a leap of faith

i'm overwhelmed.God really really loves me.
i haven't written in almost exactly a month b/c i've been in a state of confusion. my mind has been filled with chaos and crazy thoughts. they have been scattered and illogical and completely schizophrenic. i've been feeling absolutely, completely nuts.

i had the weirdest night last night. i don't want to get into all of the scandalous details, but it was more of the same of my tales of sordid. when i slip, i slip hard. and i stay there for a while b/c i can't stop myself.
but even through this time of slippery mistakes, i kept on getting reminders of God. in the randomly dropped email. or hearing something *specifically* directed towards me in a sermon. i've literally had thoughts roaming my head and had that thought addressed out loud. i got little jolts, and then i've moved on in my cloud of scattered thoughts. but i could sense that He was keeping me in mind.

this morning, i awoke feeling exhausted from my crazy night, but suddenly i was on auto-pilot. i just knew i was supposed to go and pray before church started. i didn't allow myself to think about it too hard about it b/c i knew that i would rethink it and not go. i just set my mind in agreement, even though i didn't understand.
and so i went. and God quietly spoke into my ear, "come. rest. in Me there is freedom. and love."
i couldn't stop the tears. not the weepy kind, but the kind that comes when you hear the voice of someone you deeply deeply love that you've been separated from for a while.

now, i dislike the church body. i have so many issues with church people b/c they seem so crazy. in my experience, they react really strange to anything controversial.
i once mentioned feeling slightly suicidal among a group of Christians. i could hear the crickets. i felt horrified that i exposed myself to people who couldn't even express sympathy.
when i got divorced, most of the Christians i knew avoided talking to me. or if they did, they completely skirted the issue. i was in a ton of pain and felt like a pariah on top of it. granted, they didn't know me very well and had no idea what to say, but it really sucked.
AGAIN: these are my problems as well as those peoples'. but today, i'm choosing to reject the walls i've put up around myself. i feel willing to be vulnerable again.

the people at the church i've been attending these days are wild. every Sunday, i came in quietly and waved away the name tag that they tried to stick on me, but every week they smiled. real smiles. there was an irrepressible joy and i could see it was authentic.
so, this afternoon, i went to pray. and i could feel God moving. and there were a few key moments--a few key interactions that God made happen. and i finally got pushed over the edge.

God wants me here in this church body. when i made that leap of faith--that decision to join this body, i suddenly was overwhelmed by love from all around. i know how strange that sounds, but i was literally covered in a blanket of love. i made eye contact with a few familiars and they just knew something had shifted in my spirit. they marched up and hugged me. God was there. it felt right.

i am at the top of a slide.