balancing those lemons

it is way too late on the eve of my first set of school meetings for my new job, but i am writing now because i cannot foresee the next time i'll get a chance to.

it's been a wild ride, these past 27 months in Korea. i can't believe how much i've lived since i've gotten here. there have been so many shifts and tweaks and changes in direction.

one of my closest friends from Chicago has come to Seoul 3 times since i've been living here--and of course, we have long discourses about *everything* whenever she's around. there are significant changes each time i get to discuss the important things with her. i know that she longs for us (me and other close friends who've moved here) to come back "home", but, with each of her visits, there is an increasing amount of permanence and stability in our Seoul lives. i am now the grudging owner of washing machine, refrigerator, and stove top. i've got a bed, a couch, bookshelves, and a heavy dining table in my ownership. i just signed a 3 year contract for internet services. sigh. i have mixed feelings about all of this. i didn't necessarily want this. i certainly didn't expect this.

owning appliances was where i came from, and i had made a semi-promise to myself that i wouldn't go back to *that* place... however, this time, it just felt right to head into this direction. i actually made these choices.

i'm 32, going on 33 in December. it's a weird place to be. there are things i'm told i should be thinking about--like investing into my future: career, retirement, romantic relationship, and what-have-you. but all i can think about is investing in my personal growth and my relationship with God. no doubt, there is a twinge of loneliness when i think about the fact that i don't have a warm body to sleep next to, or someone who thinks *of* me all the time...

as it is, i wonder how many days i would have to go missing before anyone would notice--and then how many days without me before people would actually become concerned. i'd say... a week and a half?

it's funny, because the person i'm probably in the most consistent contact with is my younger brother--and he's all the way on the other side of the world in Washington, D.C. in the past week since i've been moving into this apartment, i didn't have a Net connection and was too busy/tired to go find one at a cafe during all the packing and unpacking and rearranging. blah.

there were 2 people who sent me inquiries because they know how well-connected i usually am to the Net and were confused because they hadn't seen me. it warmed me to be thought of--that my absence left an idiosyncratic gap in their lives that only my *person* could fill. this love from my loved ones and my Lord feels like it's completely enough, for now.

let me examine this romance thing, yet again.

why the hell can't people believe that i actually like to being single?

i've spoken of singlehood often in the past 27 months, and i've had my waves of dis/comfort with this status.

however, for the past 3-4 months, i've felt steadfast in my joy as a single woman.

my mind gets all jumbled/confused and my volatility becomes even more intense when i'm dating or putting myself on the market. plus, i become a nympho when i'm actually getting sex, and that isn't a healthy place for me to be. i realize that i can't pull back (physically, emotionally, and spiritually) once i've gotten to a certain point, and i really can't afford to waste myself on just anyone anymore. sooo, because it seems fairly unlikely i'll find someone to fit my unrealistic list of 'must-bes', i just want to hold onto my satisfaction with my life as it is.

additionally, i know i'm a mess. i've got some serious existential and emotional problems to work through. i can't imagine bringing someone into that insanity. i've been able to bat down the typical desires that come along with being a relationship and my libido has finally responded to all of the cold showers. i just need to work on *myself* right now.

i bring this up because while i was traveling, i had propositions from 4 different men who were interested in me--it was pretty flattering. 3 of them understood what i was getting at when i started talking about being divorced and not wanting to be involved with anyone. the 4th, however, just sent me another strange email that alluded to some kind of future for us. DAMNIT. that really kind of ticked me off. how many times does a woman have to say 'i just want to be friends' before she has to cut him off? i don't want to hurt his feelings, but HELL.

is it impossible for a woman and a man to have a deep, platonic friendship? of the 4 men, i really connected with 3 of the 4 of them. however, when i started sensing that they were beginning 'think' something, i put up a detour and things cooled down quickly--even on the platonic level.

however, this last guy... i wonder if i'm being unrealistic to think that we might be able to be friends. in response to his email saying something about the 'future', i sent him one last email using capital letters. we'll see if our tenuous friendship can survive that. then, i suppose we'll see.

it's hard to believe how unstable i was when i first got to Seoul, but it's good that i've finally achieved a small measure of grounding.

it's hard to believe how many fucking mistakes i've had to make to learn a few, obvious lessons. i am one stubborn bitch. this is a terrible quality while i'm feeling self-destructive. however, my stubbornness doesn't seem so bad now. at least my feet have found something to balance on, you know?

2011 is a good year

it's 1am and my last night in this apartment. i'm surrounded by boxes and dust bunnies and filled with lots of contemplation about these past few years and the uncertain future.

a childhood friend died of cancer last month. i felt a deep sense of grief when i received the news. Seung was survived by a wife and two kids--the youngest was only 6 months of age when he was buried. his passing made my own health issues seem ever-more real and slightly more frightening. i had a chance to look at pictures of him and his family and my heart ached when i saw how gaunt Seung's face and body had become in his last few months.
it doesn't seem "fair", i guess. he was such a kind-hearted person. and i can say that he was truly a person that was made out of integrity. i grew up with Seung from elementary school through high school and intermittently saw him while i was at university. i remember his sardonic wit and no-nonsense attitude. he used to tease me about my bad perms and rough-house with me and the other kids on the 2-acre lot of our home church. he was my brother.
my mouth got dry when the pictures reflected his suddenly skeletal face, and i wondered if all of my joking around about my personal mortality would eventually become a self-fulfilling prophesy.

i'm reflecting upon this today because i've committed this year, 2011, to change and development. growth. i've stumbled and fucked up a few times already, but, i won't be dissuaded by failures this time. we're coming towards the end of the 2nd month of this year, and i can't believe that i'm still feeling locked into the commitments i've made to myself and God.
in the past, if i had been sentimental enough to make New Year's resolutions, i'd have already been exhausted by working SO hard to maintain them by the end of week 2. by month 2, i'd already be drowning in a pool of broken promises and eschew changes/development for another, more realistic time.

but, i've wasted so many years saying "next time", and now, i'm *through*. i'm certainly not through making mistakes--but, i'm through being dragged down by them. i'm still inordinately excited about what is to come. i *don't* know what that is, but i feel very reassured by my identity these days.

i can pursue my passions and interests and not necessarily need to see a return in them to feel satisfied--*that* kind of satisfaction is so temporal, anyway. it's nice to know that i can receive joy in simply being who i am. i want to more fully be who i was created to be.
i'm still figuring that out, but today--this day of boxes and dust bunnies--is a gift that was granted me to live and try to fulfill that purpose a little more. there is a reason i still breathe.

Seung, i don't know if you can read blogs in heaven, but if you can, your awesome example encourages me to keep on keeping on.

into 2011 and into Indonesia

so far, 2011 has been absolutely amazing.
there is something a little bizarre about me feeling this way, because i recently got some crazy health news--ironically, this news came just days after i had definitively made the lifestyle choices that would've made the testing unnecessary, had i chosen to be wiser sooner. however, it is what it is. pretty severe. pretty serious. but, pretty meaningless.
i'm through the erratic emotions phase of this bad News and i only occasionally stumble into the depression pit about it all. at the end of the day, i feel pretty awesome.


yesterday, i had a sleep-over with one of my girlfriends--a night filled with some deep conversation, junk food, laughter, tears, and story-telling. here's a moment that brought brought on a chagrined smirk:


me: you know my stories, M___. i sometimes feel a little pissed about the path of my life. really... why the hell do these things happen to me?
M___: i know. i don't know. but you're handling it all pretty well.
me: (half-smile) well, i've calmed down and gotten some perspective... it's funny because the few people i've talked to about this keep on telling me "you'll be ok. you'll be ok."--i know i'll be ok. (laughing) i'm pretty sure that they're mostly saying that so that *they'll* feel ok.
M___ laughed with me. then after a pause: do you mean you think you'll get better? or are you being more philosophical?
me: philosophical, of course... i've had 3 pretty fucked up things happen to me in my life--and i personally don't know many people who've been through one, if not more than one of these things... but it's not like my life is bad--i cannot complain about anything. sure, i've experienced pain, but i've received a ton of blessings.
M___: well, people get scared when you get too philosophical about permanent things.
me: like cancer and dying and all that shit?
M___: (shrugging) that scares people.
me: i know. but i'm not scared--i haven't been scared of that kind of thing in the more recent years... because really: who can number their days anyway?
M___ broke off a piece of an oatmeal cookie and handed it to me: well, i'm ready to go, whenever. well... not whenever--but whenever i'm done doing whatever i'm supposed to be doing on Earth.
me: that's exactly how i feel. who can know what happens tomorrow? or the next day? or the next month? (i nibbled on the cookie. it was good.) really, the DPRK could bomb us tonight. or, i could slip down the stairs and bust my head open. or, i could get hit by a car or something.
M___: (she burst out laughing) Mary, you've already been hit by a car.
me: (eyes widened, i shook my head) you're right. exactly right. i had forgotten about that.


so, what the hell can i do about anything? my destiny is not within my control. not really.


i can certainly make certain choices that results in a list of givens. i can choose to ride my bike, rather than walk. i can choose to stay on this side of the street, rather than crossing; i can ride slowly or quickly or ring the little bell that alerts that old man that i'm about to pass.
but, i can't control how fast that car was speeding down the alley, nor the direction the driver was looking when i was crossing his path. i can control that his mind was distracted by the argument he had with his wife that morning, nor the fact that he was late for work for the 2nd time that week.
i could not force my will upon how hard he pressed the gas pedal as he accelerated into my bike, nor how far it tossed me into the busy street. i couldn't stop from gasping when i hit the ground or stop the asphalt from biting into my hand.

however, i was able to stand up, brush the grit from my jeans and hands, and glare reproachfully at him because my shin had been bruised. i was able to grasp his shoulders and roughly tell him to be more careful when driving his shiny Benz.

i was able to ride my bike away from him to school, before i was late for my first class.

i can't control where my life goes, but i can try to connect and love people while i'm wandering the planet. traveling isn't easy, per se, but not having to daily grind helps me to be more aware/appreciative of the infinite value of the people who're breathing the same air as me.

while sitting on the sunny, smoky bus from the Ijen Volcanic Complex to Banuangi, Java--i felt a measure of sadness at the many people who begged for rupiah at every stop we took. the poverty is too pervasive for one person to change, but i bought some overpriced oranges from a gal who plopped onto the seat next to me, smiled, and coquettishly implored me in Bahasa. the uniformed school kids laughed because i could only speak from 1-10 in their tongue. an older woman looked at me suspiciously while i peeled an orange, but then smiled widely when i offered her some. sometime after this exchange, a young man and i spoke about what i should see and eat while i was on Bali for the following 9 days; we shared a clove cigarette while we talked.

beginning in on Indonesia

 this is what i did at work on Monday & Tuesday:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mLebPgy0KKE

i will begin going into depth on some of the things that impacted me on my trip to Indonesia as the memories begin to crowd. one of the most startling things i had to deal with was my privilege and wealth.
i said this already on my public blog, but HOLY SHIT. i don't know why the terrible depths of poverty wasn't more clear to me before. it's not like i haven't had exposure to low SES--in fact, my parents immigrated to America with $200, $100 of which my father gave to the church. i grew up in a pretty rough neighborhood, in a rodent infested apartment, eating government cheese and drinking powdered milk.
while i was counseling, most of my clients came from similar situations.
so little money, so few resources. life was hard. life IS hard.

but, the depths of poverty i saw in Indonesia... damn.
even the poorest people in the States are fairly wealthy compared to the low SES population i hung with on Java and Bali. my heart clenches and my breath feels constricted when i think about the hunger i witnessed. certainly not the worst of the worst, but these hungry people i came to call my *friends*.

this trip really opened my eyes a little bit more to what the world is: a fucked up and unfair place. but it's also a beautiful place, with beautiful people who are generous despite the fact that there is so little food.