May storm

i'll do anything to avoid dealing with myself.

today, i had an extensive conversation with God, which really moved my soul back into Reality.
but, i came home and watched a bunch of TV as a way to get my mind away from the painful arenas that have been causing me guilt and sadness. i know i'm not the worst person in the world, but i feel pretty terrible and pathetic at times. i look at the past 32 years of my life and it looks ridiculous. i have been through so many spiritual ups and downs and recidivism is the norm for me. my prevailing worry is that i cannot make another choice.

today, i sat in the pews feeling distant from God and detached from myself. i could patently see all of the broken promises and the lies that have ruled my life. i didn't expect anything to happen.
i know what i'm supposed to "know", but really living in *that* reality takes some discipline. this means that i can't always choose the path of least resistance. i can't always give into my urges. and i need to make healthier choices. unfortunately, the healthy choice is very often a difficult one to make. plus, this requires maturity and premeditation.

but, as i sat there in the overly charismatic service (for my taste), my icicle heart began to melt. i realized: i am making it too complicated. i just need to trust. and love.
i had to resist the emotionality of the experience. i blocked out the swelling music and the people praying around me. i just closed my eyes and bit my lip. Lord, i'm listening. and, i'm sorry for forgetting every single time.
you are not the culmination of your mistakes.

your past does not determine your future.

you are of unsurpassable worth.

you are loved.

none of this is new. and i didn't have a sudden rush of the warm-fuzzies. however, i felt like i could, once again, understand these truths.

since i've moved out of the US, every Spring, i end up in a bad place. i've got some awful anniversary dates that come up and then i'm usually pretty fucked until the Fall. my vigor is usually renewed around that time, but then the holidays bring me back down. come January, i fall apart, but am refreshed when i travel.
this means i spent about a 1/3 of the year in depression, anxiety, and guilt.

i want to make a different choice this year. i want to hit the reset button earlier. i want to end my vicious repeat of self-destruction. i need quit making increasingly horrific mistakes.
this is the storm raging inside of me.

i am guilty

i feel messed up these days.

i've fallen from grace, i suppose. it's a slick slope, once you start slipping.
it's an angry, vicious, exhausting cycle. and i don't know how to break free. well, actually--i do know. but when you live inside a certain cardboard box for so long, it's hard to consider climbing out of it.

i feel so happy sometimes. i get such joy in developing who i am. i've discovered that i'm really into being active. i love that i've learned how to salsa dance, surf, and snowboard. i've become a good hiker, traveled to about 10 countries in the past 2 years, met some amazing people, and have seen and done some incredible things i never would've imagined was possible 3 years ago.
but, i get so swept up and then lost when i get excited about things. and then i end up making bad decisions and hurting myself and others. i feel LOST these days. and i feel kind of helpless inside these directionless, hyperactive wanderings.

i mentioned making a huge mistake that i felt bad about, but then justified.
but tonight, as i reflect on the nature of my fucked up decision, the guilt of it is overwhelming me. sigh. i'm a dirty, terrible person.