it's difficult to make a different choice than the one that you have always been making.
tonight, i was sitting across from a man i was feeling attracted to. there were so many things that we had in common--and we both shared stories that were engaging and interesting to each other. and i thought he was pretty good-looking, and am pretty certain he felt the same about me. but damnit. i had to make a different decision.
everything in my body wanted to make the suggestion that would land us in a sweaty embrace, but it felt wrong. as we talked, my eyes opened more and more to how precious and eternal his personhood was. beautiful, intelligent, somewhat troubled, and vulnerable. considering the idea of sex made me feel sad because it would have felt so objectifying. he needed love, not sex, and the most loving thing was to equivocate.
how foolish it is to sigh over the missed opportunity of what would likely have been really good sex, but it was the right decision. people can soak in more of their own value when others show them that they are valuable. i am uncertain if he had any idea that those were my thoughts when i shied away from the common denominator, but, i know that He saw everything.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Sunday, December 11, 2011
i miss the warm
wow. it's been a while since i've written on this blog, but i've been busybusy--and i'm writing on 2 others, so i'll just come here to process the random thoughts that don't necessarily fit into the other ones. this blog is the messiest and least formed anyway, so it seems to be the most appropriate place for a blog about another random night out.
so, i've been pretty antisocial for the past few months--i've been hyper busy with work and i've been going through a crazy transition figuring out who i am.
it's been a profound process leading to a simple answer i knew, but didn't know. i've been absolutely astounded with how this shift in my identity has radically changed my perspective on things. having this solid foundation has brought me into a different kind of hope that has literally rocked my world. i feel different. lighter. happier. i have peace. it's been amazing.
concurrently, i've gone in and out of appreciating my singlehood. there have been times that i've felt awesome about it and times that i feel sad. it's winter in Seoul now and my bed has been feeling a little cold.
i decided against getting the HPV vaccine a few days ago because i've decided that i will not have sex again before i get married. this will be an incredibly difficult thing for me to do, but i need to draw a line somewhere. i'm really sick of only half-living and need to make this sacrifice for now.
as i've been going through my larger transition, i've been feeling a renewed happy about being single. i'm finally a good place where i can get healthy. i know that any relationship i could be in right now would be destroyed by my issues. i'm actually very excited about getting healthy now.
all this being said, it's been a long long time since i've been to a friendly-fun party with a large group of people i know. and i had a lot of fun smiling, laughing, and exchanging stories and philosophies with people. and then i met a handsome guy who was really interesting, fun to talk to, and seemed to be interested in me.
seemed like it--his compliments on the fact that he thought i was in great shape and that i had a charming personality seemed to be forward enough. it was actually just enough to make me feel flattered and not creeped out.
ugh.
i was tempted to spend more time with him and 'see where the night might go'. it's been a while since i've gotten attention from a guy that i connected with so well. plus, he was good looking and sincere and interesting--but i had to put myself in check. i'm trying to get to the place of health right now. naturally he shows up at exactly the point in time when that validation felt good. damn. it sucked to pass over this potential opportunity. sigh.
well, i gave him my number. a girl can only resist so far.
so, i've been pretty antisocial for the past few months--i've been hyper busy with work and i've been going through a crazy transition figuring out who i am.
it's been a profound process leading to a simple answer i knew, but didn't know. i've been absolutely astounded with how this shift in my identity has radically changed my perspective on things. having this solid foundation has brought me into a different kind of hope that has literally rocked my world. i feel different. lighter. happier. i have peace. it's been amazing.
concurrently, i've gone in and out of appreciating my singlehood. there have been times that i've felt awesome about it and times that i feel sad. it's winter in Seoul now and my bed has been feeling a little cold.
i decided against getting the HPV vaccine a few days ago because i've decided that i will not have sex again before i get married. this will be an incredibly difficult thing for me to do, but i need to draw a line somewhere. i'm really sick of only half-living and need to make this sacrifice for now.
as i've been going through my larger transition, i've been feeling a renewed happy about being single. i'm finally a good place where i can get healthy. i know that any relationship i could be in right now would be destroyed by my issues. i'm actually very excited about getting healthy now.
all this being said, it's been a long long time since i've been to a friendly-fun party with a large group of people i know. and i had a lot of fun smiling, laughing, and exchanging stories and philosophies with people. and then i met a handsome guy who was really interesting, fun to talk to, and seemed to be interested in me.
seemed like it--his compliments on the fact that he thought i was in great shape and that i had a charming personality seemed to be forward enough. it was actually just enough to make me feel flattered and not creeped out.
ugh.
i was tempted to spend more time with him and 'see where the night might go'. it's been a while since i've gotten attention from a guy that i connected with so well. plus, he was good looking and sincere and interesting--but i had to put myself in check. i'm trying to get to the place of health right now. naturally he shows up at exactly the point in time when that validation felt good. damn. it sucked to pass over this potential opportunity. sigh.
well, i gave him my number. a girl can only resist so far.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
self hate
i can't sleep. i'm pretty sure i know why. so, i will attempt to write myself asleep.
years and years and years. of absolutely hating myself.
that crazy, all-consuming anger that made me cry frustrated tears
bite through my lip
slam my fists as hard as i could against the bed as soon as i opened my eyes
my soundless screams. endless.
violent smash
shattered glass of the wildly tossed glass bottle
deep, desperate hate
do you know this feeling?
i reflect on these years--these decades of slow, rotting death. but today, i feel peace. i am actually laughing at myself. i am dead exhausted with my life responsibilities, but i feel joy. i don't hate myself anymore. i can't believe i spent so much time in that place. i didn't need to. but i was in a self-imposed cage and couldn't deal with the lie of the bloody pain that escape might cause. i didn't understand how easy it was to unlock the door.
i know--it's not always going to be smooth sailing. clearly. but i don't see the many mistakes i've made in the recent months preceding this entry as failures.
i have mentioned a gradual unlocking of my mind. it's been eons of my demons owning that space between my ears. things really needed to be cleaned up in there.
as i have begun to experience Truth upon Truth, there has been an exponential, cumulative cleansing that has led me into this place. my hard core slips to the brink and back while i've been undergoing this cleansing process makes it all the more powerful that i've finally gotten here.
unfailing Love. i don't always need to question it--because there is no definable answer. it's one of those beautiful mysteries. if there were a clear *reason* for this Love, maybe it wouldn't be so astounding.
and this is true of us humans too. sometimes we just love. we don't know why we do--and we might have every reason not to, but we can't help our hearts from stirring over that person. (this can be unhealthy/twisted, of course, but that's an entirely different matter.) however, i say that this is a glimmer reflection of that huge, metaphysical Love bomb that is continuously exploding around us.
even if you don't hold to the same ideology as i do, don't you wonder why it is possible for us to sometimes love the most unlovable people in our lives?
i don't hate myself anymore. for anyone who can fathom the depth and longevity of that loathing, you would know that this is a miracle.
years and years and years. of absolutely hating myself.
that crazy, all-consuming anger that made me cry frustrated tears
bite through my lip
slam my fists as hard as i could against the bed as soon as i opened my eyes
my soundless screams. endless.
violent smash
shattered glass of the wildly tossed glass bottle
deep, desperate hate
do you know this feeling?
i reflect on these years--these decades of slow, rotting death. but today, i feel peace. i am actually laughing at myself. i am dead exhausted with my life responsibilities, but i feel joy. i don't hate myself anymore. i can't believe i spent so much time in that place. i didn't need to. but i was in a self-imposed cage and couldn't deal with the lie of the bloody pain that escape might cause. i didn't understand how easy it was to unlock the door.
i know--it's not always going to be smooth sailing. clearly. but i don't see the many mistakes i've made in the recent months preceding this entry as failures.
i have mentioned a gradual unlocking of my mind. it's been eons of my demons owning that space between my ears. things really needed to be cleaned up in there.
as i have begun to experience Truth upon Truth, there has been an exponential, cumulative cleansing that has led me into this place. my hard core slips to the brink and back while i've been undergoing this cleansing process makes it all the more powerful that i've finally gotten here.
unfailing Love. i don't always need to question it--because there is no definable answer. it's one of those beautiful mysteries. if there were a clear *reason* for this Love, maybe it wouldn't be so astounding.
and this is true of us humans too. sometimes we just love. we don't know why we do--and we might have every reason not to, but we can't help our hearts from stirring over that person. (this can be unhealthy/twisted, of course, but that's an entirely different matter.) however, i say that this is a glimmer reflection of that huge, metaphysical Love bomb that is continuously exploding around us.
even if you don't hold to the same ideology as i do, don't you wonder why it is possible for us to sometimes love the most unlovable people in our lives?
i don't hate myself anymore. for anyone who can fathom the depth and longevity of that loathing, you would know that this is a miracle.
Monday, November 21, 2011
a leap of faith
i'm overwhelmed.God really really loves me.
i haven't written in almost exactly a month b/c i've been in a state of confusion. my mind has been filled with chaos and crazy thoughts. they have been scattered and illogical and completely schizophrenic. i've been feeling absolutely, completely nuts.
i had the weirdest night last night. i don't want to get into all of the scandalous details, but it was more of the same of my tales of sordid. when i slip, i slip hard. and i stay there for a while b/c i can't stop myself.
but even through this time of slippery mistakes, i kept on getting reminders of God. in the randomly dropped email. or hearing something *specifically* directed towards me in a sermon. i've literally had thoughts roaming my head and had that thought addressed out loud. i got little jolts, and then i've moved on in my cloud of scattered thoughts. but i could sense that He was keeping me in mind.
this morning, i awoke feeling exhausted from my crazy night, but suddenly i was on auto-pilot. i just knew i was supposed to go and pray before church started. i didn't allow myself to think about it too hard about it b/c i knew that i would rethink it and not go. i just set my mind in agreement, even though i didn't understand.
and so i went. and God quietly spoke into my ear, "come. rest. in Me there is freedom. and love."
i couldn't stop the tears. not the weepy kind, but the kind that comes when you hear the voice of someone you deeply deeply love that you've been separated from for a while.
now, i dislike the church body. i have so many issues with church people b/c they seem so crazy. in my experience, they react really strange to anything controversial.
i once mentioned feeling slightly suicidal among a group of Christians. i could hear the crickets. i felt horrified that i exposed myself to people who couldn't even express sympathy.
when i got divorced, most of the Christians i knew avoided talking to me. or if they did, they completely skirted the issue. i was in a ton of pain and felt like a pariah on top of it. granted, they didn't know me very well and had no idea what to say, but it really sucked.
AGAIN: these are my problems as well as those peoples'. but today, i'm choosing to reject the walls i've put up around myself. i feel willing to be vulnerable again.
the people at the church i've been attending these days are wild. every Sunday, i came in quietly and waved away the name tag that they tried to stick on me, but every week they smiled. real smiles. there was an irrepressible joy and i could see it was authentic.
so, this afternoon, i went to pray. and i could feel God moving. and there were a few key moments--a few key interactions that God made happen. and i finally got pushed over the edge.
God wants me here in this church body. when i made that leap of faith--that decision to join this body, i suddenly was overwhelmed by love from all around. i know how strange that sounds, but i was literally covered in a blanket of love. i made eye contact with a few familiars and they just knew something had shifted in my spirit. they marched up and hugged me. God was there. it felt right.
i am at the top of a slide.
i haven't written in almost exactly a month b/c i've been in a state of confusion. my mind has been filled with chaos and crazy thoughts. they have been scattered and illogical and completely schizophrenic. i've been feeling absolutely, completely nuts.
i had the weirdest night last night. i don't want to get into all of the scandalous details, but it was more of the same of my tales of sordid. when i slip, i slip hard. and i stay there for a while b/c i can't stop myself.
but even through this time of slippery mistakes, i kept on getting reminders of God. in the randomly dropped email. or hearing something *specifically* directed towards me in a sermon. i've literally had thoughts roaming my head and had that thought addressed out loud. i got little jolts, and then i've moved on in my cloud of scattered thoughts. but i could sense that He was keeping me in mind.
this morning, i awoke feeling exhausted from my crazy night, but suddenly i was on auto-pilot. i just knew i was supposed to go and pray before church started. i didn't allow myself to think about it too hard about it b/c i knew that i would rethink it and not go. i just set my mind in agreement, even though i didn't understand.
and so i went. and God quietly spoke into my ear, "come. rest. in Me there is freedom. and love."
i couldn't stop the tears. not the weepy kind, but the kind that comes when you hear the voice of someone you deeply deeply love that you've been separated from for a while.
now, i dislike the church body. i have so many issues with church people b/c they seem so crazy. in my experience, they react really strange to anything controversial.
i once mentioned feeling slightly suicidal among a group of Christians. i could hear the crickets. i felt horrified that i exposed myself to people who couldn't even express sympathy.
when i got divorced, most of the Christians i knew avoided talking to me. or if they did, they completely skirted the issue. i was in a ton of pain and felt like a pariah on top of it. granted, they didn't know me very well and had no idea what to say, but it really sucked.
AGAIN: these are my problems as well as those peoples'. but today, i'm choosing to reject the walls i've put up around myself. i feel willing to be vulnerable again.
the people at the church i've been attending these days are wild. every Sunday, i came in quietly and waved away the name tag that they tried to stick on me, but every week they smiled. real smiles. there was an irrepressible joy and i could see it was authentic.
so, this afternoon, i went to pray. and i could feel God moving. and there were a few key moments--a few key interactions that God made happen. and i finally got pushed over the edge.
God wants me here in this church body. when i made that leap of faith--that decision to join this body, i suddenly was overwhelmed by love from all around. i know how strange that sounds, but i was literally covered in a blanket of love. i made eye contact with a few familiars and they just knew something had shifted in my spirit. they marched up and hugged me. God was there. it felt right.
i am at the top of a slide.
Monday, October 17, 2011
God loves the ladies
i really really hate men. i despise them. not all of them, of course, but wow--those roots go deep.
however, i'm beginning to get some healing about that.
i'm kind of on an amazing ride with the Truth. i realize that as we become more aware of what the Truth actually is, we can receive healing because of the confidence we can have in what Reality is.
for ages, i've felt so completely subjugated by men and have had 2 specific inflammatory Biblical passages about women keeping their mouths shut tossed into my face. now intuitively, i knew that God didn't actually want to keep us ladies muzzled, but how can i argue with the Bible? either i trust in its contents or i don't.
and i do trust in the contents of the Bible. God is so real to me and has undeniably met me so many times, i can't turn my back on Him. and it's nonsense to me to simply pick and choose the things that i don't like.
thus, i've always looked at those inflammatory passages as something i didn't really understand, but knew that there was something more. there had to be more. my heart pounds with His call to raise my voice. God loves women and wants to hear ALL of our voices. He wants to hear us sing, and absolutely delights in us as we fully come into our identities as His kids. only then can we use our talents to their fullest potential.
the pastor of the church i go to these days seemed to be a man's man. when i first started going, i was pretty turned off by him because he came off kinda bull-headed at times. he reminded me a lot of the men who have stepped on me in ages past, and i had a hard time sitting through his sermons. however, because God had been so loudly talking to me during the services at that church, i felt too hungry to hear His voice so i HAD TO continue to attend.
it was this pastor--this "man's man" that preached a sermon today about those inflammatory passages and gave them depth and context. and actually, at the end of the sermon, he ended up honoring women, and it brought tears to my eyes. to hear a man--a Korean American man--speak against the silencing of women in the church was powerful for me.
anyway, it's extremely difficult to change a first impression. it's a psychological improbability. however, when the Truth is spoken, healing can occur. so, wow--though i don't agree with everything that the guy says, God has totally been using him to open my eyes to things i only had a vague sense of before.
yes. i absolutely despise men. they fucking suck. but, i'm realizing how this is not right and is absolutely problematic as i live another day, another week, another year. this hate degrades me--it should not be a part of me. the hurts and wounds of the past do not have to define me. inevitably, it doesn't matter what men have done to me. what matters is that i have worth because my Creator has given it to me. as i am trying to embrace my identity and the source of my hope, i feel like i can emerge from this cage of my hate. it seems like a better way to live.
however, i'm beginning to get some healing about that.
i'm kind of on an amazing ride with the Truth. i realize that as we become more aware of what the Truth actually is, we can receive healing because of the confidence we can have in what Reality is.
for ages, i've felt so completely subjugated by men and have had 2 specific inflammatory Biblical passages about women keeping their mouths shut tossed into my face. now intuitively, i knew that God didn't actually want to keep us ladies muzzled, but how can i argue with the Bible? either i trust in its contents or i don't.
and i do trust in the contents of the Bible. God is so real to me and has undeniably met me so many times, i can't turn my back on Him. and it's nonsense to me to simply pick and choose the things that i don't like.
thus, i've always looked at those inflammatory passages as something i didn't really understand, but knew that there was something more. there had to be more. my heart pounds with His call to raise my voice. God loves women and wants to hear ALL of our voices. He wants to hear us sing, and absolutely delights in us as we fully come into our identities as His kids. only then can we use our talents to their fullest potential.
the pastor of the church i go to these days seemed to be a man's man. when i first started going, i was pretty turned off by him because he came off kinda bull-headed at times. he reminded me a lot of the men who have stepped on me in ages past, and i had a hard time sitting through his sermons. however, because God had been so loudly talking to me during the services at that church, i felt too hungry to hear His voice so i HAD TO continue to attend.
it was this pastor--this "man's man" that preached a sermon today about those inflammatory passages and gave them depth and context. and actually, at the end of the sermon, he ended up honoring women, and it brought tears to my eyes. to hear a man--a Korean American man--speak against the silencing of women in the church was powerful for me.
anyway, it's extremely difficult to change a first impression. it's a psychological improbability. however, when the Truth is spoken, healing can occur. so, wow--though i don't agree with everything that the guy says, God has totally been using him to open my eyes to things i only had a vague sense of before.
yes. i absolutely despise men. they fucking suck. but, i'm realizing how this is not right and is absolutely problematic as i live another day, another week, another year. this hate degrades me--it should not be a part of me. the hurts and wounds of the past do not have to define me. inevitably, it doesn't matter what men have done to me. what matters is that i have worth because my Creator has given it to me. as i am trying to embrace my identity and the source of my hope, i feel like i can emerge from this cage of my hate. it seems like a better way to live.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
freedom
again. on the verge of tears.
what does it mean to truly be free?
tonight, i met up with a friend and we talked and talked and talked.
i have dark, hidden places that i have allowed almost no one into for years. decades, even. these are things that have caused serious anguish and an endless flow of tears.
why do we hide?
guilt. shame. humiliation.
i'm dirty.
but, this is not true.
my mind is being unlocked. i am becoming more conscious of the Truth. i am realizing what lies have led me to stay hidden for so many years. i am not a total fuck up. i have worth, simply in virtue of my creation.
as revelations have been dawning on me, i feel like i have been awakening. i do not have to keep my head down to avoid judgment. there is no judgment or condemnation, despite my failures.
my Purpose is not at all about any action or inaction. my Purpose is simply to allow myself to be Loved by my Creator--this is much harder than you would think. how strange/broken/corrupted is it that i struggle with allowing myself to be loved?
but i conjecture that many many many people struggle with allowing themselves to be loved. we don't let people in because we are insecure. in a way, we hate ourselves--and being honest about those things is dangerous. vulnerability is risky has hell. we've all been burned. however, the more vulnerable we are, the greater the depth of love we can receive. the life question becomes: just how vulnerable will we allow ourselves to be?
the Life question for me has become: will i agree with God that i am actually lovable to Him?
as i have been moving more in alignment with my Purpose, i have come to understand that i can be honest about my struggles with my loved ones. i can now do this for 2 major reasons:
1) i can see the top of the rabbit hole. i may fail in the process of exiting, but i absolutely know now that i WILL emerge.
2) i am much more than the resume of my misdeeds. and anyway, the opinions of others really does not affect the inherent worth of my being.
i was exhausted by myself this morning, but as i meditated on these principles, my heart lightened. i have begun opening up to the people around me and i am achieving a depth of relief that i never knew was possible. this in turn has made others open up and suddenly i have been glimpsing their cages of pain and wounding.
complete healing is not only possible, we need this healing in order to be free to fully live.
i have pondered the notion of freedom for many years and it seemed a vague impossibility for me. this is simply untrue. i don't have to live in this cage anymore. i have great anticipation that this journey that i've begun will finally kick the shit out of my demons. they deserve a beating.
what does it mean to truly be free?
tonight, i met up with a friend and we talked and talked and talked.
i have dark, hidden places that i have allowed almost no one into for years. decades, even. these are things that have caused serious anguish and an endless flow of tears.
why do we hide?
guilt. shame. humiliation.
i'm dirty.
but, this is not true.
my mind is being unlocked. i am becoming more conscious of the Truth. i am realizing what lies have led me to stay hidden for so many years. i am not a total fuck up. i have worth, simply in virtue of my creation.
as revelations have been dawning on me, i feel like i have been awakening. i do not have to keep my head down to avoid judgment. there is no judgment or condemnation, despite my failures.
my Purpose is not at all about any action or inaction. my Purpose is simply to allow myself to be Loved by my Creator--this is much harder than you would think. how strange/broken/corrupted is it that i struggle with allowing myself to be loved?
but i conjecture that many many many people struggle with allowing themselves to be loved. we don't let people in because we are insecure. in a way, we hate ourselves--and being honest about those things is dangerous. vulnerability is risky has hell. we've all been burned. however, the more vulnerable we are, the greater the depth of love we can receive. the life question becomes: just how vulnerable will we allow ourselves to be?
the Life question for me has become: will i agree with God that i am actually lovable to Him?
as i have been moving more in alignment with my Purpose, i have come to understand that i can be honest about my struggles with my loved ones. i can now do this for 2 major reasons:
1) i can see the top of the rabbit hole. i may fail in the process of exiting, but i absolutely know now that i WILL emerge.
2) i am much more than the resume of my misdeeds. and anyway, the opinions of others really does not affect the inherent worth of my being.
i was exhausted by myself this morning, but as i meditated on these principles, my heart lightened. i have begun opening up to the people around me and i am achieving a depth of relief that i never knew was possible. this in turn has made others open up and suddenly i have been glimpsing their cages of pain and wounding.
complete healing is not only possible, we need this healing in order to be free to fully live.
i have pondered the notion of freedom for many years and it seemed a vague impossibility for me. this is simply untrue. i don't have to live in this cage anymore. i have great anticipation that this journey that i've begun will finally kick the shit out of my demons. they deserve a beating.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Day Two
i've taken a step that i didn't think i'd ever do. i've begun confessing out loud. not just in the privacy of my own prayers and in the cover of silence. to a real person--that i don't even know very well.
if it wasn't already clear, i Love Jesus. i know that is confusing to some. and controversial to some. and really cliche to many. but Jesus is really fucking rad. and i'm continuously amazed by what having a relationship with Him means.
the amazing thing Today is how being bonded to Him bonds me to others who know Him as well.
there i was, over slices of pizza with a girl i only met a month ago, and had only exchanged about 3-4 emails with. we kept our conversation light, at first, but suddenly we were at the edge of the precipice of some of my deepest and darkest.
i took a deep breath, put my foot out and have begun falling.
for anyone who's held onto deep, hidden things--for years and years and years... you should know how frightening it is to finally admit things out loud. i've avoided this because of the implications. because of how my life will have to change.
it's hard to say how i got Here. not how i ended up in my personal Hell--that should be obvious. we are all animals that are subject to our instincts for our own forms of *pleasure* and tumbling so far down the rabbit hole that we can no longer fathom where the blue sky is.
i too, have long dreamed of fresh air and singing birds and golden sunlight warming my skin. and i have had moments of Truly tasting and hearing these things, but they always fade into murky memories. losing hold of the edge and sinking back into the mire. forgetting which way is up. time passes quickly.
the "Here" that i'm finding surprising is the soft unlocking of my mind to Real possibilities. yesterday, i said i've been on the verge of tears for the past few weeks. i've made some pretty crazy mistakes that have driven me deeply back into my dark places. but somehow, the sunlight has been reaching me.
it's strange because i have been pretty passive about my approach to God, saving for the conversations i have with Him on my commute and going to Sunday service.
however, i keep on getting that hot undefinable buzzing that covers my head and fills my ears and quickens my heartbeat. and suddenly those words, those memories, and sharp profound Truths surface. and it been filling my eyes with tears. of pain. of gratitude. of wonder.
for decades, i have been an island with a rabbit hole. sinking in and out and rejoicing and weeping. i am so tired of weeping over the same problems. this is not working. so, making those crazy mistakes--crossing that line once last time has finally driven me to this point of confession. out loud.
this is already someplace new. and i believe that there will be more.
if it wasn't already clear, i Love Jesus. i know that is confusing to some. and controversial to some. and really cliche to many. but Jesus is really fucking rad. and i'm continuously amazed by what having a relationship with Him means.
the amazing thing Today is how being bonded to Him bonds me to others who know Him as well.
there i was, over slices of pizza with a girl i only met a month ago, and had only exchanged about 3-4 emails with. we kept our conversation light, at first, but suddenly we were at the edge of the precipice of some of my deepest and darkest.
i took a deep breath, put my foot out and have begun falling.
for anyone who's held onto deep, hidden things--for years and years and years... you should know how frightening it is to finally admit things out loud. i've avoided this because of the implications. because of how my life will have to change.
it's hard to say how i got Here. not how i ended up in my personal Hell--that should be obvious. we are all animals that are subject to our instincts for our own forms of *pleasure* and tumbling so far down the rabbit hole that we can no longer fathom where the blue sky is.
i too, have long dreamed of fresh air and singing birds and golden sunlight warming my skin. and i have had moments of Truly tasting and hearing these things, but they always fade into murky memories. losing hold of the edge and sinking back into the mire. forgetting which way is up. time passes quickly.
the "Here" that i'm finding surprising is the soft unlocking of my mind to Real possibilities. yesterday, i said i've been on the verge of tears for the past few weeks. i've made some pretty crazy mistakes that have driven me deeply back into my dark places. but somehow, the sunlight has been reaching me.
it's strange because i have been pretty passive about my approach to God, saving for the conversations i have with Him on my commute and going to Sunday service.
however, i keep on getting that hot undefinable buzzing that covers my head and fills my ears and quickens my heartbeat. and suddenly those words, those memories, and sharp profound Truths surface. and it been filling my eyes with tears. of pain. of gratitude. of wonder.
for decades, i have been an island with a rabbit hole. sinking in and out and rejoicing and weeping. i am so tired of weeping over the same problems. this is not working. so, making those crazy mistakes--crossing that line once last time has finally driven me to this point of confession. out loud.
this is already someplace new. and i believe that there will be more.
Day One
i'm trying not to beat myself up. but, i've been a pretty fallen person for the past few weeks. i am a decidedly weak person who easily succumbs. i've got urges and i'm always responding to them. i generally don't rise above. i am an animal.
i'm a little averse to posting my continual history of failures on the Net, but i've gotta put this out someplace. keeping things in the dark is dangerous.
i've been on the verge of tears for the past 8 days. isn't that strange? why do people intentionally live in a way that causes pain? i'm sure i'm not the only one.
but inside of these failures--some of these tears have not been about pain. some of these tears have been shed because of fresh understandings i have begun to have about the important Things. some powerful God lessons. i realized that when i screw up, God is not disappointed in me. He grieves with me, but He doesn't think any less of me.
i have struggled with this lie for years. it has always taken me a while to come back and approach God after i've made mistakes because i feel so riddled with guilt. i hang my head in shame and feel like i can't come back until i've 'done my time'. when we fuck up with the human beings in our lives, we generally have to give them a cool-down period. we give each other space so that the sting of the mistake can fade. but God is not like that.
He gave me this image: i can see myself as a little girl, with wispy black hair and chubby cheeks. i am sitting on my Father's lap. my focus is on the toy i am inexpertly fiddling with. He is cuddling me really close and kisses my sweaty forehead.
the thing about this image that moves me is the utter tenderness i can see in His eyes. He absolutely adores the little girl in His arms. and even when she squirms and pushes Him away or screams at Him, He is still hopelessly in love with this little girl.
He is NEVER disappointed. even though He knows everything about me. every good and evil thought that crosses my mind. He knows how little patience i have with people. He knows all about my lusts and premeditated bad choices. He understands my chaos and turmoil. He is fully aware of my past and present. He knows exactly what will happen in my future.
if i actually Believe God--if everything in the Word is Truth--if i really am that wispy-haired little girl sitting on His lap, it would IMPOSSIBLE for Him to be disappointed in me. knowing what He knows makes disappointment existentially impossible for God. He can already see me fully restored. i'll be just like Jesus. He already sees me that way.
God knows the course i've been taking in these limited days--making mistakes and constantly returning to my vomit--but He still looks at me with that utter utter love. He's always cuddling that little squirming girl on His lap. no matter what i've done, He always will want to bend down and kiss my sweaty forehead.
why? i have no clue. His love is absolutely ridiculous. but everything inside of me knows that it is the most Real thing in the world.
i'm a little averse to posting my continual history of failures on the Net, but i've gotta put this out someplace. keeping things in the dark is dangerous.
i've been on the verge of tears for the past 8 days. isn't that strange? why do people intentionally live in a way that causes pain? i'm sure i'm not the only one.
but inside of these failures--some of these tears have not been about pain. some of these tears have been shed because of fresh understandings i have begun to have about the important Things. some powerful God lessons. i realized that when i screw up, God is not disappointed in me. He grieves with me, but He doesn't think any less of me.
i have struggled with this lie for years. it has always taken me a while to come back and approach God after i've made mistakes because i feel so riddled with guilt. i hang my head in shame and feel like i can't come back until i've 'done my time'. when we fuck up with the human beings in our lives, we generally have to give them a cool-down period. we give each other space so that the sting of the mistake can fade. but God is not like that.
He gave me this image: i can see myself as a little girl, with wispy black hair and chubby cheeks. i am sitting on my Father's lap. my focus is on the toy i am inexpertly fiddling with. He is cuddling me really close and kisses my sweaty forehead.
the thing about this image that moves me is the utter tenderness i can see in His eyes. He absolutely adores the little girl in His arms. and even when she squirms and pushes Him away or screams at Him, He is still hopelessly in love with this little girl.
He is NEVER disappointed. even though He knows everything about me. every good and evil thought that crosses my mind. He knows how little patience i have with people. He knows all about my lusts and premeditated bad choices. He understands my chaos and turmoil. He is fully aware of my past and present. He knows exactly what will happen in my future.
if i actually Believe God--if everything in the Word is Truth--if i really am that wispy-haired little girl sitting on His lap, it would IMPOSSIBLE for Him to be disappointed in me. knowing what He knows makes disappointment existentially impossible for God. He can already see me fully restored. i'll be just like Jesus. He already sees me that way.
God knows the course i've been taking in these limited days--making mistakes and constantly returning to my vomit--but He still looks at me with that utter utter love. He's always cuddling that little squirming girl on His lap. no matter what i've done, He always will want to bend down and kiss my sweaty forehead.
why? i have no clue. His love is absolutely ridiculous. but everything inside of me knows that it is the most Real thing in the world.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
a blog about nothing
i need to sleep soon. i've got an early Sunday morning hike to get to. it's been a while since i've been on one of these, but my friend from the UK has been in town for the past week--and Sunday hikes were something special we used to do together. plus, it's finally beginning to cool down and the idea of getting out into the clearer air of the mountains is extremely appealing to me.
today will mark Day 5 of my life of asceticism. i made it to Day 16, but then my friend came into town and i decided to throw it out of the window--it was my own excuse and i splurged in grand style. but i paid the piper. you always have to pay the piper, huh?
i've wondered if there's any point for me to be an ascetic--and if i'd ever make it out of the double digits of days, but, there *does* seem to be a point. i feel better, healthier... my mind is clearer, i feel less guilt about ruining my physical body and i have a *somewhat* saner flow to my life. it's 10pm and i feel tired. this seems like it's a good thing. particularly because tomorrow, i'll wake with the sun--and there is something absolutely lovely about the morning.
i counted days. i wondered if i'd make it into the triple digits of ascetic days, and ironically, Day 100 will be my 33rd birthday. on Day 102 i'll be in Malaysia. or Northern Thailand.
i'm currently considering how unwise it is to write about this, particularly because i'm a weak individual who is terrible at keeping commitments--but... well, who gives a shit? these promises are to myself. and possibly God.
i guess i'm writing because it's just nice for me to keep a record someplace. eventually i read these archives over, and sometimes i learn something from them. or i get to cringe at my childish meanderings and then shrug--simply happy to be a little 'further along'.
i'm reading Murakami's running book right now and it's exactly the right book for my state of mind. pain is inevitable, but suffering is not.
i'm definitely feeling some pain.
i've had a headache for the past 21 days. i can't be sure if it's the acute bronchitis i contracted, the strange sleep i've been getting, the fact that i've quit smoking, or any of the other lifestyle changes i've made. but, more and more i'm realizing the distinct limitations of this frail form. i'm patently sensing how stability and structure and order really produces/increases/encourages longevity in my physical, spiritual, and emotional health. i'm a fucking robot, huh?
but, there it is.
though there is something constraining about regular sleep, diet, exercise, and socialization/scheduling--this seems like it should create more flexibility during my waking hours in some ways? though lately, i've been feeling like i'm in a box--socially, intellectually, and spiritually:
socially, i've really just gotten sick to death of people and have not been going out at all. i'm just not up for dealing with demands or trying to look pretty or flatter someone. but also, you can't be an ascetic and be social. it makes people uncomfortable. plus, i personally can't stand being around cigarette smoke right now. this puts a hedge around my options.
i'm also worried about the intellectual side of my mind these days. i feel like my brain has been addled by a misspent youth and i literally have trouble recalling simple things, much less keep track of my schedule. i've been absent-minded and very laissez faire about things that used to cause me much more issue. at the same time, i've rediscovered my love for books and have been burning through an average of 2-3/week--so, i'm not sure if that means my brains are ok? or... maybe it's a problem with my sleep... i've been falling sleep when "normal" people normally do, but i have been waking up at 2-3-4 in the morning for no reason. whenever i awake these days, even if i'm tired, i yearn for the sunlight. the sunlight makes it more likely for it to be the time i should sit up and begin moving. there is something unsettling about wide-awaking at 3am.
on the spiritual side... i've just got a lot of questions. i'm not questioning the larger cosmological/existential issues, but rather, i've been teasing through the questions of: so, what now? and how?
anyway, that's enough of nothing for now.
today will mark Day 5 of my life of asceticism. i made it to Day 16, but then my friend came into town and i decided to throw it out of the window--it was my own excuse and i splurged in grand style. but i paid the piper. you always have to pay the piper, huh?
i've wondered if there's any point for me to be an ascetic--and if i'd ever make it out of the double digits of days, but, there *does* seem to be a point. i feel better, healthier... my mind is clearer, i feel less guilt about ruining my physical body and i have a *somewhat* saner flow to my life. it's 10pm and i feel tired. this seems like it's a good thing. particularly because tomorrow, i'll wake with the sun--and there is something absolutely lovely about the morning.
i counted days. i wondered if i'd make it into the triple digits of ascetic days, and ironically, Day 100 will be my 33rd birthday. on Day 102 i'll be in Malaysia. or Northern Thailand.
i'm currently considering how unwise it is to write about this, particularly because i'm a weak individual who is terrible at keeping commitments--but... well, who gives a shit? these promises are to myself. and possibly God.
i guess i'm writing because it's just nice for me to keep a record someplace. eventually i read these archives over, and sometimes i learn something from them. or i get to cringe at my childish meanderings and then shrug--simply happy to be a little 'further along'.
i'm reading Murakami's running book right now and it's exactly the right book for my state of mind. pain is inevitable, but suffering is not.
i'm definitely feeling some pain.
i've had a headache for the past 21 days. i can't be sure if it's the acute bronchitis i contracted, the strange sleep i've been getting, the fact that i've quit smoking, or any of the other lifestyle changes i've made. but, more and more i'm realizing the distinct limitations of this frail form. i'm patently sensing how stability and structure and order really produces/increases/encourages longevity in my physical, spiritual, and emotional health. i'm a fucking robot, huh?
but, there it is.
though there is something constraining about regular sleep, diet, exercise, and socialization/scheduling--this seems like it should create more flexibility during my waking hours in some ways? though lately, i've been feeling like i'm in a box--socially, intellectually, and spiritually:
socially, i've really just gotten sick to death of people and have not been going out at all. i'm just not up for dealing with demands or trying to look pretty or flatter someone. but also, you can't be an ascetic and be social. it makes people uncomfortable. plus, i personally can't stand being around cigarette smoke right now. this puts a hedge around my options.
i'm also worried about the intellectual side of my mind these days. i feel like my brain has been addled by a misspent youth and i literally have trouble recalling simple things, much less keep track of my schedule. i've been absent-minded and very laissez faire about things that used to cause me much more issue. at the same time, i've rediscovered my love for books and have been burning through an average of 2-3/week--so, i'm not sure if that means my brains are ok? or... maybe it's a problem with my sleep... i've been falling sleep when "normal" people normally do, but i have been waking up at 2-3-4 in the morning for no reason. whenever i awake these days, even if i'm tired, i yearn for the sunlight. the sunlight makes it more likely for it to be the time i should sit up and begin moving. there is something unsettling about wide-awaking at 3am.
on the spiritual side... i've just got a lot of questions. i'm not questioning the larger cosmological/existential issues, but rather, i've been teasing through the questions of: so, what now? and how?
anyway, that's enough of nothing for now.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
relate to me
it's nearly 2:30am on a Friday night. i just finished inputting about 50% of the progress reports that i had to finish for my 30 students, and i'm wide awake. my dear friend is sleeping on the floor beside me, completely knocked out from all the academic hurdles we've had to bound over for the past 3 weeks. we're nearly to the end of this crazy Summer camp and hell--we're counting down the days for this to be OVER.
i'm ready for the Summer to come to a conclusion so that i can regain a semblance of normalcy. but actually, i have no idea what that is. in fact, once this Summer's over, i expect that my world might feel like it's been turned inside out.
a lot of things have happened in the past few weeks that've tested the limits of my patience in addition to stretching me out as a person. i'm realizing what a selfish person i can be, concurrently with realizing that i've become an overly(?) independent person. this has been highlighted to me as i've been living with one of my closest friends in close quarters. it's been odd having her here--always having another's presence to mind, never feeling fully *alone*.
i realize that even though i've craved the alone time, actually having someone to come home to (or with, rather--because we work in the same office) hasn't been as wildly suffocating as i thought it would be. i still don't relish the idea of ever having to live with anyone, but i'm not as staunchly against the idea as i was before her arrival.
but there has been a relational break-down with another close friend, who i just didn't have the energy or fortitude to fight with. last week, i had felt pretty put off by her and scratched our conflict's surface the following day, but i never finished addressing it because there hadn't been adequate time/opportunity to do so. i just figured that we'd work it out when i had some time to think and breathe.
unfortunately, when i scratched the surface, she felt wounded and the sore grew into a festering pus-filled mess for her. i should've realized that she would be thusly affected, but my busyness and exhaustion and angst made me feel more selfishly invested in taking care of myself, rather than looking to her needs. it's a bit of a no-win situation for one of us--and i realize that maybe it should be me. i know i shouldn't have to cow-tow to anyone, but given that i'm probably more emotionally and socially aware than she is, it's more my responsibility to try to be loving and more forgiving and self-sacrificial than she.
she's been driving me nuts these days, but i think it's because we have both become more emotionally invested in our (newer) friendship--along with this type of scenario, conflicts will/must arise. it's odd though, because i usually do not have these kinds of conflicts with my friends. usually my friendships are much more even-keeled. conflicts are reasonably discussed over coffee or drinks or dinner--and more often than not, things are talked out before they actually become a full-blown conflict.
sigh. why are some people so complicated?
this Summer, both of these relationships have highlighted how *overly* independent i've become. i dunno--i've become a pretty damn independent person. i like to do most things alone. i need hours by myself a day otherwise i begin to feel demanded upon. i don't like to travel with people. i've stopped making new friends in Seoul because i'm sick of the 'getting to know you' conversations and dealing with fucked up personalities or the disappointment of losing someone back to their home country.
whenever i meet someone with even the slightest hint of neediness, i back way the hell back and hope to blend into the wallpaper when they're around. i've got a messed up contemptuous attitude towards neediness--i figure that if: ME, of all people, can learn emotional and social independence, why can't everyone else?
however, i'm beginning to wonder if my "independence" is more of a self-protective measure so that i can never feel disappointed by people. i just stay away from those whom i can sense will probably let me down (in some way or another) and keep things light and surface level with the other amicable people i meet. if you're a new person to me and happen to do something sloppy or shady: i don't really give a shit. i couldn't really count on you because i didn't really have any expectations for you anyway... and, you have no right to expect anything from me either.
is this selfishness?
is there a such a thing as "overly" independent?
i'm worried that i've developed some fucked up ideas about how to relate to people.
well, i'm staring at this computer screen through my smudged glasses, and my friend has just complained about me keeping the light on. because i love her, i will sign off for now.
i've got many things to ponder on. for now, in the dark, i suppose.
i'm ready for the Summer to come to a conclusion so that i can regain a semblance of normalcy. but actually, i have no idea what that is. in fact, once this Summer's over, i expect that my world might feel like it's been turned inside out.
a lot of things have happened in the past few weeks that've tested the limits of my patience in addition to stretching me out as a person. i'm realizing what a selfish person i can be, concurrently with realizing that i've become an overly(?) independent person. this has been highlighted to me as i've been living with one of my closest friends in close quarters. it's been odd having her here--always having another's presence to mind, never feeling fully *alone*.
i realize that even though i've craved the alone time, actually having someone to come home to (or with, rather--because we work in the same office) hasn't been as wildly suffocating as i thought it would be. i still don't relish the idea of ever having to live with anyone, but i'm not as staunchly against the idea as i was before her arrival.
but there has been a relational break-down with another close friend, who i just didn't have the energy or fortitude to fight with. last week, i had felt pretty put off by her and scratched our conflict's surface the following day, but i never finished addressing it because there hadn't been adequate time/opportunity to do so. i just figured that we'd work it out when i had some time to think and breathe.
unfortunately, when i scratched the surface, she felt wounded and the sore grew into a festering pus-filled mess for her. i should've realized that she would be thusly affected, but my busyness and exhaustion and angst made me feel more selfishly invested in taking care of myself, rather than looking to her needs. it's a bit of a no-win situation for one of us--and i realize that maybe it should be me. i know i shouldn't have to cow-tow to anyone, but given that i'm probably more emotionally and socially aware than she is, it's more my responsibility to try to be loving and more forgiving and self-sacrificial than she.
she's been driving me nuts these days, but i think it's because we have both become more emotionally invested in our (newer) friendship--along with this type of scenario, conflicts will/must arise. it's odd though, because i usually do not have these kinds of conflicts with my friends. usually my friendships are much more even-keeled. conflicts are reasonably discussed over coffee or drinks or dinner--and more often than not, things are talked out before they actually become a full-blown conflict.
sigh. why are some people so complicated?
this Summer, both of these relationships have highlighted how *overly* independent i've become. i dunno--i've become a pretty damn independent person. i like to do most things alone. i need hours by myself a day otherwise i begin to feel demanded upon. i don't like to travel with people. i've stopped making new friends in Seoul because i'm sick of the 'getting to know you' conversations and dealing with fucked up personalities or the disappointment of losing someone back to their home country.
whenever i meet someone with even the slightest hint of neediness, i back way the hell back and hope to blend into the wallpaper when they're around. i've got a messed up contemptuous attitude towards neediness--i figure that if: ME, of all people, can learn emotional and social independence, why can't everyone else?
however, i'm beginning to wonder if my "independence" is more of a self-protective measure so that i can never feel disappointed by people. i just stay away from those whom i can sense will probably let me down (in some way or another) and keep things light and surface level with the other amicable people i meet. if you're a new person to me and happen to do something sloppy or shady: i don't really give a shit. i couldn't really count on you because i didn't really have any expectations for you anyway... and, you have no right to expect anything from me either.
is this selfishness?
is there a such a thing as "overly" independent?
i'm worried that i've developed some fucked up ideas about how to relate to people.
well, i'm staring at this computer screen through my smudged glasses, and my friend has just complained about me keeping the light on. because i love her, i will sign off for now.
i've got many things to ponder on. for now, in the dark, i suppose.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
bloody Sunday
at what point can a person claim the title "Fool"?
[yes, i know... i too hate my own self-deprecation and wholeheartedly see the irony of that]
i am pondering: how many times can a person can learn something and then forget it and then re-learn it and then forget it--before truly deserving the title of Master of Foolishness?
but, here it is again, something that i've learned before, forgotten, then relearned again today. i don't know how many times i've learned this particular lesson. but well, to err is human, but to forgive, divine, yes? i must apply this forgiveness to the forgiveness of myself as well.
i don't give up. i can't. won't. for me, it is far better to bite my lip in humiliation, brush the detritus from my bleeding wounds, then rise back to my feet.
forgiving one's self is extremely difficult for a certain population of us humans, isn't it? i know this is an obvious question, but Self-Loathing is a very real experience for me. she has been one of my very favorite demons for decades. but i hope, for myself and the other Fools out there, when we re-learn--when we re-forgive--we also integrate a little something extra.
thus, i am sitting here, uncomfortable, with a headache and itchy skin. i feel weak and fidgety. this is a terrible combination of physical discomforts. i am also experiencing waves of peace and panic as i consider the unknown. it is a scary place.
but the common, the unchanged, the gaze upon my own reflection in the mirror and immediately forgetting what i look like--this is much worse than my trepidation and achy flesh. i am going pray while i continue to sit here, the Master that i am, hoping to push through my jitters and finally have this title fall from my shoulders.
better to run. scream. dance. tear at my hair. breathe. laugh. rest. sing. cry.
lather. rinse.
but this time, let me reel clean off the edge.
[yes, i know... i too hate my own self-deprecation and wholeheartedly see the irony of that]
i am pondering: how many times can a person can learn something and then forget it and then re-learn it and then forget it--before truly deserving the title of Master of Foolishness?
but, here it is again, something that i've learned before, forgotten, then relearned again today. i don't know how many times i've learned this particular lesson. but well, to err is human, but to forgive, divine, yes? i must apply this forgiveness to the forgiveness of myself as well.
i don't give up. i can't. won't. for me, it is far better to bite my lip in humiliation, brush the detritus from my bleeding wounds, then rise back to my feet.
forgiving one's self is extremely difficult for a certain population of us humans, isn't it? i know this is an obvious question, but Self-Loathing is a very real experience for me. she has been one of my very favorite demons for decades. but i hope, for myself and the other Fools out there, when we re-learn--when we re-forgive--we also integrate a little something extra.
thus, i am sitting here, uncomfortable, with a headache and itchy skin. i feel weak and fidgety. this is a terrible combination of physical discomforts. i am also experiencing waves of peace and panic as i consider the unknown. it is a scary place.
but the common, the unchanged, the gaze upon my own reflection in the mirror and immediately forgetting what i look like--this is much worse than my trepidation and achy flesh. i am going pray while i continue to sit here, the Master that i am, hoping to push through my jitters and finally have this title fall from my shoulders.
better to run. scream. dance. tear at my hair. breathe. laugh. rest. sing. cry.
lather. rinse.
but this time, let me reel clean off the edge.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Taw
i've been pushed to the limit and have coped in pretty unhealthy ways...
the Spring transitioned into Summery monsoon and we are now moving into late Summer. i'm now officially halfway through a Summer camp as head teacher/coordinator, and of course, i'm utterly *exhausted*.
i'm sure it's annoying to continue to read my repetitive plaint: ugh! i'm a fucking mess. i feel especially bad today because i recently got reallyREALLY good news, but nullified the goodness of that news within 164 hours of receiving it.
but, that's not what i want to talk about tonight. i'm a mess, but God is really good to me. He still meets me, and chooses to call me His daughter. i don't understand this. why does God give me chance upon chance upon chance?
despite the fact that i have once again made a bad choice that has put me right back into peril--despite the fact that i dodged a bullet, only to run back into the gunfire, i know my Redeemer lives. and He is active in my life.
this makes me feel weak. with gratitude and a hope for something better.
i had arduously plodded through chapter 119--the longest chapter in the longest book of the collection. i've been pretty lazy (avoidant?) about keeping up with my reading and reflection. i have a hard time reading upbeat exclamations of praise when i'm not doing so well. i know that's shitty and speaks to how messed up i am as a person. however, the thought that the writer closes up this helluva long chapter with is: "I have gone astray like a lost sheep; seek your servant, for I do not forget your commandments."
this was very comforting for me to read. i felt a little less alone in my astray-ness. i know i'm crazy. and neurotic. and tend to be insecure about the value of my personhood for much of my waking existence.
and the next part is also that i never forget Him. i can't. not after knowing what i know. and experiencing what i've experienced.
i also know i can't actually bring lasting change to these things without God's help.
i had a moment of thankfulness as i read that verse. God used that writer to speak to me when s/he put quill to paper--or whatever they used back in those days.
these glimmers of Grace, despite the brokenness of my existence remind me about what Love is. and there is nothing more True or Real about Who i really am. This is what gives me value.
the Spring transitioned into Summery monsoon and we are now moving into late Summer. i'm now officially halfway through a Summer camp as head teacher/coordinator, and of course, i'm utterly *exhausted*.
i'm sure it's annoying to continue to read my repetitive plaint: ugh! i'm a fucking mess. i feel especially bad today because i recently got reallyREALLY good news, but nullified the goodness of that news within 164 hours of receiving it.
but, that's not what i want to talk about tonight. i'm a mess, but God is really good to me. He still meets me, and chooses to call me His daughter. i don't understand this. why does God give me chance upon chance upon chance?
despite the fact that i have once again made a bad choice that has put me right back into peril--despite the fact that i dodged a bullet, only to run back into the gunfire, i know my Redeemer lives. and He is active in my life.
this makes me feel weak. with gratitude and a hope for something better.
i had arduously plodded through chapter 119--the longest chapter in the longest book of the collection. i've been pretty lazy (avoidant?) about keeping up with my reading and reflection. i have a hard time reading upbeat exclamations of praise when i'm not doing so well. i know that's shitty and speaks to how messed up i am as a person. however, the thought that the writer closes up this helluva long chapter with is: "I have gone astray like a lost sheep; seek your servant, for I do not forget your commandments."
this was very comforting for me to read. i felt a little less alone in my astray-ness. i know i'm crazy. and neurotic. and tend to be insecure about the value of my personhood for much of my waking existence.
and the next part is also that i never forget Him. i can't. not after knowing what i know. and experiencing what i've experienced.
i also know i can't actually bring lasting change to these things without God's help.
i had a moment of thankfulness as i read that verse. God used that writer to speak to me when s/he put quill to paper--or whatever they used back in those days.
these glimmers of Grace, despite the brokenness of my existence remind me about what Love is. and there is nothing more True or Real about Who i really am. This is what gives me value.
Monday, July 25, 2011
splatter
my foot has been pressing hard against the accelerator.
gaining momentum
racingblurringstumbletopple correction
speedingspeeding hope i don't die.
or do i care about that?
as badly as i want to slow down--as much as i want to take my foot off the gas, i just can't. there isn't time. there's only responsibility. and obligation. and love and laughter and must do's.
dizzy with exhaustion
sometimes happy
sometimes angry
completely spent
and i feel so selfish because i feel like i can barely keep on doing anything. for anyone.
and i hate myself for it. and i hate everything because i just want to get some rest.
why can't i just have 2 full days where no one asks anything of me? and i can just sit in the sun and sip some tea and read a book?
it's been like this since the beginning of March.
the craziest, busiest job. that i love. then my brother came to visit right at the cusp of midterms. he left right when my finals prep began. right away i was slammed with a grueling month of end-of-semester tasks that spilled into an ever-growing pile. i was finally done on a Friday.
but summer school began the following Monday. and then came another fast paced month of 10 hour days, 70 quizzes to daily grade, lessons to plan, feedback to give, students and administration to please--all while mentally preparing for a month-long guest and her friend to stay with me in my apartment.
[i am always excited to spend time with loved ones, but, my apartment had been my only sanctuary for peace. where i could shut everything and everybody OUT. and i didn't have to emotionally cater or move or breathe or listen or speak.]
i thought i had a week to rest before my friend arrived. the finish line was in sight. but on the second to last day of summer school, i came home, hungry and tired. i had with a heavy bag of finals to grade and a mountain of administrative task to complete.
but there was a monster in my apartment.
dark green tendrils soaked into the very bed i had been sleeping on. it rotted into all of my furniture and clothes and began to eat away at all the surfaces--the walls, the counters, into my refrigerator and coffee maker--every place my hands and feet touched were infected. infested.
from one corner to another to the next and all around--growing, creeping inward, sealing me into the center of the room, choking me and making my skin crawl with revulsion. billions of spores were tossed into the air, invisible, but stinking my nostrils and sinking into my bronchioles. while it crazy-monsooned outside.
there was no place to run. i couldn't even go outside for a breath of fresh air because it would be just another rain-soaked task to deal with.
i cried. in helpless frustration. but mostly weariness.
and then, i grit my teeth, turned on some music, and graded those damn finals. i used a black pen to pass 'em, a red one to fail 'em, used my bag as a pillow and fell asleep at 4am. my eyes popped open 3 hours later, i taught my last 2 classes, then rushed back and searched for an apartment. in the monsoon. 12 hours from the beginning of that day, i shakily selected an apartment, then went back home to pack so that i could move the next day.
again, i stayed up until 4am tossing out heavy loads of disintegrating furniture, my body smeared with sweat and mold and dirt and spiders while it rained on me.
8am, the mover came, and we moved the contents of that god-forsaken apartment into the next one. i cringed at the thought of all of the spores that were still embedded into the fibers of every last piece of cloth i owned.
which finally brings me to this week.
i've been a zombie as i've methodically moved. i've done 16 loads of laundry and unpacked and wiped down surfaces. the air's filled with toxic disinfectants while the skin of my hands have chapped--but i washed them, hung up clothing to dry on anything available and have continued on and on.
and on and on.
i couldn't let myself think too hard about the fact that my hope for rest was shrinking because time moves inexorably forward. and my minutes are limited. because i would have to cry.
and now, it's 1am, i have to be up in 7 hours, and i've got yet another hectic month in front of me.
i don't know what to feel.
am i allowed to feel?
yes. i feel tired.
and extremely confused.
all of these awful things have happened concurrently with some strange and incredible things. while my head throbs from weariness, i'm also feeling perplexed.
against all odds, i've gotten some perfectly good news about the fall, my health, and was suddenly stirred out of some terrible complacencies i've been locked into for a long time.
there's too much to explicated, but there are some horrible and good things flooding my life at precisely this time.
what the hell is going on? will i ever have a chance for peace? am i just not built to attain any?
is life just a mother fucker or is there something else happening that i can't understand?
gaining momentum
racingblurringstumbletopple correction
speedingspeeding hope i don't die.
or do i care about that?
as badly as i want to slow down--as much as i want to take my foot off the gas, i just can't. there isn't time. there's only responsibility. and obligation. and love and laughter and must do's.
dizzy with exhaustion
sometimes happy
sometimes angry
completely spent
and i feel so selfish because i feel like i can barely keep on doing anything. for anyone.
and i hate myself for it. and i hate everything because i just want to get some rest.
why can't i just have 2 full days where no one asks anything of me? and i can just sit in the sun and sip some tea and read a book?
it's been like this since the beginning of March.
the craziest, busiest job. that i love. then my brother came to visit right at the cusp of midterms. he left right when my finals prep began. right away i was slammed with a grueling month of end-of-semester tasks that spilled into an ever-growing pile. i was finally done on a Friday.
but summer school began the following Monday. and then came another fast paced month of 10 hour days, 70 quizzes to daily grade, lessons to plan, feedback to give, students and administration to please--all while mentally preparing for a month-long guest and her friend to stay with me in my apartment.
[i am always excited to spend time with loved ones, but, my apartment had been my only sanctuary for peace. where i could shut everything and everybody OUT. and i didn't have to emotionally cater or move or breathe or listen or speak.]
i thought i had a week to rest before my friend arrived. the finish line was in sight. but on the second to last day of summer school, i came home, hungry and tired. i had with a heavy bag of finals to grade and a mountain of administrative task to complete.
but there was a monster in my apartment.
dark green tendrils soaked into the very bed i had been sleeping on. it rotted into all of my furniture and clothes and began to eat away at all the surfaces--the walls, the counters, into my refrigerator and coffee maker--every place my hands and feet touched were infected. infested.
from one corner to another to the next and all around--growing, creeping inward, sealing me into the center of the room, choking me and making my skin crawl with revulsion. billions of spores were tossed into the air, invisible, but stinking my nostrils and sinking into my bronchioles. while it crazy-monsooned outside.
there was no place to run. i couldn't even go outside for a breath of fresh air because it would be just another rain-soaked task to deal with.
i cried. in helpless frustration. but mostly weariness.
and then, i grit my teeth, turned on some music, and graded those damn finals. i used a black pen to pass 'em, a red one to fail 'em, used my bag as a pillow and fell asleep at 4am. my eyes popped open 3 hours later, i taught my last 2 classes, then rushed back and searched for an apartment. in the monsoon. 12 hours from the beginning of that day, i shakily selected an apartment, then went back home to pack so that i could move the next day.
again, i stayed up until 4am tossing out heavy loads of disintegrating furniture, my body smeared with sweat and mold and dirt and spiders while it rained on me.
8am, the mover came, and we moved the contents of that god-forsaken apartment into the next one. i cringed at the thought of all of the spores that were still embedded into the fibers of every last piece of cloth i owned.
which finally brings me to this week.
i've been a zombie as i've methodically moved. i've done 16 loads of laundry and unpacked and wiped down surfaces. the air's filled with toxic disinfectants while the skin of my hands have chapped--but i washed them, hung up clothing to dry on anything available and have continued on and on.
and on and on.
i couldn't let myself think too hard about the fact that my hope for rest was shrinking because time moves inexorably forward. and my minutes are limited. because i would have to cry.
and now, it's 1am, i have to be up in 7 hours, and i've got yet another hectic month in front of me.
i don't know what to feel.
am i allowed to feel?
yes. i feel tired.
and extremely confused.
all of these awful things have happened concurrently with some strange and incredible things. while my head throbs from weariness, i'm also feeling perplexed.
against all odds, i've gotten some perfectly good news about the fall, my health, and was suddenly stirred out of some terrible complacencies i've been locked into for a long time.
there's too much to explicated, but there are some horrible and good things flooding my life at precisely this time.
what the hell is going on? will i ever have a chance for peace? am i just not built to attain any?
is life just a mother fucker or is there something else happening that i can't understand?
Monday, July 11, 2011
Journal: 7.11.11
i'm losing time these days.
i don't know if it's age or depression or angst or busyness. but i'm beginning to forget things. things that seem like they should be important to me. or even the unimportant thing i went into my bedroom to get before i leave the house. shit. declining mental acuity is concerning.
so, is this it? have i already peaked and now steadily making my way downward into mediocrity... and then worse?
i'm also feeling like a turtle. not the Teenage Mutant Ninja kind, but the 300 pound overgrown kind that accidentally made my way up the sand dune instead of back down into the ocean. i'm blistering in the sun while nasty little kids are squealing with horror at the novelty of my being. they're poking me with sharp sticks and i'm retracted, sick of all of the noise and chaos, wondering if there is any hope of escape.
i'm feeling super angry with everything and everyone these days. damnit.
i'm good at pasting on a plastic smile, making jovial the setting i'm twirling my hair in, or saying something inappropriate for a snicker. only the nearest to me can sense something's wrong. but even they aren't privy to what's actually going on. inside.
sigh.
when will this pass? i don't know. i'm longing for that lasting happiness. the stuff that sticks.
i don't know if it's age or depression or angst or busyness. but i'm beginning to forget things. things that seem like they should be important to me. or even the unimportant thing i went into my bedroom to get before i leave the house. shit. declining mental acuity is concerning.
so, is this it? have i already peaked and now steadily making my way downward into mediocrity... and then worse?
i'm also feeling like a turtle. not the Teenage Mutant Ninja kind, but the 300 pound overgrown kind that accidentally made my way up the sand dune instead of back down into the ocean. i'm blistering in the sun while nasty little kids are squealing with horror at the novelty of my being. they're poking me with sharp sticks and i'm retracted, sick of all of the noise and chaos, wondering if there is any hope of escape.
i'm feeling super angry with everything and everyone these days. damnit.
i'm good at pasting on a plastic smile, making jovial the setting i'm twirling my hair in, or saying something inappropriate for a snicker. only the nearest to me can sense something's wrong. but even they aren't privy to what's actually going on. inside.
sigh.
when will this pass? i don't know. i'm longing for that lasting happiness. the stuff that sticks.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Daleth
Saturday morning.
gloomy skies.
occasional voices murmur against concrete.
a hammer banging on a construction project is echoing.
it's sticky. humidity.
Daleth:
"my soul clings to the dust.
give me Life according to Your Word.
when i told of my ways, You answered me; teach me Your statutes.
make me understand the way of Your precepts, and i will meditate on Your wondrous works.
my soul melts for sorrow; strengthen me according to Your Word.
put false ways far from me and graciously teach me Your law.
i have chosen the way of faithfulness; i set Your rules before me.
i cling to Your testimonies, O Lord; let me not be put to shame!
i will run in the way of your commandments when you enlarge my heart."
this is not very lyrical, but it stopped me on the train this week. so i memorized it.
there's a lot about feeling like shit, which i can relate to of course.
but i'm getting stuck on the 'law/rules' part. there's something about those verses that sound so abrupt. plus, i'm not exactly sure which/what precepts are being referred to. anyway, for some reason, understanding this passage seems important to me.
i'm leaving this crazy metropolis for the day to spend some time talking to God. i absolutely know that i can do that anyplace, but i feel so rushed/tired/busy/cloudy while i'm here. i need to get into an environment away from my computer, books, work, phone, people--where it's just me and God. i have no option but to confront Him. or have Him confront me.
to be honest, i feel a little worried. not-so-much in anticipation that i might get struck by lightening/something--but i worry about feeling bored. doesn't that feel like a sacrilege?--God should be offended by such a statement, huh? but prayer can feel pretty damn boring sometimes.
today, i assign myself several hours to talk and think and wait. leave the clutter behind.
gloomy skies.
occasional voices murmur against concrete.
a hammer banging on a construction project is echoing.
it's sticky. humidity.
Daleth:
"my soul clings to the dust.
give me Life according to Your Word.
when i told of my ways, You answered me; teach me Your statutes.
make me understand the way of Your precepts, and i will meditate on Your wondrous works.
my soul melts for sorrow; strengthen me according to Your Word.
put false ways far from me and graciously teach me Your law.
i have chosen the way of faithfulness; i set Your rules before me.
i cling to Your testimonies, O Lord; let me not be put to shame!
i will run in the way of your commandments when you enlarge my heart."
this is not very lyrical, but it stopped me on the train this week. so i memorized it.
there's a lot about feeling like shit, which i can relate to of course.
but i'm getting stuck on the 'law/rules' part. there's something about those verses that sound so abrupt. plus, i'm not exactly sure which/what precepts are being referred to. anyway, for some reason, understanding this passage seems important to me.
i'm leaving this crazy metropolis for the day to spend some time talking to God. i absolutely know that i can do that anyplace, but i feel so rushed/tired/busy/cloudy while i'm here. i need to get into an environment away from my computer, books, work, phone, people--where it's just me and God. i have no option but to confront Him. or have Him confront me.
to be honest, i feel a little worried. not-so-much in anticipation that i might get struck by lightening/something--but i worry about feeling bored. doesn't that feel like a sacrilege?--God should be offended by such a statement, huh? but prayer can feel pretty damn boring sometimes.
today, i assign myself several hours to talk and think and wait. leave the clutter behind.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
existential crisis: 2011
i'm exhausted and angsty.
it's only Monday night and i feel like i've been run over by a freight train.
i had an emotionally cathartic conversation with one of the few people in Korea that i dearly Dearly Love, and HELL. this was about as close as i've gotten to finally breaking through.
i don't know what got into me, but all of the pain and anguish i've been feeling about the recent months came spilling out. she could see how roiled i felt and as i shared, i was able to share more.
i have a lot of metaphysical questions that i haven't examined closely in a while, but as i am due for my quarterly existential crisis, the pressure blew up into near tears.
i wonder about God sometimes. His existence and Love and Reality are all irrefutable to me. but it is too macroscopic and unbelievable and completely insane to fathom at times. i feel this way when God becomes secondary in my daily wanderings and then, He becomes impersonal. undoubtedly, this is my fault. i choose the temporary over the eternal with the majority of my choices in life--and it is only His profound, severe, unrelenting Grace that keeps me hanging on. or rather, i'm dangling, on the unbreakable thread.
despite the fact that God met me so powerfully nearly 12 years to date, i've been a shadow of what i should be. despite violence and blood and broken bones and terror, i kept pieces of myself back. i wanted to keep those pieces for myself. my refusal to just give it ALL has resulted in the tragedy of a dozen wasted years.
for most of the year, i'm a miserable slave to the pieces i refused to surrender. however, for several weeks, maybe a month--of every given year, i get so sick of being sick of myself and just walk with God. and it's amazing. and i feel alive. and the universe makes complete fucking sense to me.
my time in Indonesia was the most recent of these episodes, and i KNEW who i was. and had absolutely no fears or insecurities or questions about... anything.
but then, whenever i'm presented with the same life, the same temptations, the same habits, i stumble again. and again. and eventually, i find myself in that familiar filthy puddle of my own shit. wishing i could just eschew mortality. wishing i could just curl up against His ankles next to His throne. and just cry. and sleep.
here's the scarier thing. as the years have passed, not only have those lusts become deeper, but worse and worse lusts have accompanied the original. i'm crossing lines that i would've thought completely unimaginable, three years ago. five years ago. ten years ago.
i've cried myself awake with the ridiculously cliched question: who am i?
as i poured out this anguish to my friend, i read her wide eyes to communicate concern. but actually she said, "i'm experiencing exactly the same thing." there was encouragement in these words. she asked, "but do you think we would have to share everything?"
here's the thing about secrets. they're dirty. if we keep things hidden, they will grow and fester because there is no one to stop it. to call you on it. humans are greedy as hell. this manifests differently for every person, but in the end, we are slaves to our indulgences.
we have voracious, insatiable appetites for *whatever*--whether it is for seemingly innocuous things like relationships or our standards or adulation from others; or the more apparently destructive things like drugs or alcohol or random sex.
where does this leave me?
tonight, i was about one breath away from sharing my dirty little secrets with my dear friend. this is the closest i've come to doing that with anyone in Korea. this is monumental for me.
we both got teary and she gave me the hug that i'd been needing for the past few months. we have decided to retreat away, specifically to pray, for hours this weekend. hell. i MUST be desperate. but i feel hungry and dessicated and at the end of myself. in reality, i know that i don't need to eschew my mortality in order to curl up at His ankles at His throne.
i need to weep. and find some rest.
it's only Monday night and i feel like i've been run over by a freight train.
i had an emotionally cathartic conversation with one of the few people in Korea that i dearly Dearly Love, and HELL. this was about as close as i've gotten to finally breaking through.
i don't know what got into me, but all of the pain and anguish i've been feeling about the recent months came spilling out. she could see how roiled i felt and as i shared, i was able to share more.
i have a lot of metaphysical questions that i haven't examined closely in a while, but as i am due for my quarterly existential crisis, the pressure blew up into near tears.
i wonder about God sometimes. His existence and Love and Reality are all irrefutable to me. but it is too macroscopic and unbelievable and completely insane to fathom at times. i feel this way when God becomes secondary in my daily wanderings and then, He becomes impersonal. undoubtedly, this is my fault. i choose the temporary over the eternal with the majority of my choices in life--and it is only His profound, severe, unrelenting Grace that keeps me hanging on. or rather, i'm dangling, on the unbreakable thread.
despite the fact that God met me so powerfully nearly 12 years to date, i've been a shadow of what i should be. despite violence and blood and broken bones and terror, i kept pieces of myself back. i wanted to keep those pieces for myself. my refusal to just give it ALL has resulted in the tragedy of a dozen wasted years.
for most of the year, i'm a miserable slave to the pieces i refused to surrender. however, for several weeks, maybe a month--of every given year, i get so sick of being sick of myself and just walk with God. and it's amazing. and i feel alive. and the universe makes complete fucking sense to me.
my time in Indonesia was the most recent of these episodes, and i KNEW who i was. and had absolutely no fears or insecurities or questions about... anything.
but then, whenever i'm presented with the same life, the same temptations, the same habits, i stumble again. and again. and eventually, i find myself in that familiar filthy puddle of my own shit. wishing i could just eschew mortality. wishing i could just curl up against His ankles next to His throne. and just cry. and sleep.
here's the scarier thing. as the years have passed, not only have those lusts become deeper, but worse and worse lusts have accompanied the original. i'm crossing lines that i would've thought completely unimaginable, three years ago. five years ago. ten years ago.
i've cried myself awake with the ridiculously cliched question: who am i?
as i poured out this anguish to my friend, i read her wide eyes to communicate concern. but actually she said, "i'm experiencing exactly the same thing." there was encouragement in these words. she asked, "but do you think we would have to share everything?"
here's the thing about secrets. they're dirty. if we keep things hidden, they will grow and fester because there is no one to stop it. to call you on it. humans are greedy as hell. this manifests differently for every person, but in the end, we are slaves to our indulgences.
we have voracious, insatiable appetites for *whatever*--whether it is for seemingly innocuous things like relationships or our standards or adulation from others; or the more apparently destructive things like drugs or alcohol or random sex.
where does this leave me?
tonight, i was about one breath away from sharing my dirty little secrets with my dear friend. this is the closest i've come to doing that with anyone in Korea. this is monumental for me.
we both got teary and she gave me the hug that i'd been needing for the past few months. we have decided to retreat away, specifically to pray, for hours this weekend. hell. i MUST be desperate. but i feel hungry and dessicated and at the end of myself. in reality, i know that i don't need to eschew my mortality in order to curl up at His ankles at His throne.
i need to weep. and find some rest.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
dancing. walking.
it's 3am on Friday night/Saturday morn, and i just got home.
i'm WIDE awake.
i just bought my first pair of high heels in five years.
i hated high heels. i thought of them as somewhat degrading and ridiculous. why the hell should women have to titter tip-toe around on those tiny little spikes? plus, i've got notoriously bad balance, so i found them downright dangerous. but women abound attest that 'you just get used to them'. PSHAW. i shouldn't have to "get used to" pain and hazardous missteps for the sake of sex appeal.
however, i can admit the problematic nature of my unwillingness to see outside of my perspective at times.
my friend R__n has got the sweetest face and disposition, and it's hard not to get pulled into every earnest word that passes her lips. she had a pair of dancing heels custom made for her and asked me to go pick them up with her. i shrugged, giggled at her exuberant enthusiasm, and agreed to meet her on the cusp of this monsoon season.
and then: sigh. what can i say? i'm a bit of a sucker for shoes. i generally go for comfort with a little flare, but when i was surrounded by hundreds of pretty, strappy heels and everyone was buying a pair, i couldn't help but examine the electric blue ones. and the red ones.
i tried them on. and fingered the suede base. and oohed and aah-ed over my friend's custom made ones.
"they'll totally help me on the dance floor!" she exclaimed.
i examined my feet in those sexy heels in the mirror, "i don't know, R__n. i can hardly walk a straight line."
"they're half the price of the all the other ones we've been looking at!"
i gingerly tested my weight against those spikes. i was shocked to hear very little complaint from my toes. i did a quick inside turn and realized how balanced i felt.
"i'm sold."
so, tonight was my first test run of them. i actually danced with more balance than i do in my flats. and i suppose i looked sexier--which was strange.
i'm feeling pretty bad about myself these days, so i find it mysterious that guy'll still hit on me in this sea of skinny frilly beautiful easy women. albeit, the men hitting on me are generally pretty gross, but hey--sometimes superficial affirmation can get you to the next gas station.
plus, there was this British guy who insisted on buying me a drink... we like the same music/books/movies and have the same philosophies about traveling. which is important. and he was pretty cute. and i'm a sucker for European accents. (shame on me!!--it's so fucking cliche.)
and then there was this Korean guy, who got really cute with sharing his sweet ideas about... everything. we danced and talked and shared a smoke. and talked some more. and he was quite liberal about being friendly about being inside my personal space.
we talked about culture. and language.
he shared about his grandparents.
and Love. of course.
these Koreans!!
here's the problem. they both played it exactly right. though i was clearly a tad standoffish, they led the conversations to reveal where they might likely find me this weekend and beyond. i was definitely sending the "no-go" signals about giving out my number--and they abided by my unspoken request.
(thank goodness. i would've been creeped out.)
but damnit, this made me curious about both of them. why couldn't they both have been overbearing and creepy? now i'm inclined to flirt.
while we were in the middle of some talk about *something*, Seong-ju randomly grabbed me and twirled
me into a bachata number. i laughed in delight.
this is fun. i have no responsibilities to anyone. i can just enjoy the music. and moving my body. and our sweat.
here's the reality: i don't want a relationship. i don't even think sex is a good idea for me at this point...
but i did like his hands pulling and turning me into the beat of the bongo drum.
i'm WIDE awake.
i just bought my first pair of high heels in five years.
i hated high heels. i thought of them as somewhat degrading and ridiculous. why the hell should women have to titter tip-toe around on those tiny little spikes? plus, i've got notoriously bad balance, so i found them downright dangerous. but women abound attest that 'you just get used to them'. PSHAW. i shouldn't have to "get used to" pain and hazardous missteps for the sake of sex appeal.
however, i can admit the problematic nature of my unwillingness to see outside of my perspective at times.
my friend R__n has got the sweetest face and disposition, and it's hard not to get pulled into every earnest word that passes her lips. she had a pair of dancing heels custom made for her and asked me to go pick them up with her. i shrugged, giggled at her exuberant enthusiasm, and agreed to meet her on the cusp of this monsoon season.
and then: sigh. what can i say? i'm a bit of a sucker for shoes. i generally go for comfort with a little flare, but when i was surrounded by hundreds of pretty, strappy heels and everyone was buying a pair, i couldn't help but examine the electric blue ones. and the red ones.
i tried them on. and fingered the suede base. and oohed and aah-ed over my friend's custom made ones.
"they'll totally help me on the dance floor!" she exclaimed.
i examined my feet in those sexy heels in the mirror, "i don't know, R__n. i can hardly walk a straight line."
"they're half the price of the all the other ones we've been looking at!"
i gingerly tested my weight against those spikes. i was shocked to hear very little complaint from my toes. i did a quick inside turn and realized how balanced i felt.
"i'm sold."
so, tonight was my first test run of them. i actually danced with more balance than i do in my flats. and i suppose i looked sexier--which was strange.
i'm feeling pretty bad about myself these days, so i find it mysterious that guy'll still hit on me in this sea of skinny frilly beautiful easy women. albeit, the men hitting on me are generally pretty gross, but hey--sometimes superficial affirmation can get you to the next gas station.
plus, there was this British guy who insisted on buying me a drink... we like the same music/books/movies and have the same philosophies about traveling. which is important. and he was pretty cute. and i'm a sucker for European accents. (shame on me!!--it's so fucking cliche.)
and then there was this Korean guy, who got really cute with sharing his sweet ideas about... everything. we danced and talked and shared a smoke. and talked some more. and he was quite liberal about being friendly about being inside my personal space.
we talked about culture. and language.
he shared about his grandparents.
and Love. of course.
these Koreans!!
here's the problem. they both played it exactly right. though i was clearly a tad standoffish, they led the conversations to reveal where they might likely find me this weekend and beyond. i was definitely sending the "no-go" signals about giving out my number--and they abided by my unspoken request.
(thank goodness. i would've been creeped out.)
but damnit, this made me curious about both of them. why couldn't they both have been overbearing and creepy? now i'm inclined to flirt.
while we were in the middle of some talk about *something*, Seong-ju randomly grabbed me and twirled
me into a bachata number. i laughed in delight.
this is fun. i have no responsibilities to anyone. i can just enjoy the music. and moving my body. and our sweat.
here's the reality: i don't want a relationship. i don't even think sex is a good idea for me at this point...
but i did like his hands pulling and turning me into the beat of the bongo drum.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
workingworking
Sunday night.
i just finished my Spring semester on Thursday, but i had to prep for summer school which starts... tomorrow.
phew. i'm exhausted. it feels surreal to have completed such an enormous task, only to be thrown into another. i'm also kinda stressed, but still looking forward to teaching a new set of students. it'll be another interesting challenge.
"do you think your job is too stressful for you?" one of my friends asked me this today. i'm not exactly sure what drove her inquiry, but it gave me a moment of pause.
"no. not really."
"but you're always so busy and stressed out all the time," she protested.
"but i really enjoy what i do... and actually, it's not so much the job that creates the stress--i create my own extra busyness when i'm at work."
i'm a psycho perfectionist when it comes down to things that matter to me. thus, when i get invested in something, i will absolutely lose sleep over it. in fact, that's probably a good gauge for assessing how much anything matters to my person. if i'm not losing any sleep over it, it probably doesn't have much intrinsic value to me.
that's probably pretty bad for my health. i am in constant need of stimulation. i can see the effects of this on my body. i know i'm aging--probably more quickly than before. i've got handfuls of grays sprouting, and this makes me wonder if i should try to "relax" more. but, relaxing seems boring to me.
well, tomorrow's a new thing. a month of crazy lesson planning and meeting people and trying to get my life/head together. following that, i'll have a week off, then i'll work a summer camp, have another week off and then, the Fall semester begins. 16 weeks later, i'll have 10 weeks to "relax". i think i'll be going back to Indonesia. or... Vietnam and Malaysia. or all three... i've gotta start thinking on that.
i just finished my Spring semester on Thursday, but i had to prep for summer school which starts... tomorrow.
phew. i'm exhausted. it feels surreal to have completed such an enormous task, only to be thrown into another. i'm also kinda stressed, but still looking forward to teaching a new set of students. it'll be another interesting challenge.
"do you think your job is too stressful for you?" one of my friends asked me this today. i'm not exactly sure what drove her inquiry, but it gave me a moment of pause.
"no. not really."
"but you're always so busy and stressed out all the time," she protested.
"but i really enjoy what i do... and actually, it's not so much the job that creates the stress--i create my own extra busyness when i'm at work."
i'm a psycho perfectionist when it comes down to things that matter to me. thus, when i get invested in something, i will absolutely lose sleep over it. in fact, that's probably a good gauge for assessing how much anything matters to my person. if i'm not losing any sleep over it, it probably doesn't have much intrinsic value to me.
that's probably pretty bad for my health. i am in constant need of stimulation. i can see the effects of this on my body. i know i'm aging--probably more quickly than before. i've got handfuls of grays sprouting, and this makes me wonder if i should try to "relax" more. but, relaxing seems boring to me.
well, tomorrow's a new thing. a month of crazy lesson planning and meeting people and trying to get my life/head together. following that, i'll have a week off, then i'll work a summer camp, have another week off and then, the Fall semester begins. 16 weeks later, i'll have 10 weeks to "relax". i think i'll be going back to Indonesia. or... Vietnam and Malaysia. or all three... i've gotta start thinking on that.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
transition
on hands and knees. dragging. crawling.
exhausted. sleeping. still exhausted.
days running into days that become weeksmonthsyears
it's Thursday again. right? or is it Saturday?
is it morning? again?
habitually tired.
one foot always follows the other.
stumbling forward again.
and again and again.
today, in the darkness behind my closed eyelids, i wondered: could those words have been for me?
my stomach is in knots and my heart is still twisting. i don't know if i'm depressed, because i'm not sure how i feel. the best adjective that comes to mind is: blurry. i feel blurry.
if those words were for me. i'm terrified. and exhausted. and veryvery unsure.
earlier today, my friend got really serious and asked me if i had yet been back to the doctor. it was an odd moment because my health has not been on the forefront of my mind. the concern in her voice flipped me back to the gravity of the situation. my situation. i suppose her reality and mine congeal over this issue. (i have been back, and have had some minor freak-out moments, but there's no news. and it's too soon to know anything anyway.)
should i be more concerned? maybe. but, i am the ultimate bi-polar pessimistic/optimistic pragmatist. death has no hold on me. maybe i can say this so flippantly while i daily run 6k and go dancing until the morning and try to travel all over, but i'm really not afraid to die.
the idea of death actually feels relieving in a morbid way. no more responsibilities and pain or guilt. well, maybe there are responsibilities in heaven, but i'll be with God, all the time, in the most limitless way. i won't be a slave to all of these complications i choose and don't choose while i reside on this planet.
don't get me wrong. i don't actually want to die. i've just accepted that i will someday and i don't have much control/influence over that. although, i really should quit smoking. i'm fucking up my chances for flushing the dirty out of my blood because i keep on smoking. i don't know. i'm taking my health for granted right now because i don't necessarily feel anything. i imagine many people in my situation feel the same. worrying does nothing but create an additional burden. i can't carry any more right now.
anyway, my knees feel a little shaky. today, while my eyes were closed, i heard a voice, and it said... something... and i was terrified that those words were for me. i hope they were and i hope they weren't. i know i'm being circumspect, but this isn't new. i haven't even fully processed the significance of what those words could mean.
hello insomnia. or troubled dreams. or change.
exhausted. sleeping. still exhausted.
days running into days that become weeksmonthsyears
it's Thursday again. right? or is it Saturday?
is it morning? again?
habitually tired.
one foot always follows the other.
stumbling forward again.
and again and again.
today, in the darkness behind my closed eyelids, i wondered: could those words have been for me?
my stomach is in knots and my heart is still twisting. i don't know if i'm depressed, because i'm not sure how i feel. the best adjective that comes to mind is: blurry. i feel blurry.
if those words were for me. i'm terrified. and exhausted. and veryvery unsure.
earlier today, my friend got really serious and asked me if i had yet been back to the doctor. it was an odd moment because my health has not been on the forefront of my mind. the concern in her voice flipped me back to the gravity of the situation. my situation. i suppose her reality and mine congeal over this issue. (i have been back, and have had some minor freak-out moments, but there's no news. and it's too soon to know anything anyway.)
should i be more concerned? maybe. but, i am the ultimate bi-polar pessimistic/optimistic pragmatist. death has no hold on me. maybe i can say this so flippantly while i daily run 6k and go dancing until the morning and try to travel all over, but i'm really not afraid to die.
the idea of death actually feels relieving in a morbid way. no more responsibilities and pain or guilt. well, maybe there are responsibilities in heaven, but i'll be with God, all the time, in the most limitless way. i won't be a slave to all of these complications i choose and don't choose while i reside on this planet.
don't get me wrong. i don't actually want to die. i've just accepted that i will someday and i don't have much control/influence over that. although, i really should quit smoking. i'm fucking up my chances for flushing the dirty out of my blood because i keep on smoking. i don't know. i'm taking my health for granted right now because i don't necessarily feel anything. i imagine many people in my situation feel the same. worrying does nothing but create an additional burden. i can't carry any more right now.
anyway, my knees feel a little shaky. today, while my eyes were closed, i heard a voice, and it said... something... and i was terrified that those words were for me. i hope they were and i hope they weren't. i know i'm being circumspect, but this isn't new. i haven't even fully processed the significance of what those words could mean.
hello insomnia. or troubled dreams. or change.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
good morning
hit snooze twice,
rolled outta bed,
thought begrudgingly about the 120 speaking tests to administer while brushing teeth,
drinking coffee, and brushing cobwebs outta my brain.
then, opened the door and
*breeze*
that perfectly cool morning breeze that smells exactly like Spring.
there is always something good. my finals begin today. i really hope they don't kill me, because life is good.
even when it sucks it is so good.
rolled outta bed,
thought begrudgingly about the 120 speaking tests to administer while brushing teeth,
drinking coffee, and brushing cobwebs outta my brain.
then, opened the door and
*breeze*
that perfectly cool morning breeze that smells exactly like Spring.
there is always something good. my finals begin today. i really hope they don't kill me, because life is good.
even when it sucks it is so good.
Monday, June 6, 2011
feel that yummy burn
i've felt a little forlorn for the past few days--and i have the dumbest thing that triggered it: i was at the no-rae-bang and my friend sang a song about losing innocence. it wasn't a sad song/anything--in fact, it was upbeat and playful, but the song spun me out a little bit.
i wonder how different my life would be if i had just NOT...
sure, the sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll have shaped a big part of who i am. and my lifelong immersion into those experiences have granted me perspectives outside of the (UGH) church. but, i have long-since admitted that *maybe* it would have been better if i just didn't have certain bits of information. i have the tendency to become an utter slave to my lusts/wants/desires--and hell--this is not a good thing. obviously.
i lose sight of all else and just WANT. i'm so greedy. and i'm fairly resourceful. i can usually satiate those starved beasts that i've made my best friends.
i hate burning. you know--that consuming burn for those special, delicious vices that just aren't good for you. i hate having to consciously make the choice not to engage. ugh. it's there right in front of me. inviting me with those bedroom eyes.
and then comes the typical rationalization: i'll i say 'yes' this time and 'no' next time.
damnit. i'm just a fucking human. animal.
i wonder how different my life would be if i had just NOT...
sure, the sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll have shaped a big part of who i am. and my lifelong immersion into those experiences have granted me perspectives outside of the (UGH) church. but, i have long-since admitted that *maybe* it would have been better if i just didn't have certain bits of information. i have the tendency to become an utter slave to my lusts/wants/desires--and hell--this is not a good thing. obviously.
i lose sight of all else and just WANT. i'm so greedy. and i'm fairly resourceful. i can usually satiate those starved beasts that i've made my best friends.
i hate burning. you know--that consuming burn for those special, delicious vices that just aren't good for you. i hate having to consciously make the choice not to engage. ugh. it's there right in front of me. inviting me with those bedroom eyes.
and then comes the typical rationalization: i'll i say 'yes' this time and 'no' next time.
damnit. i'm just a fucking human. animal.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
a better mood
it's 4:30am, but i'm in a good mood and wanted to record it.
although, i am finding it slightly disconcerting that there is a direct correlation between the elevation of my mood and the number of hours i spend salsa dancing.
at the beginning of the night, i was exhausted. i just wasn't having it. i was tired, cranky, and felt extremely reticent. i think accidentally kinda went on a 'date' with a random guy and i felt annoyed by that. and i think he just friended me on FB. SIGH. i know how bitchy that sounds, but, i just don't want unnecessary people getting into my social/emotional space these days.
anyway, when i got to the club, the friends i salsa with gave me a big shake and bowled me over with questions about where i've been for the past 3 weeks. i threw out some vague answers about busyness and expected to go home early. however, come midnight, i remembered that Friday is Ladies Night at Caliente--it only made sense to drop by. and i'm super glad i did. i danced. and danced and danced and danced. one of the friends i've salsa-ed with since the beginning kept commenting his surprise that i was being so vigorous on the dance floor.
"i'm surprised you're dancing to this regatone."
"why?"
"well, it's kinda like hip hop--and you said you don't like hip hop."
"well, the misogyny bugs me--you know that. but, i've just gotta be in the right mood. when i'm just feeling the music and not listening to lyrics, i don't stop dancing for any reason."
he gave me a hug, "and you shouldn't ever stop dancing."
"aw. and neither should you.... let's stop this--feels a little too emo."
"hey, i'm a sensitive guy."
this made me smile.
i've been feeling kinda bad about myself these days, but, tonight reminded me that my feelings about myself is a state of mind i choose. i'm certainly aware that i'm not the prettiest. or the sexiest. and i realize that i come off like a snob sometimes.
i know i've said this before: but i guess, when i'm dancing, i look like i'm super fun and approachable--and random people are attracted to me--(both men and women). it's pleasant that people notice this, and it's a great, low commitment way to meet people.
i met this fun Finnish girl who's traveling the world right now. she's super sweet and i figure i'll hang with her a few more times during her sojourn in Seoul.
there was this African American guy who was a great dancer, but he was coming on really strong. he asked those typical things like if i had a boyfriend and blah blah, but he totally respected that i didn't want to take his number.
these two Korean ladies i met in my salsa class were also at the club and they were really excited to see me for some reason. they seem like they might be a little older, and all-out-dancing until dawn doesn't seem like par for the course for them. anyway, we had a ton of fun shaking our bodies to the music and i figure they'll be people i end up calling up to hit the dance floor in the future.
and finally, there was this Korean guy i danced a bunch of the merengue, bachata, and salsa numbers with. we closed out the club together, ate some noodles in a tent on the street, and then he drove me home. in his really nice BMW. and then tried to kiss me. ugh.
the attention was gratifying and hell, i miss having someone touching my skin, but i can't handle those kind of complications right now.
all of these male encounters today were a little much--but, at least all of them were sober when they hit on me. it seems like it's been a while since a sober guy hit on me.
all in all, seeing my friends and the hours of dancing elevated my mood. the night feels like a success.
although, i am finding it slightly disconcerting that there is a direct correlation between the elevation of my mood and the number of hours i spend salsa dancing.
at the beginning of the night, i was exhausted. i just wasn't having it. i was tired, cranky, and felt extremely reticent. i think accidentally kinda went on a 'date' with a random guy and i felt annoyed by that. and i think he just friended me on FB. SIGH. i know how bitchy that sounds, but, i just don't want unnecessary people getting into my social/emotional space these days.
anyway, when i got to the club, the friends i salsa with gave me a big shake and bowled me over with questions about where i've been for the past 3 weeks. i threw out some vague answers about busyness and expected to go home early. however, come midnight, i remembered that Friday is Ladies Night at Caliente--it only made sense to drop by. and i'm super glad i did. i danced. and danced and danced and danced. one of the friends i've salsa-ed with since the beginning kept commenting his surprise that i was being so vigorous on the dance floor.
"i'm surprised you're dancing to this regatone."
"why?"
"well, it's kinda like hip hop--and you said you don't like hip hop."
"well, the misogyny bugs me--you know that. but, i've just gotta be in the right mood. when i'm just feeling the music and not listening to lyrics, i don't stop dancing for any reason."
he gave me a hug, "and you shouldn't ever stop dancing."
"aw. and neither should you.... let's stop this--feels a little too emo."
"hey, i'm a sensitive guy."
this made me smile.
i've been feeling kinda bad about myself these days, but, tonight reminded me that my feelings about myself is a state of mind i choose. i'm certainly aware that i'm not the prettiest. or the sexiest. and i realize that i come off like a snob sometimes.
i know i've said this before: but i guess, when i'm dancing, i look like i'm super fun and approachable--and random people are attracted to me--(both men and women). it's pleasant that people notice this, and it's a great, low commitment way to meet people.
i met this fun Finnish girl who's traveling the world right now. she's super sweet and i figure i'll hang with her a few more times during her sojourn in Seoul.
there was this African American guy who was a great dancer, but he was coming on really strong. he asked those typical things like if i had a boyfriend and blah blah, but he totally respected that i didn't want to take his number.
these two Korean ladies i met in my salsa class were also at the club and they were really excited to see me for some reason. they seem like they might be a little older, and all-out-dancing until dawn doesn't seem like par for the course for them. anyway, we had a ton of fun shaking our bodies to the music and i figure they'll be people i end up calling up to hit the dance floor in the future.
and finally, there was this Korean guy i danced a bunch of the merengue, bachata, and salsa numbers with. we closed out the club together, ate some noodles in a tent on the street, and then he drove me home. in his really nice BMW. and then tried to kiss me. ugh.
the attention was gratifying and hell, i miss having someone touching my skin, but i can't handle those kind of complications right now.
all of these male encounters today were a little much--but, at least all of them were sober when they hit on me. it seems like it's been a while since a sober guy hit on me.
all in all, seeing my friends and the hours of dancing elevated my mood. the night feels like a success.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Journal: 5.31.11
God. i'm pretty bi-polar. i just spent the past 10 minutes glancing at my entries since the beginning of the year of 2011, and wow--i sound completely psycho. i suppose i only blog when i'm super full of those boring feelings--happySADguiltyOVERLYoverly... but maybe i should balance this space with some of the more normal things that fall outside of my impending emotional apocalypse.
there isn't a whole lot to say, except that i feel down these days. i have come to realize how much i need my alone time.
my brother was here for almost 3 weeks--and though i love my baby brother, he drove me up every goddamn wall in my apartment. it's a terrible thing--the regressive patterns we fall into while we're with our family. you think you've moved past all of that reactionary childishness, but then you realize that noooo--that button is still, very much in existence and it will always be pressable by those close people you love to/hate to/have to love.
but, then the time for them to go draws near, and there are all kind of emotions and regrets you might have about time not spent as well as it should've or 'maybe we should've taken that road trip' or 'damnit. i wish we hadn't fought about' et cetera. i've been thinking about how we're not getting any younger--in fact, every time i now see any of my dear friends and family, there are more wrinkles and grays and less innocence.
[this is how it appears it will go, from here forward, huh? even my parents have said/admitted things to me that have blown my hair back. hearing certain revelations have made me gasp, but then resignedly shake my head. nothing is *really* very surprising anymore. we are all frail and imperfect and falling apart, no?]
anyway, my brother's departure caused me both relief and melancholia. his presence was a warm, comfortable old blanket fort--awesome, but eventually hard to breathe in because there isn't adequate ventilation. not having personal time for nearly a month really threw me off-kilter, and then the social obligations i had back-burnered suddenly started caught fire.
everyone around me has been demanding and demanding something. i've been feeling like a bad person because either: i just won't. or when i do, my half-hearted enthusiasm gets noticed and i get strange advice about how sun-lamps can help with moodiness. i've begun to wonder if my only value is being the life of the party or the road trip or the fucking cafe we're sipping our chai lattes in.
my reticence apparently concerns people. on one hand: it's nice to be thought of.
but on the other hand: do i always have to be interesting? or provocative? or have a funny anecdote to share?
i feel like i've i've had PMS for the past 2 months. today, i had a late lunch with a close friend i haven't seen in a while. (as i reflect on that conversation now, it's occurring to me that i've gotta toss a monkey wrench into this.) though we both had things to vent about, i am ashamed to say that i complained a LOT about some of the friends i spend a lot of time with. though i know that some of my plaints are justified, i have to stop and shake my head. what the hell is my problem?
last year, when i was feeling like this, i packed my backpack, went to the bus station, and took the first bus out of Seoul. i think taking another retreat'll do me some good. i need some distance and space and sun. i need to sit for hours on a bus and read a book. maybe this weekend.
there isn't a whole lot to say, except that i feel down these days. i have come to realize how much i need my alone time.
my brother was here for almost 3 weeks--and though i love my baby brother, he drove me up every goddamn wall in my apartment. it's a terrible thing--the regressive patterns we fall into while we're with our family. you think you've moved past all of that reactionary childishness, but then you realize that noooo--that button is still, very much in existence and it will always be pressable by those close people you love to/hate to/have to love.
but, then the time for them to go draws near, and there are all kind of emotions and regrets you might have about time not spent as well as it should've or 'maybe we should've taken that road trip' or 'damnit. i wish we hadn't fought about' et cetera. i've been thinking about how we're not getting any younger--in fact, every time i now see any of my dear friends and family, there are more wrinkles and grays and less innocence.
[this is how it appears it will go, from here forward, huh? even my parents have said/admitted things to me that have blown my hair back. hearing certain revelations have made me gasp, but then resignedly shake my head. nothing is *really* very surprising anymore. we are all frail and imperfect and falling apart, no?]
anyway, my brother's departure caused me both relief and melancholia. his presence was a warm, comfortable old blanket fort--awesome, but eventually hard to breathe in because there isn't adequate ventilation. not having personal time for nearly a month really threw me off-kilter, and then the social obligations i had back-burnered suddenly started caught fire.
everyone around me has been demanding and demanding something. i've been feeling like a bad person because either: i just won't. or when i do, my half-hearted enthusiasm gets noticed and i get strange advice about how sun-lamps can help with moodiness. i've begun to wonder if my only value is being the life of the party or the road trip or the fucking cafe we're sipping our chai lattes in.
my reticence apparently concerns people. on one hand: it's nice to be thought of.
but on the other hand: do i always have to be interesting? or provocative? or have a funny anecdote to share?
i feel like i've i've had PMS for the past 2 months. today, i had a late lunch with a close friend i haven't seen in a while. (as i reflect on that conversation now, it's occurring to me that i've gotta toss a monkey wrench into this.) though we both had things to vent about, i am ashamed to say that i complained a LOT about some of the friends i spend a lot of time with. though i know that some of my plaints are justified, i have to stop and shake my head. what the hell is my problem?
last year, when i was feeling like this, i packed my backpack, went to the bus station, and took the first bus out of Seoul. i think taking another retreat'll do me some good. i need some distance and space and sun. i need to sit for hours on a bus and read a book. maybe this weekend.
Monday, May 23, 2011
May storm
i'll do anything to avoid dealing with myself.
today, i had an extensive conversation with God, which really moved my soul back into Reality.
but, i came home and watched a bunch of TV as a way to get my mind away from the painful arenas that have been causing me guilt and sadness. i know i'm not the worst person in the world, but i feel pretty terrible and pathetic at times. i look at the past 32 years of my life and it looks ridiculous. i have been through so many spiritual ups and downs and recidivism is the norm for me. my prevailing worry is that i cannot make another choice.
today, i sat in the pews feeling distant from God and detached from myself. i could patently see all of the broken promises and the lies that have ruled my life. i didn't expect anything to happen.
i know what i'm supposed to "know", but really living in *that* reality takes some discipline. this means that i can't always choose the path of least resistance. i can't always give into my urges. and i need to make healthier choices. unfortunately, the healthy choice is very often a difficult one to make. plus, this requires maturity and premeditation.
but, as i sat there in the overly charismatic service (for my taste), my icicle heart began to melt. i realized: i am making it too complicated. i just need to trust. and love.
i had to resist the emotionality of the experience. i blocked out the swelling music and the people praying around me. i just closed my eyes and bit my lip. Lord, i'm listening. and, i'm sorry for forgetting every single time.
you are not the culmination of your mistakes.
since i've moved out of the US, every Spring, i end up in a bad place. i've got some awful anniversary dates that come up and then i'm usually pretty fucked until the Fall. my vigor is usually renewed around that time, but then the holidays bring me back down. come January, i fall apart, but am refreshed when i travel.
this means i spent about a 1/3 of the year in depression, anxiety, and guilt.
i want to make a different choice this year. i want to hit the reset button earlier. i want to end my vicious repeat of self-destruction. i need quit making increasingly horrific mistakes.
this is the storm raging inside of me.
today, i had an extensive conversation with God, which really moved my soul back into Reality.
but, i came home and watched a bunch of TV as a way to get my mind away from the painful arenas that have been causing me guilt and sadness. i know i'm not the worst person in the world, but i feel pretty terrible and pathetic at times. i look at the past 32 years of my life and it looks ridiculous. i have been through so many spiritual ups and downs and recidivism is the norm for me. my prevailing worry is that i cannot make another choice.
today, i sat in the pews feeling distant from God and detached from myself. i could patently see all of the broken promises and the lies that have ruled my life. i didn't expect anything to happen.
i know what i'm supposed to "know", but really living in *that* reality takes some discipline. this means that i can't always choose the path of least resistance. i can't always give into my urges. and i need to make healthier choices. unfortunately, the healthy choice is very often a difficult one to make. plus, this requires maturity and premeditation.
but, as i sat there in the overly charismatic service (for my taste), my icicle heart began to melt. i realized: i am making it too complicated. i just need to trust. and love.
i had to resist the emotionality of the experience. i blocked out the swelling music and the people praying around me. i just closed my eyes and bit my lip. Lord, i'm listening. and, i'm sorry for forgetting every single time.
you are not the culmination of your mistakes.
your past does not determine your future.
you are of unsurpassable worth.
you are loved.
none of this is new. and i didn't have a sudden rush of the warm-fuzzies. however, i felt like i could, once again, understand these truths.
this means i spent about a 1/3 of the year in depression, anxiety, and guilt.
i want to make a different choice this year. i want to hit the reset button earlier. i want to end my vicious repeat of self-destruction. i need quit making increasingly horrific mistakes.
this is the storm raging inside of me.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
i am guilty
i feel messed up these days.
i've fallen from grace, i suppose. it's a slick slope, once you start slipping.
it's an angry, vicious, exhausting cycle. and i don't know how to break free. well, actually--i do know. but when you live inside a certain cardboard box for so long, it's hard to consider climbing out of it.
i feel so happy sometimes. i get such joy in developing who i am. i've discovered that i'm really into being active. i love that i've learned how to salsa dance, surf, and snowboard. i've become a good hiker, traveled to about 10 countries in the past 2 years, met some amazing people, and have seen and done some incredible things i never would've imagined was possible 3 years ago.
but, i get so swept up and then lost when i get excited about things. and then i end up making bad decisions and hurting myself and others. i feel LOST these days. and i feel kind of helpless inside these directionless, hyperactive wanderings.
i mentioned making a huge mistake that i felt bad about, but then justified.
but tonight, as i reflect on the nature of my fucked up decision, the guilt of it is overwhelming me. sigh. i'm a dirty, terrible person.
i've fallen from grace, i suppose. it's a slick slope, once you start slipping.
it's an angry, vicious, exhausting cycle. and i don't know how to break free. well, actually--i do know. but when you live inside a certain cardboard box for so long, it's hard to consider climbing out of it.
i feel so happy sometimes. i get such joy in developing who i am. i've discovered that i'm really into being active. i love that i've learned how to salsa dance, surf, and snowboard. i've become a good hiker, traveled to about 10 countries in the past 2 years, met some amazing people, and have seen and done some incredible things i never would've imagined was possible 3 years ago.
but, i get so swept up and then lost when i get excited about things. and then i end up making bad decisions and hurting myself and others. i feel LOST these days. and i feel kind of helpless inside these directionless, hyperactive wanderings.
i mentioned making a huge mistake that i felt bad about, but then justified.
but tonight, as i reflect on the nature of my fucked up decision, the guilt of it is overwhelming me. sigh. i'm a dirty, terrible person.
Friday, April 15, 2011
away from the dark and into the night
alright. i feel pretty unstable, but i've leveled out some.
yes. i am a totally fucked up human being. i have made unspeakable mistakes that have not only hurt myself, but have also hurt others. it's horrible to think of what i am--that i can no longer say: "i've never..."
in some ways i wonder if these crazy life paths that i've ended up on have the greater design of forcing me to let go of any possible judgmentalism. everyone has a story. everyone who commits any kind of "anything" has done it because they were coming from *some*place. this is NO justification for doing wrong--but, i'm chagrined to admit that i've looked down upon people who've done "this" and "that".
how could they...?! i've asked/exclaimed. and now... i understand. i have been understanding.
how could they...?! i've asked/exclaimed. and now... i understand. i have been understanding.
will/should i beat myself up for my sins? well, i have been--but, it's really a waste of time. i can't make different choices. time cannot be reversed.
i know that this is in no way a new concept, but hell--the inexorable movement forward is a reality that we tend to face when we're at our ends. the extremely amazing and extremely terrible things that happen--to us and because of us.
i can only try to rectify the damage i've caused to myself and others, and pray for forgiveness. and NEVER EVER do "that" again.
i know that this is in no way a new concept, but hell--the inexorable movement forward is a reality that we tend to face when we're at our ends. the extremely amazing and extremely terrible things that happen--to us and because of us.
i can only try to rectify the damage i've caused to myself and others, and pray for forgiveness. and NEVER EVER do "that" again.
this all being said: i feel incredibly fortunate right now for Life. rhythm and sweaty-all-night-dancing is keeping me sane. it's oh-so-good that i can learn something new, get good at it, and revel and enjoy how amazing it makes me feel.
so, current life assessment: i have dancing. and Jesus. and i'm just starting my weekend.
i am really fucking fortunate.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
versus
so, i know where the paths lead me, but hell... i'm feeling a little self-destructive now.
i did this last year as well. i made a mistake and then dove into the dirt of the rabbit hole.
and reveled in the pathetic-dark-oozing pleasures of selfish gratification.
this is because i felt like: i've completely fucked up. i might as well dance out these morbid-beautiful patterns and satiate my desires. then try something different after the waaaay-after the fallout has settled.
i'm conflicted. the dam has burst, and sealing up the hole and cleaning up the hill of devastation seems too painful and humiliating and exhausting to consider. so do i begin sliding down this slope? that easy, slick, quick, exciting fairy-tale fall downdowndowndown....
down?
knowing me. probably not. but, i'm beginning to get to that place.
where i forget who
me is.
i did this last year as well. i made a mistake and then dove into the dirt of the rabbit hole.
and reveled in the pathetic-dark-oozing pleasures of selfish gratification.
this is because i felt like: i've completely fucked up. i might as well dance out these morbid-beautiful patterns and satiate my desires. then try something different after the waaaay-after the fallout has settled.
i'm conflicted. the dam has burst, and sealing up the hole and cleaning up the hill of devastation seems too painful and humiliating and exhausting to consider. so do i begin sliding down this slope? that easy, slick, quick, exciting fairy-tale fall downdowndowndown....
down?
knowing me. probably not. but, i'm beginning to get to that place.
where i forget who
me is.
Monday, April 11, 2011
a vague map
lost.
how quickly and how suddenly that can happen. and how scary and disorienting this is.
i've spent another week at the office working my arse off, and then another weekend dancing into the early morning hours. while the sun hits the horizon, i make that exhausted trudge up to the top of Veggie Hill. my current place of Seoul residence.
this morning, after i was awoken by a friend's phone call in the near afternoon, i felt dizzy and confused. slowly rising and moving around my apartment... i found dishes piled in the sink and bits of detritus all over the floor--i haven't swept it in a few weeks. the garbage cans were overflowing. my shoes were in a haphazard pile of disarray at the front door. my clothes from Thursday and Friday nights were crumpled into a sweat-stiffened pile at the foot of my bed.
i felt unbalanced.
i should've noticed this happening, but i always notice too late.
whenever my place gets to this point of chaos, *something* is off. i let too much happen in certain arenas and then i end up neglecting others. and then i fuck something up. and i literally get *sick* because i'm physically spent.
if i could just catch myself...
if i could just notice that i need a day off and be realistic about my limitations.
if i just decided to stay in and reorganize/reevaluate, REFLECT, and take care of myself--i wouldn't be forced to by my bad decisions.
Spring fever did me in last year as well--and i ended up being pretty messed up by the heart of the summer, and then thru the end of the Fall. come Winter, i shut myself away from people for about 2 months until i went to Indonesia and got recharged. i don't want to do that again. i don't want to live in this vicious spin of super highs/lows.
so here it is. a cross-roads. and this time i have a vague sense of what the map looks like.
now for the hard part.
how quickly and how suddenly that can happen. and how scary and disorienting this is.
i've spent another week at the office working my arse off, and then another weekend dancing into the early morning hours. while the sun hits the horizon, i make that exhausted trudge up to the top of Veggie Hill. my current place of Seoul residence.
this morning, after i was awoken by a friend's phone call in the near afternoon, i felt dizzy and confused. slowly rising and moving around my apartment... i found dishes piled in the sink and bits of detritus all over the floor--i haven't swept it in a few weeks. the garbage cans were overflowing. my shoes were in a haphazard pile of disarray at the front door. my clothes from Thursday and Friday nights were crumpled into a sweat-stiffened pile at the foot of my bed.
i felt unbalanced.
i should've noticed this happening, but i always notice too late.
whenever my place gets to this point of chaos, *something* is off. i let too much happen in certain arenas and then i end up neglecting others. and then i fuck something up. and i literally get *sick* because i'm physically spent.
if i could just catch myself...
if i could just notice that i need a day off and be realistic about my limitations.
if i just decided to stay in and reorganize/reevaluate, REFLECT, and take care of myself--i wouldn't be forced to by my bad decisions.
Spring fever did me in last year as well--and i ended up being pretty messed up by the heart of the summer, and then thru the end of the Fall. come Winter, i shut myself away from people for about 2 months until i went to Indonesia and got recharged. i don't want to do that again. i don't want to live in this vicious spin of super highs/lows.
so here it is. a cross-roads. and this time i have a vague sense of what the map looks like.
now for the hard part.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
flawed.
holy shit.
i am a flawed human being.
it's crazy. the longer you live, the more likely you are to commit that action that you swore you'd never do. at least that seems true to me. i can't believe myself.
it's always this crazy cycle: i'm doing ok. better than ok. and what is Real is clear. and doing what is Right is easy. and happiness ensues. as does hyper-dom. and then i stop paying attention. i get pulled into the blurry land of compromise--which isn't so bad at first. but then, i make a wildly inappropriate mistake. FREAKS ME OUT. and then i feel lost.
i feel lost again right now.
i know i'll be ok eventually--this is life. there are very few irrevocable mistakes... but... i've been trying not to think about my sins, 36 hours prior to this moment, but damnit. it's a pretty big mistake.
this is something that i feel like i must take with me to my grave. no more details on this for now, except that i am a fucked up, selfish person.
i am a flawed human being.
it's crazy. the longer you live, the more likely you are to commit that action that you swore you'd never do. at least that seems true to me. i can't believe myself.
it's always this crazy cycle: i'm doing ok. better than ok. and what is Real is clear. and doing what is Right is easy. and happiness ensues. as does hyper-dom. and then i stop paying attention. i get pulled into the blurry land of compromise--which isn't so bad at first. but then, i make a wildly inappropriate mistake. FREAKS ME OUT. and then i feel lost.
i feel lost again right now.
i know i'll be ok eventually--this is life. there are very few irrevocable mistakes... but... i've been trying not to think about my sins, 36 hours prior to this moment, but damnit. it's a pretty big mistake.
this is something that i feel like i must take with me to my grave. no more details on this for now, except that i am a fucked up, selfish person.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
photos from Bali
this video doesn't have any kind of continuity b/c i didn't have time--but, i realized how close i was to finishing it when i got home yesterday and decided it was time to just put it out there. there were too many awesome things that happened during my time on this island to be explicated in a blog post--but here are some pictures that tell some kind of story.
anyway, it was amazing.
Bali photos
anyway, it was amazing.
Bali photos
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
the hours in a day
if not at 11:41pm on the eve of yet another FULL day of teaching, then when?
it's been an incredibly long time since i've last written anything here. well, it might not actually be, but it certainly feels that way. i've been teaching university students and i ABSOLUTELY loveLOVElove it.
and i'm completely consumed by it.
and i'm utterly wasted, dead tired almost all the time.
time moves too fast on this job. though i'm only teaching 16 hours (Monday thru Thursdays), i easily spend 40 hours at the office. this is not to mention the homework i grade when i get home and the lesson planning i do on the weekends. there is always *something* to do. somethingsomethinganythingeverything--and i can't seem to turn off my brain until at least 3am.
four to five hours later, i resentfully hit my alarm clock and chase down the tasks that seem to race just a little ahead of me. i can barely catch sight of those tasks by 11pm--and THEN, my Type A personality makes me ponder the wisdom of just pushing forward through those last 120 quizzes to pass/fail so i don't have to grade them--*sometime later*. like while i'm sitting next to that sleeping ahjusshi on the subway tomorrow morning. or on the slightly greasy table of the ddukboki place in my neighborhood while eating a late dinner.
i'm hit by intermittent waves of dizzy-weary sometimes-satisfaction.
why the hell would i enjoy this?
i love seeing that suddenly light go off in his/her eyes when i explain something in a way that makes sense. this seems to happen at least once in a class. it's really pretty great.
but, you need the perfect storm of factors to all coalesce to make that moment happen: fairly bright students. a relatively calm classroom where most students are attending to you. an interesting explanation/example/conceptual explication of *some* point. some investment. the right blend of humor, charm, personality, and intimidation--and then *bing*. those two girls in the fourth row get it. and so does that row of guys sitting behind them--[or are they just pretending to get it because those two girls are wearing ultra short skirts?]
i also love that i'm *doing* something. that the students give a damn--if solely for the dangling carrot that is an A or A+.
i relish that fact that i feel exhausted after a day of working. i feel exhausted because something is getting accomplished.
HOWEVER, time is a slippery, mossy rope--and i worry that i'm letting it all pass too quickly. it's already the end of March--which is a quarter through the year. how did that happen? there were so many things i wanted to do this year.
well, i'm doing some of them. i did quit smoking. i'm taking a salsa class (i'm going to get good by summer!). i'm only spending time with people i reallyREALLY like and care about.
i've gotta get back on the writing.
and the ukulele playing.
and the sleeping.
it's been an incredibly long time since i've last written anything here. well, it might not actually be, but it certainly feels that way. i've been teaching university students and i ABSOLUTELY loveLOVElove it.
and i'm completely consumed by it.
and i'm utterly wasted, dead tired almost all the time.
time moves too fast on this job. though i'm only teaching 16 hours (Monday thru Thursdays), i easily spend 40 hours at the office. this is not to mention the homework i grade when i get home and the lesson planning i do on the weekends. there is always *something* to do. somethingsomethinganythingeverything--and i can't seem to turn off my brain until at least 3am.
four to five hours later, i resentfully hit my alarm clock and chase down the tasks that seem to race just a little ahead of me. i can barely catch sight of those tasks by 11pm--and THEN, my Type A personality makes me ponder the wisdom of just pushing forward through those last 120 quizzes to pass/fail so i don't have to grade them--*sometime later*. like while i'm sitting next to that sleeping ahjusshi on the subway tomorrow morning. or on the slightly greasy table of the ddukboki place in my neighborhood while eating a late dinner.
i'm hit by intermittent waves of dizzy-weary sometimes-satisfaction.
why the hell would i enjoy this?
i love seeing that suddenly light go off in his/her eyes when i explain something in a way that makes sense. this seems to happen at least once in a class. it's really pretty great.
but, you need the perfect storm of factors to all coalesce to make that moment happen: fairly bright students. a relatively calm classroom where most students are attending to you. an interesting explanation/example/conceptual explication of *some* point. some investment. the right blend of humor, charm, personality, and intimidation--and then *bing*. those two girls in the fourth row get it. and so does that row of guys sitting behind them--[or are they just pretending to get it because those two girls are wearing ultra short skirts?]
i also love that i'm *doing* something. that the students give a damn--if solely for the dangling carrot that is an A or A+.
i relish that fact that i feel exhausted after a day of working. i feel exhausted because something is getting accomplished.
HOWEVER, time is a slippery, mossy rope--and i worry that i'm letting it all pass too quickly. it's already the end of March--which is a quarter through the year. how did that happen? there were so many things i wanted to do this year.
well, i'm doing some of them. i did quit smoking. i'm taking a salsa class (i'm going to get good by summer!). i'm only spending time with people i reallyREALLY like and care about.
i've gotta get back on the writing.
and the ukulele playing.
and the sleeping.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
9 weeks in
most of the time i feel calm and chilled out, but occasionally i am pummeled by waves of manic annoyance.
i want to rip my hair out. or bite through my cheek. or put my fist through a door.
yes. it's been a week and i've stayed smoke-free.
i know i've been gaining weight because my appetite is no longer being suppressed by nicotine. SIGH. i deserve this, i suppose. but, this is worth it. i'm so tired of being tired--physically, emotionally, spiritually--and quitting those fuckers is part of the cleansing process.
this is not to say that i've been a pristine saint, but this does mean that my determination for *another way* has been retained. these new shoes are no longer so new and the shine has been scuffed--but they are beginning to feel more comfortable as i'm wearing them in.
the Lord is my Shepherd, and hell, i do fucking WANT, but He's leading me by those quiet, still waters.
for once, there is some longevity in this season of restoration. i finally have some measure of peace.
i've been getting used to my new apartment, my new job, and this new perspective. i feel infinitely grateful for where i'm at.
i've been reading Psalms since the beginning of the year, and i've been seeing date markings in the margins. these pen scratches are from right before i came to Seoul in 2008. seeing those dates has made me smile; i can clearly remember my homeless crashing period on my friends' plush green couch and how uncertain and chaotic (though lovely) that time was. i remember my studious markings on that onion skin while curling up under a panoply of blankets.
this is nutty for me to consider, but, there it is: my 29 year old finger dipping into the soft, wet concrete of 2008. what a different person i was back then. what a completely different place in life. my expectations and sensibilities were completely unaware of this person that i would become. the places i would go to. the many lifetimes i would live while i began etching out a place for myself on this planet. or maybe i was finally letting myself be etched. i'm not sure.
it's not that i wasn't a person before i came to Seoul, but my development was undoubtedly stunted by the paths i chose to walk on when i was still a very young adult. i've looked at these past (nearly) 3 years since my separation from my ex, and it's incredible how much my direction has been altered.
again. i am infinitely grateful.
i am grateful that i am out of a relationship that made me passionless and exhausted. i am grateful for the many travel opportunities that i've had during my sojourn outside of the States. i am grateful for the chance to grow and develop in some profound ways (to me) and being able to see specific, positive changes. i am grateful that i'm finally beginning to taste and feel and hear and smell and touch Real things.
God is amazing. He truly is. since i began following Him in an authentic way, i haven't had any regrets. sure, there have been difficulties and mistakes and heartbreaks. there has been disease, poverty, and all manner of delicious pleasures that left me feeling empty. but the process of trusting and loving God has led me to a place where i can always find contentment. isn't that actually what the elusive "Fountain of Life" is? not-so-much the water that keeps you forever-happy and young; but, despite bruised and bleeding knuckles and a broken body, you can hoist yourself onto the Rock and actually find peace and rest.
i'm tired and it's only around 11pm. i've been unable to get my brain to stop working before 3-4am since Christmas Eve. i am ready to sleep at a decent hour. and also for this, i am grateful.
Friday, February 25, 2011
balancing those lemons
it is way too late on the eve of my first set of school meetings for my new job, but i am writing now because i cannot foresee the next time i'll get a chance to.
it's been a wild ride, these past 27 months in Korea
one of my closest friends from Chicago has come to Seoul 3 times since i've been living here--and of course, we have long discourses about *everything* whenever she's around. there are significant changes each time i get to discuss the important things with her. i know that she longs for us (me and other close friends who've moved here) to come back "home", but, with each of her visits, there is an increasing amount of permanence and stability in our Seoul
owning appliances was where i came from, and i had made a semi-promise to myself that i wouldn't go back to *that* place... however, this time, it just felt right to head into this direction. i actually made these choices.
i'm 32, going on 33 in December. it's a weird place to be. there are things i'm told i should be thinking about--like investing into my future: career, retirement, romantic relationship, and what-have-you. but all i can think about is investing in my personal growth and my relationship with God. no doubt, there is a twinge of loneliness when i think about the fact that i don't have a warm body to sleep next to, or someone who thinks *of* me all the time...
as it is, i wonder how many days i would have to go missing before anyone would notice--and then how many days without me before people would actually become concerned. i'd say... a week and a half?
it's funny, because the person i'm probably in the most consistent contact with is my younger brother--and he's all the way on the other side of the world in Washington, D.C. in the past week since i've been moving into this apartment, i didn't have a Net connection and was too busy/tired to go find one at a cafe during all the packing and unpacking and rearranging. blah.
there were 2 people who sent me inquiries because they know how well-connected i usually am to the Net and were confused because they hadn't seen me. it warmed me to be thought of--that my absence left an idiosyncratic gap in their lives that only my *person* could fill. this love from my loved ones and my Lord feels like it's completely enough, for now.
let me examine this romance thing, yet again.
why the hell can't people believe that i actually like to being single?
i've spoken of singlehood often in the past 27 months, and i've had my waves of dis/comfort with this status.
however, for the past 3-4 months, i've felt steadfast in my joy as a single woman.
my mind gets all jumbled/confused and my volatility becomes even more intense when i'm dating or putting myself on the market. plus, i become a nympho when i'm actually getting sex, and that isn't a healthy place for me to be. i realize that i can't pull back (physically, emotionally, and spiritually) once i've gotten to a certain point, and i really can't afford to waste myself on just anyone anymore. sooo, because it seems fairly unlikely i'll find someone to fit my unrealistic list of 'must-bes', i just want to hold onto my satisfaction with my life as it is.
additionally, i know i'm a mess. i've got some serious existential and emotional problems to work through. i can't imagine bringing someone into that insanity. i've been able to bat down the typical desires that come along with being a relationship and my libido has finally responded to all of the cold showers. i just need to work on *myself* right now.
i bring this up because while i was traveling, i had propositions from 4 different men who were interested in me--it was pretty flattering. 3 of them understood what i was getting at when i started talking about being divorced and not wanting to be involved with anyone. the 4th, however, just sent me another strange email that alluded to some kind of future for us. DAMNIT. that really kind of ticked me off. how many times does a woman have to say 'i just want to be friends' before she has to cut him off? i don't want to hurt his feelings, but HELL.
is it impossible for a woman and a man to have a deep, platonic friendship? of the 4 men, i really connected with 3 of the 4 of them. however, when i started sensing that they were beginning 'think' something, i put up a detour and things cooled down quickly--even on the platonic level.
however, this last guy... i wonder if i'm being unrealistic to think that we might be able to be friends. in response to his email saying something about the 'future', i sent him one last email using capital letters. we'll see if our tenuous friendship can survive that. then, i suppose we'll see.
it's hard to believe how unstable i was when i first got to Seoul
it's hard to believe how many fucking mistakes i've had to make to learn a few, obvious lessons. i am one stubborn bitch. this is a terrible quality while i'm feeling self-destructive. however, my stubbornness doesn't seem so bad now. at least my feet have found something to balance on, you know?
Monday, February 21, 2011
2011 is a good year
it's 1am and my last night in this apartment. i'm surrounded by boxes and dust bunnies and filled with lots of contemplation about these past few years and the uncertain future.
a childhood friend died of cancer last month. i felt a deep sense of grief when i received the news. Seung was survived by a wife and two kids--the youngest was only 6 months of age when he was buried. his passing made my own health issues seem ever-more real and slightly more frightening. i had a chance to look at pictures of him and his family and my heart ached when i saw how gaunt Seung's face and body had become in his last few months.
it doesn't seem "fair", i guess. he was such a kind-hearted person. and i can say that he was truly a person that was made out of integrity. i grew up with Seung from elementary school through high school and intermittently saw him while i was at university. i remember his sardonic wit and no-nonsense attitude. he used to tease me about my bad perms and rough-house with me and the other kids on the 2-acre lot of our home church. he was my brother.
my mouth got dry when the pictures reflected his suddenly skeletal face, and i wondered if all of my joking around about my personal mortality would eventually become a self-fulfilling prophesy.
i'm reflecting upon this today because i've committed this year, 2011, to change and development. growth. i've stumbled and fucked up a few times already, but, i won't be dissuaded by failures this time. we're coming towards the end of the 2nd month of this year, and i can't believe that i'm still feeling locked into the commitments i've made to myself and God.
in the past, if i had been sentimental enough to make New Year's resolutions, i'd have already been exhausted by working SO hard to maintain them by the end of week 2. by month 2, i'd already be drowning in a pool of broken promises and eschew changes/development for another, more realistic time.
but, i've wasted so many years saying "next time", and now, i'm *through*. i'm certainly not through making mistakes--but, i'm through being dragged down by them. i'm still inordinately excited about what is to come. i *don't* know what that is, but i feel very reassured by my identity these days.
i can pursue my passions and interests and not necessarily need to see a return in them to feel satisfied--*that* kind of satisfaction is so temporal, anyway. it's nice to know that i can receive joy in simply being who i am. i want to more fully be who i was created to be.
i'm still figuring that out, but today--this day of boxes and dust bunnies--is a gift that was granted me to live and try to fulfill that purpose a little more. there is a reason i still breathe.
Seung, i don't know if you can read blogs in heaven, but if you can, your awesome example encourages me to keep on keeping on.
a childhood friend died of cancer last month. i felt a deep sense of grief when i received the news. Seung was survived by a wife and two kids--the youngest was only 6 months of age when he was buried. his passing made my own health issues seem ever-more real and slightly more frightening. i had a chance to look at pictures of him and his family and my heart ached when i saw how gaunt Seung's face and body had become in his last few months.
it doesn't seem "fair", i guess. he was such a kind-hearted person. and i can say that he was truly a person that was made out of integrity. i grew up with Seung from elementary school through high school and intermittently saw him while i was at university. i remember his sardonic wit and no-nonsense attitude. he used to tease me about my bad perms and rough-house with me and the other kids on the 2-acre lot of our home church. he was my brother.
my mouth got dry when the pictures reflected his suddenly skeletal face, and i wondered if all of my joking around about my personal mortality would eventually become a self-fulfilling prophesy.
i'm reflecting upon this today because i've committed this year, 2011, to change and development. growth. i've stumbled and fucked up a few times already, but, i won't be dissuaded by failures this time. we're coming towards the end of the 2nd month of this year, and i can't believe that i'm still feeling locked into the commitments i've made to myself and God.
in the past, if i had been sentimental enough to make New Year's resolutions, i'd have already been exhausted by working SO hard to maintain them by the end of week 2. by month 2, i'd already be drowning in a pool of broken promises and eschew changes/development for another, more realistic time.
but, i've wasted so many years saying "next time", and now, i'm *through*. i'm certainly not through making mistakes--but, i'm through being dragged down by them. i'm still inordinately excited about what is to come. i *don't* know what that is, but i feel very reassured by my identity these days.
i can pursue my passions and interests and not necessarily need to see a return in them to feel satisfied--*that* kind of satisfaction is so temporal, anyway. it's nice to know that i can receive joy in simply being who i am. i want to more fully be who i was created to be.
i'm still figuring that out, but today--this day of boxes and dust bunnies--is a gift that was granted me to live and try to fulfill that purpose a little more. there is a reason i still breathe.
Seung, i don't know if you can read blogs in heaven, but if you can, your awesome example encourages me to keep on keeping on.
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