i feel messed up these days.
i've fallen from grace, i suppose. it's a slick slope, once you start slipping.
it's an angry, vicious, exhausting cycle. and i don't know how to break free. well, actually--i do know. but when you live inside a certain cardboard box for so long, it's hard to consider climbing out of it.
i feel so happy sometimes. i get such joy in developing who i am. i've discovered that i'm really into being active. i love that i've learned how to salsa dance, surf, and snowboard. i've become a good hiker, traveled to about 10 countries in the past 2 years, met some amazing people, and have seen and done some incredible things i never would've imagined was possible 3 years ago.
but, i get so swept up and then lost when i get excited about things. and then i end up making bad decisions and hurting myself and others. i feel LOST these days. and i feel kind of helpless inside these directionless, hyperactive wanderings.
i mentioned making a huge mistake that i felt bad about, but then justified.
but tonight, as i reflect on the nature of my fucked up decision, the guilt of it is overwhelming me. sigh. i'm a dirty, terrible person.
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