relate to me

it's nearly 2:30am on a Friday night. i just finished inputting about 50% of the progress reports that i had to finish for my 30 students, and i'm wide awake. my dear friend is sleeping on the floor beside me, completely knocked out from all the academic hurdles we've had to bound over for the past 3 weeks. we're nearly to the end of this crazy Summer camp and hell--we're counting down the days for this to be OVER.
i'm ready for the Summer to come to a conclusion so that i can regain a semblance of normalcy. but actually, i have no idea what that is. in fact, once this Summer's over, i expect that my world might feel like it's been turned inside out.

a lot of things have happened in the past few weeks that've tested the limits of my patience in addition to stretching me out as a person. i'm realizing what a selfish person i can be, concurrently with realizing that i've become an overly(?) independent person. this has been highlighted to me as i've been living with one of my closest friends in close quarters. it's been odd having her here--always having another's presence to mind, never feeling fully *alone*.
i realize that even though i've craved the alone time, actually having someone to come home to (or with, rather--because we work in the same office) hasn't been as wildly suffocating as i thought it would be. i still don't relish the idea of ever having to live with anyone, but i'm not as staunchly against the idea as i was before her arrival.

but there has been a relational break-down with another close friend, who i just didn't have the energy or fortitude to fight with. last week, i had felt pretty put off by her and scratched our conflict's surface the following day, but i never finished addressing it because there hadn't been adequate time/opportunity to do so. i just figured that we'd work it out when i had some time to think and breathe.
unfortunately, when i scratched the surface, she felt wounded and the sore grew into a festering pus-filled mess for her. i should've realized that she would be thusly affected, but my busyness and exhaustion and angst made me feel more selfishly invested in taking care of myself, rather than looking to her needs. it's a bit of a no-win situation for one of us--and i realize that maybe it should be me. i know i shouldn't have to cow-tow to anyone, but given that i'm probably more emotionally and socially aware than she is, it's more my responsibility to try to be loving and more forgiving and self-sacrificial than she.
she's been driving me nuts these days, but i think it's because we have both become more emotionally invested in our (newer) friendship--along with this type of scenario, conflicts will/must arise. it's odd though, because i usually do not have these kinds of conflicts with my friends. usually my friendships are much more even-keeled. conflicts are reasonably discussed over coffee or drinks or dinner--and more often than not, things are talked out before they actually become a full-blown conflict.
sigh. why are some people so complicated?

this Summer, both of these relationships have highlighted how *overly* independent i've become. i dunno--i've become a pretty damn independent person. i like to do most things alone. i need hours by myself a day otherwise i begin to feel demanded upon. i don't like to travel with people. i've stopped making new friends in Seoul because i'm sick of the 'getting to know you' conversations and dealing with fucked up personalities or the disappointment of losing someone back to their home country.
whenever i meet someone with even the slightest hint of neediness, i back way the hell back and hope to blend into the wallpaper when they're around. i've got a messed up contemptuous attitude towards neediness--i figure that if: ME, of all people, can learn emotional and social independence, why can't everyone else?
however, i'm beginning to wonder if my "independence" is more of a self-protective measure so that i can never feel disappointed by people. i just stay away from those whom i can sense will probably let me down (in some way or another) and keep things light and surface level with the other amicable people i meet. if you're a new person to me and happen to do something sloppy or shady: i don't really give a shit. i couldn't really count on you because i didn't really have any expectations for you anyway... and, you have no right to expect anything from me either.

is this selfishness?
is there a such a thing as "overly" independent?

i'm worried that i've developed some fucked up ideas about how to relate to people.

well, i'm staring at this computer screen through my smudged glasses, and my friend has just complained about me keeping the light on. because i love her, i will sign off for now.
i've got many things to ponder on. for now, in the dark, i suppose.