i really really hate men. i despise them. not all of them, of course, but wow--those roots go deep.
however, i'm beginning to get some healing about that.
i'm kind of on an amazing ride with the Truth. i realize that as we become more aware of what the Truth actually is, we can receive healing because of the confidence we can have in what Reality is.
for ages, i've felt so completely subjugated by men and have had 2 specific inflammatory Biblical passages about women keeping their mouths shut tossed into my face. now intuitively, i knew that God didn't actually want to keep us ladies muzzled, but how can i argue with the Bible? either i trust in its contents or i don't.
and i do trust in the contents of the Bible. God is so real to me and has undeniably met me so many times, i can't turn my back on Him. and it's nonsense to me to simply pick and choose the things that i don't like.
thus, i've always looked at those inflammatory passages as something i didn't really understand, but knew that there was something more. there had to be more. my heart pounds with His call to raise my voice. God loves women and wants to hear ALL of our voices. He wants to hear us sing, and absolutely delights in us as we fully come into our identities as His kids. only then can we use our talents to their fullest potential.
the pastor of the church i go to these days seemed to be a man's man. when i first started going, i was pretty turned off by him because he came off kinda bull-headed at times. he reminded me a lot of the men who have stepped on me in ages past, and i had a hard time sitting through his sermons. however, because God had been so loudly talking to me during the services at that church, i felt too hungry to hear His voice so i HAD TO continue to attend.
it was this pastor--this "man's man" that preached a sermon today about those inflammatory passages and gave them depth and context. and actually, at the end of the sermon, he ended up honoring women, and it brought tears to my eyes. to hear a man--a Korean American man--speak against the silencing of women in the church was powerful for me.
anyway, it's extremely difficult to change a first impression. it's a psychological improbability. however, when the Truth is spoken, healing can occur. so, wow--though i don't agree with everything that the guy says, God has totally been using him to open my eyes to things i only had a vague sense of before.
yes. i absolutely despise men. they fucking suck. but, i'm realizing how this is not right and is absolutely problematic as i live another day, another week, another year. this hate degrades me--it should not be a part of me. the hurts and wounds of the past do not have to define me. inevitably, it doesn't matter what men have done to me. what matters is that i have worth because my Creator has given it to me. as i am trying to embrace my identity and the source of my hope, i feel like i can emerge from this cage of my hate. it seems like a better way to live.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Sunday, October 9, 2011
freedom
again. on the verge of tears.
what does it mean to truly be free?
tonight, i met up with a friend and we talked and talked and talked.
i have dark, hidden places that i have allowed almost no one into for years. decades, even. these are things that have caused serious anguish and an endless flow of tears.
why do we hide?
guilt. shame. humiliation.
i'm dirty.
but, this is not true.
my mind is being unlocked. i am becoming more conscious of the Truth. i am realizing what lies have led me to stay hidden for so many years. i am not a total fuck up. i have worth, simply in virtue of my creation.
as revelations have been dawning on me, i feel like i have been awakening. i do not have to keep my head down to avoid judgment. there is no judgment or condemnation, despite my failures.
my Purpose is not at all about any action or inaction. my Purpose is simply to allow myself to be Loved by my Creator--this is much harder than you would think. how strange/broken/corrupted is it that i struggle with allowing myself to be loved?
but i conjecture that many many many people struggle with allowing themselves to be loved. we don't let people in because we are insecure. in a way, we hate ourselves--and being honest about those things is dangerous. vulnerability is risky has hell. we've all been burned. however, the more vulnerable we are, the greater the depth of love we can receive. the life question becomes: just how vulnerable will we allow ourselves to be?
the Life question for me has become: will i agree with God that i am actually lovable to Him?
as i have been moving more in alignment with my Purpose, i have come to understand that i can be honest about my struggles with my loved ones. i can now do this for 2 major reasons:
1) i can see the top of the rabbit hole. i may fail in the process of exiting, but i absolutely know now that i WILL emerge.
2) i am much more than the resume of my misdeeds. and anyway, the opinions of others really does not affect the inherent worth of my being.
i was exhausted by myself this morning, but as i meditated on these principles, my heart lightened. i have begun opening up to the people around me and i am achieving a depth of relief that i never knew was possible. this in turn has made others open up and suddenly i have been glimpsing their cages of pain and wounding.
complete healing is not only possible, we need this healing in order to be free to fully live.
i have pondered the notion of freedom for many years and it seemed a vague impossibility for me. this is simply untrue. i don't have to live in this cage anymore. i have great anticipation that this journey that i've begun will finally kick the shit out of my demons. they deserve a beating.
what does it mean to truly be free?
tonight, i met up with a friend and we talked and talked and talked.
i have dark, hidden places that i have allowed almost no one into for years. decades, even. these are things that have caused serious anguish and an endless flow of tears.
why do we hide?
guilt. shame. humiliation.
i'm dirty.
but, this is not true.
my mind is being unlocked. i am becoming more conscious of the Truth. i am realizing what lies have led me to stay hidden for so many years. i am not a total fuck up. i have worth, simply in virtue of my creation.
as revelations have been dawning on me, i feel like i have been awakening. i do not have to keep my head down to avoid judgment. there is no judgment or condemnation, despite my failures.
my Purpose is not at all about any action or inaction. my Purpose is simply to allow myself to be Loved by my Creator--this is much harder than you would think. how strange/broken/corrupted is it that i struggle with allowing myself to be loved?
but i conjecture that many many many people struggle with allowing themselves to be loved. we don't let people in because we are insecure. in a way, we hate ourselves--and being honest about those things is dangerous. vulnerability is risky has hell. we've all been burned. however, the more vulnerable we are, the greater the depth of love we can receive. the life question becomes: just how vulnerable will we allow ourselves to be?
the Life question for me has become: will i agree with God that i am actually lovable to Him?
as i have been moving more in alignment with my Purpose, i have come to understand that i can be honest about my struggles with my loved ones. i can now do this for 2 major reasons:
1) i can see the top of the rabbit hole. i may fail in the process of exiting, but i absolutely know now that i WILL emerge.
2) i am much more than the resume of my misdeeds. and anyway, the opinions of others really does not affect the inherent worth of my being.
i was exhausted by myself this morning, but as i meditated on these principles, my heart lightened. i have begun opening up to the people around me and i am achieving a depth of relief that i never knew was possible. this in turn has made others open up and suddenly i have been glimpsing their cages of pain and wounding.
complete healing is not only possible, we need this healing in order to be free to fully live.
i have pondered the notion of freedom for many years and it seemed a vague impossibility for me. this is simply untrue. i don't have to live in this cage anymore. i have great anticipation that this journey that i've begun will finally kick the shit out of my demons. they deserve a beating.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Day Two
i've taken a step that i didn't think i'd ever do. i've begun confessing out loud. not just in the privacy of my own prayers and in the cover of silence. to a real person--that i don't even know very well.
if it wasn't already clear, i Love Jesus. i know that is confusing to some. and controversial to some. and really cliche to many. but Jesus is really fucking rad. and i'm continuously amazed by what having a relationship with Him means.
the amazing thing Today is how being bonded to Him bonds me to others who know Him as well.
there i was, over slices of pizza with a girl i only met a month ago, and had only exchanged about 3-4 emails with. we kept our conversation light, at first, but suddenly we were at the edge of the precipice of some of my deepest and darkest.
i took a deep breath, put my foot out and have begun falling.
for anyone who's held onto deep, hidden things--for years and years and years... you should know how frightening it is to finally admit things out loud. i've avoided this because of the implications. because of how my life will have to change.
it's hard to say how i got Here. not how i ended up in my personal Hell--that should be obvious. we are all animals that are subject to our instincts for our own forms of *pleasure* and tumbling so far down the rabbit hole that we can no longer fathom where the blue sky is.
i too, have long dreamed of fresh air and singing birds and golden sunlight warming my skin. and i have had moments of Truly tasting and hearing these things, but they always fade into murky memories. losing hold of the edge and sinking back into the mire. forgetting which way is up. time passes quickly.
the "Here" that i'm finding surprising is the soft unlocking of my mind to Real possibilities. yesterday, i said i've been on the verge of tears for the past few weeks. i've made some pretty crazy mistakes that have driven me deeply back into my dark places. but somehow, the sunlight has been reaching me.
it's strange because i have been pretty passive about my approach to God, saving for the conversations i have with Him on my commute and going to Sunday service.
however, i keep on getting that hot undefinable buzzing that covers my head and fills my ears and quickens my heartbeat. and suddenly those words, those memories, and sharp profound Truths surface. and it been filling my eyes with tears. of pain. of gratitude. of wonder.
for decades, i have been an island with a rabbit hole. sinking in and out and rejoicing and weeping. i am so tired of weeping over the same problems. this is not working. so, making those crazy mistakes--crossing that line once last time has finally driven me to this point of confession. out loud.
this is already someplace new. and i believe that there will be more.
if it wasn't already clear, i Love Jesus. i know that is confusing to some. and controversial to some. and really cliche to many. but Jesus is really fucking rad. and i'm continuously amazed by what having a relationship with Him means.
the amazing thing Today is how being bonded to Him bonds me to others who know Him as well.
there i was, over slices of pizza with a girl i only met a month ago, and had only exchanged about 3-4 emails with. we kept our conversation light, at first, but suddenly we were at the edge of the precipice of some of my deepest and darkest.
i took a deep breath, put my foot out and have begun falling.
for anyone who's held onto deep, hidden things--for years and years and years... you should know how frightening it is to finally admit things out loud. i've avoided this because of the implications. because of how my life will have to change.
it's hard to say how i got Here. not how i ended up in my personal Hell--that should be obvious. we are all animals that are subject to our instincts for our own forms of *pleasure* and tumbling so far down the rabbit hole that we can no longer fathom where the blue sky is.
i too, have long dreamed of fresh air and singing birds and golden sunlight warming my skin. and i have had moments of Truly tasting and hearing these things, but they always fade into murky memories. losing hold of the edge and sinking back into the mire. forgetting which way is up. time passes quickly.
the "Here" that i'm finding surprising is the soft unlocking of my mind to Real possibilities. yesterday, i said i've been on the verge of tears for the past few weeks. i've made some pretty crazy mistakes that have driven me deeply back into my dark places. but somehow, the sunlight has been reaching me.
it's strange because i have been pretty passive about my approach to God, saving for the conversations i have with Him on my commute and going to Sunday service.
however, i keep on getting that hot undefinable buzzing that covers my head and fills my ears and quickens my heartbeat. and suddenly those words, those memories, and sharp profound Truths surface. and it been filling my eyes with tears. of pain. of gratitude. of wonder.
for decades, i have been an island with a rabbit hole. sinking in and out and rejoicing and weeping. i am so tired of weeping over the same problems. this is not working. so, making those crazy mistakes--crossing that line once last time has finally driven me to this point of confession. out loud.
this is already someplace new. and i believe that there will be more.
Day One
i'm trying not to beat myself up. but, i've been a pretty fallen person for the past few weeks. i am a decidedly weak person who easily succumbs. i've got urges and i'm always responding to them. i generally don't rise above. i am an animal.
i'm a little averse to posting my continual history of failures on the Net, but i've gotta put this out someplace. keeping things in the dark is dangerous.
i've been on the verge of tears for the past 8 days. isn't that strange? why do people intentionally live in a way that causes pain? i'm sure i'm not the only one.
but inside of these failures--some of these tears have not been about pain. some of these tears have been shed because of fresh understandings i have begun to have about the important Things. some powerful God lessons. i realized that when i screw up, God is not disappointed in me. He grieves with me, but He doesn't think any less of me.
i have struggled with this lie for years. it has always taken me a while to come back and approach God after i've made mistakes because i feel so riddled with guilt. i hang my head in shame and feel like i can't come back until i've 'done my time'. when we fuck up with the human beings in our lives, we generally have to give them a cool-down period. we give each other space so that the sting of the mistake can fade. but God is not like that.
He gave me this image: i can see myself as a little girl, with wispy black hair and chubby cheeks. i am sitting on my Father's lap. my focus is on the toy i am inexpertly fiddling with. He is cuddling me really close and kisses my sweaty forehead.
the thing about this image that moves me is the utter tenderness i can see in His eyes. He absolutely adores the little girl in His arms. and even when she squirms and pushes Him away or screams at Him, He is still hopelessly in love with this little girl.
He is NEVER disappointed. even though He knows everything about me. every good and evil thought that crosses my mind. He knows how little patience i have with people. He knows all about my lusts and premeditated bad choices. He understands my chaos and turmoil. He is fully aware of my past and present. He knows exactly what will happen in my future.
if i actually Believe God--if everything in the Word is Truth--if i really am that wispy-haired little girl sitting on His lap, it would IMPOSSIBLE for Him to be disappointed in me. knowing what He knows makes disappointment existentially impossible for God. He can already see me fully restored. i'll be just like Jesus. He already sees me that way.
God knows the course i've been taking in these limited days--making mistakes and constantly returning to my vomit--but He still looks at me with that utter utter love. He's always cuddling that little squirming girl on His lap. no matter what i've done, He always will want to bend down and kiss my sweaty forehead.
why? i have no clue. His love is absolutely ridiculous. but everything inside of me knows that it is the most Real thing in the world.
i'm a little averse to posting my continual history of failures on the Net, but i've gotta put this out someplace. keeping things in the dark is dangerous.
i've been on the verge of tears for the past 8 days. isn't that strange? why do people intentionally live in a way that causes pain? i'm sure i'm not the only one.
but inside of these failures--some of these tears have not been about pain. some of these tears have been shed because of fresh understandings i have begun to have about the important Things. some powerful God lessons. i realized that when i screw up, God is not disappointed in me. He grieves with me, but He doesn't think any less of me.
i have struggled with this lie for years. it has always taken me a while to come back and approach God after i've made mistakes because i feel so riddled with guilt. i hang my head in shame and feel like i can't come back until i've 'done my time'. when we fuck up with the human beings in our lives, we generally have to give them a cool-down period. we give each other space so that the sting of the mistake can fade. but God is not like that.
He gave me this image: i can see myself as a little girl, with wispy black hair and chubby cheeks. i am sitting on my Father's lap. my focus is on the toy i am inexpertly fiddling with. He is cuddling me really close and kisses my sweaty forehead.
the thing about this image that moves me is the utter tenderness i can see in His eyes. He absolutely adores the little girl in His arms. and even when she squirms and pushes Him away or screams at Him, He is still hopelessly in love with this little girl.
He is NEVER disappointed. even though He knows everything about me. every good and evil thought that crosses my mind. He knows how little patience i have with people. He knows all about my lusts and premeditated bad choices. He understands my chaos and turmoil. He is fully aware of my past and present. He knows exactly what will happen in my future.
if i actually Believe God--if everything in the Word is Truth--if i really am that wispy-haired little girl sitting on His lap, it would IMPOSSIBLE for Him to be disappointed in me. knowing what He knows makes disappointment existentially impossible for God. He can already see me fully restored. i'll be just like Jesus. He already sees me that way.
God knows the course i've been taking in these limited days--making mistakes and constantly returning to my vomit--but He still looks at me with that utter utter love. He's always cuddling that little squirming girl on His lap. no matter what i've done, He always will want to bend down and kiss my sweaty forehead.
why? i have no clue. His love is absolutely ridiculous. but everything inside of me knows that it is the most Real thing in the world.
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