scattered thoughts on June the 9th, 2009

1:26am
damnit. i'm going to pay for this one. why am i starting this now? damnit. i think i'm doing the insomnia thing again. all the running around and travel had fooled my body into a normal circadian rhythm for about a month, but, ugh. i think that normalcy has come to an end.

tonight, i tried to read, but my mind just couldn't focus on the words. i decided i might try turning out the lights and closing my eyes and breathing deeply and letting my mind wander... but thoughts kept on enveloping me. all of these scenarios about what the next 6 months could end up looking like--where i might be in a year. is it insane that i have a hard time enjoying just *being* today?

but, i feel that i've been lazing around for the past 6 months. well, "lazing" isn't a fair estimation. i've grown and healed and developed a renewed sense of myself. i've walked w/ the Lord in a sweet and different way. i've gotten back in touch w/ who i am and who i am not--though, this is surely going to be a lifelong journey. my pulse has begun feeling more matched to the beat of Seoul, but, i'm spinning around in my summer flip flops wondering: 'what am i doing here? and what is next?'

i'm always concerned about time. i hate inefficiency like a lot of my fellow 'Perfect-Mes', though this manifests very differently for each one of us insaniees. i know it's not reasonable, but i like to know 'what the point' is. i'm sure that sounds incredibly dull and leaves no room for sponteneity or mess, but maybe i really am just boring as hell?

in my world, i feel fine w/ fluttering along aimlessly for a while, just for the sake of feeling the gentle Summer whispers on my skin or the touch of someone's lips or the hard cement under rubber soles. haphazard wandering and experience is amazing for some seasons--maybe a wonderful part of every season, but in the eventual eventualities of it all, i'd like to be able to have a cup of coffee w/ a beloved one and be able to make any kind of sense out of it.

obviously, sometimes you can't explain every messy or beautiful instance but, still... i want to be able to reflect on what it is that happened, or happens, or is happening right now.

a friend said something very encouraging to me last week that i'm trying to hold in my heart. as i was deliberating on a less formulated version of the above, she said:
"Mary, i feel like you're going to have such an amazing life"
how narcissistic is it that this is what encourages me and that i want to hold tightly onto this idea? but already, i feel that the life i've lived to date has already been incredibly chaotic and amazing and bright and dark and an overwhelming flood of events. but the road ahead is full of shifting shadows and the idea of venturing forward, as alone as i feel sometimes, is scary.

being w/ someone in general and in my case, for almost a decade, provided a fictious, though protective film of comfort. as long as it was his hand that held mine while we stumbled into the junkyard of life, the rusty twisted metal and the sharp edges could be admired, rather than feel so dangerous. now i'm worrying about tetanus shots or tripping into a rotating blade or just feeling bored in a Swiss city, population 3,000.

i just don't want to waste my time, my life. i know i know: "none of it's a waste", but my mind doesn't always work that way when contemplating the present and the future. i can always describe the fruits of the past, but sometimes i didn't actually taste them. this is unfortunate. yes. but the aftertaste isn't always so bad.
this would be easier for me if i had a home base. so when things get too confusing and life just feels like it's too much, that i could just say fuck it all and buy the next plane ticket. home.
i guess i can always skype. and email. and gchat.

maybe this 'amazing life' will be so b/c i don't have a home base. that the adventures i embark upon and the opportunities that get put in front of me will be in part b/c i don't have that precious safety net.

i can't picture myself being an 80 year old lady anywhere in the world. or even a 40 year old one. there's nothing that *i* want. this could be all backlash and reactionary railing against the status quo prison i found myself in for the past few years.

truly truly, i feel like i'm regressing back. when i was younger, i didn't want to be committed to anyone or any one thing when i was younger. i commited and it disastrously failed.
so now i'm really trying to figure out: well, what is it that i really want? i mean, hell!--that could fall apart too, but at least that would be a conscious life decision that i made, right? and i suppose i could cry and cry and then write about it all.

i'm flooded w/ the lust to just go go go and see and taste and feel and gasp and exploding scream at the top of a snow capped hike.

phew. 2:29am. i'm never going to get to sleep tonight.