write it down

i've not written in ages--i feel like this is the general way i start or (try to start) any new blog post. i've been hyper busy with my job and had been trying to write a book, so i stopped posting for a while. but today i realized that i've done NO writing in a while, so i have no excuses. i've just gotta write it down, huh?

Life has been crazy and awesome and unimaginable for the past 11 months. it was right around that point that i stopped posting on this blog. there were so many changes that had happened to me around that time that i just couldn't keep up with the evolution of feelings and philosophies.

i've decided that i need to consciously write something every day (if possible) until i leave for my next trip this winter. it is my goal to write a book, but i keep losing the thread. i wonder if it'll ever get out of my head and onto paper. it's a little disheartening to keep writing and writing with no specified product. perhaps writing short stories would be better? i am simply unsure. however, i know i just need to put stuff out there as a way of getting my brain to function in that way again.

this winter... i'm going on yet another trip with my backpack. where am i going? i don't know. perhaps India, Vietnam, Indonesia, and/or the Philippines? South America was also on the radar, but i don't think this is tenable because the flight is so damn expensive. and i'm not ready to go there yet--i've gotta spend a few months learning Spanish before venturing in that direction.
something that came to mind while i have been considering this trip is the fact that i really prefer to travel alone. there are the practical aspects of this, however, i have also been wondering if something is a little wrong with me. why is it that i do not want to hit the Road with others?
is it because i prefer the spontaneity of the solo trip?
is it because i need solitude?

is it because i am simply a selfish bitch who needs it to always have it HER way all the time?
is it because i am afraid of rejection? this last one is a new thought that came to mind while i've been sitting at this random/cute/new cafe in my neighborhood while watching the Seoul September rain pour down. odd thought, huh? i wondered if i just don't like the idea of spending too much time with someone because if they get too close and reject me, it will be an even greater affront to my personhood.

but, MEH--that is a very small part of the reason, if any part. i have gotten to the point in my adult life that i really feel that i can't appease everyone. i usually give it a really strong go and love and love and love, however, at some point, if you don't like me, i can't help you.

so, it's this random stuff i'm writing down for now.

it's been a long time...

i think i'll occasionally check back here in the summer when i need a place to get my thoughts out, but things have been absolutely NUTS. but in the BEST POSSIBLE WAY.

i had been using this blog to emotionally vomit on when i felt particularly angsty. but MAN, as i've been walking in greater and greater levels of Joy, i've not had the need to release my emotionality in such a way. i've not experienced ONE DAY of depression or sadness since the last time i wrote. this is not to say that shit things haven't happened here and there, but they just don't affect me the same way anymore. i've experienced the kind of Freedom and Peace that can only be discovered by *revelation*.

the crazy things that're happening this summer are as follows:
*i'm writing a book. this time for real. God dropped an idea in my head that i know that i know that i know that i'm supposed to write. i'm giving myself until the end of August (before Semester 2) to write it.
*i'm going on a missions trip to Australia. does that sound nuts? YES, on a dozen levels that sounds nuts to me as well. but, well--there it is. in the recent months, something has BURST in me that has created a rushing tide of crazy, amazing, beautiful things. i am seeing things i shouldn't be able to see. hearing things i shouldn't be able to hear. praying healing over people who then experience healing. going on this trip has convicted me about taking some preparatory measures in order to increase my faith for these unbelievable, supernatural, but very REAL occurrences. a few things that i've been convicted about is:
     -finishing the my reading of the Old Testament.
     -praying into healing and words of knowledge and understanding for people.
     -investing into my health (eating/sleeping properly, continuing to run more days than not)
*i'm getting baptized next Sunday. i can't believe i'm finally getting this done. i have been baptized as a child, but never as an adult. i have had a few opportunities, but it never felt right b/c i never felt like it *meant* anything. Today, i INDEED know it does.