relate to me

it's nearly 2:30am on a Friday night. i just finished inputting about 50% of the progress reports that i had to finish for my 30 students, and i'm wide awake. my dear friend is sleeping on the floor beside me, completely knocked out from all the academic hurdles we've had to bound over for the past 3 weeks. we're nearly to the end of this crazy Summer camp and hell--we're counting down the days for this to be OVER.
i'm ready for the Summer to come to a conclusion so that i can regain a semblance of normalcy. but actually, i have no idea what that is. in fact, once this Summer's over, i expect that my world might feel like it's been turned inside out.

a lot of things have happened in the past few weeks that've tested the limits of my patience in addition to stretching me out as a person. i'm realizing what a selfish person i can be, concurrently with realizing that i've become an overly(?) independent person. this has been highlighted to me as i've been living with one of my closest friends in close quarters. it's been odd having her here--always having another's presence to mind, never feeling fully *alone*.
i realize that even though i've craved the alone time, actually having someone to come home to (or with, rather--because we work in the same office) hasn't been as wildly suffocating as i thought it would be. i still don't relish the idea of ever having to live with anyone, but i'm not as staunchly against the idea as i was before her arrival.

but there has been a relational break-down with another close friend, who i just didn't have the energy or fortitude to fight with. last week, i had felt pretty put off by her and scratched our conflict's surface the following day, but i never finished addressing it because there hadn't been adequate time/opportunity to do so. i just figured that we'd work it out when i had some time to think and breathe.
unfortunately, when i scratched the surface, she felt wounded and the sore grew into a festering pus-filled mess for her. i should've realized that she would be thusly affected, but my busyness and exhaustion and angst made me feel more selfishly invested in taking care of myself, rather than looking to her needs. it's a bit of a no-win situation for one of us--and i realize that maybe it should be me. i know i shouldn't have to cow-tow to anyone, but given that i'm probably more emotionally and socially aware than she is, it's more my responsibility to try to be loving and more forgiving and self-sacrificial than she.
she's been driving me nuts these days, but i think it's because we have both become more emotionally invested in our (newer) friendship--along with this type of scenario, conflicts will/must arise. it's odd though, because i usually do not have these kinds of conflicts with my friends. usually my friendships are much more even-keeled. conflicts are reasonably discussed over coffee or drinks or dinner--and more often than not, things are talked out before they actually become a full-blown conflict.
sigh. why are some people so complicated?

this Summer, both of these relationships have highlighted how *overly* independent i've become. i dunno--i've become a pretty damn independent person. i like to do most things alone. i need hours by myself a day otherwise i begin to feel demanded upon. i don't like to travel with people. i've stopped making new friends in Seoul because i'm sick of the 'getting to know you' conversations and dealing with fucked up personalities or the disappointment of losing someone back to their home country.
whenever i meet someone with even the slightest hint of neediness, i back way the hell back and hope to blend into the wallpaper when they're around. i've got a messed up contemptuous attitude towards neediness--i figure that if: ME, of all people, can learn emotional and social independence, why can't everyone else?
however, i'm beginning to wonder if my "independence" is more of a self-protective measure so that i can never feel disappointed by people. i just stay away from those whom i can sense will probably let me down (in some way or another) and keep things light and surface level with the other amicable people i meet. if you're a new person to me and happen to do something sloppy or shady: i don't really give a shit. i couldn't really count on you because i didn't really have any expectations for you anyway... and, you have no right to expect anything from me either.

is this selfishness?
is there a such a thing as "overly" independent?

i'm worried that i've developed some fucked up ideas about how to relate to people.

well, i'm staring at this computer screen through my smudged glasses, and my friend has just complained about me keeping the light on. because i love her, i will sign off for now.
i've got many things to ponder on. for now, in the dark, i suppose.

bloody Sunday

at what point can a person claim the title "Fool"?
[yes, i know... i too hate my own self-deprecation and wholeheartedly see the irony of that]
i am pondering: how many times can a person can learn something and then forget it and then re-learn it and then forget it--before truly deserving the title of Master of Foolishness?

but, here it is again, something that i've learned before, forgotten, then relearned again today. i don't know how many times i've learned this particular lesson. but well, to err is human, but to forgive, divine, yes? i must apply this forgiveness to the forgiveness of myself as well.
i don't give up. i can't. won't. for me, it is far better to bite my lip in humiliation, brush the detritus from my bleeding wounds, then rise back to my feet.
forgiving one's self is extremely difficult for a certain population of us humans, isn't it? i know this is an obvious question, but Self-Loathing is a very real experience for me. she has been one of my very favorite demons for decades. but i hope, for myself and the other Fools out there, when we re-learn--when we re-forgive--we also integrate a little something extra.

thus, i am sitting here, uncomfortable, with a headache and itchy skin. i feel weak and fidgety. this is a terrible combination of physical discomforts. i am also experiencing waves of peace and panic as i consider the unknown. it is a scary place.
but the common, the unchanged, the gaze upon my own reflection in the mirror and immediately forgetting what i look like--this is much worse than my trepidation and achy flesh. i am going pray while i continue to sit here, the Master that i am, hoping to push through my jitters and finally have this title fall from my shoulders.

better to run. scream. dance. tear at my hair. breathe. laugh. rest. sing. cry.

lather. rinse.
but this time, let me reel clean off the edge.

Taw

i've been pushed to the limit and have coped in pretty unhealthy ways...
the Spring transitioned into Summery monsoon and we are now moving into late Summer. i'm now officially halfway through a Summer camp as head teacher/coordinator, and of course, i'm utterly *exhausted*.

i'm sure it's annoying to continue to read my repetitive plaint: ugh! i'm a fucking mess. i feel especially bad today because i recently got reallyREALLY good news, but nullified the goodness of that news within 164 hours of receiving it.
but, that's not what i want to talk about tonight. i'm a mess, but God is really good to me.  He still meets me, and chooses to call me His daughter. i don't understand this. why does God give me chance upon chance upon chance?

despite the fact that i have once again made a bad choice that has put me right back into peril--despite the fact that i dodged a bullet, only to run back into the gunfire, i know my Redeemer lives. and He is active in my life.
this makes me feel weak. with gratitude and a hope for something better.

i had arduously plodded through chapter 119--the longest chapter in the longest book of the collection. i've been pretty lazy (avoidant?) about keeping up with my reading and reflection. i have a hard time reading upbeat exclamations of praise when i'm not doing so well. i know that's shitty and speaks to how messed up i am as a person. however, the thought that the writer closes up this helluva long chapter with is: "I have gone astray like a lost sheep; seek your servant, for I do not forget your commandments."

this was very comforting for me to read. i felt a little less alone in my astray-ness. i know i'm crazy. and neurotic. and tend to be insecure about the value of my personhood for much of my waking existence.
and the next part is also that i never forget Him. i can't. not after knowing what i know. and experiencing what i've experienced.
i also know i can't actually bring lasting change to these things without God's help.
i had a moment of thankfulness as i read that verse. God used that writer to speak to me when s/he put quill to paper--or whatever they used back in those days.
these glimmers of Grace, despite the brokenness of my existence remind me about what Love is. and there is nothing more True or Real about Who i really am. This is what gives me value.