away from the dark and into the night

alright. i feel pretty unstable, but i've leveled out some.

yes. i am a totally fucked up human being. i have made unspeakable mistakes that have not only hurt myself, but have also hurt others. it's horrible to think of what i am--that i can no longer say: "i've never..."

in some ways i wonder if these crazy life paths that i've ended up on have the greater design of forcing me to let go of any possible judgmentalism. everyone has a story. everyone who commits any kind of "anything" has done it because they were coming from *some*place. this is NO justification for doing wrong--but, i'm chagrined to admit that i've looked down upon people who've done "this" and "that".
how could they...?! i've asked/exclaimed. and now... i understand. i have been understanding.

will/should i beat myself up for my sins? well, i have been--but, it's really a waste of time. i can't make different choices. time cannot be reversed.
i know that this is in no way a new concept, but hell--the inexorable movement forward is a reality that we tend to face when we're at our ends. the extremely amazing and extremely terrible things that happen--to us and because of us.
i can only try to rectify the damage i've caused to myself and others, and pray for forgiveness. and NEVER EVER do "that" again.

this all being said: i feel incredibly fortunate right now for Life. rhythm and sweaty-all-night-dancing is keeping me sane. it's oh-so-good that i can learn something new, get good at it, and revel and enjoy how amazing it makes me feel.

so, current life assessment: i have dancing. and Jesus. and i'm just starting my weekend.

i am really fucking fortunate.

versus

so, i know where the paths lead me, but hell... i'm feeling a little self-destructive now.

i did this last year as well. i made a mistake and then dove into the dirt of the rabbit hole.
and reveled in the pathetic-dark-oozing pleasures of selfish gratification.
this is because i felt like: i've completely fucked up. i might as well dance out these morbid-beautiful patterns and satiate my desires. then try something different after the waaaay-after the fallout has settled.

i'm conflicted. the dam has burst, and sealing up the hole and cleaning up the hill of devastation seems too painful and humiliating and exhausting to consider. so do i begin sliding down this slope? that easy, slick, quick, exciting fairy-tale fall downdowndowndown....

down?

knowing me. probably not. but, i'm beginning to get to that place.
where i forget who
me is.

a vague map

lost.
how quickly and how suddenly that can happen. and how scary and disorienting this is.

i've spent another week at the office working my arse off, and then another weekend dancing into the early morning hours. while the sun hits the horizon, i make that exhausted trudge up to the top of Veggie Hill. my current place of Seoul residence.

this morning, after i was awoken by a friend's phone call in the near afternoon, i felt dizzy and confused. slowly rising and moving around my apartment... i found dishes piled in the sink and bits of detritus all over the floor--i haven't swept it in a few weeks. the garbage cans were overflowing. my shoes were in a haphazard pile of disarray at the front door. my clothes from Thursday and Friday nights were crumpled into a sweat-stiffened pile at the foot of my bed.
i felt unbalanced.

i should've noticed this happening, but i always notice too late.

whenever my place gets to this point of chaos, *something* is off. i let too much happen in certain arenas and then i end up neglecting others. and then i fuck something up. and i literally get *sick* because i'm physically spent.
if i could just catch myself...
if i could just notice that i need a day off and be realistic about my limitations.
if i just decided to stay in and reorganize/reevaluate, REFLECT, and take care of myself--i wouldn't be forced to by my bad decisions.

Spring fever did me in last year as well--and i ended up being pretty messed up by the heart of the summer, and then thru the end of the Fall. come Winter, i shut myself away from people for about 2 months until i went to Indonesia and got recharged. i don't want to do that again. i don't want to live in this vicious spin of super highs/lows.

so here it is. a cross-roads. and this time i have a vague sense of what the map looks like.
now for the hard part.

flawed.

holy shit.
i am a flawed human being.

it's crazy. the longer you live, the more likely you are to commit that action that you swore you'd never do. at least that seems true to me. i can't believe myself.
it's always this crazy cycle: i'm doing ok. better than ok. and what is Real is clear. and doing what is Right is easy. and happiness ensues. as does hyper-dom. and then i stop paying attention. i get pulled into the blurry land of compromise--which isn't so bad at first. but then, i make a wildly inappropriate mistake. FREAKS ME OUT. and then i feel lost.
i feel lost again right now.
i know i'll be ok eventually--this is life. there are very few irrevocable mistakes... but... i've been trying not to think about my sins, 36 hours prior to this moment, but damnit. it's a pretty big mistake.
this is something that i feel like i must take with me to my grave. no more details on this for now, except that i am a fucked up, selfish person.