarette: "i can see that you're actually happy. a few months ago, you were saying the same thing--and emotionally, you seemed happy in the moment, but you were subject to be shaken by an awful thought or memory. today, you're actually doing it. it seems like you're getting your identity together and doing things that you want to do."
i feel like i'm chasing myself down. and finally figuring out who that is and who that is not.
this is a spoiler for the end of my book.
today, i'm really living happy.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
pressing reset. again.
hrumph. well, again. another 72 hours, another sordid story about the problematic choices one might make when muddling through the murky waters of this adult life.
i'm not feeling annoyed w/ myself, though maybe i should. it's mysterious how one falls into these same cycles. i feel like i'm making the same kinds of decisions i made 10 years go.
though i am older and wiser and can have a better perspective about myself as a single woman in this soju soaked city, i desperately need to find better, healthier outlets for myself.
the last handful of times i've gone out, i've been propositioned to go to a motel or go home by @ least one or two men. i find this very mysterious for several reasons.
i am certainly not the prettiest thing in the world, nor do i dress in an overly sexual manner. if anything, i've taken to the baggier style of Korean dress that hides my body, rather than flaunts it. i have no idea what i'm putting out there that would intimate that i would have any sort of interest in a slutty night of gratification.
of course, i have not gone home w/ any of these lackluster men, despite the fact that they are often pretty good-looking and have sometimes been charming up until the point that this request exits their mouths.
when i was single, a decade back, i don't remember the scene to be so crass. i did go home w/ different men, or had them over @ my place, but i never actually slept w/ any of them. but, i remember how dirty that film of misguided decisions felt. there was the paradoxical feeling of wanting them to stay and wanting them to get the hell out of my face. there were actually a few that wanted to continue the relationships after the sun came back up, but i was always too disgusted w/ myself--and them, to want to.
i've been extemporizing about how i like single life and the wonderful things that come along w/ it. however, swimming against the current of this swirling drain isn't easy, particularly after you've allowed yourself to idle towards the middle. it's twice as much work to get back to the edge of the sink and pull yourself out.
let me ennumerate the pros of singlehood so i don't forget:
i'm investing in myself (hiking, acting, writing, reading, smiling)
i'm investing in others--new friends, new activities, funfunfun
i like myself and my emotions aren't so erratic when i'm single
i can do whatever the hell i want, whenever the hell i want, and i answer to *nobody*
my self is getting better rounded and developed
i'm crying less and laughing a whole lot more
this appears to be a no-brainer.
i hope i don't prove myself to be a dog returning to its vomit.
i'm not feeling annoyed w/ myself, though maybe i should. it's mysterious how one falls into these same cycles. i feel like i'm making the same kinds of decisions i made 10 years go.
though i am older and wiser and can have a better perspective about myself as a single woman in this soju soaked city, i desperately need to find better, healthier outlets for myself.
the last handful of times i've gone out, i've been propositioned to go to a motel or go home by @ least one or two men. i find this very mysterious for several reasons.
i am certainly not the prettiest thing in the world, nor do i dress in an overly sexual manner. if anything, i've taken to the baggier style of Korean dress that hides my body, rather than flaunts it. i have no idea what i'm putting out there that would intimate that i would have any sort of interest in a slutty night of gratification.
of course, i have not gone home w/ any of these lackluster men, despite the fact that they are often pretty good-looking and have sometimes been charming up until the point that this request exits their mouths.
when i was single, a decade back, i don't remember the scene to be so crass. i did go home w/ different men, or had them over @ my place, but i never actually slept w/ any of them. but, i remember how dirty that film of misguided decisions felt. there was the paradoxical feeling of wanting them to stay and wanting them to get the hell out of my face. there were actually a few that wanted to continue the relationships after the sun came back up, but i was always too disgusted w/ myself--and them, to want to.
i've been extemporizing about how i like single life and the wonderful things that come along w/ it. however, swimming against the current of this swirling drain isn't easy, particularly after you've allowed yourself to idle towards the middle. it's twice as much work to get back to the edge of the sink and pull yourself out.
let me ennumerate the pros of singlehood so i don't forget:
i'm investing in myself (hiking, acting, writing, reading, smiling)
i'm investing in others--new friends, new activities, funfunfun
i like myself and my emotions aren't so erratic when i'm single
i can do whatever the hell i want, whenever the hell i want, and i answer to *nobody*
my self is getting better rounded and developed
i'm crying less and laughing a whole lot more
this appears to be a no-brainer.
i hope i don't prove myself to be a dog returning to its vomit.
Monday, September 14, 2009
reflections after a weekend
many many things can happen in the space of 72 hours.
i am certainly a fallible creature and have been shaking my head about my indiscretions over the past weekend. however, i made some good decisions--well, one in particular. it did not cancel out the host of slightly unhealthy decisions that i had made, but it didn't turn a scandalous decision into a colossal, tragic mistake. i promised myself in the past year that i *wouldn't* such-and-such, and for once, i did not.
whew. maybe i'm growing a little? possible.
so, this time around, after having stumbled and made a few errors, i won't fall into the self-deprecating annoyance that i always fall into. this is new. this is good.
anyway, enough w/ the veiled comments--i know how irritating it must be to read enigmatic statements about scandal w/o a more thorough description. i've just realized that maybe i need to keep some of this stuff to myself, lest i remind myself how often i fall into the same muddy pit.
what's the use of endlessly recounting what that dirty stain looks like? i need to record those stories in a more appropriate forum--maybe in the tell-all book about what my life has been like, about, etc from before and in the last year. (who would read about this? who knows? me?)
but, it's been quite an amazing year, and i'm excited about where i'm at. i feel *good*.
about a week ago, i was talking w/ a friend about some of the above (and below) thoughts. she marveled that it has only been a little over a year since my life was fucking shattered and splintered into an unknowable mess. i've had a many highs and many many lows during that period. but i finally feel that i have hit an equilibrium. i feel that i've settled down a lot w/ myself and where i'm at--in geography and in life.
i think i've discovered that i'm a likable person?
not perfect by any means, but i like to laugh and hear people's stories and make people happy. i think i'm pretty good at forming real bonds and connections w/ anyone who's amenable to that.
although, meeting people in Korea has been somewhat difficult.
the ex-pats are super young or like to party a little too hard (which i'm prone to slip into if i'm not careful). bottom line, there's just not a commonality of interests and these kids are just at a different place in life. i've been there and i didn't like it. i was fairly discontent and didn't actively pursue things. i'm still working on that, but i'm beginning to find things that i absolutely love to do.
so, how to find the 'quality' of people that there is a commonality of interests and like-mindedness? i think that there really isn't a formula. i think it's simply--just get out there as *much* as possible. try everything. taste touch feel smell fumble around with everything.
i was doing this for the past few months (when i wasn't busy w/ everything else). most people actually sucked pretty bad, but, eventually i met a soulmate here and there. finding people who match w/ you that you can really connect w/ is an incredible blessing and feat. it only comes w/ time and patience.
i've also realized how much i love hiking. i love the burn of my muscles and the sweat that forms on my body and face. i love looking at landscapes from high above and seeing how enormous, yet how strangely small the world is. this feels good. it feels healthy.
i also love singlehood, though my body resists this. i love not having to answer to anyone. i'm running out to meet people almost every night this week and weekend--(admittedly, this is a little exhausting)--but i'm investing in people i'm actually interested in. i can do whatever i damn well please. i love that i can stay out until any hour i feel like, and then crash at a jimjilbahng in the middle of the early morning hours. i'm accountable only to myself, and now that i'm beginning to like myself, this too feels good and healthy.
though there is the other side of it.
one of the things i miss most about being w/ a significant other is the time spent around sleep. falling asleep while being pulled in close; an arm around my body. then being awoken to warm kisses on my neck.
being touched is nice. after having tasted it a few times of late, my body craves the closeness.
but is it worth losing this newfound freedom?
i am certainly a fallible creature and have been shaking my head about my indiscretions over the past weekend. however, i made some good decisions--well, one in particular. it did not cancel out the host of slightly unhealthy decisions that i had made, but it didn't turn a scandalous decision into a colossal, tragic mistake. i promised myself in the past year that i *wouldn't* such-and-such, and for once, i did not.
whew. maybe i'm growing a little? possible.
so, this time around, after having stumbled and made a few errors, i won't fall into the self-deprecating annoyance that i always fall into. this is new. this is good.
anyway, enough w/ the veiled comments--i know how irritating it must be to read enigmatic statements about scandal w/o a more thorough description. i've just realized that maybe i need to keep some of this stuff to myself, lest i remind myself how often i fall into the same muddy pit.
what's the use of endlessly recounting what that dirty stain looks like? i need to record those stories in a more appropriate forum--maybe in the tell-all book about what my life has been like, about, etc from before and in the last year. (who would read about this? who knows? me?)
but, it's been quite an amazing year, and i'm excited about where i'm at. i feel *good*.
about a week ago, i was talking w/ a friend about some of the above (and below) thoughts. she marveled that it has only been a little over a year since my life was fucking shattered and splintered into an unknowable mess. i've had a many highs and many many lows during that period. but i finally feel that i have hit an equilibrium. i feel that i've settled down a lot w/ myself and where i'm at--in geography and in life.
i think i've discovered that i'm a likable person?
not perfect by any means, but i like to laugh and hear people's stories and make people happy. i think i'm pretty good at forming real bonds and connections w/ anyone who's amenable to that.
although, meeting people in Korea has been somewhat difficult.
the ex-pats are super young or like to party a little too hard (which i'm prone to slip into if i'm not careful). bottom line, there's just not a commonality of interests and these kids are just at a different place in life. i've been there and i didn't like it. i was fairly discontent and didn't actively pursue things. i'm still working on that, but i'm beginning to find things that i absolutely love to do.
so, how to find the 'quality' of people that there is a commonality of interests and like-mindedness? i think that there really isn't a formula. i think it's simply--just get out there as *much* as possible. try everything. taste touch feel smell fumble around with everything.
i was doing this for the past few months (when i wasn't busy w/ everything else). most people actually sucked pretty bad, but, eventually i met a soulmate here and there. finding people who match w/ you that you can really connect w/ is an incredible blessing and feat. it only comes w/ time and patience.
i've also realized how much i love hiking. i love the burn of my muscles and the sweat that forms on my body and face. i love looking at landscapes from high above and seeing how enormous, yet how strangely small the world is. this feels good. it feels healthy.
i also love singlehood, though my body resists this. i love not having to answer to anyone. i'm running out to meet people almost every night this week and weekend--(admittedly, this is a little exhausting)--but i'm investing in people i'm actually interested in. i can do whatever i damn well please. i love that i can stay out until any hour i feel like, and then crash at a jimjilbahng in the middle of the early morning hours. i'm accountable only to myself, and now that i'm beginning to like myself, this too feels good and healthy.
though there is the other side of it.
one of the things i miss most about being w/ a significant other is the time spent around sleep. falling asleep while being pulled in close; an arm around my body. then being awoken to warm kisses on my neck.
being touched is nice. after having tasted it a few times of late, my body craves the closeness.
but is it worth losing this newfound freedom?
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
the tangles of midweek
here are some random thoughts about nothing in particular:
you've heard the classical cases of the psych grad student who self-diagnoses him/herself w/ every manner of clinical disorder. i think i've come to terms w/ the episodic Major Depression i experience once/twice a year. yikes. and i know it's in the clinically relevant range.
BUT, my near euphoria is making me wonder if i should actually be diagnosed with Bi-Polar II, or possibly Cyclothymia. i think i might be a little Hypomanic right now. could be.
or maybe i'm just living in the freedom that comes from finally shutting doors on things that were leading to certain death. that can put a girl into a good mood as well.
friendships. how strange they can be. you love and then you're irritated. you feel like you've said too much, become too vulnerable--but then you realize you would give your life for those people. when you meet someone you really connect w/, it's this enormous blessing. i've met a few people in the past few months that i hope will be a part of my life for the duration of my life. one in particular has a complicated past that clashes extremely w/ my complicated past. but, i don't believe in coincidence.
God, You're crazy odd sometimes.
i've been somewhat obsessive about food and weight for the past 2 months, but when i stopped caring about it 2 weeks ago, i lost about 2Kg. go figure.
i just nibbled down 2 of those delicious Ferrero Rocher chocolates i 'won' from my girlfriend's 30th birthday party. i had an absolutely unfair advantage in that birthday game. afterall, we're close enough that she always wraps her super smooth legs around me whenever i'm laying down. her fingers always seems to interlock w/ mine when we walk together. her affection is quite forthcoming--almost demandingly instinctual for those she cares about. anyway, the chocolates were yummy and i will remain feeling guilt-free. for today.
i've been wondering about myself these days. there are certain people in my life that are really testing my patience. i've been having these moments w/ these two very different women in very different contexts. i want to believe that i'm a loving person, but when i get served the backhand w/ a spiteful comment or a bitingly selfish action, i get super frustrated. i end up talking shit, or serving one back. generally pretty subtly. it's a little passive-aggressive. this disturbs me about myself. sigh. i'm a work in progress, i suppose.
men and women. Korean culture. being 30. these things are odd and confusing at times. i'm a very straight-to-the-point kind of gal, so when i'm met w/ what i perceive to be flirtation, followed w/ with very 'friend'ly behavior, i'm not sure what to make of it. why can't people just be *clear*? there are always risks involved when flirting w/ someone, but in the end, isn't it better to just go on a date and see if there's any chemistry? if there's none, let's skip the awkward sex and just connect as friends. can men and women be close close friends at this age? i certainly hope so. but i think it's unusual, and fraught w/ complications.
ha! you grow up thinking that adults have it together, but inevitably you realize: no one seems to know what the hell they're doing. people overthink things, make up their own dumbass rules about nothing, and then break them all. it's lame.
so, one-forty-one in the AM and i'm actually feeling tired at this decent hour. i'm going to do a little reading and then sleep on these things. good night.
you've heard the classical cases of the psych grad student who self-diagnoses him/herself w/ every manner of clinical disorder. i think i've come to terms w/ the episodic Major Depression i experience once/twice a year. yikes. and i know it's in the clinically relevant range.
BUT, my near euphoria is making me wonder if i should actually be diagnosed with Bi-Polar II, or possibly Cyclothymia. i think i might be a little Hypomanic right now. could be.
or maybe i'm just living in the freedom that comes from finally shutting doors on things that were leading to certain death. that can put a girl into a good mood as well.
friendships. how strange they can be. you love and then you're irritated. you feel like you've said too much, become too vulnerable--but then you realize you would give your life for those people. when you meet someone you really connect w/, it's this enormous blessing. i've met a few people in the past few months that i hope will be a part of my life for the duration of my life. one in particular has a complicated past that clashes extremely w/ my complicated past. but, i don't believe in coincidence.
God, You're crazy odd sometimes.
i've been somewhat obsessive about food and weight for the past 2 months, but when i stopped caring about it 2 weeks ago, i lost about 2Kg. go figure.
i just nibbled down 2 of those delicious Ferrero Rocher chocolates i 'won' from my girlfriend's 30th birthday party. i had an absolutely unfair advantage in that birthday game. afterall, we're close enough that she always wraps her super smooth legs around me whenever i'm laying down. her fingers always seems to interlock w/ mine when we walk together. her affection is quite forthcoming--almost demandingly instinctual for those she cares about. anyway, the chocolates were yummy and i will remain feeling guilt-free. for today.
i've been wondering about myself these days. there are certain people in my life that are really testing my patience. i've been having these moments w/ these two very different women in very different contexts. i want to believe that i'm a loving person, but when i get served the backhand w/ a spiteful comment or a bitingly selfish action, i get super frustrated. i end up talking shit, or serving one back. generally pretty subtly. it's a little passive-aggressive. this disturbs me about myself. sigh. i'm a work in progress, i suppose.
men and women. Korean culture. being 30. these things are odd and confusing at times. i'm a very straight-to-the-point kind of gal, so when i'm met w/ what i perceive to be flirtation, followed w/ with very 'friend'ly behavior, i'm not sure what to make of it. why can't people just be *clear*? there are always risks involved when flirting w/ someone, but in the end, isn't it better to just go on a date and see if there's any chemistry? if there's none, let's skip the awkward sex and just connect as friends. can men and women be close close friends at this age? i certainly hope so. but i think it's unusual, and fraught w/ complications.
ha! you grow up thinking that adults have it together, but inevitably you realize: no one seems to know what the hell they're doing. people overthink things, make up their own dumbass rules about nothing, and then break them all. it's lame.
so, one-forty-one in the AM and i'm actually feeling tired at this decent hour. i'm going to do a little reading and then sleep on these things. good night.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
of Today
about 2 weeks ago, i had a bit of a sorrowful cry. one of my closest friends was leaving my side of the world and though i expected to see her again, my heart ached.
this summer was anything but stable to me, but having her around brought a measure of grounding. this was not an ever present or prevailing thought that occurred to me while she was around, but her presence reminded me of revelations i had experienced a year ago.
the thing about revelations at the age of 30 is that they just don't seem new anymore. just lessons that are relearned. and you just end up feeling like a dumb ass b/c you realize you've lost focus yet again.
life is good.
this has been true all along, and i've had joyful sparkles and flashes throughout the past few months, years, etc--but living in contentment for me was always tenuous and faltering.
this time
i'm not doing surgery on myself, but i've decided to surrender my will. i cannot have full control over my destiny. paradoxically, this makes my life's journey is so much more clear and simple.
now, this is not to say that i won't vacillate nor commit some of the same fuck-ups. this is not to say that the cycling emotional traps aren't still laid out in land mine fashion as they were before.
but, this is to say that my life path does not have to be dictated by me and i don't have to live in such a harried, anxious state of what's to come. release.
in Korean, the expression goes: my heart has become loosened, untangled.
how do i know that things are different this time?
b/c this peace has been coupled w/ action. i am proactively making the choice to stop certain stupidities. i am choosing to let go and allow myself to more fully experience the blessing of today.
who cares that it's taken me this long? no more yesterday (for today anyway). no more tomorrow. no more ecclesiastical sorrows about the meaninglessness of all of it. just today! this day is grand.
i am happy to live and sing and be in this skin
i am thrilled that i don't have to answer to anyone about this
this is Mine
let me declare that
the air tastes delicious on my tongue
the fall is coming! it's coming! my favorite season
i am Loved and i deeply deeply love
i feel rested--my headaches have been disappearing--how fleeting this has been since i can remember
the sun feels amazing and the beads of sweat on my upper lip are welcome
my eyes have beheld some of the most common sights
but i've experienced them as amazing
i feel alive and healthy and have energy
i love being in this skin
i am blessed that i can be happy
that i can enjoy today
i am so grateful
this summer was anything but stable to me, but having her around brought a measure of grounding. this was not an ever present or prevailing thought that occurred to me while she was around, but her presence reminded me of revelations i had experienced a year ago.
the thing about revelations at the age of 30 is that they just don't seem new anymore. just lessons that are relearned. and you just end up feeling like a dumb ass b/c you realize you've lost focus yet again.
life is good.
this has been true all along, and i've had joyful sparkles and flashes throughout the past few months, years, etc--but living in contentment for me was always tenuous and faltering.
this time
i'm not doing surgery on myself, but i've decided to surrender my will. i cannot have full control over my destiny. paradoxically, this makes my life's journey is so much more clear and simple.
now, this is not to say that i won't vacillate nor commit some of the same fuck-ups. this is not to say that the cycling emotional traps aren't still laid out in land mine fashion as they were before.
but, this is to say that my life path does not have to be dictated by me and i don't have to live in such a harried, anxious state of what's to come. release.
in Korean, the expression goes: my heart has become loosened, untangled.
how do i know that things are different this time?
b/c this peace has been coupled w/ action. i am proactively making the choice to stop certain stupidities. i am choosing to let go and allow myself to more fully experience the blessing of today.
who cares that it's taken me this long? no more yesterday (for today anyway). no more tomorrow. no more ecclesiastical sorrows about the meaninglessness of all of it. just today! this day is grand.
i am happy to live and sing and be in this skin
i am thrilled that i don't have to answer to anyone about this
this is Mine
let me declare that
the air tastes delicious on my tongue
the fall is coming! it's coming! my favorite season
i am Loved and i deeply deeply love
i feel rested--my headaches have been disappearing--how fleeting this has been since i can remember
the sun feels amazing and the beads of sweat on my upper lip are welcome
my eyes have beheld some of the most common sights
but i've experienced them as amazing
i feel alive and healthy and have energy
i love being in this skin
i am blessed that i can be happy
that i can enjoy today
i am so grateful
Thursday, September 3, 2009
finding my road
discomfort inside the insides.
oh how troubling--the pain, the repeated mistakes, the dizzying confusion
self-loathing.
these cycles; they tumble and trip and shatter bone and gash the surface, laying open skin.
the rotting mass. exposed.
inexpert eyes stare blankly at the fetid mess
needle and twine
fumbling fingers
piercing scaly skin
closing up the growing infection upon itself
maybe it'll get better if i just leave it alone?
no longer. i can't do this fucked up surgery on myself anymore.
i won't.
i will watch the sun setting and then rise again
rising again
i will feast on this one breath
remembering what it means to be grateful
remembering the Grace that keeps my heart beating--though sometimes i wish it would falter
but knowing that these days
this one today..
i can be in Love
i don't have to try so damn hard
holding on so tightly with my poisoned arms around my poisoned chest
this only keeps this poison in
this one Today
letting go of desire
letting go of my preconceptions of purpose and direction
letting go of self-mutilation and control
letting go of mistakes
this breath that enters my lungs and diffuses into aveoli
this is enough for today
a measure of peace
enough to weigh these lids down
for hope
for rest
oh how troubling--the pain, the repeated mistakes, the dizzying confusion
self-loathing.
these cycles; they tumble and trip and shatter bone and gash the surface, laying open skin.
the rotting mass. exposed.
inexpert eyes stare blankly at the fetid mess
needle and twine
fumbling fingers
piercing scaly skin
closing up the growing infection upon itself
maybe it'll get better if i just leave it alone?
no longer. i can't do this fucked up surgery on myself anymore.
i won't.
i will watch the sun setting and then rise again
rising again
i will feast on this one breath
remembering what it means to be grateful
remembering the Grace that keeps my heart beating--though sometimes i wish it would falter
but knowing that these days
this one today..
i can be in Love
i don't have to try so damn hard
holding on so tightly with my poisoned arms around my poisoned chest
this only keeps this poison in
this one Today
letting go of desire
letting go of my preconceptions of purpose and direction
letting go of self-mutilation and control
letting go of mistakes
this breath that enters my lungs and diffuses into aveoli
this is enough for today
a measure of peace
enough to weigh these lids down
for hope
for rest
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
hiking up Jirisan: II
it's a strange sensation to walk into the darkness. especially so when you know that the terrain in front of you is uneven and treacherous. banging a toe or a shin sucks even worse when it's against the edge of a sharp rock. but we walked along--mostly in pairs--and at least one of us carried a flashlight or a torch.
a forest at night is surreal. you know that you're out-of-doors, but the surrounding trees and leaves lends to the perception of being inside. the torch lights uneven hallways and you follow the path that is lit before you.
we walked between porous walls created by tree trunks, branches, and foliage.
until the sky began to change.
the stars began to lose their brilliance as our dark backdrop began to diffuse into that cold morning color. the dark leafy walls seemed to open outward. the flashlights and torches were shut off one by one.
though our conversations had become more muted from our initial start, the approaching sun seemed to reset all of our circadian rhythms into an alert daytime mode. we pressed forward, eagerly looking for the right spot to greet the morning blaze.
"over here! over here!" called our guide from far ahead.
we raced towards his voice and suddenly paused at the edge of the mountain.
a horizon of mountains; dark crinkled velvet, rising and falling. the early blue fog filled the valleys between and further back. the craggy peaks below us peeked through the fog. they looked like islands in the sky.
eyes met the air between the earth and the clouds. my breath caught.
why would a yellow sun create streaks of pink, blue, orange, and indigo?
yet somehow it did. it does.
inexplicable. i have watched this daily miracle too few times in the past some--11,000 days since i've begun roaming the planet.
the colors before me shifted like slowly moving flames.
a moment. a painting.
i remembered that a friend and i watched the sky change colors like this every morning for 4 months. we watched the sun bring the world to life for an entire semester. this was about 10 years ago.
i will watch this more often. i promise.
and then it was daytime. the landscape rippled with rich greens and browns. the cleanest blue. the air tasted of breathing trees.
i will taste this more often. i promise.
thank You thank You thank You.
we were 3 hours in. we had about 10 more to go.
a forest at night is surreal. you know that you're out-of-doors, but the surrounding trees and leaves lends to the perception of being inside. the torch lights uneven hallways and you follow the path that is lit before you.
we walked between porous walls created by tree trunks, branches, and foliage.
until the sky began to change.
the stars began to lose their brilliance as our dark backdrop began to diffuse into that cold morning color. the dark leafy walls seemed to open outward. the flashlights and torches were shut off one by one.
though our conversations had become more muted from our initial start, the approaching sun seemed to reset all of our circadian rhythms into an alert daytime mode. we pressed forward, eagerly looking for the right spot to greet the morning blaze.
"over here! over here!" called our guide from far ahead.
we raced towards his voice and suddenly paused at the edge of the mountain.
a horizon of mountains; dark crinkled velvet, rising and falling. the early blue fog filled the valleys between and further back. the craggy peaks below us peeked through the fog. they looked like islands in the sky.
eyes met the air between the earth and the clouds. my breath caught.
why would a yellow sun create streaks of pink, blue, orange, and indigo?
yet somehow it did. it does.
inexplicable. i have watched this daily miracle too few times in the past some--11,000 days since i've begun roaming the planet.
the colors before me shifted like slowly moving flames.
a moment. a painting.
i remembered that a friend and i watched the sky change colors like this every morning for 4 months. we watched the sun bring the world to life for an entire semester. this was about 10 years ago.
i will watch this more often. i promise.
and then it was daytime. the landscape rippled with rich greens and browns. the cleanest blue. the air tasted of breathing trees.
i will taste this more often. i promise.
thank You thank You thank You.
we were 3 hours in. we had about 10 more to go.
Monday, August 31, 2009
hiking up Jirisan: I
at 3:30am on Saturday morning, me and about 150 other hikers spilled blearily out of the KTX into a tiny little town in the southern part of the peninsula. it was a 4 hour train ride from Seoul--my current home. strange that i call it that even now. home.
it felt far away, but that felt ok.
the air tasted different down there somehow. crisper--more clean. bluish? it's hard to describe. given my inability to sleep in moving vehicles, needless to say, i was tired and apprehensive about the journey that we were about to embark upon. we were told it would be a 13 hour hike.
what the fuck was i thinking?? i asked myself repeatedly, as i could already feel my leg muscles cramping up. the taxi screeched around corners up the side of the mountain and i bit on my thumbnail to quell the rising panic. there really wasn't any way out. not for the next 13 hours anyway.
this was my choice.
you're doing this as a challenge. you're doing this to stretch yourself. you can do this. it will be beautiful. fabulous.
you're beautiful and fabulous.
taking a few deep breaths, i curled my fingers tightly around the strap of the sling that carried my trail mix, 2 peaches, my notebook, my Bible, a change of clothes, a blanket, my pack of menthol cigarettes, and my miscellaneous. when we stepped out of the taxi, the cold mountain air whipped around us. the whole group shivered and tightened their hoodies and jackets around them.
what happened to the summer?
i sat on the ground and rummaged around my bag for an energy bar as i stretched my legs and arms.
"c'mon c'mon! let's go!" yelled our guide, and upward we began to trudge into the darkness.
as the velvet enfolded us, i saw them. their unmistakable cold brilliance against the black. i had faintly seen the Little Dipper and the Big Dipper a few weekends before in the middle of the night atop a mountain in the grand city of Seoul, but this was *different*.
i have seen this many stars in the middle of the backwoods of Tennessee; when i have driven all night in different directions across the US--from the Midwest to the East coast to the South; in Maui on a post dusky beach; on a mountain rising out of the South sea. a few times in my life i have paused and beheld that kind of sky.
but after 9 months of yellowed Seoul horizons, the sweeping, forever bright sparks that i knew were there seemed almost fictional. like something i had read in a book or had only seen in photographs.
but there they were, these shards of bright nestled into the clearest black.
you've seen these--sometimes you'll stretch your hand out b/c they look so large, so close, you feel like you can touch them; your fingers catching only the faintest rays.
but tonight. this felt real. this was tangible.
hello stars. hello Real. hello Life.
thank You for the stars.
with this rush of gratitude, came a slight burst of energy. we started on a flat concrete incline, then onto gravel, then onto larger rocks. turning left, there was a set of stairs that stretched upwards into the dark trees beyond my vision.
whew... it begins.
it felt far away, but that felt ok.
the air tasted different down there somehow. crisper--more clean. bluish? it's hard to describe. given my inability to sleep in moving vehicles, needless to say, i was tired and apprehensive about the journey that we were about to embark upon. we were told it would be a 13 hour hike.
what the fuck was i thinking?? i asked myself repeatedly, as i could already feel my leg muscles cramping up. the taxi screeched around corners up the side of the mountain and i bit on my thumbnail to quell the rising panic. there really wasn't any way out. not for the next 13 hours anyway.
this was my choice.
you're doing this as a challenge. you're doing this to stretch yourself. you can do this. it will be beautiful. fabulous.
you're beautiful and fabulous.
taking a few deep breaths, i curled my fingers tightly around the strap of the sling that carried my trail mix, 2 peaches, my notebook, my Bible, a change of clothes, a blanket, my pack of menthol cigarettes, and my miscellaneous. when we stepped out of the taxi, the cold mountain air whipped around us. the whole group shivered and tightened their hoodies and jackets around them.
what happened to the summer?
i sat on the ground and rummaged around my bag for an energy bar as i stretched my legs and arms.
"c'mon c'mon! let's go!" yelled our guide, and upward we began to trudge into the darkness.
as the velvet enfolded us, i saw them. their unmistakable cold brilliance against the black. i had faintly seen the Little Dipper and the Big Dipper a few weekends before in the middle of the night atop a mountain in the grand city of Seoul, but this was *different*.
i have seen this many stars in the middle of the backwoods of Tennessee; when i have driven all night in different directions across the US--from the Midwest to the East coast to the South; in Maui on a post dusky beach; on a mountain rising out of the South sea. a few times in my life i have paused and beheld that kind of sky.
but after 9 months of yellowed Seoul horizons, the sweeping, forever bright sparks that i knew were there seemed almost fictional. like something i had read in a book or had only seen in photographs.
but there they were, these shards of bright nestled into the clearest black.
you've seen these--sometimes you'll stretch your hand out b/c they look so large, so close, you feel like you can touch them; your fingers catching only the faintest rays.
but tonight. this felt real. this was tangible.
hello stars. hello Real. hello Life.
thank You for the stars.
with this rush of gratitude, came a slight burst of energy. we started on a flat concrete incline, then onto gravel, then onto larger rocks. turning left, there was a set of stairs that stretched upwards into the dark trees beyond my vision.
whew... it begins.
Monday, August 17, 2009
here it is. August.
Seoul summer. the heat is oppressive. stepping outside is like walking into an oven. your first few breaths are a suffocating blanket. i often have a moment of panic--like i'm not going to be able to get enough oxygen into my lungs.
but when i pause and slow my breathing, my skin warms, and the overall temperature of my blood rises. my panic recedes. i begin to perspire.
though i can sometimes fool myself into forgetting how thick the air feels, my first few moments of daytime summer Seoul always shocks me.
i've had a hard time breathing lately. the whole month of July choked me. i think i'll always slightly hate this month--the frustrating heat, the beautiful, the awful. the fucking violence. the fucking white satin. clean blue skies, Vancouver. dripping tears. sweat. a needle buzzing into my leg. a needle sewing skin. black eyes. those memories. that black bloody darkness.
the month is over. thank God. i can move on, move forward, until next year--and maybe it won't be so severe. maybe that vice grip inside my chest won't be so tight. maybe next time my face won't turn so purple. maybe it'll all be less bloody.
"time. give it time." it's what they all say, right? i even say this, and believe it occasionally. but the problem w/ a calendar is that you can't forget. certain days and months are burned into memories.
damn this emotional bullshit. why am i so damn emotional? i wish i could turn it off. it'd be easier.
Seoul at nighttime gets much cooler. the humidity drops and breathing becomes easier.
i tasted the nightime forest this weekend. i entered the trees around midnight and began tromping up rocks--and then more rocks and boulders. i pulled myself up by tree branches and roots, and wondered if i were completely crazy. what the hell was i thinking?
how could this possibly be a good idea? the inky darkness. the sharp drops. burning muscles. trickling sweat down my back, neck, and face.
and then we hit a clearing. and there was Seoul in all of its et ceteras, a field of lights--they went on and on; orange and blue and pink and green. the streetlamps' lazy curve along the Han River, disappearing behind mountains, then reappearing further along. all of those lights. all of those people. in every direction. on and on it sprawled.
25 million. the tragedies, the hope, the faithful and unfaithful, the grinding mundane, the friendships built and broken, the buzzing TVs, the promises, the kisses, the laughter, the spilled soju. 25 million stories.
we climbed and climbed higher; the trail lost several times and then found, the continuous upward motion seemed interminable at times. the transpiration of the trees cooled our faces as we followed the person in front of us.
another clearing for rest. breezes blew over our sweating, overheated bodies; our lungs filled with the mountain air. i sprawled onto a boulder and stared at the sky:
oh hello there, Big Dipper, Little Dipper, and Orion's belt. and there you are Mars. it's been a long time.
and then the air above grew almost imperceptibly less black. and i could discern which direction was east. dark orangy and scarlet layers, along with pink. we were quiet.
the sky began to glow as the city lights began to fade. the closest mountain ranges were black, fading into dark green, falling back into the valleys of buildings and slowly swirling fog. ranges behind were staggering backwards in depth and brightened by the morning mists; the Artist's paint strokes of the horizon, subtle and never ending.
"there it is"
it's hard to describe. i remembered a story i read in childhood: a 'bright copper penny'.
i've often been awake during the dawn, but i can't remember the last time i actually saw the sun rising out of the edges. the blaze seeped and spilled around the curve of the earth and burned through the fog, warming our cheeks.
in my periphery, someone watched me sighing at the sight.
a murmur of laughter escaped my throat.
i felt the expression turn quizzical.
a smile. a brighter day, a brighter month.
the August sunrise over Seoul.
but when i pause and slow my breathing, my skin warms, and the overall temperature of my blood rises. my panic recedes. i begin to perspire.
though i can sometimes fool myself into forgetting how thick the air feels, my first few moments of daytime summer Seoul always shocks me.
i've had a hard time breathing lately. the whole month of July choked me. i think i'll always slightly hate this month--the frustrating heat, the beautiful, the awful. the fucking violence. the fucking white satin. clean blue skies, Vancouver. dripping tears. sweat. a needle buzzing into my leg. a needle sewing skin. black eyes. those memories. that black bloody darkness.
the month is over. thank God. i can move on, move forward, until next year--and maybe it won't be so severe. maybe that vice grip inside my chest won't be so tight. maybe next time my face won't turn so purple. maybe it'll all be less bloody.
"time. give it time." it's what they all say, right? i even say this, and believe it occasionally. but the problem w/ a calendar is that you can't forget. certain days and months are burned into memories.
damn this emotional bullshit. why am i so damn emotional? i wish i could turn it off. it'd be easier.
Seoul at nighttime gets much cooler. the humidity drops and breathing becomes easier.
i tasted the nightime forest this weekend. i entered the trees around midnight and began tromping up rocks--and then more rocks and boulders. i pulled myself up by tree branches and roots, and wondered if i were completely crazy. what the hell was i thinking?
how could this possibly be a good idea? the inky darkness. the sharp drops. burning muscles. trickling sweat down my back, neck, and face.
and then we hit a clearing. and there was Seoul in all of its et ceteras, a field of lights--they went on and on; orange and blue and pink and green. the streetlamps' lazy curve along the Han River, disappearing behind mountains, then reappearing further along. all of those lights. all of those people. in every direction. on and on it sprawled.
25 million. the tragedies, the hope, the faithful and unfaithful, the grinding mundane, the friendships built and broken, the buzzing TVs, the promises, the kisses, the laughter, the spilled soju. 25 million stories.we climbed and climbed higher; the trail lost several times and then found, the continuous upward motion seemed interminable at times. the transpiration of the trees cooled our faces as we followed the person in front of us.
another clearing for rest. breezes blew over our sweating, overheated bodies; our lungs filled with the mountain air. i sprawled onto a boulder and stared at the sky:
oh hello there, Big Dipper, Little Dipper, and Orion's belt. and there you are Mars. it's been a long time.
and then the air above grew almost imperceptibly less black. and i could discern which direction was east. dark orangy and scarlet layers, along with pink. we were quiet.
the sky began to glow as the city lights began to fade. the closest mountain ranges were black, fading into dark green, falling back into the valleys of buildings and slowly swirling fog. ranges behind were staggering backwards in depth and brightened by the morning mists; the Artist's paint strokes of the horizon, subtle and never ending.
"there it is"
it's hard to describe. i remembered a story i read in childhood: a 'bright copper penny'.
i've often been awake during the dawn, but i can't remember the last time i actually saw the sun rising out of the edges. the blaze seeped and spilled around the curve of the earth and burned through the fog, warming our cheeks.
in my periphery, someone watched me sighing at the sight.
a murmur of laughter escaped my throat.
i felt the expression turn quizzical.
a smile. a brighter day, a brighter month.
the August sunrise over Seoul.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
years behind and years ahead
her name is April
i met her today
she's 62
i'm half her age
i shared
she shared
she's beautiful
she reminded me
i'm not alone
we're not alone
she fights like me
we fight together
she said some things--things that sound completely crazy
but i completely agreed
how can this happen?
how can these outlandish notions be so real for both of us?
we're separated by oceans
time
generations
colors and trees and culture and
the sun, it has blazed
over lifetimes
but our spirits touched
and we could both rely upon Knowing
we know that we'll meet
and laugh in giddiness
we'll hold hands
i'll kiss her cheek
we'll sing as we run
never out of breath
we'll race through the City
together
i met her today
she's 62
i'm half her age
i shared
she shared
she's beautiful
she reminded me
i'm not alone
we're not alone
she fights like me
we fight together
she said some things--things that sound completely crazy
but i completely agreed
how can this happen?
how can these outlandish notions be so real for both of us?
we're separated by oceans
time
generations
colors and trees and culture and
the sun, it has blazed
over lifetimes
but our spirits touched
and we could both rely upon Knowing
we know that we'll meet
and laugh in giddiness
we'll hold hands
i'll kiss her cheek
we'll sing as we run
never out of breath
we'll race through the City
together
Monday, August 3, 2009
redundant. trivialities.
convictions. why are they so fleeting?
you really can feel like you believe something--you may still bear the scars from the lesson you learned, but then you forget. or you fool yourself into thinking that maybe the conviction you felt was just not that big of a deal. you don't allow the conviction to take hold b/c you're so used to continuing along the grooves you've been ambling down. and then there's guilt about that, and often shame. the cycle perpetuates.
how do you change? how can you move forward into a brand new thing? the old way of doing things is your version of 'normal' and your body just moves in that direction b/c that's what feels natural. but you hurt yourself and often hurt people around you. and then sometimes you cry about it. sometimes you need to make apologies. sometimes you promise yourself that you won't put yourself through it all over again.
conviction.
a lie.
the same lie
over and over.
the same mistake
over and again
tears, conviction
but then, there it is again
the same lie
i need to believe that these trivialities won't continue to cycle. i need to trust that change is possible and that a hundred years from now, things will be different. the incremental steps forward--no matter how subtle, they mean something.
subtle steps at a one degree angle may look like nothing to some, but they can feel like miles to the one walking that way. no one may believe you--no one may be able to trust that your trajectory has shifted, but inevitably, these choices are personal and valuable.
i've got to keep stretching upwards, even if i don't look any taller.
you really can feel like you believe something--you may still bear the scars from the lesson you learned, but then you forget. or you fool yourself into thinking that maybe the conviction you felt was just not that big of a deal. you don't allow the conviction to take hold b/c you're so used to continuing along the grooves you've been ambling down. and then there's guilt about that, and often shame. the cycle perpetuates.
how do you change? how can you move forward into a brand new thing? the old way of doing things is your version of 'normal' and your body just moves in that direction b/c that's what feels natural. but you hurt yourself and often hurt people around you. and then sometimes you cry about it. sometimes you need to make apologies. sometimes you promise yourself that you won't put yourself through it all over again.
conviction.
a lie.
the same lie
over and over.
the same mistake
over and again
tears, conviction
but then, there it is again
the same lie
i need to believe that these trivialities won't continue to cycle. i need to trust that change is possible and that a hundred years from now, things will be different. the incremental steps forward--no matter how subtle, they mean something.
subtle steps at a one degree angle may look like nothing to some, but they can feel like miles to the one walking that way. no one may believe you--no one may be able to trust that your trajectory has shifted, but inevitably, these choices are personal and valuable.
i've got to keep stretching upwards, even if i don't look any taller.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
tuesday
on my walk home,
i watched the orangy-red sun blazing through the clouds
it looked like a water color painting
surreal.
i took a 1/2 hour run,
nearly killed myself--but it was a good kinda near death experience
i sweat through and through and through
salty skin
i am flesh and blood.
i strolled to my favorite little fruit stand
pondered over the overpriced dark purple grapes
i bought them
those and the fuchsia plums
firm. sweet.
i painted my toenails blue tonight
and as an afterthought,
i painted my fingernails as well
i remembered when blue fingers and toes were out of the ordinary
i guess i'm ordinary
this is ok.
i'm trying to recall what a real life is
am i real life?
or am i dreaming the painted sky
the sweet tang of grapes
the sweat on my upper lip
exploding lungs
am i lying in a coma from that violent assault 10 years ago?
sometimes i wish i could hit reset
go back to the blood and trauma of that incident
choose a different path
make different, less painful choices
but i would've missed the magentas of this Seoul sunset
and the dark purple grapes
firm and sweet
my favorites.
i watched the orangy-red sun blazing through the clouds
it looked like a water color painting
surreal.
i took a 1/2 hour run,
nearly killed myself--but it was a good kinda near death experience
i sweat through and through and through
salty skin
i am flesh and blood.
i strolled to my favorite little fruit stand
pondered over the overpriced dark purple grapes
i bought them
those and the fuchsia plums
firm. sweet.
i painted my toenails blue tonight
and as an afterthought,
i painted my fingernails as well
i remembered when blue fingers and toes were out of the ordinary
i guess i'm ordinary
this is ok.
i'm trying to recall what a real life is
am i real life?
or am i dreaming the painted sky
the sweet tang of grapes
the sweat on my upper lip
exploding lungs
am i lying in a coma from that violent assault 10 years ago?
sometimes i wish i could hit reset
go back to the blood and trauma of that incident
choose a different path
make different, less painful choices
but i would've missed the magentas of this Seoul sunset
and the dark purple grapes
firm and sweet
my favorites.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
finding something
i awoke to my alarm @ the audacious time of 5:45am on Saturday to go on a rafting trip w/ random strangers.
for the past two weeks, i've had some serious difficulties falling asleep. this is not new for me, but my emotional turbulence made the experience far far worse.
however, Saturday marked a full week since i'd done some deep introspection and sorting out and i was ready to do something good, something productive, for myself. i finally felt ready to try to grow again. it's been a while (if ever) that i've felt refreshed/renewed enough to really do this. and not in a superficial kind of--i'm going to take a class about something i'm interested in/i'm going to lose weight/i'm going to learn a new language--type of way. it's a bigger, more paradigmatic kind of shifting that's beginning to happen.
God. i know how pompous that might all sound, but remember: i'm learning how to do life again. it's actually only been about 7 months of my literally moving on. the initial months here in Korea were wild and novel and exciting and different. but, the realities of being 30, single, and in a bustling metropolis finally ground down on me.
here it is again. life. this isn't a hiatus. i can't just playplayplay and do whatever/whenever the hell i want.
for many years--close to 20, i was alive, but living in a hazy drifting state. i never felt quite real. i often felt like a wooden doll. moving to the rhythm of shifting gears. who was i? who am i? this is a brightly painted and contrived question, but i ask/ed it nonetheless.
i think i'm "there"--some of the puzzle pieces have clicked into place, but i'm not ready to describe it all out loud. some of it's too humiliating to even think about, but i'm grateful, even for these small self-revelations.
so when my alarm went off at 5:45am yesterday, i groaned, but opened my eyes feeling peace.
You are loved deeply, you silly girl. go and get up.
i changed into my swimming gear, my shorts and a tank, thrilled about the crispness of the Summer morning, thrilled about the quiet early dawning of a Saturday, thrilled that i am deeply loved.
i walked through the Yonsei forest. the familiar green canopy. the morning mists rising above the trees. i felt joyfully alone.
i am made of flesh and blood again. this felt new.
i spent three hours on a bus and ate lunch w/ a bevy of strangers of every ilk. there were a lot of 'getting to know you' conversations and i laughed and cracked jokes w/ them. some of them didn't get my commentary, but this made it all the more funny and gave me clues about who i should avoid. (you know, being 30 really ain't so bad. i'm smarter than the 22s and slightly younger/prettier than the 42s.)
when we got onto the river, i was immensely glad that i decided not to wear my flip flops. the rocks were sharp and the river flowed along pretty quickly. no one paid any attention to the cutie rafting instructor b/c he couldn't speak English. i felt bad for him so i began to translate. this resulted in that oh-so-sweet Korean familiarity which ended w/ him tossing me into the river a few times. i didn't make it easy for him though. and i made sure he came w/ me every time.
the backdrop was amazing. the verdant Summer ripeness of hills, the immense craggy rocks that towered around us, the stark white herons that flew above us.
we came upon a 20 foot cliff where we could dive from. i've only cliff doved once before in Maui off a 10 foot drop. even this was a bit of a harrowing experience--not knowing what was going to happen after the leap, almost expecting a foot to crash against unseen rocks below the surface, and the moments of exhilarating, irrevocable free-fall.
for some reason, while i gazed 20 feet below at the flowing river, i had no anxieties. only delicious expectation. hope.
my breath caught as i lept. water cooled sun-soaked skin. greenish light of the surface. speeding back upwards.
so there i was. floating on my back in a Korean river. gazing at the mists that staggered backwards against the mountains against more mountains. i felt deeply loved.
life. there it is.
for the past two weeks, i've had some serious difficulties falling asleep. this is not new for me, but my emotional turbulence made the experience far far worse.
however, Saturday marked a full week since i'd done some deep introspection and sorting out and i was ready to do something good, something productive, for myself. i finally felt ready to try to grow again. it's been a while (if ever) that i've felt refreshed/renewed enough to really do this. and not in a superficial kind of--i'm going to take a class about something i'm interested in/i'm going to lose weight/i'm going to learn a new language--type of way. it's a bigger, more paradigmatic kind of shifting that's beginning to happen.
God. i know how pompous that might all sound, but remember: i'm learning how to do life again. it's actually only been about 7 months of my literally moving on. the initial months here in Korea were wild and novel and exciting and different. but, the realities of being 30, single, and in a bustling metropolis finally ground down on me.
here it is again. life. this isn't a hiatus. i can't just playplayplay and do whatever/whenever the hell i want.
for many years--close to 20, i was alive, but living in a hazy drifting state. i never felt quite real. i often felt like a wooden doll. moving to the rhythm of shifting gears. who was i? who am i? this is a brightly painted and contrived question, but i ask/ed it nonetheless.
i think i'm "there"--some of the puzzle pieces have clicked into place, but i'm not ready to describe it all out loud. some of it's too humiliating to even think about, but i'm grateful, even for these small self-revelations.
so when my alarm went off at 5:45am yesterday, i groaned, but opened my eyes feeling peace.
You are loved deeply, you silly girl. go and get up.
i changed into my swimming gear, my shorts and a tank, thrilled about the crispness of the Summer morning, thrilled about the quiet early dawning of a Saturday, thrilled that i am deeply loved.
i walked through the Yonsei forest. the familiar green canopy. the morning mists rising above the trees. i felt joyfully alone.
i am made of flesh and blood again. this felt new.
i spent three hours on a bus and ate lunch w/ a bevy of strangers of every ilk. there were a lot of 'getting to know you' conversations and i laughed and cracked jokes w/ them. some of them didn't get my commentary, but this made it all the more funny and gave me clues about who i should avoid. (you know, being 30 really ain't so bad. i'm smarter than the 22s and slightly younger/prettier than the 42s.)
when we got onto the river, i was immensely glad that i decided not to wear my flip flops. the rocks were sharp and the river flowed along pretty quickly. no one paid any attention to the cutie rafting instructor b/c he couldn't speak English. i felt bad for him so i began to translate. this resulted in that oh-so-sweet Korean familiarity which ended w/ him tossing me into the river a few times. i didn't make it easy for him though. and i made sure he came w/ me every time.
the backdrop was amazing. the verdant Summer ripeness of hills, the immense craggy rocks that towered around us, the stark white herons that flew above us.
we came upon a 20 foot cliff where we could dive from. i've only cliff doved once before in Maui off a 10 foot drop. even this was a bit of a harrowing experience--not knowing what was going to happen after the leap, almost expecting a foot to crash against unseen rocks below the surface, and the moments of exhilarating, irrevocable free-fall.
for some reason, while i gazed 20 feet below at the flowing river, i had no anxieties. only delicious expectation. hope.
my breath caught as i lept. water cooled sun-soaked skin. greenish light of the surface. speeding back upwards.
so there i was. floating on my back in a Korean river. gazing at the mists that staggered backwards against the mountains against more mountains. i felt deeply loved.
life. there it is.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Korean July. monsoon season, 2am
it's monsoon season in Korea. i'm listening to it right now just outside my window. i can smell the rain and feel slight cool splashes through my screen.
i love the rain. especially listening to it at night. i always have.
i've found that those on the slightly depressive end like the melancholy and cleansing sensibilities about it. it reminds me a little bit about where i came from. brings it back down to the basics.
i need the basics these days.
i've been falling apart emotionally b/c of my overanalysis of certain realities and the certain uncertainties.
it been downpouring then receding. then quietly, it builds momentum again.
the rumbling thunder. another downpour.
then awful, debilitating sorrow. splashing and soaking me through.
but tonight.
the rain. cooling the overheated cracked asphalt. bringing relief and beginning to seep into the dusty soil. clearing the Seoul pollution for a little while.
it's finally coming together. my head. after so many years, it finally seems to be coalescing into an image of what my life is. what i need to decide about today. just today. one day.
enjoy the discordant thunder. be happy about love. remember that i Know. remember that i'm of worth and don't need to hide from myself. i need to have serenity about the fact that i may forget.
and it's ok to feel it all--i don't need to blunt the edges w/ my habitual distractions.
this meanders almost psychotically, but i'll remember what it means.
June 28th, 2009. my birthday.
i love the rain. especially listening to it at night. i always have.
i've found that those on the slightly depressive end like the melancholy and cleansing sensibilities about it. it reminds me a little bit about where i came from. brings it back down to the basics.
i need the basics these days.
i've been falling apart emotionally b/c of my overanalysis of certain realities and the certain uncertainties.
it been downpouring then receding. then quietly, it builds momentum again.
the rumbling thunder. another downpour.
then awful, debilitating sorrow. splashing and soaking me through.
but tonight.
the rain. cooling the overheated cracked asphalt. bringing relief and beginning to seep into the dusty soil. clearing the Seoul pollution for a little while.
it's finally coming together. my head. after so many years, it finally seems to be coalescing into an image of what my life is. what i need to decide about today. just today. one day.
enjoy the discordant thunder. be happy about love. remember that i Know. remember that i'm of worth and don't need to hide from myself. i need to have serenity about the fact that i may forget.
and it's ok to feel it all--i don't need to blunt the edges w/ my habitual distractions.
this meanders almost psychotically, but i'll remember what it means.
June 28th, 2009. my birthday.
5 days ago, 17 years ago
wrapping around my torso
encircling wrists
these beautiful chains
jingling around feet
stumbletears
back up across a waist
then loosely draping around
a neck crisscrossaround
like jewelry they are
these chains
admire them!tripping feet
they're fabulous
tanglingtighterevertighter
decades adorned
so pretty when they rust
turning skin seagreen
loosened shiny flecks
sparkle
raw redness and flashing silver
stumbletears
posesmile for this picture
forget the open sores
encircling wrists
these beautiful chains
jingling around feet
stumbletears
back up across a waist
then loosely draping around
a neck crisscrossaround
like jewelry they are
these chains
admire them!tripping feet
they're fabulous
tanglingtighterevertighter
decades adorned
so pretty when they rust
turning skin seagreen
loosened shiny flecks
sparkle
raw redness and flashing silver
stumbletears
posesmile for this picture
forget the open sores
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
long sigh... maybe into relief
i have had the itch to get off of Korean soil.
i want to get away--somewhere--anywhere, to have adventures and travel and see things and meet people and taste things and experience it all.
for the past 2 weeks, i've scoured the net for jobs that are aligned to my career--not an unwise move, certainly, but i've only been in Korea for 7 months. i don't know if i should necessarily be so keen to close this chapter in my life. i think i need to calm down a little.
so here are the problems w/ me being here in Seoul:
there is no satisfying career for me here,
the pushy over-crowding,
the pollution--there is an actual cloud of smog i gaze through every morning towards the city,
my sense of displacement in the world,
the transitional impermanence of most of the people i meet and can relate w/,
my disconnect w/ the Korean culture and people--this part has felt especially upsetting to me.
i look Korean, i often understand the Korean being spoken to me, but i can't communicate. b/c of this, i feel that i am met w/ general avoidance, if not disdain.
this may/not actually be the case, but certainly, it feels that Korean people are pretty closed off to me. i explain this in part b/c of how i relate w/ people and also b/c of the fact that i'm female.
culturally, it's not appropriate for a Korean male to get too friendly w/ me b/c of the whole repressive sexual thing. from what i've seen, Korean men and women can hardly be close friends. even if i was looking for friendship w/ a Korean male, i wonder if it would be possible to surmount this hurdle. i've been on a few dates here and again. it seemed like if there was no sexual chemistry, there was just no chemistry. there was no point to try to relate. sad. who knows.
and you know women--we connect by talking our asses off. my paucity of Korean linguistic ability puts me at a disadvantage. i wish i could take a class or something.
but, there's a reservation among Koreans towards kyopos like me anyway. sure, i have their blood and their eyes and skin. i have some understanding of their language and culture, but i am obviously not in full compliance. my missteps are an insult, rather than ignorance to be laughed off or explained. i understand. kyopos are annoying--i know i can be as well. i'm trying to learn about Korean culture as best as i can w/o losing myself.
these are problems, but they are also excuses. i'll admit. i'm lazy. it's hard for me to have to work so hard at something that came so easily to me in an English speaking world.
but here it is. the most outrageous thing i have to say about why i want to leave Korea.
sure, these annoyances and frustrations aren't easy to live w/, but actually, these are very general problems. the issues are fairly insubstantial (except for the first and last part). if i pause long enough to raise an eyebrow at myself, these problems come in some form worldwide.
and inevitably. i'm a city girl at heart, so i'm probably going to have to deal w/ the mess of pollution and over-crowding for most of the rest of my life.
so what am i running away from?
i can't believe i'm saying this, but:
myself
it's fabulously cliched. it's very mid/quarter-life crisis of me.
get me out of this perm and sweatpants!
i've been examining my self and my life and my faults. i've allowed myself to get so riddled w/ the anxieties of yesterday and tomorrow that the only thing i can think of is: escape. it will be better elsewhere. if only i had... and... things would be better.
this is untrue and has been proven to me repeatedly.
that one thing and that other thing and... they are always smaller and less fulfilling and emptier than i had hoped. inevitably, i'm still the anxious, self-centered being w/ those special extra things i didn't even really want.
so what do i do w/ this nasty little revelation? well, i need to think some more... talk to God some more... apologize to some people about my hyperventilation over the past few weeks...
after that, i'm not sure.
my superego's telling me i need to go back to the States and get a career job.
my id is wavering in between leaving for another country or staying here and making the most of the rest of this year.
my ego? well, it's emotionally wrought trying to manage the other two.
but first, i really need to settle down. i need to get these shrieking emotions under control so that i can hear Him a little better.
every day. it's a process every single day. but tomorrow doesn't look so gloom and doom.
i want to get away--somewhere--anywhere, to have adventures and travel and see things and meet people and taste things and experience it all.
for the past 2 weeks, i've scoured the net for jobs that are aligned to my career--not an unwise move, certainly, but i've only been in Korea for 7 months. i don't know if i should necessarily be so keen to close this chapter in my life. i think i need to calm down a little.
so here are the problems w/ me being here in Seoul:
there is no satisfying career for me here,
the pushy over-crowding,
the pollution--there is an actual cloud of smog i gaze through every morning towards the city,
my sense of displacement in the world,
the transitional impermanence of most of the people i meet and can relate w/,
my disconnect w/ the Korean culture and people--this part has felt especially upsetting to me.
i look Korean, i often understand the Korean being spoken to me, but i can't communicate. b/c of this, i feel that i am met w/ general avoidance, if not disdain.
this may/not actually be the case, but certainly, it feels that Korean people are pretty closed off to me. i explain this in part b/c of how i relate w/ people and also b/c of the fact that i'm female.
culturally, it's not appropriate for a Korean male to get too friendly w/ me b/c of the whole repressive sexual thing. from what i've seen, Korean men and women can hardly be close friends. even if i was looking for friendship w/ a Korean male, i wonder if it would be possible to surmount this hurdle. i've been on a few dates here and again. it seemed like if there was no sexual chemistry, there was just no chemistry. there was no point to try to relate. sad. who knows.
and you know women--we connect by talking our asses off. my paucity of Korean linguistic ability puts me at a disadvantage. i wish i could take a class or something.
but, there's a reservation among Koreans towards kyopos like me anyway. sure, i have their blood and their eyes and skin. i have some understanding of their language and culture, but i am obviously not in full compliance. my missteps are an insult, rather than ignorance to be laughed off or explained. i understand. kyopos are annoying--i know i can be as well. i'm trying to learn about Korean culture as best as i can w/o losing myself.
these are problems, but they are also excuses. i'll admit. i'm lazy. it's hard for me to have to work so hard at something that came so easily to me in an English speaking world.
but here it is. the most outrageous thing i have to say about why i want to leave Korea.
sure, these annoyances and frustrations aren't easy to live w/, but actually, these are very general problems. the issues are fairly insubstantial (except for the first and last part). if i pause long enough to raise an eyebrow at myself, these problems come in some form worldwide.
and inevitably. i'm a city girl at heart, so i'm probably going to have to deal w/ the mess of pollution and over-crowding for most of the rest of my life.
so what am i running away from?
i can't believe i'm saying this, but:
myself
it's fabulously cliched. it's very mid/quarter-life crisis of me.
get me out of this perm and sweatpants!
i've been examining my self and my life and my faults. i've allowed myself to get so riddled w/ the anxieties of yesterday and tomorrow that the only thing i can think of is: escape. it will be better elsewhere. if only i had... and... things would be better.
this is untrue and has been proven to me repeatedly.
that one thing and that other thing and... they are always smaller and less fulfilling and emptier than i had hoped. inevitably, i'm still the anxious, self-centered being w/ those special extra things i didn't even really want.
so what do i do w/ this nasty little revelation? well, i need to think some more... talk to God some more... apologize to some people about my hyperventilation over the past few weeks...
after that, i'm not sure.
my superego's telling me i need to go back to the States and get a career job.
my id is wavering in between leaving for another country or staying here and making the most of the rest of this year.
my ego? well, it's emotionally wrought trying to manage the other two.
but first, i really need to settle down. i need to get these shrieking emotions under control so that i can hear Him a little better.
every day. it's a process every single day. but tomorrow doesn't look so gloom and doom.
Monday, June 22, 2009
journal: 6.22.09
i took the long long way back home the other day and saw a girl. she was probably in her mid-20s, dressed in a GS-26 uniform (one of the ubiquitous convenience store chains in Korea).
she was looking out towards the street, a bored forlorn gaze, as if she were hoping for something to happen.
it saddened me that it probably wasn't going to happen. not today anyway. those things only happen once in a while, and she was unlikely to be swept away from her minimum wage labor and out of the home of her overprotective parents. she will probably be watching passing cars polluting the Seoul air and making eye contact w/ the random passer-by for some indefinite amount of time. it is awful to think about.
Koreans have it so rough. it is difficult to imagine how they can keep on grinding away, day after week after month after years and years, w/ no sight of reprieve. they carry such a weighty, burdensome load, being a citizen of this fast-paced, hard-working, over-working nation.
and they work so hard for such a tiny little margin. they can barely house, clothe, and feed themselves, much less consider taking more than a long weekend off from their 70-100 hour work weeks.
i am a spoiled brat American who is complaining because she feels a little angsty. i know it's all bigger than me and i have no right to bemoan my circumstances.
not everyone gets a career that they feel fulfilled by. not everyone has a home or a family or friends they can count on. no one is immune from tragedy. no one is immune from depressing circumstances. everyone has the 'what next?' questions plague them from time to time.
i just miss my family. i miss a few very close friends. i just got asked to come in for a full day of work on Saturday and it made me cry all the way home. and then for about half an hour at my desk.
but i have a place to live. and food to eat. and every single physical need taken care of. and i have God who's watching my every move. He is the author of my life. my life does not need to be significant by any of my own standards. i'm significant because He created me and loves me, even when i'm not feeling very lovable. even when i feel angry and irritable and hate everyone and everything around me. in spite of.
it's unimaginable. i don't get it. i'm trying to get it, but i've lost my way these days. my vision has gotten quite, embarrassingly self-absorbed.
it's been a year since that awful, wonderful summer of unthinkable self-sacrifice. maybe the weather's reminding me of him, and what i went through. i'll even admit that in the midst of my tears today, i googled him. i'm not sure what compelled me to do this. this is very unlike me. fucking weird of me, in fact--but there it is.
he still hasn't changed his name back to his unmarried one. how awful for him. how strange. how much was lost. for both of us. part of me wishes he's ok. part of me wishes nothing for him and hates myself for even thinking about him.
i don't hate him. i'm hurt by all of this and the fact that i'm ruminating about certain aspects of our broken life together. will i ever be whole again? will the scars ever fully fade? will i be able to have another life where his presence doesn't echo through my mind?
i was completely broken last summer, but despite the overwhelming sharpness of misery and tears, i had a serious, tangible sense of supernatural love. Jesus kept me breathing. the Spirit was there w/ every sluggish pulse of my blood. i felt joy that was beyond any kind comprehension while i slept upon my sleeping bag in the upstairs hallway. here are the tears again. i remember. i remember.
i've been drowning myself into numbness because i didn't want to face any of this for the past few weeks. i took on any distraction so i just didn't have to feel or worry about the reality of things.
something God told me to think about was His protection and sovereignty over His children. and God doesn't change. He shows compassion for my own weak personhood. i've been reading through the Pentitude:
"the Israelites left Succoth and camped at Etham on the edge of the wilderness. the Lord went ahead of them. He guided them during the day with a pillar of cloud, and He provided light at night with a pillar of fire. this allowed them to travel by day or by night. and the Lord did not remove the pillar of cloud or pillar of fire from its place in front of the people." (Exodus 13:20-22)
He gave me this passage on the 9th, but reminded me to reflect on it just now.
i am not this GS-26 uniform. even if i'm wearing it today and end up wearing it next year, the Lord will go ahead of me. He will alway be present.
hello there God. it's me. again. you there?
sigh.
there it is again. a little bit of hope. for tonight.
she was looking out towards the street, a bored forlorn gaze, as if she were hoping for something to happen.
it saddened me that it probably wasn't going to happen. not today anyway. those things only happen once in a while, and she was unlikely to be swept away from her minimum wage labor and out of the home of her overprotective parents. she will probably be watching passing cars polluting the Seoul air and making eye contact w/ the random passer-by for some indefinite amount of time. it is awful to think about.
Koreans have it so rough. it is difficult to imagine how they can keep on grinding away, day after week after month after years and years, w/ no sight of reprieve. they carry such a weighty, burdensome load, being a citizen of this fast-paced, hard-working, over-working nation.
and they work so hard for such a tiny little margin. they can barely house, clothe, and feed themselves, much less consider taking more than a long weekend off from their 70-100 hour work weeks.
i am a spoiled brat American who is complaining because she feels a little angsty. i know it's all bigger than me and i have no right to bemoan my circumstances.
not everyone gets a career that they feel fulfilled by. not everyone has a home or a family or friends they can count on. no one is immune from tragedy. no one is immune from depressing circumstances. everyone has the 'what next?' questions plague them from time to time.
i just miss my family. i miss a few very close friends. i just got asked to come in for a full day of work on Saturday and it made me cry all the way home. and then for about half an hour at my desk.
but i have a place to live. and food to eat. and every single physical need taken care of. and i have God who's watching my every move. He is the author of my life. my life does not need to be significant by any of my own standards. i'm significant because He created me and loves me, even when i'm not feeling very lovable. even when i feel angry and irritable and hate everyone and everything around me. in spite of.
it's unimaginable. i don't get it. i'm trying to get it, but i've lost my way these days. my vision has gotten quite, embarrassingly self-absorbed.
it's been a year since that awful, wonderful summer of unthinkable self-sacrifice. maybe the weather's reminding me of him, and what i went through. i'll even admit that in the midst of my tears today, i googled him. i'm not sure what compelled me to do this. this is very unlike me. fucking weird of me, in fact--but there it is.
he still hasn't changed his name back to his unmarried one. how awful for him. how strange. how much was lost. for both of us. part of me wishes he's ok. part of me wishes nothing for him and hates myself for even thinking about him.
i don't hate him. i'm hurt by all of this and the fact that i'm ruminating about certain aspects of our broken life together. will i ever be whole again? will the scars ever fully fade? will i be able to have another life where his presence doesn't echo through my mind?
i was completely broken last summer, but despite the overwhelming sharpness of misery and tears, i had a serious, tangible sense of supernatural love. Jesus kept me breathing. the Spirit was there w/ every sluggish pulse of my blood. i felt joy that was beyond any kind comprehension while i slept upon my sleeping bag in the upstairs hallway. here are the tears again. i remember. i remember.
i've been drowning myself into numbness because i didn't want to face any of this for the past few weeks. i took on any distraction so i just didn't have to feel or worry about the reality of things.
something God told me to think about was His protection and sovereignty over His children. and God doesn't change. He shows compassion for my own weak personhood. i've been reading through the Pentitude:
"the Israelites left Succoth and camped at Etham on the edge of the wilderness. the Lord went ahead of them. He guided them during the day with a pillar of cloud, and He provided light at night with a pillar of fire. this allowed them to travel by day or by night. and the Lord did not remove the pillar of cloud or pillar of fire from its place in front of the people." (Exodus 13:20-22)
He gave me this passage on the 9th, but reminded me to reflect on it just now.
i am not this GS-26 uniform. even if i'm wearing it today and end up wearing it next year, the Lord will go ahead of me. He will alway be present.
hello there God. it's me. again. you there?
sigh.
there it is again. a little bit of hope. for tonight.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
the beginning of the goodbyes
whoa. it's been quite a week, and it's only Wednesday night...
in about 5 hours, one of my close friends in Korea is going to be leaving. 24 hours after that, another one will also be departing the peninsula.
this past weekend, the group--pretty much the only people i actually care about in this country--all spent time together as a final hurrah. there was much laughter and food and a generalized giddiness among everyone. but it hurt to smile.
all of the grief and uncertainties that i've been bemoaning were finally coming to fore, and it really sucked. i'm usually pretty good about just smiling it off and cracking a few jokes and holding hands and etc etc. i had a responsibility to be upbeat. but i just couldn't do it whole-heartedly and i know that it was noticable. the heaviness was on my face.
i got a few sidelong glances and a silently mouthed 'are you ok?'. and then a, "Mary, why are you so quiet?"
ugh.
attitude often will follow behavior and so i tried to perk up. but the more i tried to act happy, the more my insides twisted. i just can't be happy and fun and excited all the time.
i just needed to be sad. to let myself feel sad and let the pain come to surface and spill over.
and it did on Monday night. in a rush of tears and physical discomfort, deep deep in my stomach. but there was still a terrible ache. at that point, i couldn't even put into words what it was all about.
i could've cited all kinds of reasons for why i felt this way. and some of those reasons are valid and quite understandable, but it was more than that. a confusing combination of things.
sometimes i wonder if i just come off ditzy to people b/c i laugh loud, belly-aching laughter. i say inappropriate things at inappropriate times--loving to slightly disturb people. i will incessantly tease in a light-hearted manner. sometimes i'll just say dumb things to make people smile, but then i feel like i'm coming off as stupid.
the inauthenticity of my smiles recently have been wearing and making me question who i really am. what i really feel. i wonder if i can actually be accepted--shitty moods and all. i wonder if my episodic depressions have driven people away from me. my ex in particular.
and then i worry about how that affects my current relationships. or how it will affect my future ones.
is it acceptable to cry? to whine at times? to have the bad habit of exhaustive rumination b/c i'm sometimes psycho and can't pull out of the downward spin?
but fuck. isn't that life? isn't that what relationships are about? shouldn't we extend grace to people that we love? listen when they're sad and out of sorts or just being crazy? when they're unable to step back from the microscope? when they're overwhelmed by the micro-situations or the macro unanswerables?
or, is that really too much to ask of people? i hate to be a burden. i know how burdensome it is to be around a depressed person whose vision gets blurry every time the silver lining is waved in front of their faces.
maybe what i'm wondering is: am i worth it? am i worthy of this extension of care?
i certainly wasn't worth it to my ex.
this pondering is unreasonable and useless, but i know i've uncovered part of why i've been feeling so pained lately.
i had what i thought was a 'home' for years. my 'safe place' that i could always to flee to. now that this has been pulled away from me, my displacement is all the more daunting and making me want to run. i've mentioned that the ones that i've gotten a chance to get near to are all leaving Korea w/in a year. it makes me want to figure out what the hell my next move is going to be. i want to flee the discomfort of these separations and forge a new path to avoid it all.
ugh. how ugly it is to actually pen that down, but i know that this is part of what's causing all of this roiling emotion. so at least i understand some of all of this.
i talked to my mom, and she wants me to stay here in Korea. both of my parents tell me they want me to learn the language and the culture. but, i have the seeping, creeping suspicion that they also want me to find a Korean man to settle down w/. this is *such* nonsense.
to curb some of those hopeful expectations, i told her that this is not even a remote possibility. i have too many issues w/ the Korean tenets of feminine submissiveness. that is not me, and i really don't think i could stomach interacting w/ men that way. Korean men (actually most men) will never be attracted to my personality. i'm too pushy and excitable and opinionated.my nearest are those that are fierce and strong and can handle my storms. and they have their own at times. this is a digression.
a few friends have suggested that my pissiness was due to the fact that i have gotten to the half-way point of my contract--the point where many people begin having impatient, itchy stirrings b/c they're actually feeling the oppressive thumb of these Korean employers. i'm sure this is part of it too.
my heart was feeling tight and explosive when my girlfriend from Chicago randomly found me online yesterday. she said two things that actually caused my muscles to begin to unclench: "you know you always have a home if you come back here" and "He's definitely w/ you today, and no matter where you go"
four hours of sleep until i say goodbye to Denise. 9 hours of work and then dinner w/ Dan so that we can begin to say goodbye to him as well. i'm trying not to feel too sad.
and then another night,
another day of work...
and then finally, the weekend.
in about 5 hours, one of my close friends in Korea is going to be leaving. 24 hours after that, another one will also be departing the peninsula.
this past weekend, the group--pretty much the only people i actually care about in this country--all spent time together as a final hurrah. there was much laughter and food and a generalized giddiness among everyone. but it hurt to smile.
all of the grief and uncertainties that i've been bemoaning were finally coming to fore, and it really sucked. i'm usually pretty good about just smiling it off and cracking a few jokes and holding hands and etc etc. i had a responsibility to be upbeat. but i just couldn't do it whole-heartedly and i know that it was noticable. the heaviness was on my face.
i got a few sidelong glances and a silently mouthed 'are you ok?'. and then a, "Mary, why are you so quiet?"
ugh.
attitude often will follow behavior and so i tried to perk up. but the more i tried to act happy, the more my insides twisted. i just can't be happy and fun and excited all the time.
i just needed to be sad. to let myself feel sad and let the pain come to surface and spill over.
and it did on Monday night. in a rush of tears and physical discomfort, deep deep in my stomach. but there was still a terrible ache. at that point, i couldn't even put into words what it was all about.
i could've cited all kinds of reasons for why i felt this way. and some of those reasons are valid and quite understandable, but it was more than that. a confusing combination of things.
sometimes i wonder if i just come off ditzy to people b/c i laugh loud, belly-aching laughter. i say inappropriate things at inappropriate times--loving to slightly disturb people. i will incessantly tease in a light-hearted manner. sometimes i'll just say dumb things to make people smile, but then i feel like i'm coming off as stupid.
the inauthenticity of my smiles recently have been wearing and making me question who i really am. what i really feel. i wonder if i can actually be accepted--shitty moods and all. i wonder if my episodic depressions have driven people away from me. my ex in particular.
and then i worry about how that affects my current relationships. or how it will affect my future ones.
is it acceptable to cry? to whine at times? to have the bad habit of exhaustive rumination b/c i'm sometimes psycho and can't pull out of the downward spin?
but fuck. isn't that life? isn't that what relationships are about? shouldn't we extend grace to people that we love? listen when they're sad and out of sorts or just being crazy? when they're unable to step back from the microscope? when they're overwhelmed by the micro-situations or the macro unanswerables?
or, is that really too much to ask of people? i hate to be a burden. i know how burdensome it is to be around a depressed person whose vision gets blurry every time the silver lining is waved in front of their faces.
maybe what i'm wondering is: am i worth it? am i worthy of this extension of care?
i certainly wasn't worth it to my ex.
this pondering is unreasonable and useless, but i know i've uncovered part of why i've been feeling so pained lately.
i had what i thought was a 'home' for years. my 'safe place' that i could always to flee to. now that this has been pulled away from me, my displacement is all the more daunting and making me want to run. i've mentioned that the ones that i've gotten a chance to get near to are all leaving Korea w/in a year. it makes me want to figure out what the hell my next move is going to be. i want to flee the discomfort of these separations and forge a new path to avoid it all.
ugh. how ugly it is to actually pen that down, but i know that this is part of what's causing all of this roiling emotion. so at least i understand some of all of this.
i talked to my mom, and she wants me to stay here in Korea. both of my parents tell me they want me to learn the language and the culture. but, i have the seeping, creeping suspicion that they also want me to find a Korean man to settle down w/. this is *such* nonsense.
to curb some of those hopeful expectations, i told her that this is not even a remote possibility. i have too many issues w/ the Korean tenets of feminine submissiveness. that is not me, and i really don't think i could stomach interacting w/ men that way. Korean men (actually most men) will never be attracted to my personality. i'm too pushy and excitable and opinionated.my nearest are those that are fierce and strong and can handle my storms. and they have their own at times. this is a digression.
a few friends have suggested that my pissiness was due to the fact that i have gotten to the half-way point of my contract--the point where many people begin having impatient, itchy stirrings b/c they're actually feeling the oppressive thumb of these Korean employers. i'm sure this is part of it too.
my heart was feeling tight and explosive when my girlfriend from Chicago randomly found me online yesterday. she said two things that actually caused my muscles to begin to unclench: "you know you always have a home if you come back here" and "He's definitely w/ you today, and no matter where you go"
four hours of sleep until i say goodbye to Denise. 9 hours of work and then dinner w/ Dan so that we can begin to say goodbye to him as well. i'm trying not to feel too sad.
and then another night,
another day of work...
and then finally, the weekend.
Monday, June 15, 2009
journal: 6.15.09
what is this inexplicable mood?
i'm really angry and sad these days. i can't identify where exactly this awful anguish is coming from. i've turned over the different possibilities in my mind and damnit.
i hate thinking and reflecting about some of that shit. i know it's not all about my not-so devastating history or the uncertain future or this shaky, stumbling present, but a lot of that is making me cringe and want to bite through my lip so i can actually feel something.
because today, tasting blood makes sense to me. hot coursing salty dark blood flowing off my chin and pooling into a grand mess down my legs and between my toes onto fake cobblestone. let me shiver uncontrollably and laugh at people w/ horror stricken faces.
this pain is probably a combination of different things, but there's a depth and a familiarity about this that frightens me.
maybe i just need to step back and take deep breaths and scream it out, but i feel like i'm in a cage
or i've been re-caged
or maybe i've walked right into a cage and locked myself in w/o thinking about it
but!
am i thinking at all these days?
i am a robot. i have no free agency. i do not know how to make anything happen in the world.
i am a random speck getting tossed and flipped and churned.
how awful this feels. i feel like don't have have control over anything. not even these dumb emotions.
ugh. i'm speaking in metaphors, but i have no idea how else to articulate these awful grandiose, self-agonizing sentiments.
God. i'm whining.
something i know for sure is that there has been a physical pain in the middle of my chest that probably has nothing to do w/ the lung cancer that is likely to be sprouting there.
i know it's not my period. i have no idea what the fuck is wrong w/ me. there are no good explanations.
i'm really angry and sad these days. i can't identify where exactly this awful anguish is coming from. i've turned over the different possibilities in my mind and damnit.
i hate thinking and reflecting about some of that shit. i know it's not all about my not-so devastating history or the uncertain future or this shaky, stumbling present, but a lot of that is making me cringe and want to bite through my lip so i can actually feel something.
because today, tasting blood makes sense to me. hot coursing salty dark blood flowing off my chin and pooling into a grand mess down my legs and between my toes onto fake cobblestone. let me shiver uncontrollably and laugh at people w/ horror stricken faces.
this pain is probably a combination of different things, but there's a depth and a familiarity about this that frightens me.
maybe i just need to step back and take deep breaths and scream it out, but i feel like i'm in a cage
or i've been re-caged
or maybe i've walked right into a cage and locked myself in w/o thinking about it
but!
am i thinking at all these days?
i am a robot. i have no free agency. i do not know how to make anything happen in the world.
i am a random speck getting tossed and flipped and churned.
how awful this feels. i feel like don't have have control over anything. not even these dumb emotions.
ugh. i'm speaking in metaphors, but i have no idea how else to articulate these awful grandiose, self-agonizing sentiments.
God. i'm whining.
something i know for sure is that there has been a physical pain in the middle of my chest that probably has nothing to do w/ the lung cancer that is likely to be sprouting there.
i know it's not my period. i have no idea what the fuck is wrong w/ me. there are no good explanations.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
throwing up in my mouth a little
와!!! 야!!!! 짜찡나!!!!
사람들 왤르케 잒음안 건들여??!!?
i was feeling so annoyed and bitchy and irritable yesterday. i thought that an evening of curling up w/ a book and tea and then 9 hours of sleep would cure me.
but NOO. apparently, i'm going to be as pissy today as i was yesterday. this does not usually happen to me--@ least it hasn't in a while. i don't know what's wrong w/ me, but i've been feeling quite flustered and frustrated every time i've turned around for the past 72 hours
those stupid bland remarks about
NOTHING
those dumb people slowly meandering down the crowded streets, blocking my forward motion
that crazy sales girl that wasn't receiving my leave-me-alone signals--she followed and followed me around
squeezing a litany of skin care products onto the back of my hand
AAAHHH!!! leave me alone!!
and why are there so many people who pretend to listen just because they want to give you all of their unasked-for expert advice
about
your life
i was feeling especially annoyed about those glam girls w/ their botox and surgery and perfect makeup
who never wash their hands after leaving the stalls
yuckyuckyuck!!
everything feels so dirty
this is why i got food poisoning
and i've had to listen to forever bitchy whining about how shitty life is--by someone who's life really isn't so bad--ARGH!
damnit.
i guess i'm guilty of this right now too, huh?
but i'm so sick of smiling when i don't feel like it
i'm sick of fucking playing along
with every
one
every
thing
dodging around those meandering crowds
blocking my way
i'm sick of nodding and keeping an even tone
those Korean Koreans who glare at me b/c of some cultural faux pas i don't fully understand--i am NOT Korean damnit!
i'm a selfish beast
i'm so tired
i'm over thinking things
everything
i'm going to try that book and a cup of tea again
or maybe another book
or maybe some prayer
or maybe some soju
or maybe some Midol--damnit! can't find that in this country
or maybe a smoke
damnit
maybe i'll have to cry it out tonight
사람들 왤르케 잒음안 건들여??!!?
i was feeling so annoyed and bitchy and irritable yesterday. i thought that an evening of curling up w/ a book and tea and then 9 hours of sleep would cure me.
but NOO. apparently, i'm going to be as pissy today as i was yesterday. this does not usually happen to me--@ least it hasn't in a while. i don't know what's wrong w/ me, but i've been feeling quite flustered and frustrated every time i've turned around for the past 72 hours
those stupid bland remarks about
NOTHING
those dumb people slowly meandering down the crowded streets, blocking my forward motion
that crazy sales girl that wasn't receiving my leave-me-alone signals--she followed and followed me around
squeezing a litany of skin care products onto the back of my hand
AAAHHH!!! leave me alone!!
and why are there so many people who pretend to listen just because they want to give you all of their unasked-for expert advice
about
your life
i was feeling especially annoyed about those glam girls w/ their botox and surgery and perfect makeup
who never wash their hands after leaving the stalls
yuckyuckyuck!!
everything feels so dirty
this is why i got food poisoning
and i've had to listen to forever bitchy whining about how shitty life is--by someone who's life really isn't so bad--ARGH!
damnit.
i guess i'm guilty of this right now too, huh?
but i'm so sick of smiling when i don't feel like it
i'm sick of fucking playing along
with every
one
every
thing
dodging around those meandering crowds
blocking my way
i'm sick of nodding and keeping an even tone
those Korean Koreans who glare at me b/c of some cultural faux pas i don't fully understand--i am NOT Korean damnit!
i'm a selfish beast
i'm so tired
i'm over thinking things
everything
i'm going to try that book and a cup of tea again
or maybe another book
or maybe some prayer
or maybe some soju
or maybe some Midol--damnit! can't find that in this country
or maybe a smoke
damnit
maybe i'll have to cry it out tonight
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
scattered thoughts on June the 9th, 2009
1:26am
damnit. i'm going to pay for this one. why am i starting this now? damnit. i think i'm doing the insomnia thing again. all the running around and travel had fooled my body into a normal circadian rhythm for about a month, but, ugh. i think that normalcy has come to an end.
tonight, i tried to read, but my mind just couldn't focus on the words. i decided i might try turning out the lights and closing my eyes and breathing deeply and letting my mind wander... but thoughts kept on enveloping me. all of these scenarios about what the next 6 months could end up looking like--where i might be in a year. is it insane that i have a hard time enjoying just *being* today?
but, i feel that i've been lazing around for the past 6 months. well, "lazing" isn't a fair estimation. i've grown and healed and developed a renewed sense of myself. i've walked w/ the Lord in a sweet and different way. i've gotten back in touch w/ who i am and who i am not--though, this is surely going to be a lifelong journey. my pulse has begun feeling more matched to the beat of Seoul, but, i'm spinning around in my summer flip flops wondering: 'what am i doing here? and what is next?'
i'm always concerned about time. i hate inefficiency like a lot of my fellow 'Perfect-Mes', though this manifests very differently for each one of us insaniees. i know it's not reasonable, but i like to know 'what the point' is. i'm sure that sounds incredibly dull and leaves no room for sponteneity or mess, but maybe i really am just boring as hell?
in my world, i feel fine w/ fluttering along aimlessly for a while, just for the sake of feeling the gentle Summer whispers on my skin or the touch of someone's lips or the hard cement under rubber soles. haphazard wandering and experience is amazing for some seasons--maybe a wonderful part of every season, but in the eventual eventualities of it all, i'd like to be able to have a cup of coffee w/ a beloved one and be able to make any kind of sense out of it.
obviously, sometimes you can't explain every messy or beautiful instance but, still... i want to be able to reflect on what it is that happened, or happens, or is happening right now.
a friend said something very encouraging to me last week that i'm trying to hold in my heart. as i was deliberating on a less formulated version of the above, she said:
"Mary, i feel like you're going to have such an amazing life"
how narcissistic is it that this is what encourages me and that i want to hold tightly onto this idea? but already, i feel that the life i've lived to date has already been incredibly chaotic and amazing and bright and dark and an overwhelming flood of events. but the road ahead is full of shifting shadows and the idea of venturing forward, as alone as i feel sometimes, is scary.
being w/ someone in general and in my case, for almost a decade, provided a fictious, though protective film of comfort. as long as it was his hand that held mine while we stumbled into the junkyard of life, the rusty twisted metal and the sharp edges could be admired, rather than feel so dangerous. now i'm worrying about tetanus shots or tripping into a rotating blade or just feeling bored in a Swiss city, population 3,000.
i just don't want to waste my time, my life. i know i know: "none of it's a waste", but my mind doesn't always work that way when contemplating the present and the future. i can always describe the fruits of the past, but sometimes i didn't actually taste them. this is unfortunate. yes. but the aftertaste isn't always so bad.
this would be easier for me if i had a home base. so when things get too confusing and life just feels like it's too much, that i could just say fuck it all and buy the next plane ticket. home.
i guess i can always skype. and email. and gchat.
maybe this 'amazing life' will be so b/c i don't have a home base. that the adventures i embark upon and the opportunities that get put in front of me will be in part b/c i don't have that precious safety net.
i can't picture myself being an 80 year old lady anywhere in the world. or even a 40 year old one. there's nothing that *i* want. this could be all backlash and reactionary railing against the status quo prison i found myself in for the past few years.
truly truly, i feel like i'm regressing back. when i was younger, i didn't want to be committed to anyone or any one thing when i was younger. i commited and it disastrously failed.
so now i'm really trying to figure out: well, what is it that i really want? i mean, hell!--that could fall apart too, but at least that would be a conscious life decision that i made, right? and i suppose i could cry and cry and then write about it all.
i'm flooded w/ the lust to just go go go and see and taste and feel and gasp and exploding scream at the top of a snow capped hike.
phew. 2:29am. i'm never going to get to sleep tonight.
damnit. i'm going to pay for this one. why am i starting this now? damnit. i think i'm doing the insomnia thing again. all the running around and travel had fooled my body into a normal circadian rhythm for about a month, but, ugh. i think that normalcy has come to an end.
tonight, i tried to read, but my mind just couldn't focus on the words. i decided i might try turning out the lights and closing my eyes and breathing deeply and letting my mind wander... but thoughts kept on enveloping me. all of these scenarios about what the next 6 months could end up looking like--where i might be in a year. is it insane that i have a hard time enjoying just *being* today?
but, i feel that i've been lazing around for the past 6 months. well, "lazing" isn't a fair estimation. i've grown and healed and developed a renewed sense of myself. i've walked w/ the Lord in a sweet and different way. i've gotten back in touch w/ who i am and who i am not--though, this is surely going to be a lifelong journey. my pulse has begun feeling more matched to the beat of Seoul, but, i'm spinning around in my summer flip flops wondering: 'what am i doing here? and what is next?'
i'm always concerned about time. i hate inefficiency like a lot of my fellow 'Perfect-Mes', though this manifests very differently for each one of us insaniees. i know it's not reasonable, but i like to know 'what the point' is. i'm sure that sounds incredibly dull and leaves no room for sponteneity or mess, but maybe i really am just boring as hell?
in my world, i feel fine w/ fluttering along aimlessly for a while, just for the sake of feeling the gentle Summer whispers on my skin or the touch of someone's lips or the hard cement under rubber soles. haphazard wandering and experience is amazing for some seasons--maybe a wonderful part of every season, but in the eventual eventualities of it all, i'd like to be able to have a cup of coffee w/ a beloved one and be able to make any kind of sense out of it.
obviously, sometimes you can't explain every messy or beautiful instance but, still... i want to be able to reflect on what it is that happened, or happens, or is happening right now.
a friend said something very encouraging to me last week that i'm trying to hold in my heart. as i was deliberating on a less formulated version of the above, she said:
"Mary, i feel like you're going to have such an amazing life"
how narcissistic is it that this is what encourages me and that i want to hold tightly onto this idea? but already, i feel that the life i've lived to date has already been incredibly chaotic and amazing and bright and dark and an overwhelming flood of events. but the road ahead is full of shifting shadows and the idea of venturing forward, as alone as i feel sometimes, is scary.
being w/ someone in general and in my case, for almost a decade, provided a fictious, though protective film of comfort. as long as it was his hand that held mine while we stumbled into the junkyard of life, the rusty twisted metal and the sharp edges could be admired, rather than feel so dangerous. now i'm worrying about tetanus shots or tripping into a rotating blade or just feeling bored in a Swiss city, population 3,000.
i just don't want to waste my time, my life. i know i know: "none of it's a waste", but my mind doesn't always work that way when contemplating the present and the future. i can always describe the fruits of the past, but sometimes i didn't actually taste them. this is unfortunate. yes. but the aftertaste isn't always so bad.
this would be easier for me if i had a home base. so when things get too confusing and life just feels like it's too much, that i could just say fuck it all and buy the next plane ticket. home.
i guess i can always skype. and email. and gchat.
maybe this 'amazing life' will be so b/c i don't have a home base. that the adventures i embark upon and the opportunities that get put in front of me will be in part b/c i don't have that precious safety net.
i can't picture myself being an 80 year old lady anywhere in the world. or even a 40 year old one. there's nothing that *i* want. this could be all backlash and reactionary railing against the status quo prison i found myself in for the past few years.
truly truly, i feel like i'm regressing back. when i was younger, i didn't want to be committed to anyone or any one thing when i was younger. i commited and it disastrously failed.
so now i'm really trying to figure out: well, what is it that i really want? i mean, hell!--that could fall apart too, but at least that would be a conscious life decision that i made, right? and i suppose i could cry and cry and then write about it all.
i'm flooded w/ the lust to just go go go and see and taste and feel and gasp and exploding scream at the top of a snow capped hike.
phew. 2:29am. i'm never going to get to sleep tonight.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
on the hill of tara
greens and whites and greys and blues
they all whipped my hair around
tangling it
my breath caught
while my eyes
drank
the vastness
the beauty that met the surface
piercing in
bright silent scream
echoes out and out
dark green and startling stone
this is what colors look like
they crossly crisscross
rolling on forever
well,
as far as my eyes could register
always expanding out
quickly they did
as they always do
never ending
always shifting
pretty
they all whipped my hair around
tangling it
my breath caught
while my eyes
drank
the vastness
the beauty that met the surface
piercing in
bright silent scream
echoes out and out
dark green and startling stone
this is what colors look like
they crossly crisscross
rolling on forever
well,
as far as my eyes could register
always expanding out
quickly they did
as they always do
never ending
always shifting
pretty
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
these crazy relationships
talked to my folk last night. there was such a comfort in hearing their voices--knowing that there were people in this world that care deeply about me, beyond conventional care and concern. those deep deep bonds that i share w/ my close friends are amazing as well, but family... there's something special about them, no?
my family--they've stuck w/ me, irrespective of how crazy i've been and despite what worldly anything i could offer them. in this life, i know i have frustrated them to no end (and they i) and have made them want to tear their hair out.
there's always been a disconnect. their crazy Korean conventions. their high-minded Christian ideals. the absurd generational differences. i got pretty damn good at pointing out their fallacious thinking and hypocritical behavior at times. i've raised my voice to piercing decibels at them.
how awful. but i have also been brought to the brink w/ enraged words that were quickly regretted, but never forgotten. i am old enough now to feel ashamed about how i have contributed to my family's dysfunction. but i know that they love me through all of this. i know i'm lucky to have a family like mine.
though my family is scattered across the planet, they're out there thinking of me. this makes me a little less anxious about the world.
my brothers often find me online knowing when i'll be on. sometimes they just bounce life news my way or ask me for advice. it's strange that they trust my judgment considering all of the horrendous mistakes i've made. but they know i'll give it to them straight. it's amazing that they have enough background about what's important to me *today*, and they make specific inquiries about those things.
my little brother often hails me w/ a "hi noona!", which endears the hell out of me.
he spent some time admonishing me about the direction i was going to take at a certain fork in the road. my plan was to take the more controversial path, and i could see him getting alarmed while still typing agitated words of love at me.
Peter. we know what we know and we generally agree on this issue, but i'm still probably not going to make the same choices you would.
"Noona. why would you do something you know isn't right for you?"
i don't know that it's not right. God's been talking to me differently these days. things are a bit more nebulous...
"c'mon. you have a pretty good idea."
meh. dunno... but... you'll still love me when it all blows up in my face, right? and not get into all the 'i told you so's'?
"of course!"
hee hee. my 동생.
"love you"
every morning, my parents rise while God purples the Arizona horizon and they climb up to a high point on a hillside to pray. they pray about a lot of different things, but i know i'm daily included.
because of this, i've taken to abject honesty about most elements my life. this is to the point where they'll avoid certain topics or change the subject if the content of my updates are a little too much for them. some of my friends are bewildered at my high level of disclosure, but i figure that if my parents are interceding for me, they should know what's going on.
my parents might have their insane qualities, but they are amazing people. i can't understand the depth of their love for people and for their three little ones. there really is a sense of stability in knowing that as the sun rises over the Arizona valleys and mountains, their voices are reaching the heavens.
i really don't know where life is going. a few years ago, i had all kinds of seemingly impossible fantasies about country hopping w/ a backpack. today, this has become a very tenable possibility, and i have to bite my lip in anxiety at this prospect. for about the past 2 weeks, i've been praying about direction and guidance for my life's path, now that my close friends are beginning to make plans to leave Korea and this chapter of my life. i pray, knowing that God will answer me at some point--but not until He knows that i'm damn well ready to be informed of His plans.
today, i randomly searched and have found there are a few ideal jobs (career-wise) in Egypt, Germany, and Saudi Arabia. (and California, but i don't want anything to do w/ the States right now.) it is surreal that i am even naming these countries as places that i might go to live. i really didn't expect any kind of answer from God so soon. i know, i know. this might not be some kind of divine answer, but i don't think these things are random.
i worry about loneliness in yet another foreign land, and i prayed about this as well. His answer for this came pretty quickly, and not in the form i expected. i've been dragging my feet w/ reading the Bible for the past few months--the proverbial "desert" i've heard too many sermons about. but this past week, i really felt like i should start "In the beginning" again.
and something has shifted in me. i've been falling into peaceful deep deep sleep as i've devoured most of Genesis. i can feel something different and alive coursing quietly through.
it seems that i need to learn this lesson from my Creator every few months, but it's rich and enervating every time.
He was telling me that He's still here. w/ me. wherever i go. that He affectionately loves the hell out of me. and that there *is* a Plan for my life. i feel like i can hear His warm laughter even as type these words. i am loved. i am blessed.
and i'm laughing a little w/ Him.
my family--they've stuck w/ me, irrespective of how crazy i've been and despite what worldly anything i could offer them. in this life, i know i have frustrated them to no end (and they i) and have made them want to tear their hair out.
there's always been a disconnect. their crazy Korean conventions. their high-minded Christian ideals. the absurd generational differences. i got pretty damn good at pointing out their fallacious thinking and hypocritical behavior at times. i've raised my voice to piercing decibels at them.
how awful. but i have also been brought to the brink w/ enraged words that were quickly regretted, but never forgotten. i am old enough now to feel ashamed about how i have contributed to my family's dysfunction. but i know that they love me through all of this. i know i'm lucky to have a family like mine.
though my family is scattered across the planet, they're out there thinking of me. this makes me a little less anxious about the world.
my brothers often find me online knowing when i'll be on. sometimes they just bounce life news my way or ask me for advice. it's strange that they trust my judgment considering all of the horrendous mistakes i've made. but they know i'll give it to them straight. it's amazing that they have enough background about what's important to me *today*, and they make specific inquiries about those things.
my little brother often hails me w/ a "hi noona!", which endears the hell out of me.
he spent some time admonishing me about the direction i was going to take at a certain fork in the road. my plan was to take the more controversial path, and i could see him getting alarmed while still typing agitated words of love at me.
Peter. we know what we know and we generally agree on this issue, but i'm still probably not going to make the same choices you would.
"Noona. why would you do something you know isn't right for you?"
i don't know that it's not right. God's been talking to me differently these days. things are a bit more nebulous...
"c'mon. you have a pretty good idea."
meh. dunno... but... you'll still love me when it all blows up in my face, right? and not get into all the 'i told you so's'?
"of course!"
hee hee. my 동생.
"love you"
every morning, my parents rise while God purples the Arizona horizon and they climb up to a high point on a hillside to pray. they pray about a lot of different things, but i know i'm daily included.
because of this, i've taken to abject honesty about most elements my life. this is to the point where they'll avoid certain topics or change the subject if the content of my updates are a little too much for them. some of my friends are bewildered at my high level of disclosure, but i figure that if my parents are interceding for me, they should know what's going on.
my parents might have their insane qualities, but they are amazing people. i can't understand the depth of their love for people and for their three little ones. there really is a sense of stability in knowing that as the sun rises over the Arizona valleys and mountains, their voices are reaching the heavens.
i really don't know where life is going. a few years ago, i had all kinds of seemingly impossible fantasies about country hopping w/ a backpack. today, this has become a very tenable possibility, and i have to bite my lip in anxiety at this prospect. for about the past 2 weeks, i've been praying about direction and guidance for my life's path, now that my close friends are beginning to make plans to leave Korea and this chapter of my life. i pray, knowing that God will answer me at some point--but not until He knows that i'm damn well ready to be informed of His plans.
today, i randomly searched and have found there are a few ideal jobs (career-wise) in Egypt, Germany, and Saudi Arabia. (and California, but i don't want anything to do w/ the States right now.) it is surreal that i am even naming these countries as places that i might go to live. i really didn't expect any kind of answer from God so soon. i know, i know. this might not be some kind of divine answer, but i don't think these things are random.
i worry about loneliness in yet another foreign land, and i prayed about this as well. His answer for this came pretty quickly, and not in the form i expected. i've been dragging my feet w/ reading the Bible for the past few months--the proverbial "desert" i've heard too many sermons about. but this past week, i really felt like i should start "In the beginning" again.
and something has shifted in me. i've been falling into peaceful deep deep sleep as i've devoured most of Genesis. i can feel something different and alive coursing quietly through.
it seems that i need to learn this lesson from my Creator every few months, but it's rich and enervating every time.
He was telling me that He's still here. w/ me. wherever i go. that He affectionately loves the hell out of me. and that there *is* a Plan for my life. i feel like i can hear His warm laughter even as type these words. i am loved. i am blessed.
and i'm laughing a little w/ Him.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
journal: 6.1.09
i'm fine.
i'm fine i'm fine i'm fine i'm fine.
i'm actually feeling ok, so far... i had a moment of anxiety last night as i considered the last cigarette i'd smoke for at least a year, but then i chided myself about how dramatic i was being. as i'm chiding myself now. it didn't even taste that good, and i was just smoking for the sake of smoking.
smoking sucks. my lungs have gotten that heavy out of breath feeling--at nights, in the mornings, and randomly throughout the day. it's not worth it. it stinks. it's been making my tongue feel raw and yucky. it's disgusting. and blah. don't need it.
somehow, surprisingly, i have not yet gotten to the point where the smell of cigarette smoke is appealing. it's still grossing me out a little. although, i'm sure i'll have my moments where i can't bear it b/c it hurts, it sucks, and i just want to scream forever b/c i want to smoke so bad.
today, i was thinking about why i was quitting in the first place and it made me want to cry. my fucking principled: "no more degradation!" harrangue. damnit. i guess i had to deliver at some point.
obviously, my past has a few sharp and raw and tragic points but... i don't know. today, i wondered about today. i wondered about what his life is like. i wondered about his family, his mother, his brothers, my sister-in-law, and their baby--my "ex"-niece, Jael.
i'm curious about what's happened to the photos of him and i. in his mother's and his brother's house. i wonder if i have fallen out of their photo albums--i actually started one for my brother and sister-in-law b/c i was always the one w/ the camera. i organized dozens of photos of Jael from when she was born and of "family" gatherings. i left empty leaves for future photos which they began to fill over the years.
there were pictures of their awful ramshackled little farmhouse on the day that they moved out into the next little farmhouse. i was there when Jael was getting spaghettios all over her chubbed cheeks.
when she was becoming able to steady herself into a standing position in her crib, i snapped a shot of her smile between the bars.
i remember when she began to form words. Jael used to call me "Auntie Mohni" b/c she couldn't pronounce the "r" in my name.
i remember the first time her eyes her lit up w/ recognition when she saw me. eventually, she would come tearing over to me, thrilling that i had come to play.
i watched her curious machinations many times in that out of the way farmhouse. the breezes floating in, soft sunlight on the floor, her mother and i stretched out on that cushy brown couch. talking life.
i wonder if Jael will remember me. i am curious what her parents have said about me and her uncle. i am certain that i was an unusual figure in her life, the Korean auntie. i know that Jael was not exposed to many other Asian faces for the first few years of her life. i'll probably show up in a dream years from now and she'll wake up confused about the impossibility of an Asian aunt.
it aches a little. i wonder about today and am curious about my replacement. it's awkward, i'm sure. but their family never talked about such deep things. i'm sure his ma has removed all of those little bits of memorabilia, as to not upset the family balance.
i sent her a box of everything i could find that she had given to me over the years. all of the birthday and Christmas gifts. being the sentimental person that she is, i knew that doing this would break her heart. but, i had to do it. i don't know how a mother could stand so idly by while her son acted in such a cowardly and heinous manner. my God. how embarrassing. i'd kick my brothers' asses if they behaved that way.
but, his ma was always the balancer. she would always sweep things under the rug. like when her drunk husband would say something racist or try to do something inappropriate to me. my dear ex-father-in-law tried to lick my foot and grab my ass more than a few times. he said something disgusting about 'stroking' me to my ex. she never protested until i began to.
she stayed silent when her daughter-in-law would leave her w/ the baby all day so that she could take a nap. his ma just helplessly shrugged her shoulders when her sons would drink too much and then drive intoxicated through the woods to get more booze. she would whisper annoyances under her breath, but would pat their cheeks gently, and then cook them dinner.
don't get me wrong. she was a sweet woman whom i had grown to love over the years. but i was alarmed that she could watch her son completely fall apart in the way that he did and not insist that he get some help. thus, i returned everything i could find that she had given me. i told her that it was clear to me that she had never seen me to be the "daughter" that she had claimed i was. how fucking tragic, huh?
but, i'm sure life is moving on for them as mine is. at some point, i will be just a strange, incongruent memory of a person who entered for 9 years, and then left.
our parents. they had such expectations for us, our family. they had such ideas about what our lives would be like (what we were supposed to be) and the future of our bizarre dynasty. we could see it all, in a strange and awful way, but it was the motion picture of other people's lives.
neither of us really wanted it b/c of the dysfunctionality that existed between us. we knew we couldn't have that life and actually be happy in the state we were in. but he never wanted to talk about anything. and you should know, i really really did try to make him.
so, no more degradation, right? it's been a year since all of that horrible trauma began. i don't need to smoke anymore. i should grow and be better to myself, huh?
i just ache a little about it all.
i'm fine i'm fine i'm fine i'm fine.
i'm actually feeling ok, so far... i had a moment of anxiety last night as i considered the last cigarette i'd smoke for at least a year, but then i chided myself about how dramatic i was being. as i'm chiding myself now. it didn't even taste that good, and i was just smoking for the sake of smoking.
smoking sucks. my lungs have gotten that heavy out of breath feeling--at nights, in the mornings, and randomly throughout the day. it's not worth it. it stinks. it's been making my tongue feel raw and yucky. it's disgusting. and blah. don't need it.
somehow, surprisingly, i have not yet gotten to the point where the smell of cigarette smoke is appealing. it's still grossing me out a little. although, i'm sure i'll have my moments where i can't bear it b/c it hurts, it sucks, and i just want to scream forever b/c i want to smoke so bad.
today, i was thinking about why i was quitting in the first place and it made me want to cry. my fucking principled: "no more degradation!" harrangue. damnit. i guess i had to deliver at some point.
obviously, my past has a few sharp and raw and tragic points but... i don't know. today, i wondered about today. i wondered about what his life is like. i wondered about his family, his mother, his brothers, my sister-in-law, and their baby--my "ex"-niece, Jael.
i'm curious about what's happened to the photos of him and i. in his mother's and his brother's house. i wonder if i have fallen out of their photo albums--i actually started one for my brother and sister-in-law b/c i was always the one w/ the camera. i organized dozens of photos of Jael from when she was born and of "family" gatherings. i left empty leaves for future photos which they began to fill over the years.
there were pictures of their awful ramshackled little farmhouse on the day that they moved out into the next little farmhouse. i was there when Jael was getting spaghettios all over her chubbed cheeks.
when she was becoming able to steady herself into a standing position in her crib, i snapped a shot of her smile between the bars.
i remember when she began to form words. Jael used to call me "Auntie Mohni" b/c she couldn't pronounce the "r" in my name.
i remember the first time her eyes her lit up w/ recognition when she saw me. eventually, she would come tearing over to me, thrilling that i had come to play.
i watched her curious machinations many times in that out of the way farmhouse. the breezes floating in, soft sunlight on the floor, her mother and i stretched out on that cushy brown couch. talking life.
i wonder if Jael will remember me. i am curious what her parents have said about me and her uncle. i am certain that i was an unusual figure in her life, the Korean auntie. i know that Jael was not exposed to many other Asian faces for the first few years of her life. i'll probably show up in a dream years from now and she'll wake up confused about the impossibility of an Asian aunt.
it aches a little. i wonder about today and am curious about my replacement. it's awkward, i'm sure. but their family never talked about such deep things. i'm sure his ma has removed all of those little bits of memorabilia, as to not upset the family balance.
i sent her a box of everything i could find that she had given to me over the years. all of the birthday and Christmas gifts. being the sentimental person that she is, i knew that doing this would break her heart. but, i had to do it. i don't know how a mother could stand so idly by while her son acted in such a cowardly and heinous manner. my God. how embarrassing. i'd kick my brothers' asses if they behaved that way.
but, his ma was always the balancer. she would always sweep things under the rug. like when her drunk husband would say something racist or try to do something inappropriate to me. my dear ex-father-in-law tried to lick my foot and grab my ass more than a few times. he said something disgusting about 'stroking' me to my ex. she never protested until i began to.
she stayed silent when her daughter-in-law would leave her w/ the baby all day so that she could take a nap. his ma just helplessly shrugged her shoulders when her sons would drink too much and then drive intoxicated through the woods to get more booze. she would whisper annoyances under her breath, but would pat their cheeks gently, and then cook them dinner.
don't get me wrong. she was a sweet woman whom i had grown to love over the years. but i was alarmed that she could watch her son completely fall apart in the way that he did and not insist that he get some help. thus, i returned everything i could find that she had given me. i told her that it was clear to me that she had never seen me to be the "daughter" that she had claimed i was. how fucking tragic, huh?
but, i'm sure life is moving on for them as mine is. at some point, i will be just a strange, incongruent memory of a person who entered for 9 years, and then left.
our parents. they had such expectations for us, our family. they had such ideas about what our lives would be like (what we were supposed to be) and the future of our bizarre dynasty. we could see it all, in a strange and awful way, but it was the motion picture of other people's lives.
neither of us really wanted it b/c of the dysfunctionality that existed between us. we knew we couldn't have that life and actually be happy in the state we were in. but he never wanted to talk about anything. and you should know, i really really did try to make him.
so, no more degradation, right? it's been a year since all of that horrible trauma began. i don't need to smoke anymore. i should grow and be better to myself, huh?
i just ache a little about it all.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
jet lagging, forever
jet lag. i've been walking through my days in a dreamlike state for the past 5 days. my head has felt hollow--like when i've gotten water in my ear and hear a echoing gong w/ every step i take.
i've wandered into my little glass office and sat back on that swivelly office chair and felt strange detachment from my surroundings. i've awoken several times each night to various states of the moon or the sun's movement filtering through the shifting curtains and the windows. almost everytime i've awoken, i've been caught w/ a sense of confusion: am i in Dublin? am i in Galway? where the hell am i? oh wait. i'm in Korea.
this has been a little dizzying and disconcerting and has caused me to wonder what it all means. i want to soar and fly off the edge into the forever clouds that carry all of my aspirations. if only i had enough money to do it all. blah. i hate money.
but, as i've been having conversations w/ my loved ones in Korea about their plans following the termination of their year-long contracts, i've begun to have both apprehension and excitement about the future unknown. they will all be leaving and i will have to figure out where i'm going to relieve my itchy feet. i was looking at international jobs online today and i realized that possibilities are fairly far-reaching.
i've got this master's degree in an arena of work that isn't necessarily what i want to commit to. it kills me a little that this is the source of my financial woes, and the reason why i cannot just go back to school for medicine or something. but there were jobs in Spain and Japan and Vietnam and Chile and the United Arab Emerits? i really could see the world and live in it if i wanted. getting a English teaching certificate isn't very difficult.
i think i have to stay in Korea for at least another year in order to get this language a little more fully mastered, but i'm open to anything i think. scary. exciting. exhausting. where the hell am i again?
oh right. i'm in Seoul.
i've wandered into my little glass office and sat back on that swivelly office chair and felt strange detachment from my surroundings. i've awoken several times each night to various states of the moon or the sun's movement filtering through the shifting curtains and the windows. almost everytime i've awoken, i've been caught w/ a sense of confusion: am i in Dublin? am i in Galway? where the hell am i? oh wait. i'm in Korea.
this has been a little dizzying and disconcerting and has caused me to wonder what it all means. i want to soar and fly off the edge into the forever clouds that carry all of my aspirations. if only i had enough money to do it all. blah. i hate money.
but, as i've been having conversations w/ my loved ones in Korea about their plans following the termination of their year-long contracts, i've begun to have both apprehension and excitement about the future unknown. they will all be leaving and i will have to figure out where i'm going to relieve my itchy feet. i was looking at international jobs online today and i realized that possibilities are fairly far-reaching.
i've got this master's degree in an arena of work that isn't necessarily what i want to commit to. it kills me a little that this is the source of my financial woes, and the reason why i cannot just go back to school for medicine or something. but there were jobs in Spain and Japan and Vietnam and Chile and the United Arab Emerits? i really could see the world and live in it if i wanted. getting a English teaching certificate isn't very difficult.
i think i have to stay in Korea for at least another year in order to get this language a little more fully mastered, but i'm open to anything i think. scary. exciting. exhausting. where the hell am i again?
oh right. i'm in Seoul.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
journal:5 23.09
i'm writing this in a state of jet lag and a deep cut on my right index finger so i suspect that my thoughts will meander to and fro. forgive me.
after 16 hours of traveling, 2 hours of laundry, and then about 10 hours of running around and catching up w/ friends, i found myself walking alone through the dewy night walkways of Yonsei University yet again. i felt a strange, but great wondrous relief to be "home".
i guess home is where all of my stuff is at. but, it's more than that. there is all kinds of displacement that plagues my sensibilities about where "home" is, but, just before i left for Ireland, my little brother--who is still living in Chicago--just told me that he's thinking of leaving the family home base.
so, i guess "home" is wherever i can place my bags and find a little bit of love. this causes me a bit of a melancholy and panicky feeling, but, also some excitement at the same time. i've said that often, but here it is again. i guess i just need to wear in this pair of jeans b/c i think these actually might be my perfect pair of everyday jeans.
leaving on this trip was strange and miraculous at the same time. i cannot believe that just a year ago, i had been planning a trip to Southern Illinois w/ my ex. the long road trip to a wedding that ended in a horrendous 5 hour drive home--going 90 miles an hour, weeping at the wheel. i can't believe i didn't accidentally drive off the road that day.
this was 51 weeks ago.
so much has happened since then. how cliche to say that it feels like a lifetime ago, but it was. hell. from hell and back and numerous bizarre side trips into the wilderness of seemingly haphazard choices. but they weren't. i know that God brought me here. i have done many things in a not so "Christian-like" manner, but i feel closer to God these days than i have in years. maybe this is b/c i have no choice but to rely on Him in a more authentic way, despite any of my questionable actions.
i don't know... all i know is that God wants me to be happy. i know that following His standards work in an ideal sense. and even in an un-ideal sense. but i believe that my interpretation of His standards has been pretty limited b/c of the culture i was brought up in. the "churched" culture that kept me understanding things in a certain way.
but i've been realizing how BIG God is. and how *beyond* my understanding. seeing more of the world and living in a different part of the world has helped me to break free from some of those ways of thinking. i know that this might sound like God is inconsistent, but i'm coming to understand just how solid He is and how frail and inconsistent my personhood is. my heart and mind changes as swiftly as a piece of ash that falls off my smoke and drifts on the loud sound currents of my speakers. (my iPod's on random shuffle right now. this is fun.)
i find it lovely that i traveled for hours on end to get to an island in the middle of everywhere. that i ran around a few random cities and saw mountains and crazy landscapes and bodies of water that my eyes have never before beheld. that i touched life w/ an old friend and held hands and met lips w/ a lover of mine. what does this all mean? hell if i know.
all i know is that i'm still young and still kinda pretty and my eyes can still see, my ears can still hear, my legs can still shake in the forward motion, and my heartbeat can still quicken in the face of beauty. these moments are all astounding blessings that God has granted to me as i've stomped my path on this rock.
i'm trying to write now b/c i know that in a week's time i'm going to freak out b/c i won't be able to hold a cigarette above my keyboard while i type. i'll probably have to stop typing b/c i'll be so pissed about it all.
i guess i'll talk more generally about my trip for now b/c i don't have the fortitude nor enough formulation power in my brain to keep it all together... things were interesting... and great? and fun... all regressive in a lot of ways, but maybe this is what i'm made of anyway? regression isn't all that bad as long as you don't lose yourself? i'm really hungry for the experience of travel and seeing the world. i want to soak it all in and feel it ALL.
some random snapshots of some things that come to mind--there are too many to give it justice, however:
sweet, funny, covert kisses in a hostel bunk; feeling slightly guilty that this might've been making others feel uncomfortable
feeling warm as i stared at an unfathomable vast valley of stone walls and florescent greenness
the bluest waves running hard, splashing into craggy rock
stumbling across the ruins of a castle in the middle of nowhere
the crooked limestone competing w/ the grand tufts of everywhere grasses
the pale blue moonlight falling across my vision in the hostel through an open sky light
spattering rain against the side bus windows while lying across a backseat, shushing lips
a moment of dizziness as i stared over the edge of the Cliffs of Moher into the ocean--so high above the soaring seagulls that they looked like little white flecks dancing in the wind
the racing clouds that quickly dictated the sunnyness or rainyness of the moment to moment to moment
after 16 hours of traveling, 2 hours of laundry, and then about 10 hours of running around and catching up w/ friends, i found myself walking alone through the dewy night walkways of Yonsei University yet again. i felt a strange, but great wondrous relief to be "home".
i guess home is where all of my stuff is at. but, it's more than that. there is all kinds of displacement that plagues my sensibilities about where "home" is, but, just before i left for Ireland, my little brother--who is still living in Chicago--just told me that he's thinking of leaving the family home base.
so, i guess "home" is wherever i can place my bags and find a little bit of love. this causes me a bit of a melancholy and panicky feeling, but, also some excitement at the same time. i've said that often, but here it is again. i guess i just need to wear in this pair of jeans b/c i think these actually might be my perfect pair of everyday jeans.
leaving on this trip was strange and miraculous at the same time. i cannot believe that just a year ago, i had been planning a trip to Southern Illinois w/ my ex. the long road trip to a wedding that ended in a horrendous 5 hour drive home--going 90 miles an hour, weeping at the wheel. i can't believe i didn't accidentally drive off the road that day.
this was 51 weeks ago.
so much has happened since then. how cliche to say that it feels like a lifetime ago, but it was. hell. from hell and back and numerous bizarre side trips into the wilderness of seemingly haphazard choices. but they weren't. i know that God brought me here. i have done many things in a not so "Christian-like" manner, but i feel closer to God these days than i have in years. maybe this is b/c i have no choice but to rely on Him in a more authentic way, despite any of my questionable actions.
i don't know... all i know is that God wants me to be happy. i know that following His standards work in an ideal sense. and even in an un-ideal sense. but i believe that my interpretation of His standards has been pretty limited b/c of the culture i was brought up in. the "churched" culture that kept me understanding things in a certain way.
but i've been realizing how BIG God is. and how *beyond* my understanding. seeing more of the world and living in a different part of the world has helped me to break free from some of those ways of thinking. i know that this might sound like God is inconsistent, but i'm coming to understand just how solid He is and how frail and inconsistent my personhood is. my heart and mind changes as swiftly as a piece of ash that falls off my smoke and drifts on the loud sound currents of my speakers. (my iPod's on random shuffle right now. this is fun.)
i find it lovely that i traveled for hours on end to get to an island in the middle of everywhere. that i ran around a few random cities and saw mountains and crazy landscapes and bodies of water that my eyes have never before beheld. that i touched life w/ an old friend and held hands and met lips w/ a lover of mine. what does this all mean? hell if i know.
all i know is that i'm still young and still kinda pretty and my eyes can still see, my ears can still hear, my legs can still shake in the forward motion, and my heartbeat can still quicken in the face of beauty. these moments are all astounding blessings that God has granted to me as i've stomped my path on this rock.
i'm trying to write now b/c i know that in a week's time i'm going to freak out b/c i won't be able to hold a cigarette above my keyboard while i type. i'll probably have to stop typing b/c i'll be so pissed about it all.
i guess i'll talk more generally about my trip for now b/c i don't have the fortitude nor enough formulation power in my brain to keep it all together... things were interesting... and great? and fun... all regressive in a lot of ways, but maybe this is what i'm made of anyway? regression isn't all that bad as long as you don't lose yourself? i'm really hungry for the experience of travel and seeing the world. i want to soak it all in and feel it ALL.
some random snapshots of some things that come to mind--there are too many to give it justice, however:
sweet, funny, covert kisses in a hostel bunk; feeling slightly guilty that this might've been making others feel uncomfortable
feeling warm as i stared at an unfathomable vast valley of stone walls and florescent greenness
the bluest waves running hard, splashing into craggy rock
stumbling across the ruins of a castle in the middle of nowhere
the crooked limestone competing w/ the grand tufts of everywhere grasses
the pale blue moonlight falling across my vision in the hostel through an open sky light
spattering rain against the side bus windows while lying across a backseat, shushing lips
a moment of dizziness as i stared over the edge of the Cliffs of Moher into the ocean--so high above the soaring seagulls that they looked like little white flecks dancing in the wind
the racing clouds that quickly dictated the sunnyness or rainyness of the moment to moment to moment
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
fools' dialogue
whoa. i'm going to keep this one short, but i have to mention that i went to the "3rd World DJ Festival" this weekend.
what the hell? it was a fucking *rave*. ridiculous.
i had fun dancing my ass off like i usually do, but oh boy, did this bring back memories from over a decade ago.
random costumes: lions and tigers and bears
oh my! is that a sexy nurse?
and a lot of shirtless boys walking around
flexing their muscles
glow sticks everywhere--in hands, around necks and wrists, twisted up in hair
stuffed animals
helter skelter dancing
passed out boys and girls
lips on cheeks and lips and hugs and
bright lipstick and eyeshadow glitter and
free love everywhere, honeys!
i felt a little old--though there were people my age there. i just couldn't believe i accidentally ended up @ a rave. it was *interesting* and some kinds of fun, certainly, but i don't know if i would've gone intentionally had i realized what it was. there were 10s of thousands of people there.
i haven't been to an outdoor party of this kind and this scope since high school. no drugs though (as far as i could see), but a LOT of soju and alcohol and drunk people. i stayed sober and just admired the phenomenal spectacle of it all.
i guess i could talk more about the party itself, but i've already described my "rave" experiences and blah blah a lifetime ago. so i'll just tell a terribly dumb story. there was alcohol, me in a cute dress, and a terribly drunk young man:
"baby, you're so beautiful." "baby, you're the only woman for me" (this is about 4 minutes into our conversation. i played along b/c he was making me laugh.)
"can i just love you? will you let me just love you?"
love me? you're drunk.
"i'm not drunk. i swear. can't you just let me love you?"
fine. sure sweetie, you can love me.
i really wondered how long this conversation would go. i went along w/ it b/c i was tired from dancing and was entertained by his persistence:
"baby, can i be honest w/ you? i really like you."
like me? you don't even know me. i could be a total bitch and you would have no idea.
"i can tell you're not a bitch"
how? tell me right now.
"i really like you... c'mon. stop laughing. look into my eyes. you really understand me."
i understand you? i understand that you're drunk.
"i swear, i'm not drunk."
you're going to wake up tomorrow and feel ridiculous about what you remember from this conversation.
"baby. i won't. b/c i really like you."
again, you don't even know me.
"i do know you. i get you. stop laughing."
tell me my favorite color. and again. you're going to have to remove that hand from my ass.
"i can see it in your eyes."
ahahahahaha!! you can see *what* in my eyes?
"that you get me. that you understand me."
i understand that you're drunk and horny.
i couldn't tell him to fuck off b/c he was friends of friends' friends. and, it was a non-threatening situation that really made me laugh.
the surrealness of the setting and the slutty diarrhea that came out of his mouth made me feel like i was in a very bizarre dream. at some point, i said that and told him i would write about him, but i had had enough.
i've written about these kinds of conversations before, but every time i sit down to do it, it feels like deja vu. women are amazing, and i'm sure some men are, but why do i keep on having these creepy man-whore interactions? is it something that i'm putting out there? am i just a magnet for dirty disgusting men? i suppose y'all can say i shouldn't even engage, but this is field study for me.
dragging him back to the group of our mutual friends, i sat him down on one side of the group and made my way to the other side. but he edged back on over:
"girl, i just want to spend some time w/ you. you know, you're a woman, i'm a man..."
i don't know what you're getting at for sure, but i'm hoping for all things decent, you're not saying what i think you're saying.
"girl, i live in Sinchon too. you wanna go back to my place?"
huh? excuse me? for what exactly? tell me right now.
"you know for what. do i have to explain it to you?"
i'm asking you to, b/c i'm hoping you're going to backpedal. i cannot believe we're having this conversation.
"baby, you're just so beautiful."
you've told me. thank you for your many compliments, but please know that you're not going to get any from me tonight.
"girl, i could fuck that shit up."
uh? huh?! tell me what that means?
"baby, you know what that means."
please tell me that you're saying you could beat my ass.
"you're really not going to let me love you?"
i turned to face him directly. i looked deeply into his eyes and gently touched the side of his face: sweetie. baby. darling. let me tell you something very clearly, b/c you are very drunk and i don't know if something is not connecting properly. are you ready? (he nodded.) please know that there is not even the remotest possibility that i would even kiss you. not even the smallest part of me is interested in getting into bed w/ you. and honestly, i've been pretty nice and have played along, but i'm really not planning to sit next to you after i'm done w/ this sentence.
fucking cartoons. these guys are fucking cartoons.
what the hell? it was a fucking *rave*. ridiculous.
i had fun dancing my ass off like i usually do, but oh boy, did this bring back memories from over a decade ago.
random costumes: lions and tigers and bears
oh my! is that a sexy nurse?
and a lot of shirtless boys walking around
flexing their muscles
glow sticks everywhere--in hands, around necks and wrists, twisted up in hair
stuffed animals
helter skelter dancing
passed out boys and girls
lips on cheeks and lips and hugs and
bright lipstick and eyeshadow glitter and
free love everywhere, honeys!
i felt a little old--though there were people my age there. i just couldn't believe i accidentally ended up @ a rave. it was *interesting* and some kinds of fun, certainly, but i don't know if i would've gone intentionally had i realized what it was. there were 10s of thousands of people there.
i haven't been to an outdoor party of this kind and this scope since high school. no drugs though (as far as i could see), but a LOT of soju and alcohol and drunk people. i stayed sober and just admired the phenomenal spectacle of it all.
i guess i could talk more about the party itself, but i've already described my "rave" experiences and blah blah a lifetime ago. so i'll just tell a terribly dumb story. there was alcohol, me in a cute dress, and a terribly drunk young man:
"baby, you're so beautiful." "baby, you're the only woman for me" (this is about 4 minutes into our conversation. i played along b/c he was making me laugh.)
"can i just love you? will you let me just love you?"
love me? you're drunk.
"i'm not drunk. i swear. can't you just let me love you?"
fine. sure sweetie, you can love me.
i really wondered how long this conversation would go. i went along w/ it b/c i was tired from dancing and was entertained by his persistence:
"baby, can i be honest w/ you? i really like you."
like me? you don't even know me. i could be a total bitch and you would have no idea.
"i can tell you're not a bitch"
how? tell me right now.
"i really like you... c'mon. stop laughing. look into my eyes. you really understand me."
i understand you? i understand that you're drunk.
"i swear, i'm not drunk."
you're going to wake up tomorrow and feel ridiculous about what you remember from this conversation.
"baby. i won't. b/c i really like you."
again, you don't even know me.
"i do know you. i get you. stop laughing."
tell me my favorite color. and again. you're going to have to remove that hand from my ass.
"i can see it in your eyes."
ahahahahaha!! you can see *what* in my eyes?
"that you get me. that you understand me."
i understand that you're drunk and horny.
i couldn't tell him to fuck off b/c he was friends of friends' friends. and, it was a non-threatening situation that really made me laugh.
the surrealness of the setting and the slutty diarrhea that came out of his mouth made me feel like i was in a very bizarre dream. at some point, i said that and told him i would write about him, but i had had enough.
i've written about these kinds of conversations before, but every time i sit down to do it, it feels like deja vu. women are amazing, and i'm sure some men are, but why do i keep on having these creepy man-whore interactions? is it something that i'm putting out there? am i just a magnet for dirty disgusting men? i suppose y'all can say i shouldn't even engage, but this is field study for me.
dragging him back to the group of our mutual friends, i sat him down on one side of the group and made my way to the other side. but he edged back on over:
"girl, i just want to spend some time w/ you. you know, you're a woman, i'm a man..."
i don't know what you're getting at for sure, but i'm hoping for all things decent, you're not saying what i think you're saying.
"girl, i live in Sinchon too. you wanna go back to my place?"
huh? excuse me? for what exactly? tell me right now.
"you know for what. do i have to explain it to you?"
i'm asking you to, b/c i'm hoping you're going to backpedal. i cannot believe we're having this conversation.
"baby, you're just so beautiful."
you've told me. thank you for your many compliments, but please know that you're not going to get any from me tonight.
"girl, i could fuck that shit up."
uh? huh?! tell me what that means?
"baby, you know what that means."
please tell me that you're saying you could beat my ass.
"you're really not going to let me love you?"
i turned to face him directly. i looked deeply into his eyes and gently touched the side of his face: sweetie. baby. darling. let me tell you something very clearly, b/c you are very drunk and i don't know if something is not connecting properly. are you ready? (he nodded.) please know that there is not even the remotest possibility that i would even kiss you. not even the smallest part of me is interested in getting into bed w/ you. and honestly, i've been pretty nice and have played along, but i'm really not planning to sit next to you after i'm done w/ this sentence.
fucking cartoons. these guys are fucking cartoons.
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