process process

it's difficult to make a different choice than the one that you have always been making.

tonight, i was sitting across from a man i was feeling attracted to. there were so many things that we had in common--and we both shared stories that were engaging and interesting to each other. and i thought he was pretty good-looking, and am pretty certain he felt the same about me. but damnit. i had to make a different decision.

everything in my body wanted to make the suggestion that would land us in a sweaty embrace, but it felt wrong. as we talked, my eyes opened more and more to how  precious and eternal his personhood was. beautiful, intelligent, somewhat troubled, and vulnerable. considering the idea of sex made me feel sad because it would have felt so objectifying. he needed love, not sex, and the most loving thing was to equivocate.

how foolish it is to sigh over the missed opportunity of what would likely have been really good sex, but it was the right decision. people can soak in more of their own value when others show them that they are valuable. i am uncertain if he had any idea that those were my thoughts when i shied away from the common denominator, but, i know that He saw everything.

i miss the warm

wow. it's been a while since i've written on this blog, but i've been busybusy--and i'm writing on 2 others, so i'll just come here to process the random thoughts that don't necessarily fit into the other ones. this blog is the messiest and least formed anyway, so it seems to be the most appropriate place for a blog about another random night out.

so, i've been pretty antisocial for the past few months--i've been hyper busy with work and i've been going through a crazy transition figuring out who i am.
it's been a profound process leading to a simple answer i knew, but didn't know. i've been absolutely astounded with how this shift in my identity has radically changed my perspective on things. having this solid foundation has brought me into a different kind of hope that has literally rocked my world. i feel different. lighter. happier. i have peace. it's been amazing.

concurrently, i've gone in and out of appreciating my singlehood. there have been times that i've felt awesome about it and times that i feel sad. it's winter in Seoul now and my bed has been feeling a little cold.
i decided against getting the HPV vaccine a few days ago because i've decided that i will not have sex again before i get married. this will be an incredibly difficult thing for me to do, but i need to draw a line somewhere. i'm really sick of only half-living and need to make this sacrifice for now.
as i've been going through my larger transition, i've been feeling a renewed happy about being single. i'm finally a good place where i can get healthy. i know that any relationship i could be in right now would be destroyed by my issues. i'm actually very excited about getting healthy now.

all this being said, it's been a long long time since i've been to a friendly-fun party with a large group of people i know. and i had a lot of fun smiling, laughing, and exchanging stories and philosophies with people. and then i met a handsome guy who was really interesting, fun to talk to, and seemed to be interested in me.
seemed like it--his compliments on the fact that he thought i was in great shape and that i had a charming personality seemed to be forward enough. it was actually just enough to make me feel flattered and not creeped out.
ugh.
i was tempted to spend more time with him and 'see where the night might go'. it's been a while since i've gotten attention from a guy that i connected with so well. plus, he was good looking and sincere and interesting--but i had to put myself in check. i'm trying to get to the place of health right now. naturally he shows up at exactly the point in time when that validation felt good. damn. it sucked to pass over this potential opportunity. sigh.
well, i gave him my number. a girl can only resist so far.