photos from Bali

this video doesn't have any kind of continuity b/c i didn't have time--but, i realized how close i was to finishing it when i got home yesterday and decided it was time to just put it out there. there were too many awesome things that happened during my time on this island to be explicated in a blog post--but here are some pictures that tell some kind of story.
anyway, it was amazing.

Bali photos

the hours in a day

if not at 11:41pm on the eve of yet another FULL day of teaching, then when?

it's been an incredibly long time since i've last written anything here. well, it might not actually be, but it certainly feels that way. i've been teaching university students and i ABSOLUTELY loveLOVElove it.
and i'm completely consumed by it.
and i'm utterly wasted, dead tired almost all the time.

time moves too fast on this job. though i'm only teaching 16 hours (Monday thru Thursdays), i easily spend 40 hours at the office. this is not to mention the homework i grade when i get home and the lesson planning i do on the weekends. there is always *something* to do. somethingsomethinganythingeverything--and i can't seem to turn off my brain until at least 3am.
four to five hours later, i resentfully hit my alarm clock and chase down the tasks that seem to race just a little ahead of me. i can barely catch sight of those tasks by 11pm--and THEN, my Type A personality makes me ponder the wisdom of just pushing forward through those last 120 quizzes to pass/fail so i don't have to grade them--*sometime later*. like while i'm sitting next to that sleeping ahjusshi on the subway tomorrow morning. or on the slightly greasy table of the ddukboki place in my neighborhood while eating a late dinner.
i'm hit by intermittent waves of dizzy-weary sometimes-satisfaction.

why the hell would i enjoy this?

i love seeing that suddenly light go off in his/her eyes when i explain something in a way that makes sense. this seems to happen at least once in a class. it's really pretty great.
but, you need the perfect storm of factors to all coalesce to make that moment happen: fairly bright students. a relatively calm classroom where most students are attending to you. an interesting explanation/example/conceptual explication of *some* point. some investment. the right blend of humor, charm, personality, and intimidation--and then *bing*. those two girls in the fourth row get it. and so does that row of guys sitting behind them--[or are they just pretending to get it because those two girls are wearing ultra short skirts?]

i also love that i'm *doing* something. that the students give a damn--if solely for the dangling carrot that is an A or A+.
i relish that fact that i feel exhausted after a day of working. i feel exhausted because something is getting accomplished.

HOWEVER, time is a slippery, mossy rope--and i worry that i'm letting it all pass too quickly. it's already the end of March--which is a quarter through the year. how did that happen? there were so many things i wanted to do this year.

well, i'm doing some of them. i did quit smoking. i'm taking a salsa class (i'm going to get good by summer!). i'm only spending time with people i reallyREALLY like and care about.

i've gotta get back on the writing.
and the ukulele playing.
and the sleeping.

9 weeks in

most of the time i feel calm and chilled out, but occasionally i am pummeled by waves of manic annoyance.

i want to rip my hair out. or bite through my cheek. or put my fist through a door.

yes. it's been a week and i've stayed smoke-free.

i know i've been gaining weight because my appetite is no longer being suppressed by nicotine. SIGH. i deserve this, i suppose. but, this is worth it. i'm so tired of being tired--physically, emotionally, spiritually--and quitting those fuckers is part of the cleansing process.

this is not to say that i've been a pristine saint, but this does mean that my determination for *another way* has been retained. these new shoes are no longer so new and the shine has been scuffed--but they are beginning to feel more comfortable as i'm wearing them in.

the Lord is my Shepherd, and hell, i do fucking WANT, but He's leading me by those quiet, still waters.

for once, there is some longevity in this season of restoration. i finally have some measure of peace.

i've been getting used to my new apartment, my new job, and this new perspective. i feel infinitely grateful for where i'm at.

i've been reading Psalms since the beginning of the year, and i've been seeing date markings in the margins. these pen scratches are from right before i came to Seoul in 2008. seeing those dates has made me smile; i can clearly remember my homeless crashing period on my friends' plush green couch and how uncertain and chaotic (though lovely) that time was. i remember my studious markings on that onion skin while curling up under a panoply of blankets.

this is nutty for me to consider, but, there it is: my 29 year old finger dipping into the soft, wet concrete of 2008. what a different person i was back then. what a completely different place in life. my expectations and sensibilities were completely unaware of this person that i would become. the places i would go to. the many lifetimes i would live while i began etching out a place for myself on this planet. or maybe i was finally letting myself be etched. i'm not sure.

it's not that i wasn't a person before i came to Seoul, but my development was undoubtedly stunted by the paths i chose to walk on when i was still a very young adult. i've looked at these past (nearly) 3 years since my separation from my ex, and it's incredible how much my direction has been altered.

again. i am infinitely grateful.

i am grateful that i am out of a relationship that made me passionless and exhausted. i am grateful for the many travel opportunities that i've had during my sojourn outside of the States. i am grateful for the chance to grow and develop in some profound ways (to me) and being able to see specific, positive changes. i am grateful that i'm finally beginning to taste and feel and hear and smell and touch Real things.

God is amazing. He truly is. since i began following Him in an authentic way, i haven't had any regrets. sure, there have been difficulties and mistakes and heartbreaks. there has been disease, poverty, and all manner of delicious pleasures that left me feeling empty. but the process of trusting and loving God has led me to a place where i can always find contentment. isn't that actually what the elusive "Fountain of Life" is? not-so-much the water that keeps you forever-happy and young; but, despite bruised and bleeding knuckles and a broken body, you can hoist yourself onto the Rock and actually find peace and rest.

i'm tired and it's only around 11pm. i've been unable to get my brain to stop working before 3-4am since Christmas Eve. i am ready to sleep at a decent hour. and also for this, i am grateful.