on my walk home,
i watched the orangy-red sun blazing through the clouds
it looked like a water color painting
surreal.
i took a 1/2 hour run,
nearly killed myself--but it was a good kinda near death experience
i sweat through and through and through
salty skin
i am flesh and blood.
i strolled to my favorite little fruit stand
pondered over the overpriced dark purple grapes
i bought them
those and the fuchsia plums
firm. sweet.
i painted my toenails blue tonight
and as an afterthought,
i painted my fingernails as well
i remembered when blue fingers and toes were out of the ordinary
i guess i'm ordinary
this is ok.
i'm trying to recall what a real life is
am i real life?
or am i dreaming the painted sky
the sweet tang of grapes
the sweat on my upper lip
exploding lungs
am i lying in a coma from that violent assault 10 years ago?
sometimes i wish i could hit reset
go back to the blood and trauma of that incident
choose a different path
make different, less painful choices
but i would've missed the magentas of this Seoul sunset
and the dark purple grapes
firm and sweet
my favorites.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Sunday, July 5, 2009
finding something
i awoke to my alarm @ the audacious time of 5:45am on Saturday to go on a rafting trip w/ random strangers.
for the past two weeks, i've had some serious difficulties falling asleep. this is not new for me, but my emotional turbulence made the experience far far worse.
however, Saturday marked a full week since i'd done some deep introspection and sorting out and i was ready to do something good, something productive, for myself. i finally felt ready to try to grow again. it's been a while (if ever) that i've felt refreshed/renewed enough to really do this. and not in a superficial kind of--i'm going to take a class about something i'm interested in/i'm going to lose weight/i'm going to learn a new language--type of way. it's a bigger, more paradigmatic kind of shifting that's beginning to happen.
God. i know how pompous that might all sound, but remember: i'm learning how to do life again. it's actually only been about 7 months of my literally moving on. the initial months here in Korea were wild and novel and exciting and different. but, the realities of being 30, single, and in a bustling metropolis finally ground down on me.
here it is again. life. this isn't a hiatus. i can't just playplayplay and do whatever/whenever the hell i want.
for many years--close to 20, i was alive, but living in a hazy drifting state. i never felt quite real. i often felt like a wooden doll. moving to the rhythm of shifting gears. who was i? who am i? this is a brightly painted and contrived question, but i ask/ed it nonetheless.
i think i'm "there"--some of the puzzle pieces have clicked into place, but i'm not ready to describe it all out loud. some of it's too humiliating to even think about, but i'm grateful, even for these small self-revelations.
so when my alarm went off at 5:45am yesterday, i groaned, but opened my eyes feeling peace.
You are loved deeply, you silly girl. go and get up.
i changed into my swimming gear, my shorts and a tank, thrilled about the crispness of the Summer morning, thrilled about the quiet early dawning of a Saturday, thrilled that i am deeply loved.
i walked through the Yonsei forest. the familiar green canopy. the morning mists rising above the trees. i felt joyfully alone.
i am made of flesh and blood again. this felt new.
i spent three hours on a bus and ate lunch w/ a bevy of strangers of every ilk. there were a lot of 'getting to know you' conversations and i laughed and cracked jokes w/ them. some of them didn't get my commentary, but this made it all the more funny and gave me clues about who i should avoid. (you know, being 30 really ain't so bad. i'm smarter than the 22s and slightly younger/prettier than the 42s.)
when we got onto the river, i was immensely glad that i decided not to wear my flip flops. the rocks were sharp and the river flowed along pretty quickly. no one paid any attention to the cutie rafting instructor b/c he couldn't speak English. i felt bad for him so i began to translate. this resulted in that oh-so-sweet Korean familiarity which ended w/ him tossing me into the river a few times. i didn't make it easy for him though. and i made sure he came w/ me every time.
the backdrop was amazing. the verdant Summer ripeness of hills, the immense craggy rocks that towered around us, the stark white herons that flew above us.
we came upon a 20 foot cliff where we could dive from. i've only cliff doved once before in Maui off a 10 foot drop. even this was a bit of a harrowing experience--not knowing what was going to happen after the leap, almost expecting a foot to crash against unseen rocks below the surface, and the moments of exhilarating, irrevocable free-fall.
for some reason, while i gazed 20 feet below at the flowing river, i had no anxieties. only delicious expectation. hope.
my breath caught as i lept. water cooled sun-soaked skin. greenish light of the surface. speeding back upwards.
so there i was. floating on my back in a Korean river. gazing at the mists that staggered backwards against the mountains against more mountains. i felt deeply loved.
life. there it is.
for the past two weeks, i've had some serious difficulties falling asleep. this is not new for me, but my emotional turbulence made the experience far far worse.
however, Saturday marked a full week since i'd done some deep introspection and sorting out and i was ready to do something good, something productive, for myself. i finally felt ready to try to grow again. it's been a while (if ever) that i've felt refreshed/renewed enough to really do this. and not in a superficial kind of--i'm going to take a class about something i'm interested in/i'm going to lose weight/i'm going to learn a new language--type of way. it's a bigger, more paradigmatic kind of shifting that's beginning to happen.
God. i know how pompous that might all sound, but remember: i'm learning how to do life again. it's actually only been about 7 months of my literally moving on. the initial months here in Korea were wild and novel and exciting and different. but, the realities of being 30, single, and in a bustling metropolis finally ground down on me.
here it is again. life. this isn't a hiatus. i can't just playplayplay and do whatever/whenever the hell i want.
for many years--close to 20, i was alive, but living in a hazy drifting state. i never felt quite real. i often felt like a wooden doll. moving to the rhythm of shifting gears. who was i? who am i? this is a brightly painted and contrived question, but i ask/ed it nonetheless.
i think i'm "there"--some of the puzzle pieces have clicked into place, but i'm not ready to describe it all out loud. some of it's too humiliating to even think about, but i'm grateful, even for these small self-revelations.
so when my alarm went off at 5:45am yesterday, i groaned, but opened my eyes feeling peace.
You are loved deeply, you silly girl. go and get up.
i changed into my swimming gear, my shorts and a tank, thrilled about the crispness of the Summer morning, thrilled about the quiet early dawning of a Saturday, thrilled that i am deeply loved.
i walked through the Yonsei forest. the familiar green canopy. the morning mists rising above the trees. i felt joyfully alone.
i am made of flesh and blood again. this felt new.
i spent three hours on a bus and ate lunch w/ a bevy of strangers of every ilk. there were a lot of 'getting to know you' conversations and i laughed and cracked jokes w/ them. some of them didn't get my commentary, but this made it all the more funny and gave me clues about who i should avoid. (you know, being 30 really ain't so bad. i'm smarter than the 22s and slightly younger/prettier than the 42s.)
when we got onto the river, i was immensely glad that i decided not to wear my flip flops. the rocks were sharp and the river flowed along pretty quickly. no one paid any attention to the cutie rafting instructor b/c he couldn't speak English. i felt bad for him so i began to translate. this resulted in that oh-so-sweet Korean familiarity which ended w/ him tossing me into the river a few times. i didn't make it easy for him though. and i made sure he came w/ me every time.
the backdrop was amazing. the verdant Summer ripeness of hills, the immense craggy rocks that towered around us, the stark white herons that flew above us.
we came upon a 20 foot cliff where we could dive from. i've only cliff doved once before in Maui off a 10 foot drop. even this was a bit of a harrowing experience--not knowing what was going to happen after the leap, almost expecting a foot to crash against unseen rocks below the surface, and the moments of exhilarating, irrevocable free-fall.
for some reason, while i gazed 20 feet below at the flowing river, i had no anxieties. only delicious expectation. hope.
my breath caught as i lept. water cooled sun-soaked skin. greenish light of the surface. speeding back upwards.
so there i was. floating on my back in a Korean river. gazing at the mists that staggered backwards against the mountains against more mountains. i felt deeply loved.
life. there it is.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Korean July. monsoon season, 2am
it's monsoon season in Korea. i'm listening to it right now just outside my window. i can smell the rain and feel slight cool splashes through my screen.
i love the rain. especially listening to it at night. i always have.
i've found that those on the slightly depressive end like the melancholy and cleansing sensibilities about it. it reminds me a little bit about where i came from. brings it back down to the basics.
i need the basics these days.
i've been falling apart emotionally b/c of my overanalysis of certain realities and the certain uncertainties.
it been downpouring then receding. then quietly, it builds momentum again.
the rumbling thunder. another downpour.
then awful, debilitating sorrow. splashing and soaking me through.
but tonight.
the rain. cooling the overheated cracked asphalt. bringing relief and beginning to seep into the dusty soil. clearing the Seoul pollution for a little while.
it's finally coming together. my head. after so many years, it finally seems to be coalescing into an image of what my life is. what i need to decide about today. just today. one day.
enjoy the discordant thunder. be happy about love. remember that i Know. remember that i'm of worth and don't need to hide from myself. i need to have serenity about the fact that i may forget.
and it's ok to feel it all--i don't need to blunt the edges w/ my habitual distractions.
this meanders almost psychotically, but i'll remember what it means.
June 28th, 2009. my birthday.
i love the rain. especially listening to it at night. i always have.
i've found that those on the slightly depressive end like the melancholy and cleansing sensibilities about it. it reminds me a little bit about where i came from. brings it back down to the basics.
i need the basics these days.
i've been falling apart emotionally b/c of my overanalysis of certain realities and the certain uncertainties.
it been downpouring then receding. then quietly, it builds momentum again.
the rumbling thunder. another downpour.
then awful, debilitating sorrow. splashing and soaking me through.
but tonight.
the rain. cooling the overheated cracked asphalt. bringing relief and beginning to seep into the dusty soil. clearing the Seoul pollution for a little while.
it's finally coming together. my head. after so many years, it finally seems to be coalescing into an image of what my life is. what i need to decide about today. just today. one day.
enjoy the discordant thunder. be happy about love. remember that i Know. remember that i'm of worth and don't need to hide from myself. i need to have serenity about the fact that i may forget.
and it's ok to feel it all--i don't need to blunt the edges w/ my habitual distractions.
this meanders almost psychotically, but i'll remember what it means.
June 28th, 2009. my birthday.
5 days ago, 17 years ago
wrapping around my torso
encircling wrists
these beautiful chains
jingling around feet
stumbletears
back up across a waist
then loosely draping around
a neck crisscrossaround
like jewelry they are
these chains
admire them!tripping feet
they're fabulous
tanglingtighterevertighter
decades adorned
so pretty when they rust
turning skin seagreen
loosened shiny flecks
sparkle
raw redness and flashing silver
stumbletears
posesmile for this picture
forget the open sores
encircling wrists
these beautiful chains
jingling around feet
stumbletears
back up across a waist
then loosely draping around
a neck crisscrossaround
like jewelry they are
these chains
admire them!tripping feet
they're fabulous
tanglingtighterevertighter
decades adorned
so pretty when they rust
turning skin seagreen
loosened shiny flecks
sparkle
raw redness and flashing silver
stumbletears
posesmile for this picture
forget the open sores
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