there is something a little bizarre about me feeling this way, because i recently got some crazy health news--ironically, this news came just days after i had definitively made the lifestyle choices that would've made the testing unnecessary, had i chosen to be wiser sooner. however, it is what it is. pretty severe. pretty serious. but, pretty meaningless.
i'm through the erratic emotions phase of this bad News and i only occasionally stumble into the depression pit about it all. at the end of the day, i feel pretty awesome.
yesterday, i had a sleep-over with one of my girlfriends--a night filled with some deep conversation, junk food, laughter, tears, and story-telling. here's a moment that brought brought on a chagrined smirk:
me: you know my stories, M___. i sometimes feel a little pissed about the path of my life. really... why the hell do these things happen to me?
M___: i know. i don't know. but you're handling it all pretty well.
me: (half-smile) well, i've calmed down and gotten some perspective... it's funny because the few people i've talked to about this keep on telling me "you'll be ok. you'll be ok."--i know i'll be ok. (laughing) i'm pretty sure that they're mostly saying that so that *they'll* feel ok.
M___ laughed with me. then after a pause: do you mean you think you'll get better? or are you being more philosophical?
me: philosophical, of course... i've had 3 pretty fucked up things happen to me in my life--and i personally don't know many people who've been through one, if not more than one of these things... but it's not like my life is bad--i cannot complain about anything. sure, i've experienced pain, but i've received a ton of blessings.
M___: well, people get scared when you get too philosophical about permanent things.
me: like cancer and dying and all that shit?
M___: (shrugging) that scares people.
me: i know. but i'm not scared--i haven't been scared of that kind of thing in the more recent years... because really: who can number their days anyway?
M___ broke off a piece of an oatmeal cookie and handed it to me: well, i'm ready to go, whenever. well... not whenever--but whenever i'm done doing whatever i'm supposed to be doing on Earth.
me: that's exactly how i feel. who can know what happens tomorrow? or the next day? or the next month? (i nibbled on the cookie. it was good.) really, the DPRK could bomb us tonight. or, i could slip down the stairs and bust my head open. or, i could get hit by a car or something.
M___: (she burst out laughing) Mary, you've already been hit by a car.
me: (eyes widened, i shook my head) you're right. exactly right. i had forgotten about that.
so, what the hell can i do about anything? my destiny is not within my control. not really.
i can certainly make certain choices that results in a list of givens. i can choose to ride my bike, rather than walk. i can choose to stay on this side of the street, rather than crossing; i can ride slowly or quickly or ring the little bell that alerts that old man that i'm about to pass.
but, i can't control how fast that car was speeding down the alley, nor the direction the driver was looking when i was crossing his path. i can control that his mind was distracted by the argument he had with his wife that morning, nor the fact that he was late for work for the 2nd time that week.
i could not force my will upon how hard he pressed the gas pedal as he accelerated into my bike, nor how far it tossed me into the busy street. i couldn't stop from gasping when i hit the ground or stop the asphalt from biting into my hand.
however, i was able to stand up, brush the grit from my jeans and hands, and glare reproachfully at him because my shin had been bruised. i was able to grasp his shoulders and roughly tell him to be more careful when driving his shiny Benz.
i was able to ride my bike away from him to school, before i was late for my first class.
i can't control where my life goes, but i can try to connect and love people while i'm wandering the planet. traveling isn't easy, per se, but not having to daily grind helps me to be more aware/appreciative of the infinite value of the people who're breathing the same air as me.
while sitting on the sunny, smoky bus from the Ijen Volcanic Complex to Banuangi, Java--i felt a measure of sadness at the many people who begged for rupiah at every stop we took. the poverty is too pervasive for one person to change, but i bought some overpriced oranges from a gal who plopped onto the seat next to me, smiled, and coquettishly implored me in Bahasa. the uniformed school kids laughed because i could only speak from 1-10 in their tongue. an older woman looked at me suspiciously while i peeled an orange, but then smiled widely when i offered her some. sometime after this exchange, a young man and i spoke about what i should see and eat while i was on Bali for the following 9 days; we shared a clove cigarette while we talked.
while sitting on the sunny, smoky bus from the Ijen Volcanic Complex to Banuangi, Java--i felt a measure of sadness at the many people who begged for rupiah at every stop we took. the poverty is too pervasive for one person to change, but i bought some overpriced oranges from a gal who plopped onto the seat next to me, smiled, and coquettishly implored me in Bahasa. the uniformed school kids laughed because i could only speak from 1-10 in their tongue. an older woman looked at me suspiciously while i peeled an orange, but then smiled widely when i offered her some. sometime after this exchange, a young man and i spoke about what i should see and eat while i was on Bali for the following 9 days; we shared a clove cigarette while we talked.
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