journal: 6.22.09

i took the long long way back home the other day and saw a girl. she was probably in her mid-20s, dressed in a GS-26 uniform (one of the ubiquitous convenience store chains in Korea).
she was looking out towards the street, a bored forlorn gaze, as if she were hoping for something to happen.
it saddened me that it probably wasn't going to happen. not today anyway. those things only happen once in a while, and she was unlikely to be swept away from her minimum wage labor and out of the home of her overprotective parents. she will probably be watching passing cars polluting the Seoul air and making eye contact w/ the random passer-by for some indefinite amount of time. it is awful to think about.

Koreans have it so rough. it is difficult to imagine how they can keep on grinding away, day after week after month after years and years, w/ no sight of reprieve. they carry such a weighty, burdensome load, being a citizen of this fast-paced, hard-working, over-working nation.
and they work so hard for such a tiny little margin. they can barely house, clothe, and feed themselves, much less consider taking more than a long weekend off from their 70-100 hour work weeks.

i am a spoiled brat American who is complaining because she feels a little angsty. i know it's all bigger than me and i have no right to bemoan my circumstances.
not everyone gets a career that they feel fulfilled by. not everyone has a home or a family or friends they can count on. no one is immune from tragedy. no one is immune from depressing circumstances. everyone has the 'what next?' questions plague them from time to time.

i just miss my family. i miss a few very close friends. i just got asked to come in for a full day of work on Saturday and it made me cry all the way home. and then for about half an hour at my desk.
but i have a place to live. and food to eat. and every single physical need taken care of. and i have God who's watching my every move. He is the author of my life. my life does not need to be significant by any of my own standards. i'm significant because He created me and loves me, even when i'm not feeling very lovable. even when i feel angry and irritable and hate everyone and everything around me. in spite of.
it's unimaginable. i don't get it. i'm trying to get it, but i've lost my way these days. my vision has gotten quite, embarrassingly self-absorbed.

it's been a year since that awful, wonderful summer of unthinkable self-sacrifice. maybe the weather's reminding me of him, and what i went through. i'll even admit that in the midst of my tears today, i googled him. i'm not sure what compelled me to do this. this is very unlike me. fucking weird of me, in fact--but there it is.
he still hasn't changed his name back to his unmarried one. how awful for him. how strange. how much was lost. for both of us. part of me wishes he's ok. part of me wishes nothing for him and hates myself for even thinking about him.
i don't hate him. i'm hurt by all of this and the fact that i'm ruminating about certain aspects of our broken life together. will i ever be whole again? will the scars ever fully fade? will i be able to have another life where his presence doesn't echo through my mind?

i was completely broken last summer, but despite the overwhelming sharpness of misery and tears, i had a serious, tangible sense of supernatural love. Jesus kept me breathing. the Spirit was there w/ every sluggish pulse of my blood. i felt joy that was beyond any kind comprehension while i slept upon my sleeping bag in the upstairs hallway. here are the tears again. i remember. i remember.

i've been drowning myself into numbness because i didn't want to face any of this for the past few weeks. i took on any distraction so i just didn't have to feel or worry about the reality of things.

something God told me to think about was His protection and sovereignty over His children. and God doesn't change. He shows compassion for my own weak personhood. i've been reading through the Pentitude:
"the Israelites left Succoth and camped at Etham on the edge of the wilderness. the Lord went ahead of them. He guided them during the day with a pillar of cloud, and He provided light at night with a pillar of fire. this allowed them to travel by day or by night. and the Lord did not remove the pillar of cloud or pillar of fire from its place in front of the people." (Exodus 13:20-22)

He gave me this passage on the 9th, but reminded me to reflect on it just now.
i am not this GS-26 uniform. even if i'm wearing it today and end up wearing it next year, the Lord will go ahead of me. He will alway be present.
hello there God. it's me. again. you there?
sigh.
there it is again. a little bit of hope. for tonight.