you suck. and so do i.

people suck.
i'm including myself in that mix.
i suck.
i'm super emotional, i sometimes talk shit, i'm selfish, and i can be so blinded by my 'point' when i feel "right", that i readily do the perfect swan dive into my arguments. i articulate carefully and precisely expecting that (of course!) the offended will understand and be convinced by my air-tight arguments.

but everyone gets emotional in relationships. particularly if there is an investment there. particularly if there is a history of small/large hurts that were never addressed between the parties involved.

when finally it comes to head, you are so focused on your version of the history, and how you have been hurt and wronged, you are able to craft a beautiful, distinctive argument enumerating your position. much to your chagrin, it doesn't get heard. s/he isn't interested in listening to your reasoning because *s/he* wants to be heard and understood and heralded as right.
people suck.
i suck.

i hardly ever fight with my friends. i don't like to stir up "unimportant" matters and i'd like to think that i don't really need to have it *my* way. i try to be respectful and usually will just 'go with the flow'. i don't care what we 'do'. the more important thing is 'who' i do it with, right?

you could be at the most beautiful place on earth, or the most fascinating, or the most exotic, and still have an awful time if you're with the wrong person.
or, you could be walking down a residential street in a boring little town in Central Illinois BUT you'll be having a ball, b/c the person who's walking w/ you is making you laugh.

i've been sick to my stomach all week b/c of a fight that has occurred between me and 2 close friends of mine. as this debacle has unfolded, i've had things said to me that i felt were unjust and hurtful. to be sure, i hold culpability in contributing to the breakdown of the relationships, but as i examine the heated emails and the conversations that have occurred, i realize how many layers of misunderstanding there are on both sides. both sides have fucked up by not addressing certain issues, but now that things have risen to the surface, suddenly there has been a clearing of obscurities--and there is pain in that.

what i mean is:

in relationships, people usually take the Low Road--the path of least resistance. we don't always do or say the hard things b/c we're lazy. or we're afraid. or we make justifications about why "now is not a good time", or "next time i'll do things differently". taking the easier path is necessary a lot of the times for the sake of getting along. we overlook things or just 'let things go' b/c stirring things up will only hurt the relationship.

HOWEVER, when we take the Low Road, misunderstandings begin to happen. these lead to a slow, but sure shifting of perception from Basic reality. small and large offenses begin occurring as a result of those misperceptions and a maladaptive dynamic forms. eventually, when there is enough friction, suddenly, seemingly from nowhere,

there is a spark.

and then a loud explosion

and then shock.

you find yourself sitting in a puddle of piss and shit--theirs and yours

a dizzying, disgusting mess.

you try to collect yourself--your heart thumping with adrenaline while you sift through the chunky, oozing excrement looking for answers. trying to figure out who's responsible for what, because surely, this can't be *my* fault, right?!

and as you examine yourself and examine the things that were finally FINALLY said, you see where you fucked up, and how they fucked up, and have no idea how to clean it all up.

unfortunately, it is no longer simply a matter of busting out a mop, some bleach, and some harsh cleansers. that lovingly weathered relationship is now soaked in the vile brine of your mutual misperceptions. it's going to take more than a little elbow grease to get to a fresh start.

because
you are pierced with the glaring reality that maybe you've been misunderstood for a substantial period of your history. that maybe they've been harboring resentment towards you... for months, or even years.

that is when your heart breaks.

you want to ask: is that who you thought i was the whole time? that terribly ugly, selfish person?

it is not that there is no recourse from this kind of fight. if the relationship is worth anything, you talk it out, or yell it out, or wring it out with whitened knuckles and raw cheeks.

the bottom line is: you've got to be brave and lay it all onto the table so you can clean it up and glue the pieces back together.

but right now, as i sit in this dirty stinking puddle, i feel lonely as hell.

the single pheromones

it's been a while since i've discussed my man/woman issues, so i'll go there...

i need to preface this by saying that i *know* i am not God's gift to men. i recognize that i'm kinda cute and can be charming when i feel like it--BUT, i am quite aware that i am no longer part of the super-sexy elite group in their early-to-mid 20s.
MEH. i wouldn't ever trade what i've learned in my 20s for more elastic skin.

anyway, i feel like i've got the "i'm single" pheromones coming out of my pores again, and it's driving me batty. allow me to elucidate: these special pheromones only manifest when you are thoroughly happy as a single person. this has happened once or twice before in the past two years of my singlehood--and each time, the pheromones attracted unwanted attention.

i'm tired of 'dating' and/or whatever it is that i've done w/ men. getting involved w/ someone--no matter how 'casual' it is--expends waaay too much energy. even though there are those fringe benefits when dating someone, i know myself. i can't be casual SO--i just don't want to date someone unless it's something substantive.

the other times that i was 'happy' as a single, i feel that my happiness was somewhat fleeting because it was not built on something really substantive. i remember feeling high on the idea of not having to be accountable to anyone for my comings and goings or feeling high on being completely free and uninhibited to do *whatever* i wanted. those are important things, certainly--but not bound to last for a long measure of time. eventually, loneliness/aloneness creeps back in while you're being so tra-la-la-la-free.
another thing that's different this time is that the random flirtations are a source of irritation for me. in the past, i didn't mind the coquette because i felt like it made things interesting. today, i want to avoid this guy and that other guy because i can tell that he wants to 'get to know' me. yikes. i don't know to 'get to know' him.

i know shouldn't begrudge the flirtations--afterall, i should feel some measure of flattery, yes? but, ugh. i feel grossed out by it all. SEX. urgh.
i feel him undressing me from across the room or while i'm climbing stairs or sitting at the next table. i can feel his eyes while i'm leaning against the subway pole or when my back is turned to him b/c i don't want to make eye-contact.

am i being paranoid or self-aggrandizing?
possibly.
but, there is NO QUESTION about the increase in my getting hit on in the past few weeks. i've been staying in and away from people because i don't want to party these days--so i'm not even entering into social situations where the sexy times are always happening. i've been all bundled up, messy hair under a floppy winter hat with no make-up: but that guy at the cafe and that other guy at my school and the gentleman on the subway all made passes at me.

there is no explanation for any of this, except: i am putting out quantities of those single pheromones that cannot be blocked by even the most shapeless, bulky winter coat. there are worse problems, i suppose.