self hate

i can't sleep. i'm pretty sure i know why. so, i will attempt to write myself asleep.

years and years and years. of absolutely hating myself.
that crazy, all-consuming anger that made me cry frustrated tears
bite through my lip
slam my fists as hard as i could against the bed as soon as i opened my eyes
my soundless screams. endless.
violent smash
shattered glass of the wildly tossed glass bottle
deep, desperate hate

do you know this feeling?

i reflect on these years--these decades of slow, rotting death. but today, i feel peace. i am actually laughing at myself. i am dead exhausted with my life responsibilities, but i feel joy. i don't hate myself anymore. i can't believe i spent so much time in that place. i didn't need to. but i was in a self-imposed cage and couldn't deal with the lie of the bloody pain that escape might cause. i didn't understand how easy it was to unlock the door.
i know--it's not always going to be smooth sailing. clearly. but i don't see the many mistakes i've made in the recent months preceding this entry as failures.
i have mentioned a gradual unlocking of my mind. it's been eons of my demons owning that space between my ears. things really needed to be cleaned up in there.
as i have begun to experience Truth upon Truth, there has been an exponential, cumulative cleansing that has led me into this place. my hard core slips to the brink and back while i've been undergoing this cleansing process makes it all the more powerful that i've finally gotten here.

unfailing Love. i don't always need to question it--because there is no definable answer. it's one of those beautiful mysteries. if there were a clear *reason* for this Love, maybe it wouldn't be so astounding.
and this is true of us humans too. sometimes we just love. we don't know why we do--and we might have every reason not to, but we can't help our hearts from stirring over that person. (this can be unhealthy/twisted, of course, but that's an entirely different matter.) however, i say that this is a glimmer reflection of that huge, metaphysical Love bomb that is continuously exploding around us.
even if you don't hold to the same ideology as i do, don't you wonder why it is possible for us to sometimes love the most unlovable people in our lives?

i don't hate myself anymore. for anyone who can fathom the depth and longevity of that loathing, you would know that this is a miracle.