happy

i'm in the middle of writing a quick itinerary of my comings and going in Japan, but i had to pause instead and write:
i'm extremely happy right now.
life is so good. phew! i can't remember feeling *this* happy and optimistic about my journey.

i know i feel this good b/c this isn't just a 'high' that'll fade. and hey--i'm realistic. life'll definitely bring me things that'll make me cringe and cry. inevitably, life is full of intense pain and well--shit happens to everyone. but i'm actively talking to God again--and He's doing something mysterious in my insides.

i am experiencing an impossible feeling. there is no other way to describe it.

let me put this into some context.
the phrase: "relationship with God" is such an overused phrase that it has lost meaning. and honestly, it sometimes sounds like something a crazy, over-spiritualized, self-righteous Bible bangin' jerk would be haranguing about. but hell, i must speak of this--and i suppose you could call me one of those jerks.

i'm not going to be as arrogant to say that i've figured out what a "relationship with God" is, but i feel like i've suddenly found myself in a place where i'm experiencing it.
for many years i was lost in the land of the "do's" and "don'ts".
this wasn't it.

then, for a while, i was lost in the opposing jungle of eschewing all of the rules. i figured, if God loves me with an agape love, my actions ("good" or "bad") were unimportant.
this also, wasn't it.

finally, i have found myself in a place where i'm not thinking about any of that stuff, and i'm simply focused upon just getting to know Him. i've been trying to live inside this framework for the past few months--just doing my best to talk to God. i've been trying to *really* love people and learn what it means to be content.
somehow, this has spontaneously lead me into falling in step w/ the "do's" and "don'ts"--(BIZARRE!) i have not been trying to be *good*, but suddenly i find myself naturally being *good*.
I KNOW: the idea of "GOODness" is a very confusing and controversial concept--but it IS there. it floats around dynamically, nebulously--but it is a real thing. i would contend that most people--irrespective of belief system--can see and feel what "good" is, even if they cannot define it. even if they don't know where it comes from.

i have been startled by these random avalanches of joy. i know it sounds like hyperbole--but WOW--i have rediscovered the secret again, and it feels amazing.

i know that there is a plan for my life, and it's a good one. and it will make me happy. God likes me to be happy.
i know that there is a purpose for my existence on this planet, even though i'm not sure what it is. i'll figure it out at the right time.
and i know that whichever direction i go in these worn sneakers, God is holding my hand, walking with me. it is this--exactly this--that floods my insides with a crazy peace.