Day Two

i've taken a step that i didn't think i'd ever do. i've begun confessing out loud. not just in the privacy of my own prayers and in the cover of silence. to a real person--that i don't even know very well.

if it wasn't already clear, i Love Jesus. i know that is confusing to some. and controversial to some. and really cliche to many. but Jesus is really fucking rad. and i'm continuously amazed by what having a relationship with Him means.
the amazing thing Today is how being bonded to Him bonds me to others who know Him as well.
there i was, over slices of pizza with a girl i only met a month ago, and had only exchanged about 3-4 emails with. we kept our conversation light, at first, but suddenly we were at the edge of the precipice of some of my deepest and darkest.
i took a deep breath, put my foot out and have begun falling.

for anyone who's held onto deep, hidden things--for years and years and years... you should know how frightening it is to finally admit things out loud. i've avoided this because of the implications. because of how my life will have to change.
it's hard to say how i got Here. not how i ended up in my personal Hell--that should be obvious. we are all animals that are subject to our instincts for our own forms of *pleasure* and tumbling so far down the rabbit hole that we can no longer fathom where the blue sky is.
i too, have long dreamed of fresh air and singing birds and golden sunlight warming my skin. and i have had moments of Truly tasting and hearing these things, but they always fade into murky memories. losing hold of the edge and sinking back into the mire. forgetting which way is up. time passes quickly.

the "Here" that i'm finding surprising is the soft unlocking of my mind to Real possibilities. yesterday, i said i've been on the verge of tears for the past few weeks. i've made some pretty crazy mistakes that have driven me deeply back into my dark places. but somehow, the sunlight has been reaching me.
it's strange because i have been pretty passive about my approach to God, saving for the conversations i have with Him on my commute and going to Sunday service.
however, i keep on getting that hot undefinable buzzing that covers my head and fills my ears and quickens my heartbeat. and suddenly those words, those memories, and sharp profound Truths surface. and it been filling my eyes with tears. of pain. of gratitude. of wonder.

for decades, i have been an island with a rabbit hole. sinking in and out and rejoicing and weeping. i am so tired of weeping over the same problems. this is not working. so, making those crazy mistakes--crossing that line once last time has finally driven me to this point of confession. out loud.
this is already someplace new. and i believe that there will be more.