long sigh... maybe into relief

i have had the itch to get off of Korean soil.
i want to get away--somewhere--anywhere, to have adventures and travel and see things and meet people and taste things and experience it all.

for the past 2 weeks, i've scoured the net for jobs that are aligned to my career--not an unwise move, certainly, but i've only been in Korea for 7 months. i don't know if i should necessarily be so keen to close this chapter in my life. i think i need to calm down a little.

so here are the problems w/ me being here in Seoul:
there is no satisfying career for me here,
the pushy over-crowding,
the pollution--there is an actual cloud of smog i gaze through every morning towards the city,
my sense of displacement in the world,
the transitional impermanence of most of the people i meet and can relate w/,
my disconnect w/ the Korean culture and people--this part has felt especially upsetting to me.

i look Korean, i often understand the Korean being spoken to me, but i can't communicate. b/c of this, i feel that i am met w/ general avoidance, if not disdain.
this may/not actually be the case, but certainly, it feels that Korean people are pretty closed off to me. i explain this in part b/c of how i relate w/ people and also b/c of the fact that i'm female.

culturally, it's not appropriate for a Korean male to get too friendly w/ me b/c of the whole repressive sexual thing. from what i've seen, Korean men and women can hardly be close friends. even if i was looking for friendship w/ a Korean male, i wonder if it would be possible to surmount this hurdle. i've been on a few dates here and again. it seemed like if there was no sexual chemistry, there was just no chemistry. there was no point to try to relate. sad. who knows.
and you know women--we connect by talking our asses off. my paucity of Korean linguistic ability puts me at a disadvantage. i wish i could take a class or something.
but, there's a reservation among Koreans towards kyopos like me anyway. sure, i have their blood and their eyes and skin. i have some understanding of their language and culture, but i am obviously not in full compliance. my missteps are an insult, rather than ignorance to be laughed off or explained. i understand. kyopos are annoying--i know i can be as well. i'm trying to learn about Korean culture as best as i can w/o losing myself.
these are problems, but they are also excuses. i'll admit. i'm lazy. it's hard for me to have to work so hard at something that came so easily to me in an English speaking world.

but here it is. the most outrageous thing i have to say about why i want to leave Korea.
sure, these annoyances and frustrations aren't easy to live w/, but actually, these are very general problems. the issues are fairly insubstantial (except for the first and last part). if i pause long enough to raise an eyebrow at myself, these problems come in some form worldwide.
and inevitably. i'm a city girl at heart, so i'm probably going to have to deal w/ the mess of pollution and over-crowding for most of the rest of my life.

so what am i running away from?
i can't believe i'm saying this, but:
myself
it's fabulously cliched. it's very mid/quarter-life crisis of me.
get me out of this perm and sweatpants!
i've been examining my self and my life and my faults. i've allowed myself to get so riddled w/ the anxieties of yesterday and tomorrow that the only thing i can think of is: escape. it will be better elsewhere. if only i had... and... things would be better.
this is untrue and has been proven to me repeatedly.

that one thing and that other thing and... they are always smaller and less fulfilling and emptier than i had hoped. inevitably, i'm still the anxious, self-centered being w/ those special extra things i didn't even really want.

so what do i do w/ this nasty little revelation? well, i need to think some more... talk to God some more... apologize to some people about my hyperventilation over the past few weeks...

after that, i'm not sure.
my superego's telling me i need to go back to the States and get a career job.
my id is wavering in between leaving for another country or staying here and making the most of the rest of this year.
my ego? well, it's emotionally wrought trying to manage the other two.

but first, i really need to settle down. i need to get these shrieking emotions under control so that i can hear Him a little better.

every day. it's a process every single day. but tomorrow doesn't look so gloom and doom.

journal: 6.22.09

i took the long long way back home the other day and saw a girl. she was probably in her mid-20s, dressed in a GS-26 uniform (one of the ubiquitous convenience store chains in Korea).
she was looking out towards the street, a bored forlorn gaze, as if she were hoping for something to happen.
it saddened me that it probably wasn't going to happen. not today anyway. those things only happen once in a while, and she was unlikely to be swept away from her minimum wage labor and out of the home of her overprotective parents. she will probably be watching passing cars polluting the Seoul air and making eye contact w/ the random passer-by for some indefinite amount of time. it is awful to think about.

Koreans have it so rough. it is difficult to imagine how they can keep on grinding away, day after week after month after years and years, w/ no sight of reprieve. they carry such a weighty, burdensome load, being a citizen of this fast-paced, hard-working, over-working nation.
and they work so hard for such a tiny little margin. they can barely house, clothe, and feed themselves, much less consider taking more than a long weekend off from their 70-100 hour work weeks.

i am a spoiled brat American who is complaining because she feels a little angsty. i know it's all bigger than me and i have no right to bemoan my circumstances.
not everyone gets a career that they feel fulfilled by. not everyone has a home or a family or friends they can count on. no one is immune from tragedy. no one is immune from depressing circumstances. everyone has the 'what next?' questions plague them from time to time.

i just miss my family. i miss a few very close friends. i just got asked to come in for a full day of work on Saturday and it made me cry all the way home. and then for about half an hour at my desk.
but i have a place to live. and food to eat. and every single physical need taken care of. and i have God who's watching my every move. He is the author of my life. my life does not need to be significant by any of my own standards. i'm significant because He created me and loves me, even when i'm not feeling very lovable. even when i feel angry and irritable and hate everyone and everything around me. in spite of.
it's unimaginable. i don't get it. i'm trying to get it, but i've lost my way these days. my vision has gotten quite, embarrassingly self-absorbed.

it's been a year since that awful, wonderful summer of unthinkable self-sacrifice. maybe the weather's reminding me of him, and what i went through. i'll even admit that in the midst of my tears today, i googled him. i'm not sure what compelled me to do this. this is very unlike me. fucking weird of me, in fact--but there it is.
he still hasn't changed his name back to his unmarried one. how awful for him. how strange. how much was lost. for both of us. part of me wishes he's ok. part of me wishes nothing for him and hates myself for even thinking about him.
i don't hate him. i'm hurt by all of this and the fact that i'm ruminating about certain aspects of our broken life together. will i ever be whole again? will the scars ever fully fade? will i be able to have another life where his presence doesn't echo through my mind?

i was completely broken last summer, but despite the overwhelming sharpness of misery and tears, i had a serious, tangible sense of supernatural love. Jesus kept me breathing. the Spirit was there w/ every sluggish pulse of my blood. i felt joy that was beyond any kind comprehension while i slept upon my sleeping bag in the upstairs hallway. here are the tears again. i remember. i remember.

i've been drowning myself into numbness because i didn't want to face any of this for the past few weeks. i took on any distraction so i just didn't have to feel or worry about the reality of things.

something God told me to think about was His protection and sovereignty over His children. and God doesn't change. He shows compassion for my own weak personhood. i've been reading through the Pentitude:
"the Israelites left Succoth and camped at Etham on the edge of the wilderness. the Lord went ahead of them. He guided them during the day with a pillar of cloud, and He provided light at night with a pillar of fire. this allowed them to travel by day or by night. and the Lord did not remove the pillar of cloud or pillar of fire from its place in front of the people." (Exodus 13:20-22)

He gave me this passage on the 9th, but reminded me to reflect on it just now.
i am not this GS-26 uniform. even if i'm wearing it today and end up wearing it next year, the Lord will go ahead of me. He will alway be present.
hello there God. it's me. again. you there?
sigh.
there it is again. a little bit of hope. for tonight.

the beginning of the goodbyes

whoa. it's been quite a week, and it's only Wednesday night...
in about 5 hours, one of my close friends in Korea is going to be leaving. 24 hours after that, another one will also be departing the peninsula.

this past weekend, the group--pretty much the only people i actually care about in this country--all spent time together as a final hurrah. there was much laughter and food and a generalized giddiness among everyone. but it hurt to smile.
all of the grief and uncertainties that i've been bemoaning were finally coming to fore, and it really sucked. i'm usually pretty good about just smiling it off and cracking a few jokes and holding hands and etc etc. i had a responsibility to be upbeat. but i just couldn't do it whole-heartedly and i know that it was noticable. the heaviness was on my face.
i got a few sidelong glances and a silently mouthed 'are you ok?'. and then a, "Mary, why are you so quiet?"
ugh.
attitude often will follow behavior and so i tried to perk up. but the more i tried to act happy, the more my insides twisted. i just can't be happy and fun and excited all the time.
i just needed to be sad. to let myself feel sad and let the pain come to surface and spill over.
and it did on Monday night. in a rush of tears and physical discomfort, deep deep in my stomach. but there was still a terrible ache. at that point, i couldn't even put into words what it was all about.

i could've cited all kinds of reasons for why i felt this way. and some of those reasons are valid and quite understandable, but it was more than that. a confusing combination of things.
sometimes i wonder if i just come off ditzy to people b/c i laugh loud, belly-aching laughter. i say inappropriate things at inappropriate times--loving to slightly disturb people. i will incessantly tease in a light-hearted manner. sometimes i'll just say dumb things to make people smile, but then i feel like i'm coming off as stupid.

the inauthenticity of my smiles recently have been wearing and making me question who i really am. what i really feel. i wonder if i can actually be accepted--shitty moods and all. i wonder if my episodic depressions have driven people away from me. my ex in particular.
and then i worry about how that affects my current relationships. or how it will affect my future ones.

is it acceptable to cry? to whine at times? to have the bad habit of exhaustive rumination b/c i'm sometimes psycho and can't pull out of the downward spin?

but fuck. isn't that life? isn't that what relationships are about? shouldn't we extend grace to people that we love? listen when they're sad and out of sorts or just being crazy? when they're unable to step back from the microscope? when they're overwhelmed by the micro-situations or the macro unanswerables?

or, is that really too much to ask of people? i hate to be a burden. i know how burdensome it is to be around a depressed person whose vision gets blurry every time the silver lining is waved in front of their faces.
maybe what i'm wondering is: am i worth it? am i worthy of this extension of care?
i certainly wasn't worth it to my ex.

this pondering is unreasonable and useless, but i know i've uncovered part of why i've been feeling so pained lately.
i had what i thought was a 'home' for years. my 'safe place' that i could always to flee to. now that this has been pulled away from me, my displacement is all the more daunting and making me want to run. i've mentioned that the ones that i've gotten a chance to get near to are all leaving Korea w/in a year. it makes me want to figure out what the hell my next move is going to be. i want to flee the discomfort of these separations and forge a new path to avoid it all.
ugh. how ugly it is to actually pen that down, but i know that this is part of what's causing all of this roiling emotion. so at least i understand some of all of this.

i talked to my mom, and she wants me to stay here in Korea. both of my parents tell me they want me to learn the language and the culture. but, i have the seeping, creeping suspicion that they also want me to find a Korean man to settle down w/. this is *such* nonsense.
to curb some of those hopeful expectations, i told her that this is not even a remote possibility. i have too many issues w/ the Korean tenets of feminine submissiveness. that is not me, and i really don't think i could stomach interacting w/ men that way. Korean men (actually most men) will never be attracted to my personality. i'm too pushy and excitable and opinionated.my nearest are those that are fierce and strong and can handle my storms. and they have their own at times. this is a digression.

a few friends have suggested that my pissiness was due to the fact that i have gotten to the half-way point of my contract--the point where many people begin having impatient, itchy stirrings b/c they're actually feeling the oppressive thumb of these Korean employers. i'm sure this is part of it too.

my heart was feeling tight and explosive when my girlfriend from Chicago randomly found me online yesterday. she said two things that actually caused my muscles to begin to unclench: "you know you always have a home if you come back here" and "He's definitely w/ you today, and no matter where you go"

four hours of sleep until i say goodbye to Denise. 9 hours of work and then dinner w/ Dan so that we can begin to say goodbye to him as well. i'm trying not to feel too sad.

and then another night,
another day of work...
and then finally, the weekend.

journal: 6.15.09

what is this inexplicable mood?
i'm really angry and sad these days. i can't identify where exactly this awful anguish is coming from. i've turned over the different possibilities in my mind and damnit.

i hate thinking and reflecting about some of that shit. i know it's not all about my not-so devastating history or the uncertain future or this shaky, stumbling present, but a lot of that is making me cringe and want to bite through my lip so i can actually feel something.
because today, tasting blood makes sense to me. hot coursing salty dark blood flowing off my chin and pooling into a grand mess down my legs and between my toes onto fake cobblestone. let me shiver uncontrollably and laugh at people w/ horror stricken faces.

this pain is probably a combination of different things, but there's a depth and a familiarity about this that frightens me.
maybe i just need to step back and take deep breaths and scream it out, but i feel like i'm in a cage
or i've been re-caged
or maybe i've walked right into a cage and locked myself in w/o thinking about it
but!
am i thinking at all these days?

i am a robot. i have no free agency. i do not know how to make anything happen in the world.
i am a random speck getting tossed and flipped and churned.
how awful this feels. i feel like don't have have control over anything. not even these dumb emotions.

ugh. i'm speaking in metaphors, but i have no idea how else to articulate these awful grandiose, self-agonizing sentiments.
God. i'm whining.

something i know for sure is that there has been a physical pain in the middle of my chest that probably has nothing to do w/ the lung cancer that is likely to be sprouting there.
i know it's not my period. i have no idea what the fuck is wrong w/ me. there are no good explanations.

throwing up in my mouth a little

와!!! 야!!!! 짜찡나!!!!
사람들 왤르케 잒음안 건들여??!!?

i was feeling so annoyed and bitchy and irritable yesterday. i thought that an evening of curling up w/ a book and tea and then 9 hours of sleep would cure me.

but NOO. apparently, i'm going to be as pissy today as i was yesterday. this does not usually happen to me--@ least it hasn't in a while. i don't know what's wrong w/ me, but i've been feeling quite flustered and frustrated every time i've turned around for the past 72 hours
those stupid bland remarks about
NOTHING
those dumb people slowly meandering down the crowded streets, blocking my forward motion
that crazy sales girl that wasn't receiving my leave-me-alone signals--she followed and followed me around
squeezing a litany of skin care products onto the back of my hand
AAAHHH!!! leave me alone!!

and why are there so many people who pretend to listen just because they want to give you all of their unasked-for expert advice
about
your life
i was feeling especially annoyed about those glam girls w/ their botox and surgery and perfect makeup
who never wash their hands after leaving the stalls
yuckyuckyuck!!
everything feels so dirty
this is why i got food poisoning
and i've had to listen to forever bitchy whining about how shitty life is--by someone who's life really isn't so bad--ARGH!
damnit.
i guess i'm guilty of this right now too, huh?

but i'm so sick of smiling when i don't feel like it
i'm sick of fucking playing along
with every
one
every
thing
dodging around those meandering crowds
blocking my way
i'm sick of nodding and keeping an even tone
those Korean Koreans who glare at me b/c of some cultural faux pas i don't fully understand--i am NOT Korean damnit!

i'm a selfish beast

i'm so tired
i'm over thinking things
everything

i'm going to try that book and a cup of tea again
or maybe another book
or maybe some prayer
or maybe some soju
or maybe some Midol--damnit! can't find that in this country
or maybe a smoke
damnit
maybe i'll have to cry it out tonight

scattered thoughts on June the 9th, 2009

1:26am
damnit. i'm going to pay for this one. why am i starting this now? damnit. i think i'm doing the insomnia thing again. all the running around and travel had fooled my body into a normal circadian rhythm for about a month, but, ugh. i think that normalcy has come to an end.

tonight, i tried to read, but my mind just couldn't focus on the words. i decided i might try turning out the lights and closing my eyes and breathing deeply and letting my mind wander... but thoughts kept on enveloping me. all of these scenarios about what the next 6 months could end up looking like--where i might be in a year. is it insane that i have a hard time enjoying just *being* today?

but, i feel that i've been lazing around for the past 6 months. well, "lazing" isn't a fair estimation. i've grown and healed and developed a renewed sense of myself. i've walked w/ the Lord in a sweet and different way. i've gotten back in touch w/ who i am and who i am not--though, this is surely going to be a lifelong journey. my pulse has begun feeling more matched to the beat of Seoul, but, i'm spinning around in my summer flip flops wondering: 'what am i doing here? and what is next?'

i'm always concerned about time. i hate inefficiency like a lot of my fellow 'Perfect-Mes', though this manifests very differently for each one of us insaniees. i know it's not reasonable, but i like to know 'what the point' is. i'm sure that sounds incredibly dull and leaves no room for sponteneity or mess, but maybe i really am just boring as hell?

in my world, i feel fine w/ fluttering along aimlessly for a while, just for the sake of feeling the gentle Summer whispers on my skin or the touch of someone's lips or the hard cement under rubber soles. haphazard wandering and experience is amazing for some seasons--maybe a wonderful part of every season, but in the eventual eventualities of it all, i'd like to be able to have a cup of coffee w/ a beloved one and be able to make any kind of sense out of it.

obviously, sometimes you can't explain every messy or beautiful instance but, still... i want to be able to reflect on what it is that happened, or happens, or is happening right now.

a friend said something very encouraging to me last week that i'm trying to hold in my heart. as i was deliberating on a less formulated version of the above, she said:
"Mary, i feel like you're going to have such an amazing life"
how narcissistic is it that this is what encourages me and that i want to hold tightly onto this idea? but already, i feel that the life i've lived to date has already been incredibly chaotic and amazing and bright and dark and an overwhelming flood of events. but the road ahead is full of shifting shadows and the idea of venturing forward, as alone as i feel sometimes, is scary.

being w/ someone in general and in my case, for almost a decade, provided a fictious, though protective film of comfort. as long as it was his hand that held mine while we stumbled into the junkyard of life, the rusty twisted metal and the sharp edges could be admired, rather than feel so dangerous. now i'm worrying about tetanus shots or tripping into a rotating blade or just feeling bored in a Swiss city, population 3,000.

i just don't want to waste my time, my life. i know i know: "none of it's a waste", but my mind doesn't always work that way when contemplating the present and the future. i can always describe the fruits of the past, but sometimes i didn't actually taste them. this is unfortunate. yes. but the aftertaste isn't always so bad.
this would be easier for me if i had a home base. so when things get too confusing and life just feels like it's too much, that i could just say fuck it all and buy the next plane ticket. home.
i guess i can always skype. and email. and gchat.

maybe this 'amazing life' will be so b/c i don't have a home base. that the adventures i embark upon and the opportunities that get put in front of me will be in part b/c i don't have that precious safety net.

i can't picture myself being an 80 year old lady anywhere in the world. or even a 40 year old one. there's nothing that *i* want. this could be all backlash and reactionary railing against the status quo prison i found myself in for the past few years.

truly truly, i feel like i'm regressing back. when i was younger, i didn't want to be committed to anyone or any one thing when i was younger. i commited and it disastrously failed.
so now i'm really trying to figure out: well, what is it that i really want? i mean, hell!--that could fall apart too, but at least that would be a conscious life decision that i made, right? and i suppose i could cry and cry and then write about it all.

i'm flooded w/ the lust to just go go go and see and taste and feel and gasp and exploding scream at the top of a snow capped hike.

phew. 2:29am. i'm never going to get to sleep tonight.

on the hill of tara

greens and whites and greys and blues
they all whipped my hair around
tangling it
my breath caught
while my eyes
drank
the vastness
the beauty that met the surface
piercing in
bright silent scream
echoes out and out
dark green and startling stone
this is what colors look like
they crossly crisscross
rolling on forever
well,
as far as my eyes could register
always expanding out
quickly they did
as they always do
never ending
always shifting
pretty

these crazy relationships

talked to my folk last night. there was such a comfort in hearing their voices--knowing that there were people in this world that care deeply about me, beyond conventional care and concern. those deep deep bonds that i share w/ my close friends are amazing as well, but family... there's something special about them, no?

my family--they've stuck w/ me, irrespective of how crazy i've been and despite what worldly anything i could offer them. in this life, i know i have frustrated them to no end (and they i) and have made them want to tear their hair out.
there's always been a disconnect. their crazy Korean conventions. their high-minded Christian ideals. the absurd generational differences. i got pretty damn good at pointing out their fallacious thinking and hypocritical behavior at times. i've raised my voice to piercing decibels at them.
how awful. but i have also been brought to the brink w/ enraged words that were quickly regretted, but never forgotten. i am old enough now to feel ashamed about how i have contributed to my family's dysfunction. but i know that they love me through all of this. i know i'm lucky to have a family like mine.

though my family is scattered across the planet, they're out there thinking of me. this makes me a little less anxious about the world.
my brothers often find me online knowing when i'll be on. sometimes they just bounce life news my way or ask me for advice. it's strange that they trust my judgment considering all of the horrendous mistakes i've made. but they know i'll give it to them straight. it's amazing that they have enough background about what's important to me *today*, and they make specific inquiries about those things.

my little brother often hails me w/ a "hi noona!", which endears the hell out of me.
he spent some time admonishing me about the direction i was going to take at a certain fork in the road. my plan was to take the more controversial path, and i could see him getting alarmed while still typing agitated words of love at me.
Peter. we know what we know and we generally agree on this issue, but i'm still probably not going to make the same choices you would.
"Noona. why would you do something you know isn't right for you?"
i don't know that it's not right. God's been talking to me differently these days. things are a bit more nebulous...
"c'mon. you have a pretty good idea."
meh. dunno... but... you'll still love me when it all blows up in my face, right? and not get into all the 'i told you so's'?
"of course!"
hee hee. my 동생.
"love you"

every morning, my parents rise while God purples the Arizona horizon and they climb up to a high point on a hillside to pray. they pray about a lot of different things, but i know i'm daily included.
because of this, i've taken to abject honesty about most elements my life. this is to the point where they'll avoid certain topics or change the subject if the content of my updates are a little too much for them. some of my friends are bewildered at my high level of disclosure, but i figure that if my parents are interceding for me, they should know what's going on.
my parents might have their insane qualities, but they are amazing people. i can't understand the depth of their love for people and for their three little ones. there really is a sense of stability in knowing that as the sun rises over the Arizona valleys and mountains, their voices are reaching the heavens.

i really don't know where life is going. a few years ago, i had all kinds of seemingly impossible fantasies about country hopping w/ a backpack. today, this has become a very tenable possibility, and i have to bite my lip in anxiety at this prospect. for about the past 2 weeks, i've been praying about direction and guidance for my life's path, now that my close friends are beginning to make plans to leave Korea and this chapter of my life. i pray, knowing that God will answer me at some point--but not until He knows that i'm damn well ready to be informed of His plans.
today, i randomly searched and have found there are a few ideal jobs (career-wise) in Egypt, Germany, and Saudi Arabia. (and California, but i don't want anything to do w/ the States right now.) it is surreal that i am even naming these countries as places that i might go to live. i really didn't expect any kind of answer from God so soon. i know, i know. this might not be some kind of divine answer, but i don't think these things are random.

i worry about loneliness in yet another foreign land, and i prayed about this as well. His answer for this came pretty quickly, and not in the form i expected. i've been dragging my feet w/ reading the Bible for the past few months--the proverbial "desert" i've heard too many sermons about. but this past week, i really felt like i should start "In the beginning" again.
and something has shifted in me. i've been falling into peaceful deep deep sleep as i've devoured most of Genesis. i can feel something different and alive coursing quietly through.

it seems that i need to learn this lesson from my Creator every few months, but it's rich and enervating every time.

He was telling me that He's still here. w/ me. wherever i go. that He affectionately loves the hell out of me. and that there *is* a Plan for my life. i feel like i can hear His warm laughter even as type these words. i am loved. i am blessed.
and i'm laughing a little w/ Him.