bloody Sunday

at what point can a person claim the title "Fool"?
[yes, i know... i too hate my own self-deprecation and wholeheartedly see the irony of that]
i am pondering: how many times can a person can learn something and then forget it and then re-learn it and then forget it--before truly deserving the title of Master of Foolishness?

but, here it is again, something that i've learned before, forgotten, then relearned again today. i don't know how many times i've learned this particular lesson. but well, to err is human, but to forgive, divine, yes? i must apply this forgiveness to the forgiveness of myself as well.
i don't give up. i can't. won't. for me, it is far better to bite my lip in humiliation, brush the detritus from my bleeding wounds, then rise back to my feet.
forgiving one's self is extremely difficult for a certain population of us humans, isn't it? i know this is an obvious question, but Self-Loathing is a very real experience for me. she has been one of my very favorite demons for decades. but i hope, for myself and the other Fools out there, when we re-learn--when we re-forgive--we also integrate a little something extra.

thus, i am sitting here, uncomfortable, with a headache and itchy skin. i feel weak and fidgety. this is a terrible combination of physical discomforts. i am also experiencing waves of peace and panic as i consider the unknown. it is a scary place.
but the common, the unchanged, the gaze upon my own reflection in the mirror and immediately forgetting what i look like--this is much worse than my trepidation and achy flesh. i am going pray while i continue to sit here, the Master that i am, hoping to push through my jitters and finally have this title fall from my shoulders.

better to run. scream. dance. tear at my hair. breathe. laugh. rest. sing. cry.

lather. rinse.
but this time, let me reel clean off the edge.