Journal: 5.31.11

God. i'm pretty bi-polar. i just spent the past 10 minutes glancing at my entries since the beginning of the year of 2011, and wow--i sound completely psycho. i suppose i only blog when i'm super full of those boring feelings--happySADguiltyOVERLYoverly... but maybe i should balance this space with some of the more normal things that fall outside of my impending emotional apocalypse.


there isn't a whole lot to say, except that i feel down these days. i have come to realize how much i need my alone time.
my brother was here for almost 3 weeks--and though i love my baby brother, he drove me up every goddamn wall in my apartment. it's a terrible thing--the regressive patterns we fall into while we're with our family. you think you've moved past all of that reactionary childishness, but then you realize that noooo--that button is still, very much in existence and it will always be pressable by those close people you love to/hate to/have to love.


but, then the time for them to go draws near, and there are all kind of emotions and regrets you might have about time not spent as well as it should've or 'maybe we should've taken that road trip' or 'damnit. i wish we hadn't fought about' et cetera. i've been thinking about how we're not getting any younger--in fact, every time i now see any of my dear friends and family, there are more wrinkles and grays and less innocence.
[this is how it appears it will go, from here forward, huh? even my parents have said/admitted things to me that have blown my hair back. hearing certain revelations have made me gasp, but then resignedly shake my head. nothing is *really* very surprising anymore. we are all frail and imperfect and falling apart, no?]


anyway, my brother's departure caused me both relief and melancholia. his presence was a warm, comfortable old blanket fort--awesome, but eventually hard to breathe in because there isn't adequate ventilation. not having personal time for nearly a month really threw me off-kilter, and then the social obligations i had back-burnered suddenly started caught fire.
everyone around me has been demanding and demanding something. i've been feeling like a bad person because either: i just won't. or when i do, my half-hearted enthusiasm gets noticed and i get strange advice about how sun-lamps can help with moodiness. i've begun to wonder if my only value is being the life of the party or the road trip or the fucking cafe we're sipping our chai lattes in.
my reticence apparently concerns people. on one hand: it's nice to be thought of.
but on the other hand: do i always have to be interesting? or provocative? or have a funny anecdote to share?


i feel like i've i've had PMS for the past 2 months. today, i had a late lunch with a close friend i haven't seen in a while. (as i reflect on that conversation now, it's occurring to me that i've gotta toss a monkey wrench into this.) though we both had things to vent about, i am ashamed to say that i complained a LOT about some of the friends i spend a lot of time with. though i know that some of my plaints are justified, i have to stop and shake my head. what the hell is my problem?


last year, when i was feeling like this, i packed my backpack, went to the bus station, and took the first bus out of Seoul. i think taking another retreat'll do me some good. i need some distance and space and sun. i need to sit for hours on a bus and read a book. maybe this weekend.