Day One

i'm trying not to beat myself up. but, i've been a pretty fallen person for the past few weeks. i am a decidedly weak person who easily succumbs. i've got urges and i'm always responding to them. i generally don't rise above. i am an animal.
i'm a little averse to posting my continual history of failures on the Net, but i've gotta put this out someplace. keeping things in the dark is dangerous.

i've been on the verge of tears for the past 8 days. isn't that strange? why do people intentionally live in a way that causes pain? i'm sure i'm not the only one.

but inside of these failures--some of these tears have not been about pain. some of these tears have been shed because of fresh understandings i have begun to have about the important Things. some powerful God lessons. i realized that when i screw up, God is not disappointed in me. He grieves with me, but He doesn't think any less of me.

i have struggled with this lie for years. it has always taken me a while to come back and approach God after i've made mistakes because i feel so riddled with guilt. i hang my head in shame and feel like i can't come back until i've 'done my time'. when we fuck up with the human beings in our lives, we generally have to give them a cool-down period. we give each other space so that the sting of the mistake can fade. but God is not like that.

He gave me this image: i can see myself as a little girl, with wispy black hair and chubby cheeks. i am sitting on my Father's lap. my focus is on the toy i am inexpertly fiddling with. He is cuddling me really close and kisses my sweaty forehead.
the thing about this image that moves me is the utter tenderness i can see in His eyes. He absolutely adores the little girl in His arms. and even when she squirms and pushes Him away or screams at Him, He is still hopelessly in love with this little girl.

He is NEVER disappointed. even though He knows everything about me. every good and evil thought that crosses my mind. He knows how little patience i have with people. He knows all about my lusts and premeditated bad choices. He understands my chaos and turmoil. He is fully aware of my past and present. He knows exactly what will happen in my future.
if i actually Believe God--if everything in the Word is Truth--if i really am that wispy-haired little girl sitting on His lap, it would IMPOSSIBLE for Him to be disappointed in me. knowing what He knows makes disappointment existentially impossible for God. He can already see me fully restored. i'll be just like Jesus. He already sees me that way.

God knows the course i've been taking in these limited days--making mistakes and constantly returning to my vomit--but He still looks at me with that utter utter love. He's always cuddling that little squirming girl on His lap. no matter what i've done, He always will want to bend down and kiss my sweaty forehead.
why? i have no clue. His love is absolutely ridiculous. but everything inside of me knows that it is the most Real thing in the world.