i need to preface this by saying that i *know* i am not God's gift to men. i recognize that i'm kinda cute and can be charming when i feel like it--BUT, i am quite aware that i am no longer part of the super-sexy elite group in their early-to-mid 20s.
MEH. i wouldn't ever trade what i've learned in my 20s for more elastic skin.
anyway, i feel like i've got the "i'm single" pheromones coming out of my pores again, and it's driving me batty. allow me to elucidate: these special pheromones only manifest when you are thoroughly happy as a single person. this has happened once or twice before in the past two years of my singlehood--and each time, the pheromones attracted unwanted attention.
i'm tired of 'dating' and/or whatever it is that i've done w/ men. getting involved w/ someone--no matter how 'casual' it is--expends waaay too much energy. even though there are those fringe benefits when dating someone, i know myself. i can't be casual SO--i just don't want to date someone unless it's something substantive.
the other times that i was 'happy' as a single, i feel that my happiness was somewhat fleeting because it was not built on something really substantive. i remember feeling high on the idea of not having to be accountable to anyone for my comings and goings or feeling high on being completely free and uninhibited to do *whatever* i wanted. those are important things, certainly--but not bound to last for a long measure of time. eventually, loneliness/aloneness creeps back in while you're being so tra-la-la-la-free.
another thing that's different this time is that the random flirtations are a source of irritation for me. in the past, i didn't mind the coquette because i felt like it made things interesting. today, i want to avoid this guy and that other guy because i can tell that he wants to 'get to know' me. yikes. i don't know to 'get to know' him.
i know shouldn't begrudge the flirtations--afterall, i should feel some measure of flattery, yes? but, ugh. i feel grossed out by it all. SEX. urgh.
i feel him undressing me from across the room or while i'm climbing stairs or sitting at the next table. i can feel his eyes while i'm leaning against the subway pole or when my back is turned to him b/c i don't want to make eye-contact.
am i being paranoid or self-aggrandizing?
possibly.
but, there is NO QUESTION about the increase in my getting hit on in the past few weeks. i've been staying in and away from people because i don't want to party these days--so i'm not even entering into social situations where the sexy times are always happening. i've been all bundled up, messy hair under a floppy winter hat with no make-up: but that guy at the cafe and that other guy at my school and the gentleman on the subway all made passes at me.
there is no explanation for any of this, except: i am putting out quantities of those single pheromones that cannot be blocked by even the most shapeless, bulky winter coat. there are worse problems, i suppose.
the other times that i was 'happy' as a single, i feel that my happiness was somewhat fleeting because it was not built on something really substantive. i remember feeling high on the idea of not having to be accountable to anyone for my comings and goings or feeling high on being completely free and uninhibited to do *whatever* i wanted. those are important things, certainly--but not bound to last for a long measure of time. eventually, loneliness/aloneness creeps back in while you're being so tra-la-la-la-free.
another thing that's different this time is that the random flirtations are a source of irritation for me. in the past, i didn't mind the coquette because i felt like it made things interesting. today, i want to avoid this guy and that other guy because i can tell that he wants to 'get to know' me. yikes. i don't know to 'get to know' him.
i know shouldn't begrudge the flirtations--afterall, i should feel some measure of flattery, yes? but, ugh. i feel grossed out by it all. SEX. urgh.
i feel him undressing me from across the room or while i'm climbing stairs or sitting at the next table. i can feel his eyes while i'm leaning against the subway pole or when my back is turned to him b/c i don't want to make eye-contact.
am i being paranoid or self-aggrandizing?
possibly.
but, there is NO QUESTION about the increase in my getting hit on in the past few weeks. i've been staying in and away from people because i don't want to party these days--so i'm not even entering into social situations where the sexy times are always happening. i've been all bundled up, messy hair under a floppy winter hat with no make-up: but that guy at the cafe and that other guy at my school and the gentleman on the subway all made passes at me.
there is no explanation for any of this, except: i am putting out quantities of those single pheromones that cannot be blocked by even the most shapeless, bulky winter coat. there are worse problems, i suppose.
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