2011 is a good year

it's 1am and my last night in this apartment. i'm surrounded by boxes and dust bunnies and filled with lots of contemplation about these past few years and the uncertain future.

a childhood friend died of cancer last month. i felt a deep sense of grief when i received the news. Seung was survived by a wife and two kids--the youngest was only 6 months of age when he was buried. his passing made my own health issues seem ever-more real and slightly more frightening. i had a chance to look at pictures of him and his family and my heart ached when i saw how gaunt Seung's face and body had become in his last few months.
it doesn't seem "fair", i guess. he was such a kind-hearted person. and i can say that he was truly a person that was made out of integrity. i grew up with Seung from elementary school through high school and intermittently saw him while i was at university. i remember his sardonic wit and no-nonsense attitude. he used to tease me about my bad perms and rough-house with me and the other kids on the 2-acre lot of our home church. he was my brother.
my mouth got dry when the pictures reflected his suddenly skeletal face, and i wondered if all of my joking around about my personal mortality would eventually become a self-fulfilling prophesy.

i'm reflecting upon this today because i've committed this year, 2011, to change and development. growth. i've stumbled and fucked up a few times already, but, i won't be dissuaded by failures this time. we're coming towards the end of the 2nd month of this year, and i can't believe that i'm still feeling locked into the commitments i've made to myself and God.
in the past, if i had been sentimental enough to make New Year's resolutions, i'd have already been exhausted by working SO hard to maintain them by the end of week 2. by month 2, i'd already be drowning in a pool of broken promises and eschew changes/development for another, more realistic time.

but, i've wasted so many years saying "next time", and now, i'm *through*. i'm certainly not through making mistakes--but, i'm through being dragged down by them. i'm still inordinately excited about what is to come. i *don't* know what that is, but i feel very reassured by my identity these days.

i can pursue my passions and interests and not necessarily need to see a return in them to feel satisfied--*that* kind of satisfaction is so temporal, anyway. it's nice to know that i can receive joy in simply being who i am. i want to more fully be who i was created to be.
i'm still figuring that out, but today--this day of boxes and dust bunnies--is a gift that was granted me to live and try to fulfill that purpose a little more. there is a reason i still breathe.

Seung, i don't know if you can read blogs in heaven, but if you can, your awesome example encourages me to keep on keeping on.