9 weeks in

most of the time i feel calm and chilled out, but occasionally i am pummeled by waves of manic annoyance.

i want to rip my hair out. or bite through my cheek. or put my fist through a door.

yes. it's been a week and i've stayed smoke-free.

i know i've been gaining weight because my appetite is no longer being suppressed by nicotine. SIGH. i deserve this, i suppose. but, this is worth it. i'm so tired of being tired--physically, emotionally, spiritually--and quitting those fuckers is part of the cleansing process.

this is not to say that i've been a pristine saint, but this does mean that my determination for *another way* has been retained. these new shoes are no longer so new and the shine has been scuffed--but they are beginning to feel more comfortable as i'm wearing them in.

the Lord is my Shepherd, and hell, i do fucking WANT, but He's leading me by those quiet, still waters.

for once, there is some longevity in this season of restoration. i finally have some measure of peace.

i've been getting used to my new apartment, my new job, and this new perspective. i feel infinitely grateful for where i'm at.

i've been reading Psalms since the beginning of the year, and i've been seeing date markings in the margins. these pen scratches are from right before i came to Seoul in 2008. seeing those dates has made me smile; i can clearly remember my homeless crashing period on my friends' plush green couch and how uncertain and chaotic (though lovely) that time was. i remember my studious markings on that onion skin while curling up under a panoply of blankets.

this is nutty for me to consider, but, there it is: my 29 year old finger dipping into the soft, wet concrete of 2008. what a different person i was back then. what a completely different place in life. my expectations and sensibilities were completely unaware of this person that i would become. the places i would go to. the many lifetimes i would live while i began etching out a place for myself on this planet. or maybe i was finally letting myself be etched. i'm not sure.

it's not that i wasn't a person before i came to Seoul, but my development was undoubtedly stunted by the paths i chose to walk on when i was still a very young adult. i've looked at these past (nearly) 3 years since my separation from my ex, and it's incredible how much my direction has been altered.

again. i am infinitely grateful.

i am grateful that i am out of a relationship that made me passionless and exhausted. i am grateful for the many travel opportunities that i've had during my sojourn outside of the States. i am grateful for the chance to grow and develop in some profound ways (to me) and being able to see specific, positive changes. i am grateful that i'm finally beginning to taste and feel and hear and smell and touch Real things.

God is amazing. He truly is. since i began following Him in an authentic way, i haven't had any regrets. sure, there have been difficulties and mistakes and heartbreaks. there has been disease, poverty, and all manner of delicious pleasures that left me feeling empty. but the process of trusting and loving God has led me to a place where i can always find contentment. isn't that actually what the elusive "Fountain of Life" is? not-so-much the water that keeps you forever-happy and young; but, despite bruised and bleeding knuckles and a broken body, you can hoist yourself onto the Rock and actually find peace and rest.

i'm tired and it's only around 11pm. i've been unable to get my brain to stop working before 3-4am since Christmas Eve. i am ready to sleep at a decent hour. and also for this, i am grateful.