the cleanse part II

well, i've thrown myself from the wagon at the advent of my Chicago girlfriend coming into Seoul. she now sleeps next to me on this (her last) night in town. it might have been stupid for me to forfeit my choice of "clean living" during her sojourn here, but at the same time, i'm a realist and i'm working towards a sustainable lifestyle--and not just one of austere "purity".

i feel messed up though. this week, i eschewed all of the healthy behavior i had committed myself to and i am left feeling a little empty, now that all of my lusts have been indulged in. my girlfriend knew that i had made these commitments--moreover, she attempted to curtail my behavior--but, that is nonsense.
i mean: what is an indulgence if you only go 1/2-way? if i'm going to indulge, i'm going to fully enjoy the experience. [maybe this is why i need to fully stop indulging.]
additionally, i do not do or not do anything for someone else. i make decisions for me. otherwise, the choices don't stick because they aren't significant to ME. duh.

anyway, i kinda knew it would come down to this again. i'm kinda glad i had a chance to wildly run around in this dirty playground again because it reminded me how fruitless it is to play on all of this rusting equipment.
frankly: the idea of doing another cleanse this week gives me a headache, but i know i should do it. i need to refocus and recenter myself. i need to get back to the heart of what i want my life to be about. i can't be there if i'm feeling unhealthy and/or out of control.

there is something beautiful that happens when you deny yourself something you want. often, what you are denying yourself has some delicious aspect of unhealthy (which makes the self-denial worth anything to begin with).
also, through the slight panicky moments of desire, there is a strange sense peace that you experience as you realize that you ARE the master of your lusts.
you CAN be strong.
you can be BRAVE.
YOU can do things that are hard.
your state of being can be BETTER than before.

it might be stupid to be so dramatic about denying myself certain foods and a few other indulgences this week--but this is part of a spiritual journey for me. outside of the foods, this week, i'm going to workout everyday, start a painting i have in mind, daily practice my uke, and read a few chapters of a few books.

all of that might sound a little ambitious, i know--but in my state of weary, it actually makes me hope and feel excited for some of that Rest i've been craving.