write it down

i've not written in ages--i feel like this is the general way i start or (try to start) any new blog post. i've been hyper busy with my job and had been trying to write a book, so i stopped posting for a while. but today i realized that i've done NO writing in a while, so i have no excuses. i've just gotta write it down, huh?

Life has been crazy and awesome and unimaginable for the past 11 months. it was right around that point that i stopped posting on this blog. there were so many changes that had happened to me around that time that i just couldn't keep up with the evolution of feelings and philosophies.

i've decided that i need to consciously write something every day (if possible) until i leave for my next trip this winter. it is my goal to write a book, but i keep losing the thread. i wonder if it'll ever get out of my head and onto paper. it's a little disheartening to keep writing and writing with no specified product. perhaps writing short stories would be better? i am simply unsure. however, i know i just need to put stuff out there as a way of getting my brain to function in that way again.

this winter... i'm going on yet another trip with my backpack. where am i going? i don't know. perhaps India, Vietnam, Indonesia, and/or the Philippines? South America was also on the radar, but i don't think this is tenable because the flight is so damn expensive. and i'm not ready to go there yet--i've gotta spend a few months learning Spanish before venturing in that direction.
something that came to mind while i have been considering this trip is the fact that i really prefer to travel alone. there are the practical aspects of this, however, i have also been wondering if something is a little wrong with me. why is it that i do not want to hit the Road with others?
is it because i prefer the spontaneity of the solo trip?
is it because i need solitude?

is it because i am simply a selfish bitch who needs it to always have it HER way all the time?
is it because i am afraid of rejection? this last one is a new thought that came to mind while i've been sitting at this random/cute/new cafe in my neighborhood while watching the Seoul September rain pour down. odd thought, huh? i wondered if i just don't like the idea of spending too much time with someone because if they get too close and reject me, it will be an even greater affront to my personhood.

but, MEH--that is a very small part of the reason, if any part. i have gotten to the point in my adult life that i really feel that i can't appease everyone. i usually give it a really strong go and love and love and love, however, at some point, if you don't like me, i can't help you.

so, it's this random stuff i'm writing down for now.