long sigh... maybe into relief

i have had the itch to get off of Korean soil.
i want to get away--somewhere--anywhere, to have adventures and travel and see things and meet people and taste things and experience it all.

for the past 2 weeks, i've scoured the net for jobs that are aligned to my career--not an unwise move, certainly, but i've only been in Korea for 7 months. i don't know if i should necessarily be so keen to close this chapter in my life. i think i need to calm down a little.

so here are the problems w/ me being here in Seoul:
there is no satisfying career for me here,
the pushy over-crowding,
the pollution--there is an actual cloud of smog i gaze through every morning towards the city,
my sense of displacement in the world,
the transitional impermanence of most of the people i meet and can relate w/,
my disconnect w/ the Korean culture and people--this part has felt especially upsetting to me.

i look Korean, i often understand the Korean being spoken to me, but i can't communicate. b/c of this, i feel that i am met w/ general avoidance, if not disdain.
this may/not actually be the case, but certainly, it feels that Korean people are pretty closed off to me. i explain this in part b/c of how i relate w/ people and also b/c of the fact that i'm female.

culturally, it's not appropriate for a Korean male to get too friendly w/ me b/c of the whole repressive sexual thing. from what i've seen, Korean men and women can hardly be close friends. even if i was looking for friendship w/ a Korean male, i wonder if it would be possible to surmount this hurdle. i've been on a few dates here and again. it seemed like if there was no sexual chemistry, there was just no chemistry. there was no point to try to relate. sad. who knows.
and you know women--we connect by talking our asses off. my paucity of Korean linguistic ability puts me at a disadvantage. i wish i could take a class or something.
but, there's a reservation among Koreans towards kyopos like me anyway. sure, i have their blood and their eyes and skin. i have some understanding of their language and culture, but i am obviously not in full compliance. my missteps are an insult, rather than ignorance to be laughed off or explained. i understand. kyopos are annoying--i know i can be as well. i'm trying to learn about Korean culture as best as i can w/o losing myself.
these are problems, but they are also excuses. i'll admit. i'm lazy. it's hard for me to have to work so hard at something that came so easily to me in an English speaking world.

but here it is. the most outrageous thing i have to say about why i want to leave Korea.
sure, these annoyances and frustrations aren't easy to live w/, but actually, these are very general problems. the issues are fairly insubstantial (except for the first and last part). if i pause long enough to raise an eyebrow at myself, these problems come in some form worldwide.
and inevitably. i'm a city girl at heart, so i'm probably going to have to deal w/ the mess of pollution and over-crowding for most of the rest of my life.

so what am i running away from?
i can't believe i'm saying this, but:
myself
it's fabulously cliched. it's very mid/quarter-life crisis of me.
get me out of this perm and sweatpants!
i've been examining my self and my life and my faults. i've allowed myself to get so riddled w/ the anxieties of yesterday and tomorrow that the only thing i can think of is: escape. it will be better elsewhere. if only i had... and... things would be better.
this is untrue and has been proven to me repeatedly.

that one thing and that other thing and... they are always smaller and less fulfilling and emptier than i had hoped. inevitably, i'm still the anxious, self-centered being w/ those special extra things i didn't even really want.

so what do i do w/ this nasty little revelation? well, i need to think some more... talk to God some more... apologize to some people about my hyperventilation over the past few weeks...

after that, i'm not sure.
my superego's telling me i need to go back to the States and get a career job.
my id is wavering in between leaving for another country or staying here and making the most of the rest of this year.
my ego? well, it's emotionally wrought trying to manage the other two.

but first, i really need to settle down. i need to get these shrieking emotions under control so that i can hear Him a little better.

every day. it's a process every single day. but tomorrow doesn't look so gloom and doom.