away from the dark and into the night

alright. i feel pretty unstable, but i've leveled out some.

yes. i am a totally fucked up human being. i have made unspeakable mistakes that have not only hurt myself, but have also hurt others. it's horrible to think of what i am--that i can no longer say: "i've never..."

in some ways i wonder if these crazy life paths that i've ended up on have the greater design of forcing me to let go of any possible judgmentalism. everyone has a story. everyone who commits any kind of "anything" has done it because they were coming from *some*place. this is NO justification for doing wrong--but, i'm chagrined to admit that i've looked down upon people who've done "this" and "that".
how could they...?! i've asked/exclaimed. and now... i understand. i have been understanding.

will/should i beat myself up for my sins? well, i have been--but, it's really a waste of time. i can't make different choices. time cannot be reversed.
i know that this is in no way a new concept, but hell--the inexorable movement forward is a reality that we tend to face when we're at our ends. the extremely amazing and extremely terrible things that happen--to us and because of us.
i can only try to rectify the damage i've caused to myself and others, and pray for forgiveness. and NEVER EVER do "that" again.

this all being said: i feel incredibly fortunate right now for Life. rhythm and sweaty-all-night-dancing is keeping me sane. it's oh-so-good that i can learn something new, get good at it, and revel and enjoy how amazing it makes me feel.

so, current life assessment: i have dancing. and Jesus. and i'm just starting my weekend.

i am really fucking fortunate.