ready for rest

i'll be on a *vacation* in less than 24 hours.
i haven't traveled/taken a real break since my trip to Ireland in May, and the pressures from work and my apparently over-active social life has made me distinctly ready to 'watch the world go by' w/ NO demands from overly-needy-everyone. i plan to fade into the scenery as an anonymous nobody w/ my nose in a beach read--(it's pretty embarrassing what simple book i've chosen for my travels.)

how has life gotten like this? so over crowded and demanding? this was apparently my choice, i suppose, but i resent my position, nonetheless.
i just got a call from an acquaintance about a hair salon disaster. when did i become *that* person for this acquaintance? what did i put out there that made her think that i was the one for her to commiserate w/? not that i've got a serious problem w/ this, but sometimes i want to blast Madonna's Immaculate Collection into my ears while riding the bus, undisturbed.

i'm so tired. i love people, but i feel drained. i feel selfish as shit for saying this stuff, but maybe that's why i clearly need a vacation.

holy shit. i can hear someone weeping loudly down the hallway (sounds like a break-up cry) and my heart aches like i should make sure she's not suicidal.
(i've got a problem. but is it a problem to be concerned? i didn't respond one time--to egregious ends. hell. what do you do?)

i need to get the hell outta this country for a minute.
or is it getting the hell outta my head?

the frustrations of Single life

so, my blogging is going to be sporadic b/c i'm going to be working on my book, however, taking this little break has reminded me that i need to keep writing here--taking much more than a week off of blogging leaves me unsettled and uncomfortably... full of *something*. i've been treating this blog as a journal, and i've found that not writing here causes me to spew my bad stuff all over people--something that isn't healthy.

i've decided to maybe be a little more plain in my story-telling--partly b/c i need to keep up w/ my ambitious target to finish my book by the end of 2010, and partly b/c i'm sure it's boring to read endless explications about my *feelings* w/ no context.
so, here is a new, differently painted leaf.

i don't know how many dates i've gone on in the past two months--i think there's been about--5-6 men involved? it's odd. i have no true idea why i've been getting so many propositions.

but, here's one hypothesis:

about two months back, i suddenly decided that i was tired of feeling hung up on men. i just wanted to be free to do what i wanted--i've mentioned this. i just want to be single. this revelation manifested itself in many things: i really threw myself into my friendships and have had many many wonderful moments of closeness w/ new girlfriends--people i want to be friends w/ until i die.
i got involved in a local production where i acted in a few skits that were written by local writers. i participated w/ a fun group of people to do the 48 Hour Film Project--an international contest to complete a film w/in the space of 48 hours.
the realization of liking singlehood gave me the impetus to begin writing my book. every moment of my time was occupied, and frankly i was a little exhausted. exhausted but happy. it would've been ridiculous to complain.

however, amidst this swirling activity, there was man after man asking for my hand in dating. i have the feeling that the "i'm single" pheromones were coming out of my pores. i felt comfortable making myself pretty--just for me and i knew that i would keep things casual--w/... whomever. i figured that it might be a humorous experience i would be willing to engage in.

"Mary. honestly. you're going to end up hating it."

"why? what's so awful about it?"

"all of those 'getting to know you' conversations. it sucks--you just get tired of doing all of that after a while."

"i don't know. i wouldn't know. i haven't dated for a decade."

"well, you're not going to really know how bad it is unless you do it."

"it honestly sounds like fun @ this point."

"trust me, you'll remember we had this conversation."

i've gotten more settled w/ the issue of being a divorced woman. now that my eyes are no longer downcast while i mention this sordid detail, it's been interesting to examine the faces of the people who hear me say it for the first time. shock. sympathy. embarassed chagrin. anger. empathy. there are many different reactions. i have watched the expressions of a number of people change when i have actually got into it.
it's come up on a few of these 'dates'. sometimes i mentioned being an ex-wife b/c i hoped it would turn him off. but actually, i've found a surprising lack of judgmentalism regarding this issue. or maybe they just wanted to get into my skirt? i know. i'm really jaded, but i'm also not stupid.
dates were kind of fun @ first: he would by me dinner, pay me some compliments, look attentive while i told stories, sometimes try to make a move... but inevitably, things like this get complicated.

"Mary, you're pretty, you're smart, you're interesting, you're funny--you'll begin to have to explain why you can't keep dating them."

"again, i can't imagine that happening. you've dated people for forever. and you're pretty, smart, et cetera et ceterta... and anyway, are you saying that they'll all want to turn it into something more serious?"
"this is what i've found. for some reason, the guys are usually more interested than the girl."
"huh."
"at least this is the case w/ me and my girlfriends. but anyway, you will encounter these conversations."
"and? so what do you say?"
"i've learned that i have to make it about me."
"hahahaha! you mean the 'i'm the fucked up one. you don't want to be w/ someone like me' line?"
"precisely."

it began to get exhausting to go on these dates. i remembered how to play the "game" and it surprised me how naturally adept i was at it. there was one interesting man--maybe two--but i never had a strong enough interest to keep on playing. not every man wanted to yank me into his world, but i found that it was *me* choosing to tone down the engagement. i still got texts and messages to go out to spend time w/ him and him and that other guy, but i truthfully regaled them w/ tales of my busyness and they generally backed down.

that is, until the Korean guy. now, there were two Korean men in this messy dating mix. the first one i had met while he was dating a girl--so i thought it was safe to go meet him. but, he surprised me w/ the news that he had just broken up w/ her when he met me for our first coffee. interesting.
i didn't want anything to do w/ that--shady shady. though it's too bad b/c he was pretty cute and smart and funny, despite the linguistic barriers.

J, the Korean guy i'm referring to, is the one that i'm currently avoiding on IM and acting pretty bitchy to when he calls. he is such a nice guy. smart, sweet, looks to have a stable future, really wants to take care of me, is at my every beck and call--even when i don't want him to be. in some ways, this reminded me of my ex-husband's attentiveness, though Chris really got me in way more ways than this Korean.
J and i met about 4 months ago on a group outing. he had asked for my number about 2 months after we had met, but didn't really call/text me, at first. he would drop me a text about once a week or call me to talk for about 3 minutes. it was a little weird/confusing, but i didn't think much of it. it was nice to just have a guy who just wanted friendship.
then, our conversations got deeper, and i found it somewhat enjoyable to converse w/ him in the mother tongue. about a month ago, he called me while i was out on a date w/ another whomever.
"what are you doing?"
"i'm out for wine w/ a friend."
"who?"
"you don't know him."
"how come you never ask me to go out for wine?"
"what do you mean? you never ask me out for wine."
"you always seems so busy."
"well, look--i'm going out for coffee w/ Val and Art tomorrow. do you want to join us?"
"yes."
we made quick plans and then i smiled and laughed and sipped wine w/ another man. the next day, i met J before meeting our mutual friends b/c the plans got too complicated. our conversation was getting pretty deep when Val and Art showed up. the 4 of us had to dial it back to more casual matters b/c of the linguistic issues. when we were ready to call it a night, J offered to walk me towards my home. given that he was pretty good company for the evening, and neither of us were tired, i consented.
we walked and walked and talked and talked. i told him about some of my dating misadventures b/c i felt confident that we were *just* friends. he had given me no indication that he was interested in me in more than that. until:
"i'm getting really tired of dating, J."
"why?"
"i don't know. guys all suck and they only really want to sleep w/ me."
"i don't suck," he reached for my hand.
i hit him hard and laughed, "stop joking w/ me."
he didn't try to do it again, so my alarm bells were silenced. but then, he missed the last subway b/c of our walk. i felt bad b/c he had been gentlemanly enough to walk me home, so i told him he could crash on my floor.
of course, as much of a gentleman that he was, he saw his opportunity and well, i'm weak. there was just some making out and inappropriateness of that sort. he left early the next morning b/c i told him i couldn't sleep and i had a full week of work ahead of me.
i got up groggily the next morning b/c of the lack of REM. there was some chagrin and slight regret. i'll just apologize. he's a nice enough guy. we can still just be friends. i hopped in the shower, washed off the weekend and thought about my upcoming week. as i stepped out of the shower, my phone rang.
"uh. hello?"
"did you get up ok? will you be late to work?"
"oh, yeah. listen J, we need to talk. i don't feel right about last night."
"no. don't worry about it."
"well, i still think we need to talk. can you find me on the Net today? IM w/ me?"
"yes. let's talk. make sure you get to work on time."
"uh, i know J. i'm an adult. you don't need to tell me that."
"i just want to make sure you do."
"ok ok. later." i shut off my phone and checked the time. what? he called me twice and texted me while i was in the shower? what the...?
and then, there were a ridiculous number of text messages and repeated IMs for the next 48 hours. in between an audition and the last subway train, i met him to 'break up' w/ him.
"look. you don't want to be w/ a girl like me. i'm dating about 2-3 other guys right now and i don't want to make you number 4."
"that's ok w/ me."
"what's ok? that i'm dating other men?--probably kissing other men?"
"yes. just look @ me as one of the contenders."
"no. listen. i really like you as a friend. i don't want to end up hurting you."
"you won't hurt me. i'm really thick skinned."
"seriously. there will be hurt feelings."
"i'm promising you there won't be."
"please J. there are already hurt feelings."
"my feelings aren't hurt."
"but it hurts me to have to have this conversation w/ you."
"i promise you that no matter what happens, we'll be able to stay friends."
"you're promising me?"
"yes."
"ok. then let's stay friends."
"ok ok. we're friends."
i wish i could say that the story ended here--w/ an awesome friendship w/ a sweetie pie Korean guy. but he kept on texting me and IMing me. he checked in about daily matters like: did you eat lunch? dinner? was it good? are you feeling tired today? why are you tired?
this sounds crazy, i know, but i've discovered that this is Korean dating culture. J was being extraordinarily attentive and showing me the kind of care that he assumed that i would want in a boyfriend. at first, i was a little charmed by his persistence. i thought after enough rejections he would back down and turn into a flirtatious friend. this resulted in another moment of weakness on my part--which i ended up regretting for days. i regret it even today.
"look, J. i like being single, ok? i like you as a friend, but i can't date you."
"that can change. let's just spend time together."
" i'm in a fucked up place. obviously. i don't want want more than friendship."
"stop calling yourself fucked up. you're fine. just move forward."
"i'm trying to. i just want to make sure that there are no misunderstandings between us."
"stop bringing it up."
"stop bringing what up?"
"stop talking about how you're not interested in a relationship w/ me. i know i know. i understand."
"i'm just afraid that you're not really getting it."
"i do i do! stop bringing it up."
"what??! so you're allowed to say that our relationship has potential to change into something else but i'm not allowed to respond to that?" that shut him up.

this saga has been exhausting to deal w/ and think through for the past month. J is a great guy. he's smart, caring, and would treat me like a queen. i have gotten confused looks from my co-worker for whom this sounds like a dream-come-true. but i'm way too complicated and he's way too simple. and when there's none of that exciting chemistry, why?
there should be some of that heart quickening adrenaline at the nascency of a relationship. no lack of conversational topics. nights that turn into dawn b/c you're so into being awake next to each other.

though i had been saying that i liked being single, this situation w/ J has given me concrete reasons for why a futureless relationship is simply a waste of time. i've got things to do and friendships to really invest in. and let me crass enough to say--i can get my physical needs filled by kissing random boys. there is really no lack of them here in Seoul, Korea. i know. i lack maturity in this department. i just have more important matters to attend to.