so here's another one. another day and night. the more i think about the 'resolutions' that i need to make, the more i can see how wrong it is to even think too hard about the possibilities of being w/ someone who is still in a relationship. this is obvious.
well, it's easy for the objective observer.
girlfriends abound have the same thing to say: he sounds fucked up. he sounds like he's playing w/ you. something is wrong w/ that guy.
of course, that is the natural thing to think of an attached man who is flirting w/ another woman. i would say the same thing to any other friend who would present such an instance to me. fuckers they are. those fuckers. why can't men be faithful to their women??
i have to wonder though: is it possible to develop a friendship w/ someone you are attracted to? after you've crossed a line? after you've already kissed and discovered that his lips are compatible w/ yours?
it's hard for me to completely cut off a relationship w/ someone w/ whom i am fascinated by. it is ill-advised, i know. but i've decided that i have to test the waters. chemistry is difficult to find w/ friends and lovers alike. and i'm too intrigued by the situation. if the flirtation continues, then i must take the higher road and run away.
i MUST. i WILL. it would be disrespectful of me to continue to allow a tempting situation where we have to keep on resisting something that's stupid and wrong.
phew. it helps to put it out there.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
following my own code
it's been too long since i've posted, but my book-writing has completely stalled b/c of lack of motivation and direction. part of me knows that there won't be people checking my blog b/c of my long repose. so, it is w/ less trepidation that i can publically post such a blog.
hardly in my life have i had that authentic mind-racing type of chemistry w/ a man. off the top of my head, i can think of 4 men w/ whom that that has occurred. it would be dumb to name them all, but undoutedly, my ex-husband was one of them. when we first had met, the conversations were endless, the laughter constant. we would lay in my little twin bed and stare forever into each others' eyes while the sun traced across and down the walls. we would eventually be roused to action to order a pizza or stretch our muscles, soft kisses and enveloping each other comfortable hugs.
there is always so much to talk about when you find someone that 'just fits'. you begin to create that strange secret place that only you two share. this is true of most kinds of intimacy: the siblings, the friendships, the romances--the tree house fort that only select members know the password to enter.
there is a natural delight that occurs in the hearts of those that are being bonded. we are becoming better known. we all want to be valued and hear our name--to be chosen--selected and called specifically because of who you are.
when this happens in the context of a person that you're physically attracted to, there a different kind of excitement. like the childish adolescents that we are, we long to be w/ that person, hear them call or text or email or hear that knock on your door. and when they do, there is a release--like you've been holding your breath the whole time since the last time you heard from them.
now i describe this--not so much b/c that's where i'm at--in fact, i'm avoiding these types sensations b/c it is w/ a very wrong person. just b/c you feel the potential chemistry, you do not necessarily have to respond to it, right? you can make a choice to turn around and run in the other direction.
thus, after a few sudden, then delicious kisses--where i had forgotten what i was doing and gave into the desires of the moment, i turned and ran. i have had my life ruined by 'the other woman' and i cannot be her. it took some serious mental steeling for me to reject the text that followed my departure to "come back and sleep".
i must not be her. i cannot--i refuse. though this situation is drastically different from my ex-husband's infidelity... i can remember the devastating heart-rending, and the havoc that was wreaked in my life b/c another woman had no respect for the fact that she was taking something that was not hers. the more i reflect upon this, the worse i feel that i have stolen another woman's kisses. those were not for me to take. i should have flinched in horror, been repelled by the unfaithful nature of his heart.
there might have been chemistry, but that is probably b/c he likes women and knows well the art of seduction. and he has been w/ a lot of them. in the sweetness of the temptation, i was probably lying to myself--that we have such a connection, that he respects me, that there is *something* there.
ok. i must make some resolutions.
hardly in my life have i had that authentic mind-racing type of chemistry w/ a man. off the top of my head, i can think of 4 men w/ whom that that has occurred. it would be dumb to name them all, but undoutedly, my ex-husband was one of them. when we first had met, the conversations were endless, the laughter constant. we would lay in my little twin bed and stare forever into each others' eyes while the sun traced across and down the walls. we would eventually be roused to action to order a pizza or stretch our muscles, soft kisses and enveloping each other comfortable hugs.
there is always so much to talk about when you find someone that 'just fits'. you begin to create that strange secret place that only you two share. this is true of most kinds of intimacy: the siblings, the friendships, the romances--the tree house fort that only select members know the password to enter.
there is a natural delight that occurs in the hearts of those that are being bonded. we are becoming better known. we all want to be valued and hear our name--to be chosen--selected and called specifically because of who you are.
when this happens in the context of a person that you're physically attracted to, there a different kind of excitement. like the childish adolescents that we are, we long to be w/ that person, hear them call or text or email or hear that knock on your door. and when they do, there is a release--like you've been holding your breath the whole time since the last time you heard from them.
now i describe this--not so much b/c that's where i'm at--in fact, i'm avoiding these types sensations b/c it is w/ a very wrong person. just b/c you feel the potential chemistry, you do not necessarily have to respond to it, right? you can make a choice to turn around and run in the other direction.
thus, after a few sudden, then delicious kisses--where i had forgotten what i was doing and gave into the desires of the moment, i turned and ran. i have had my life ruined by 'the other woman' and i cannot be her. it took some serious mental steeling for me to reject the text that followed my departure to "come back and sleep".
i must not be her. i cannot--i refuse. though this situation is drastically different from my ex-husband's infidelity... i can remember the devastating heart-rending, and the havoc that was wreaked in my life b/c another woman had no respect for the fact that she was taking something that was not hers. the more i reflect upon this, the worse i feel that i have stolen another woman's kisses. those were not for me to take. i should have flinched in horror, been repelled by the unfaithful nature of his heart.
there might have been chemistry, but that is probably b/c he likes women and knows well the art of seduction. and he has been w/ a lot of them. in the sweetness of the temptation, i was probably lying to myself--that we have such a connection, that he respects me, that there is *something* there.
ok. i must make some resolutions.
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