these crazy relationships

talked to my folk last night. there was such a comfort in hearing their voices--knowing that there were people in this world that care deeply about me, beyond conventional care and concern. those deep deep bonds that i share w/ my close friends are amazing as well, but family... there's something special about them, no?

my family--they've stuck w/ me, irrespective of how crazy i've been and despite what worldly anything i could offer them. in this life, i know i have frustrated them to no end (and they i) and have made them want to tear their hair out.
there's always been a disconnect. their crazy Korean conventions. their high-minded Christian ideals. the absurd generational differences. i got pretty damn good at pointing out their fallacious thinking and hypocritical behavior at times. i've raised my voice to piercing decibels at them.
how awful. but i have also been brought to the brink w/ enraged words that were quickly regretted, but never forgotten. i am old enough now to feel ashamed about how i have contributed to my family's dysfunction. but i know that they love me through all of this. i know i'm lucky to have a family like mine.

though my family is scattered across the planet, they're out there thinking of me. this makes me a little less anxious about the world.
my brothers often find me online knowing when i'll be on. sometimes they just bounce life news my way or ask me for advice. it's strange that they trust my judgment considering all of the horrendous mistakes i've made. but they know i'll give it to them straight. it's amazing that they have enough background about what's important to me *today*, and they make specific inquiries about those things.

my little brother often hails me w/ a "hi noona!", which endears the hell out of me.
he spent some time admonishing me about the direction i was going to take at a certain fork in the road. my plan was to take the more controversial path, and i could see him getting alarmed while still typing agitated words of love at me.
Peter. we know what we know and we generally agree on this issue, but i'm still probably not going to make the same choices you would.
"Noona. why would you do something you know isn't right for you?"
i don't know that it's not right. God's been talking to me differently these days. things are a bit more nebulous...
"c'mon. you have a pretty good idea."
meh. dunno... but... you'll still love me when it all blows up in my face, right? and not get into all the 'i told you so's'?
"of course!"
hee hee. my 동생.
"love you"

every morning, my parents rise while God purples the Arizona horizon and they climb up to a high point on a hillside to pray. they pray about a lot of different things, but i know i'm daily included.
because of this, i've taken to abject honesty about most elements my life. this is to the point where they'll avoid certain topics or change the subject if the content of my updates are a little too much for them. some of my friends are bewildered at my high level of disclosure, but i figure that if my parents are interceding for me, they should know what's going on.
my parents might have their insane qualities, but they are amazing people. i can't understand the depth of their love for people and for their three little ones. there really is a sense of stability in knowing that as the sun rises over the Arizona valleys and mountains, their voices are reaching the heavens.

i really don't know where life is going. a few years ago, i had all kinds of seemingly impossible fantasies about country hopping w/ a backpack. today, this has become a very tenable possibility, and i have to bite my lip in anxiety at this prospect. for about the past 2 weeks, i've been praying about direction and guidance for my life's path, now that my close friends are beginning to make plans to leave Korea and this chapter of my life. i pray, knowing that God will answer me at some point--but not until He knows that i'm damn well ready to be informed of His plans.
today, i randomly searched and have found there are a few ideal jobs (career-wise) in Egypt, Germany, and Saudi Arabia. (and California, but i don't want anything to do w/ the States right now.) it is surreal that i am even naming these countries as places that i might go to live. i really didn't expect any kind of answer from God so soon. i know, i know. this might not be some kind of divine answer, but i don't think these things are random.

i worry about loneliness in yet another foreign land, and i prayed about this as well. His answer for this came pretty quickly, and not in the form i expected. i've been dragging my feet w/ reading the Bible for the past few months--the proverbial "desert" i've heard too many sermons about. but this past week, i really felt like i should start "In the beginning" again.
and something has shifted in me. i've been falling into peaceful deep deep sleep as i've devoured most of Genesis. i can feel something different and alive coursing quietly through.

it seems that i need to learn this lesson from my Creator every few months, but it's rich and enervating every time.

He was telling me that He's still here. w/ me. wherever i go. that He affectionately loves the hell out of me. and that there *is* a Plan for my life. i feel like i can hear His warm laughter even as type these words. i am loved. i am blessed.
and i'm laughing a little w/ Him.