transition

on hands and knees. dragging. crawling.
exhausted. sleeping. still exhausted.
days running into days that become weeksmonthsyears
it's Thursday again. right? or is it Saturday?
is it morning? again?
habitually tired.
one foot always follows the other.
stumbling forward again.
and again and again.

today, in the darkness behind my closed eyelids, i wondered: could those words have been for me?
my stomach is in knots and my heart is still twisting. i don't know if i'm depressed, because i'm not sure how i feel. the best adjective that comes to mind is: blurry. i feel blurry.

if those words were for me. i'm terrified. and exhausted. and veryvery unsure.

earlier today, my friend got really serious and asked me if i had yet been back to the doctor. it was an odd moment because my health has not been on the forefront of my mind. the concern in her voice flipped me back to the gravity of the situation. my situation. i suppose her reality and mine congeal over this issue. (i have been back, and have had some minor freak-out moments, but there's no news. and it's too soon to know anything anyway.)
should i be more concerned? maybe. but, i am the ultimate bi-polar pessimistic/optimistic pragmatist. death has no hold on me. maybe i can say this so flippantly while i daily run 6k and go dancing until the morning and try to travel all over, but i'm really not afraid to die.
the idea of death actually feels relieving in a morbid way. no more responsibilities and pain or guilt. well, maybe there are responsibilities in heaven, but i'll be with God, all the time, in the most limitless way. i won't be a slave to all of these complications i choose and don't choose while i reside on this planet.

don't get me wrong. i don't actually want to die. i've just accepted that i will someday and i don't have much control/influence over that. although, i really should quit smoking. i'm fucking up my chances for flushing the dirty out of my blood because i keep on smoking. i don't know. i'm taking my health for granted right now because i don't necessarily feel anything. i imagine many people in my situation feel the same. worrying does nothing but create an additional burden. i can't carry any more right now.

anyway, my knees feel a little shaky. today, while my eyes were closed, i heard a voice, and it said... something... and i was terrified that those words were for me. i hope they were and i hope they weren't. i know i'm being circumspect, but this isn't new. i haven't even fully processed the significance of what those words could mean.

hello insomnia. or troubled dreams. or change.