balancing those lemons

it is way too late on the eve of my first set of school meetings for my new job, but i am writing now because i cannot foresee the next time i'll get a chance to.

it's been a wild ride, these past 27 months in Korea. i can't believe how much i've lived since i've gotten here. there have been so many shifts and tweaks and changes in direction.

one of my closest friends from Chicago has come to Seoul 3 times since i've been living here--and of course, we have long discourses about *everything* whenever she's around. there are significant changes each time i get to discuss the important things with her. i know that she longs for us (me and other close friends who've moved here) to come back "home", but, with each of her visits, there is an increasing amount of permanence and stability in our Seoul lives. i am now the grudging owner of washing machine, refrigerator, and stove top. i've got a bed, a couch, bookshelves, and a heavy dining table in my ownership. i just signed a 3 year contract for internet services. sigh. i have mixed feelings about all of this. i didn't necessarily want this. i certainly didn't expect this.

owning appliances was where i came from, and i had made a semi-promise to myself that i wouldn't go back to *that* place... however, this time, it just felt right to head into this direction. i actually made these choices.

i'm 32, going on 33 in December. it's a weird place to be. there are things i'm told i should be thinking about--like investing into my future: career, retirement, romantic relationship, and what-have-you. but all i can think about is investing in my personal growth and my relationship with God. no doubt, there is a twinge of loneliness when i think about the fact that i don't have a warm body to sleep next to, or someone who thinks *of* me all the time...

as it is, i wonder how many days i would have to go missing before anyone would notice--and then how many days without me before people would actually become concerned. i'd say... a week and a half?

it's funny, because the person i'm probably in the most consistent contact with is my younger brother--and he's all the way on the other side of the world in Washington, D.C. in the past week since i've been moving into this apartment, i didn't have a Net connection and was too busy/tired to go find one at a cafe during all the packing and unpacking and rearranging. blah.

there were 2 people who sent me inquiries because they know how well-connected i usually am to the Net and were confused because they hadn't seen me. it warmed me to be thought of--that my absence left an idiosyncratic gap in their lives that only my *person* could fill. this love from my loved ones and my Lord feels like it's completely enough, for now.

let me examine this romance thing, yet again.

why the hell can't people believe that i actually like to being single?

i've spoken of singlehood often in the past 27 months, and i've had my waves of dis/comfort with this status.

however, for the past 3-4 months, i've felt steadfast in my joy as a single woman.

my mind gets all jumbled/confused and my volatility becomes even more intense when i'm dating or putting myself on the market. plus, i become a nympho when i'm actually getting sex, and that isn't a healthy place for me to be. i realize that i can't pull back (physically, emotionally, and spiritually) once i've gotten to a certain point, and i really can't afford to waste myself on just anyone anymore. sooo, because it seems fairly unlikely i'll find someone to fit my unrealistic list of 'must-bes', i just want to hold onto my satisfaction with my life as it is.

additionally, i know i'm a mess. i've got some serious existential and emotional problems to work through. i can't imagine bringing someone into that insanity. i've been able to bat down the typical desires that come along with being a relationship and my libido has finally responded to all of the cold showers. i just need to work on *myself* right now.

i bring this up because while i was traveling, i had propositions from 4 different men who were interested in me--it was pretty flattering. 3 of them understood what i was getting at when i started talking about being divorced and not wanting to be involved with anyone. the 4th, however, just sent me another strange email that alluded to some kind of future for us. DAMNIT. that really kind of ticked me off. how many times does a woman have to say 'i just want to be friends' before she has to cut him off? i don't want to hurt his feelings, but HELL.

is it impossible for a woman and a man to have a deep, platonic friendship? of the 4 men, i really connected with 3 of the 4 of them. however, when i started sensing that they were beginning 'think' something, i put up a detour and things cooled down quickly--even on the platonic level.

however, this last guy... i wonder if i'm being unrealistic to think that we might be able to be friends. in response to his email saying something about the 'future', i sent him one last email using capital letters. we'll see if our tenuous friendship can survive that. then, i suppose we'll see.

it's hard to believe how unstable i was when i first got to Seoul, but it's good that i've finally achieved a small measure of grounding.

it's hard to believe how many fucking mistakes i've had to make to learn a few, obvious lessons. i am one stubborn bitch. this is a terrible quality while i'm feeling self-destructive. however, my stubbornness doesn't seem so bad now. at least my feet have found something to balance on, you know?